Our Baby Girl
I was 23 weeks into my second pregnancy with a baby girl, who we named Christensa Lynn. Christensa after my Great Grandma Ella Christensa and Lynn after my mother Mellodi Lynn. On June 21, 2000, I was getting up to go to the bathroom when I noticed a pink discharge after going to the bathroom. I was calm and put a call into my doctor's office. Linda, my doctor's nurse, called me back to tell me to come up to Reno and they would check me out. I arrived at my doctor's office at about 2:45pm. He examined me and could get the tip of his finger in my cervix. He sent me directly to the hospital. There I was examined again by a Perinatologist. She confirmed by ultrasound that I was indeed dilated to 2cm. She informed me that I would not be leaving the hospital. I was admitted. I was set up with the works (IV, cath, tilted bed, (feet up, head down) and medicine to the max). I was in for a long stay. Approximately 12 weeks. That was the goal. I was ready. If it meant staying in bed for 12 weeks to save my baby girl I would. The horror of my last pregnancy was happening all over again. My first pregnancy with my son, Andrew, ended at 26 weeks. He was 2lbs. 3oz. 14 1/4 inches long. He survived and is now eight and a half years old, after a long battle with many problems. This pregnancy was going to be different, we were doing everything extra careful, with extra visits to the doctor and everything was going great. This wasn't going to happen to us again. I was doing so good in the hospital that after one week, the doctor leveled my bed and had the cath taken out. I was then allowed to get out of bed to use the bathroom. I didn't want to, I was afraid to get up. The very next day, I went into labor again. I notified the nurse that I was having contractions. She came in and checked the computer and felt my stomach and told me that it was not contractions that it was only gas. Well this "gas" went on for another 6-7 hours. I kept telling the nurse about the contractions, but it didn't dawn on her that something was really wrong until I began passing large blood clots while I was using the bathroom. She then called the doctor and he had her examine me. She did, then quickly left the room without saying anything. Another nurse came in to examine me, she commented that I was "complete". I said excuse me! The doctor then himself examined me and said that I was not complete, that I was only 2-3 cm and my bag of water had hourglassed. He then told me that he needed a decision. I was in shock. My husband, Jason, didn't even know this was happening yet, as this was now 1:00am. The doctor then explained that he needed to know what we wanted to do with the baby and explained that she would not live, but next time they would definitely put in a cerclage at 13 weeks so that this wouldn't happen again. He said that by the time they did a C-section she would be dead and if I delivered vaginally she would die after birth. Great I thought, but what about my daughter. They pretty much gave up on her and allowed my labor to continue as it was too far to stop it now and the drugs were ineffective. This was the most painful experience I have ever faced. The contractions were so hard and there was alot of blood coming out of me and I was throwing up from the increase in the medicine. I thought I was dying and wanted to go with my daughter to heaven. She was born at 6:27am weighing in at 1lb. 4oz., 13 inches long. She was alive with very faint vitals. They worked on her for awhile, however she could not maintain on her own and we choose not to have life support after what we had gone through with our son. We did not want her to suffer. After they worked on her and cleaned her up, they wraped her in a little blanket and handed her to my husband and I. She died while in our arms. She was so beautiful. Ten fingers and toes with little finger nails. She had her father's toes and his perfectly straight nose. She had my chin and lips. Redish hair and eyebrows and eyelashes. She was perfect. They came and took her from us. I was then moved to another room away from the labor area, as I requested. I was in complete shock of what had just happened. I remained in the hospital for two more days. The nurse who had just came on the morning Christensa was born, had made us a memory box. It contained her little hat, photos, her feet prints, her footprints in plaster ,her ID bracelet and a baby quilt. I cried when she showed me all of the stuff. I think that was when it really hit me. She told me that as long as I was in the hospital I could still see her. My husband had left and went and picked up our son. Our son was so brave. We first talked with him about what had happened, then we showed him the memory box, and then he wanted to see her. So I had the nurse bring her back to the room. Andrew held her and told her how much he loved her and how he wished he could have played with her when she grew up. It was the sadest thing in the world to see him say that to his baby sister that he would never play with. We had a little memorial service for her with all of our close family and a few friends. She is now close by my bed as I cannot be far from her just yet until some of the pain softens. Since her birth, I have learned that I probably have an incompetent cervix and will not be able to carry a baby full term unless a cerclage is put in and that still is not a guarantee. We still want more children but are afraid of losing another child. That is the most unbearble experience in life-the loss of a child we so dearly wanted and prayed for. We have since gone on to have a healthy full term baby girl we named, Gillian Marie. Little Christensa is now a big sister in heaven watching over her little sister and big brother. Gillian was conceived very quickly after Christensa passed away. We had a very long difficult pregnancy with 25 weeks of bedrest. But Christensa was watching over me to make sure nothing happened to her little sister. We love you so much and miss you dearly!
This is the poem I wrote to her:
You are our baby,
Christensa Lynn.
You were prayed for and loved,
by all of our family and friends.
Hearing your heartbeat and feeling you grow and move was the greatest joy.
Losing you has been the deepest pain to endure,
but you will always be loved and never forgotten.
-your mommy-
You will be in our hearts forever, we love you and miss you greatly. Not a day goes by that we don't think of you.
Visit Kristi's Place of Hope and view the Angel Memorial Page!Christensa is there.
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Stephanie A. Harris
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