The Direct to Video movie
The Ticker
by Michael A.H. Back
“Ticker”
Starring Tom Sizemore, Steven Seagal, Dennis Hopper.
Score: URP!!! Cinematic Equivalent of a Kick to the Groin (see end of article for explanation of rating scale).
Before we get into the meat of this review, I need to make something clear: I do NOT have a grudge against Steven Seagal. I think he is an exceptional martial artist, an above average instructor, and a plenty decent enough actor (despite the fact that he only has two expressions: scowling, and not scowling). I really liked “Above the Law“ and “Under Siege,” and I enjoyed “Marked for Death,” “Out for Justice,” and “Hard to kill.” In fact, my chief complaint against his other movies is too much preaching, and not enough Aikido!
So what you read below is not some vendetta against Mr. Seagal.
That having been said, onward to “Ticker,” a straight to video action/suspense flick.
This is your standard psycho bomber (Hopper) versus the tormented hero with internal demons (Sizemore) story. No real need to go more into the plot than that. The acting of all involved is mostly OK, although Dennis Hopper’s on again, off again Irish accent is kind of distracting, and Seagal has scenes where he doesn’t seem to realize he is supposed to BE acting.
The special effects, however, are some of the worst I have ever seen (at least, since the 60’s). If, for some reason I am unsuccessful in talking you out of renting this movie, pay close attention to a scene near the end of the movie were Hopper is driving, and holding a conversation with his female accomplice. Judging from the background, he’s traveling at about 35 or 40 mph. When she tells him to pull over, and the camera switches back to him, don’t look at Hopper. Watch the background. You will witness the fastest stop in the history of cinema. They couldn’t have stopped faster if they’d hit a brick wall. Apparently his car comes equipped with inertia dampers, because the occupants, who should have been hurled through the windshield when the car slammed to a stop that suddenly, don’t even demonstrate a slight forward shift.
But it’s not over yet. When the camera switches back to his female accomplice getting out of the car, THERE IT IS! The infamous black line around her body that screams “GREEN SCREEN.” The simple fact is you will see MUCH, MUCH better special effects in your average Smallville episode on TV than you will find ANYWHERE in this movie.
Then there is the “Oh, come on!” scenes. Like when a bad guy is in his car, and Seagal disarms him by front kicking the front bumper, thereby activating the air bag, which explodes into his face like a good right hook. A front kick that left narry a scratch on the bumper activated that bag? Oh, come on!
As for the characters . . .