Conversation with doe5290 at Tue 17 Oct 2006 08:36:46 PM EDT on Secare Lupus (aim)
(08:36:51 PM) secarelupus: hi doll
(08:37:20 PM) secarelupus: I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier doll
(08:37:33 PM) secarelupus: I was pissed off, having a bad day...
(08:37:45 PM) secarelupus: I shouldn't have taken it out on you and Em
(08:38:36 PM) Doe5290: it's ok
(08:38:55 PM) secarelupus: I just felt really hurt
(08:39:44 PM) secarelupus: it was just the wrong day and time for a misunderstanding
(08:40:08 PM) secarelupus: Doll...
(08:40:25 PM) secarelupus: what's wrong? you haven't talked to me all day
(08:40:37 PM) secarelupus: did I do something wrong?
(08:41:10 PM) Doe5290: no... you didn't do anything wrong. I haven't talked to you because I barely saw you...
(08:41:38 PM) secarelupus: I just felt like you were avoiding me...
(08:42:06 PM) secarelupus: hell, I showed up at Mr. Lynch's office, and you moved to the opposite side of his office
(08:42:36 PM) secarelupus: I don't understand...
(08:42:47 PM) secarelupus: all today...
(08:43:00 PM) secarelupus: it just seemed like you were so... cold
(08:44:05 PM) secarelupus: like when I asked if I could catch a ride with you... I felt like you didn't WANT me to
(08:45:07 PM) secarelupus: and then, when I asked you to wait while I talked to Mr. Lynch for a minute... I came back out, and you were just gone
(08:46:17 PM) secarelupus: I just...
(08:47:09 PM) secarelupus: sometimes I feel like you focus on everything else in your life, simply so you don't have any more time for us
(08:48:28 PM) secarelupus: and it hurts, and I just want to see you... just want to be with you, and I don't want to deal with this crap, because all it does is sets US back
(08:50:58 PM) secarelupus: why are you so quiet now?
(08:51:32 PM) secarelupus: you say you don't talk to me because you don't see me, and now, when we're both here... you still don't say more than a few words
(08:54:39 PM) secarelupus: doll?
(08:54:44 PM) secarelupus: please...
(08:54:47 PM) secarelupus: say something
(08:54:53 PM) secarelupus: are you even there?
(08:56:35 PM) Doe5290: yeah.. I'm here.. but I don't know what you want me to say
(08:56:43 PM) secarelupus: anything
(08:56:54 PM) secarelupus: the first thing that pops into your head
(08:57:20 PM) secarelupus: tell me I'm wrong, and I'm being a selfish bastard for all I care, but say something
(08:58:45 PM) secarelupus: saying absolutly nothing does nothing but makes me feel like you don't even care
(09:00:22 PM) secarelupus: a feeling that doesn't need help after the shit today
(09:05:17 PM) Doe5290: ok.. here's the deal. I'm sorry for today. There was no avoiding you, or ignoring you, or whatever else your paranoid self is coming up with now. The fact is, I'm stressed out. And when I'm stressed out, I organize. And at school, that organization is GSA.. and so when I'm in the middle of something, and you come over.. it's like.. to tell you the truth... I know you're gonna come over and be all touchy feely.. and while that's nice... sometimes.. sometimes it's not what I need, nor what I want. And I don't know how to tell you that other than to just state it outright. I just don't know
(09:06:16 PM) secarelupus: so just tell me that you're not in the mood for it
(09:06:38 PM) secarelupus: say, "baby, I love you, but not right now"
(09:07:04 PM) secarelupus: don't just move away, hide behind a table and 80 people and pretend I'm not there
(09:09:41 PM) secarelupus: doll, every single thing you do, every word you say, every word you don't, anything you'd normally do but don't... I see all of that... and the slightest thing can brighten my darkest day, or ruin my greatest.
(09:09:54 PM) secarelupus: you affect me so much more than I think you realize
(09:11:00 PM) secarelupus: and when you hold that much sway over me, over my heart... whether you realize it or not, you need to be gentle, or I will break
(09:13:27 PM) secarelupus: I gave you my heart baby, knowing full well it could get broken in the process
(09:13:57 PM) secarelupus: but please baby, don't take it for granted
(09:16:50 PM) secarelupus: You've said that I'm the only one you've ever been in love with... Well truth be told, you're the second I've loved, but the only I have ever loved this deeply. I lost my first, and it hurt... It hurt to where I thought I would die. I would give my life to make sure you never have to feel that pain.
(09:18:20 PM) secarelupus: That's why it hurts so much at times like these... I know the pain of losing the one you love more than life itself, and to even feel something close... excruciating.
(09:22:39 PM) secarelupus: please baby... you know what bothers me, and how much it kills me...
(09:25:25 PM) secarelupus: I don't ask for constant attention, and to never hear of other... "interesting" people, or anything like that
(09:26:30 PM) secarelupus: Those few times when I have your attention though doll, I don't want to have to share it with the hundred stupid things you distract yourself with
(09:27:03 PM) Doe5290: hey.. can we try something? for this conversation? I think it would help me
(09:27:20 PM) secarelupus: I'll try anything doll, if it will help you
(09:28:09 PM) Doe5290: I want to have this conversation like we're not us. Like... I'm talking to a friend about my boyfriend... you know?
(09:28:19 PM) Doe5290: like.. my boyfriend blah blah blah
(09:28:25 PM) Doe5290: so I don't say "you"
(09:28:26 PM) secarelupus: ok
(09:29:04 PM) secarelupus: both of us?
(09:29:07 PM) Doe5290: mm hmm
(09:30:00 PM) Doe5290: ok. so. I love this guy. he's like, amazing, and wonderful, and.. well... the best thing that's happened to me
(09:30:17 PM) secarelupus: mmhmm
(09:30:38 PM) secarelupus: there's always a downside though, I'm sure
(09:31:02 PM) Doe5290: but... sometimes, he gets so serious, and tells me things that.. hell.. any girl would love to hear... but I'm afraid I can't honestly say them back
(09:31:16 PM) Doe5290: I feel like maybe he wants me to.. but I'd be lying if I did
(09:31:33 PM) secarelupus: like what? What does he say?
(09:32:49 PM) Doe5290: well.. I mean... he says things like anything I do can either brighten his day or send him spiraling down... or he says that he loves me more than anything in the world, or things like that... serious shit
(09:33:17 PM) secarelupus: yea, that is pretty serious
(09:34:24 PM) secarelupus: and, assuming he meant them, I think you're right about him wanting you to say them back.
(09:34:41 PM) secarelupus: But I also think that he would rather have you be truthful with him
(09:35:06 PM) Doe5290: sometimes I wonder if he got to serious to fast.... to fast for me anyway
(09:35:36 PM) secarelupus: who knows, maybe I'm way off, and maybe he doesn't say them to hear them back, but only so that you'll hear them
(09:36:46 PM) Doe5290: but when he tells me these things... I feel like I can't handle it
(09:36:50 PM) Doe5290: like.. earlier.
(09:37:12 PM) Doe5290: he said and when you hold that much sway over me, over my heart... whether you realize it or not, you need to be gentle, or I will break
(09:37:30 PM) Doe5290: and I can't handle that kind of responsibility
(09:37:39 PM) Doe5290: I mean... obvioulsy that's what a relationship is?
(09:37:50 PM) secarelupus: does he know that you don't think you can handle it?
(09:37:52 PM) Doe5290: but.. maybe I'm not ready for a relationship
(09:37:57 PM) Doe5290: probably not
(09:38:31 PM) secarelupus: perhaps that's something you should tell him
(09:39:31 PM) secarelupus: who knows, maybe he already knows you don't think you can handle it, but he feels differently. Perhaps He believes you can handle it, if you just believe in yourself
(09:39:43 PM) secarelupus: maybe that's why he trusts you so much
(09:40:14 PM) Doe5290: but if he believes me.. why can't I believe myself?
(09:41:07 PM) secarelupus: what if we looked at it from his perspective... do you think it was completely his idea to trust you so deeply?
(09:41:31 PM) secarelupus: I don't know what he's been through, but I'm sure he's been hurt before... right?
(09:41:38 PM) Doe5290: yeah.. he has
(09:42:24 PM) secarelupus: would one who has been hurt be more likely to trust another through willingness, or without even realizing they're doing it?
(09:43:10 PM) Doe5290: well... technically I wouldn't know.. once I'm hurt I tend to shut down, turn off, fall down, however you want to put it
(09:43:20 PM) Doe5290: and I stop myself from trusting
(09:43:28 PM) secarelupus: do you trust him?
(09:43:50 PM) Doe5290: I can't trust someone else until I trust myself...
(09:44:02 PM) secarelupus: so you don't trust him?
(09:44:53 PM) secarelupus: you must on some level, to have stayed with him for so long... to have allowed him to come so close to you
(09:45:34 PM) secarelupus: did you say one day, I'm going to trust him? Or did you look up one day and suddenly realize you already trusted him?
(09:45:38 PM) Doe5290: honestly.. it was like.. I woke up one morning, and 7 months had passed.. I was still with him.. and he was close to me.. but not nearly as close as he thinks he is
(09:45:58 PM) secarelupus: ah
(09:46:40 PM) Doe5290: and then these things happen.. and I feel dumb, because I can't tell him I see us together 10 years from now. I can't tell him I'd give anything and everything to or for him..... not with any amount of truth
(09:46:48 PM) Doe5290: and I know that sounds horrible.. but it's true
(09:47:05 PM) secarelupus: it's not horrible at all
(09:47:18 PM) secarelupus: it's honesty
(09:47:27 PM) Doe5290: yes it is. he's so serious and like.. obsessed with me.. and I'm... not...
(09:47:30 PM) Doe5290: I mean.. I love him
(09:47:39 PM) Doe5290: but... maybe I'm not IN LOVE with him
(09:47:51 PM) secarelupus: ah
(09:48:01 PM) secarelupus: there's a big difference there
(09:48:06 PM) Doe5290: I know
(09:48:46 PM) secarelupus: I noticed on your surveys you've started saying yes, if that was the question
(09:48:57 PM) secarelupus: if you've ever been "in love"
(09:49:29 PM) secarelupus: does that all depend on how you're feeling at the time?
(09:49:55 PM) Doe5290: yeah.. to tell you the truth
(09:50:28 PM) Doe5290: or maybe I thought it was what I was supposed to say
(09:51:03 PM) Doe5290: I mean, he says it, he's so in love with me, everyone else can see it to.. and maybe I thought.. hell... 7 months.. I should think the same thing shouldn't I?
(09:51:35 PM) secarelupus: well, is it fair to him to go with what you "should" feel instead of what you do feel?
(09:51:37 PM) secarelupus: hell
(09:51:41 PM) secarelupus: better question
(09:51:46 PM) secarelupus: is it fair to YOU?
(09:51:50 PM) Doe5290: not really
(09:52:30 PM) secarelupus: you should go with how you really feel inside, if he's at all worth your time, he'll understand
(09:53:01 PM) secarelupus: maybe tell him this, so he knows, so he understands the sudden changes in your answers
(09:54:26 PM) Doe5290: how do you tell someone who's so into you that maybe you need to slow down.... hell.. maybe you need to... take a break
(09:55:01 PM) secarelupus: well... is that what you really want? Is that what your gut tells you?
(09:56:29 PM) Doe5290: my gut tells me... yeah... that I think me and him need to.. take a break...but I don't want to hurt him. You think he'll understand I still want to be friends.. but... I don't really think I should be in so serious a relationship when... I don't have that great a relationship with myself...
(09:57:31 PM) secarelupus: well, I think he'd appreciate your honesty with him, if nothing else. There's really only two possible responses
(09:57:47 PM) secarelupus: one is that he might agree with you
(09:59:37 PM) secarelupus: the other, and I'd guess, more likely, is that he would try to hold onto you. Not because he doesn't want to follow your wishes, but because he loves you, and he won't want to let you go.
(09:59:57 PM) Doe5290: that wouldn't help me.. it'd make it worse
(10:00:27 PM) secarelupus: yes, but I'm not sure he would realize thagt
(10:00:40 PM) Doe5290: I think.. if you love me baby... you have to realize it
(10:00:52 PM) Doe5290: you have to know that I love you, I always will...
(10:00:55 PM) Doe5290: but right now...
(10:01:02 PM) Doe5290: I need to... hell.. that's what I need
(10:01:04 PM) Doe5290: I need a break
(10:01:45 PM) Doe5290: and that doesn't mean I don't want to ever see you again.. it means nothing would change... except for making out on your couch.... (:-P)
(10:02:13 PM) Doe5290: it means I need some down time to fi my relationship with myself... before I try to have one with someone else
(10:03:21 PM) Doe5290: please understand
(10:03:36 PM) Doe5290: I want to know if you understand before my parents drag me off the computer
(10:03:40 PM) Doe5290: please please please
(10:04:11 PM) secarelupus: I don't really have words to express how I feel
(10:05:06 PM) Doe5290: I know... but I don't know.... how to help you.... figure it out
(10:05:18 PM) secarelupus: I just, damnit, dad just walked into my room
(10:05:52 PM) Doe5290: well.. baby.. I have to go.. my mother is practically screaming at me...
(10:05:56 PM) secarelupus: no
(10:06:02 PM) secarelupus: I can't
(10:06:07 PM) secarelupus: wait
(10:06:18 PM) Doe5290: I can't wait for much longer....
(10:07:59 PM) secarelupus: I love you Erika, I always will, I want to be there to help you find yourself... I just wish I had some way of knowing that, when you do, you'll still be mine... Somehow I don't think that's the case
(10:08:10 PM) secarelupus: It's just...
(10:08:46 PM) secarelupus: If I had known that all these times would be,,, the last times,,,
(10:09:13 PM) Doe5290: not necessarily....
(10:09:28 PM) secarelupus: do you really believe that?
(10:09:31 PM) secarelupus: honestly
(10:10:19 PM) Doe5290: I don't know.... I honestly couldn't tell you
(10:11:02 PM) secarelupus: exactly...
(10:11:28 PM) secarelupus: Friday
(10:11:42 PM) Doe5290: what about it
(10:12:57 PM) secarelupus: was the last time we kissed.
(10:13:14 PM) secarelupus: had I known then...
(10:13:23 PM) secarelupus: hell, nothing would have changed
(10:14:12 PM) Doe5290: I know it's going to take a while to get your mind around it... but... /i think you need to sleep on it.. and I need to sleep on it.. .and if I don't leave.. my mother will shoot me
(10:14:45 PM) secarelupus: ok
(10:14:54 PM) secarelupus: sweet dreams Erika
(10:14:59 PM) Doe5290: good night
(10:15:36 PM) secarelupus: I'll see you in the morning
(10:15:44 PM) Doe5290: ok
(10:16:57 PM) Doe5290 has signed off.