Ahhh Women...
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own
gas
Can talk to my friends about the size
of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled
dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember
the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch
I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of
decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say
"Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You Just aint SHIT!!!
(Para que los Gringos aprendan español)
There's always something to learn or to try, many times you need to say some phrase in Spanish, but you don't know how to say it, don't
worry, your problems are finished, if your are a gringo and you don't
know how to speak Spanish, the Smart Gringo will be helpful in your learning. For instance, we took some common phrases,
just try them and you're gonna see the difference and how easy is speak
Spanish.
(leenlo primero en ingles, esta genial)
Boy as n r = Voy a cenar = I'm gonna have a
dinner
N L C John = en el sillon = on the armchair
Be a hope and son = viejo panzon = fat old man
Who and see to seek ago = Juancito se cago =
Little John is shit on himself
S toy tree stone = estoy triston = I'm kind a
sad.
Lost trap eat toss = los trapitos = the little
rags
Desk can saw = descanso = (you) rest.
As say toon as = aceitunas = olives.
The head the star mall less stan dough = deje de
estar molestando = stop bugging me.
See eye = si hay = yes we have
T n s free o ? = tienes frio = are you cold?
T N S L P P B N T S O = Tienes el pipi bien tieso
= you have an
erection.
Tell o boy ah in cruise tar = Te lo voy a
incrustar = I'm going to insert it in you
Grassy Ass= Gracias = Thank You
What women say... ...What they mean.
Can't we just be friends? There's no way in hell I'm
going to let any part of
your body touch any part of mine (again).
I just need some space... ...without you in it.
Do I look fat in this? We haven't had a fight in a while.
No, pizza's fine. Cheap
bastard.
I just don't want a I just don't want boyfriend now YOU as my b/f.
Come here. My puppy does this, too.
I like you but... I don't like you.
You never listen. You never listen.
We're moving too quickly. I'm not going to sleep
with you until I find out if this guy in Bio
has a girlfriend.
I'll be ready in a minute. I AM ready, but I'm going tmake you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I'll pay. I'm just being nice; there's for no way I'm going dutch.
Oh, yeah... right there... Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'm just going out with the girls We're gonna get sloppy and
make fun of you and your friends.
There's no one else. I'm doing your brother.
Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm.
And on the other side:
What guys say... ..What they mean.
It's just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and
she'll have her legs
wrapped around my head.
She's kind of cute. I want to bang her 'till I'm blue.
I don't know if I like her. She won't blow me.
I need you. My hand is tired.
I had her. I had (wet dreams
about) her.
I really want to get to
know you better so I can tell my
friends about it.
How do I comparewith all your other Boyrfriends? Is my penis really that small?
I want you back. ...for tonight, anyway.
We've been through so much together If it wasn't for you, I
never would have lost my
virginity.
I miss you so much. I'm so horny
I'm different from other guys I'm not circumcised.
By Adam Kraemer and Amy Butler
©1993 The Zamboni
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They responded...
"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."
"I would write my name in the snow."
"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"
"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."
"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."
"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."
"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."
"I would measure it both ways."
"Pee off of a tall building."
"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."
"I would treat women better with it."
"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."
"Demonstrate that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."
"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."
"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."
"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."
"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."
"See how many donuts I could carry with it."
"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"
-------------------------------
Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
*Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
*Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
*Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
*Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
*Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
*Say, "Now how did that get there?"
*Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
*Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say,"Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
*Say,"C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
*Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
*Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
*Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
*Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say,"Peek-a-boo!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE NEXT TIME YOU GET PULLED OVER BY A CHP (CA Highway Patrol)...
...The person in question, a woman in a Porsche, as it happens, was pulled
over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When
he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet
you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball." He
replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls." There followed a moment
of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed
his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
IF MEN MADE THE RULES
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a
"Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it
would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the
day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be
"Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."
9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... "Ally McNaked."
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.
" Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off."
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get
Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would
get to kill and eat the losers.
18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring,
you could present your wife-to-be with a giant
foam hand that said "You're #1!"
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you
during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out.
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to "I love you"
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you
would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car, like Fred Flintstone.
25. Hallmark would make...
"Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
The most powerful word?
Well, .....Shit.....
Shit just may be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced....
Shit outta luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a
place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
Buy shit,
Sell shit,
Lose shit,
Find shit,
Forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit---and die.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the
difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits,
Dumb shits,
Crazy shits,
And sweet shits.
There is bull shit,
Horse shit,
And chicken shit.
You can throw shit,
Sling shit,
Catch shit,
Or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit
Or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in
shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
Some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
Things can look like shit,
And there are times when you feel like shit.
You can carry shit,
Have a mountain of shit,
Or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
You can have too much shit,
Not enough shit,
The right shit,
The wrong shit or
A lot of weird shit.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you
swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
It's the basic building block of creation.
And remember,
Once you know your shit,
You don't need to know anything else !
(read with Italian accent, those who cannot, suffer !)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna me bitch !!
Later I go to eat at a bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
So, I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!!!
Ways to be Annoying
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". .
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". .
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip. . . "
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now. "
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. .
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket".
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Ask your Mom!!
How do you Know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What
do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old
ladies?
A bingo machine.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a
buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman
walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on
Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four
days." She looked at him and said, "God,I wish I had your
willpower."
How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded
baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each
arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the
car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern
zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a
southern fairy tale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this
shit...
"Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."
But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.
"Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here." And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the counter and opened it for the man. Inside, resting on a bed of satin, la lay an ancient wooden dildo.
"Wow, that pretty neat." said the man, "But what's so special about it?"
"This is the Voodoo dick." remarked the owner, "Watch." and then the owner commanded, "Voodoo dick, rise." All of a sudden the dildo rose and hovered in front of the man's face. "Voodoo dick, door." The dildo then flew to the door and started pounding on it like a jackhammer.
Five minutes later, when the door was nothing but a pile of splinters, the owner finally commanded, "Voodoo dick, box."
The dildo stopped suddenly and zipped back to rest in its box. The man, being in amazement, pronounced, "My god, this thing is incredible. I must have it. How much is it?"
"Oh no, I cannot sell it to you. It is a family hierloom and is not for sale."
"Well, I must have it. I'll give you $200 for it." demanded the man.
"No, not for sale."
"$500."
"No, I cannot."
"$750."
"I am sorry."
"$1000."
"Well, ok."
So the man took the dildo home and presented it to his wife, "When I am gone and you start to get hot and horny, all you need to do is say 'Voodoo dick, cunt' and it will do the rest." explained the man.
The next day the man had to leave for his business trip. He was not gone more than thirty minutes when his wife started to get that feeling again. She picked up a magazine to read and noticed that their lawn was being mowed, but wanting to stay faithful to her husband, she decided to try her new toy. She ran to the bedroom, fell onto the bed, opened the box, and commanded 'Voodoo dick, cunt'.
With that, the Voodoo dick started to fuck away at her pussy. The wife thought that this was incredible and was having one orgasm after another. An hour passed and she was still orgasming like crazy. Another hour passed and she was begining to tire and getting a bit sore. But she realized that she did not know the command to stop the Voodoo dick.
She decided that she had better get help as soon as she could. So she got into her car and raced to the hospital.
While speeding there,she flew past a cop who then proceeded to pull her over.
"Why in the hell were you driving so crazy?" asked the officer.
"Well officer," answered the wife, "I have this Voodoo dick in my cunt, and I dont know how to stop it."
To which the officer responded, "Voodoo dick, my ass!"
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet
clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my
package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
You can feel the magic between us...No, lower!
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even further for
that
thing
you do with your tongue.
Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
I know milk, it does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been
drinking?
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don't like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without
me.
Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.