| 20 Million Miles to Earth Released: 1957 MPAA Rating: No rating Genre: Super Monster Nuts and Bolts: A planetary expedition returns from Venus with one of its indigenous life forms. But under Earth’s atmosphere the creature grows to colossal proportions and runs amok throughout the streets of Rome. Summary: First off let me start by saying, that this isn’t really a horror flick. It’s a sci-fi film, but since it features a really cool looking Ray Harryhausen creation, I feel it merits inclusion on this site. Okay, we start off with a couple of swarthy Sicilian fisherman and a dirty little brat named Pepe. They are on the Mediterranean when a big ass rocket ship plunks down into the water. They paddle their swarthy asses out towards the ship and succeed in rescuing two surviving crewmembers. The first is Colonel Robert Calder, commander of the vessel. And the second is the first mate, Sharmin. While the swarthy ones are helping the Americans out of their broke-ass ship, Pepe fucks about and finds a funky looking canister. Greedy little prick that he is, he steals the thing. They paddle back to the mainland of Sicily and the Americans are taken to the hospital. Reports get back to America where Army general A.D McIntosh prepares to collect the ship’s survivors and findings. He brings with him a man named Judson Uhl. (This is the doctor sort of guy whose sole purpose is to make us feel bad for all the naughty ways we abuse nature and such.) Back in Sicily, Pepe cracks open the canister and a river of snot spills out. Inside the booger is a strange looking alien shape. (And no, it’s not a ninja turtle) Feeling as if this is an important find he takes the thing to Doctor Leonardo of the Giardino Zoo of Rome. Pepe pimps the Doc for 200 Lira for the thing and the old man promptly pays him. Meanwhile, Leonardo’s daughter Marisa (who is studying to be a doctor) attends to her patients, Calder and Sharmin. Sharmin is in his death-throes and Calder tries his best to revive him. This fails however and practically leads to an altercation between Calder and Not-yet-a-doctor Leonardo. At this point we learn that the astronauts had just returned from the planet Venus and they have brought back an alien life form. It is their hope that by studying the life form, they may discover a means to alter Venus’ atmosphere so that it will safe for humans. (Arrogant fucks ain’t they? It’s bad enough we’ve polluted the shit out of our own world; now we gotta go and fuck up somebody else’s crib. Nice, eh?) Marisa returns home to her father’s trailer and he shows her the space booger. The little critter trapped inside claws his way out and makes some strange hooting noises. It’s only about a eight inches tall at this point. Amazed, Doctor Leonardo scoops the little fucker up and slaps him inside of a wooden cage on the back of the trailer. The two decide to take the creature to the Giardino Zoo in Rome for study. At this time, the army arrives to meet up with Calder. They question the swarthy fishermen about the rocket crash and Pepe reveals that he once had the canister. This little fuck pimps the army general for a shitload of money (Or at least it sounds like a shitload, but its probably only five bucks) and tells him that he gave it to Doctor Leonardo. Calder and the boys track down the Leonardos halfway to Messina. By this point the creature has grown in size and is almost as tall as a regular human. It breaks out of the trailer and attacks Marisa. Marisa survives unscathed by the alien runs off into the woods. Calder asks Leonardo where it took off to, and the older man points him to a barn. Inside the barn, the creature gets his ass whooped by a farmer’s dog and takes to higher ground for safety. The army boys bust in and find the critter skittering about through the rafters. Calder remarks that the creature is only dangerous when provoked. So what does he do? He goes after him with a pitchfork! His plan is to get the creature pissed off enough so that it will jump down where they can hopefully prod it into a wooden wagon waiting nearby. Well, after about two or three pokes with a stick the monster leaps down and rips the shit out of some local farmer. He then takes off into the Messina countryside. Calder informs the Italian police force that the creature exists on a diet of sulfur and is susceptible to high volts of electricity. They radio in for helicopters to drop bags of sulfur about the place in order to lure the creature to a predestined location. Once doing so, they drop an electrically charged net overtop of him. He struggles to break free, but it ultimately brings him down. Calder and the boys pack him up and prepare to take him to Rome. Back at the Giardino zoo, the Venusian has grown to a size roughly thirty-five feet tall. They keep him sedated by way of electric jolts through his nervous system. Too much electricity will kill him, but too little will wake him up. As per typical monster films, something malfunctions and the Venusian wakes up. He easily tears through his bindings and wanders out into the street. The Venusian must smell really bad because no sooner does he get out into the sunshine than an elephant breaks loose attacking the poor fellow. The two titans wrestle about through the streets of Rome crushing anything that gets into their path (At one point the elephant is knocked over turning two hapless Italians into partially pulverized piles of Prego). Colonel Calder embarks upon a BRILLIANT plan. He decides to ram it with his car! This only succeeds in pissing the creature off and he escapes into the Tiber River. The Italian police officials begin bombing the river with grenades and mortar fire. The Venusian eventually comes up through a bridge and begins whooping the shit out of everyone again. They chase him to the Roman Coliseum where they prepare for the final showdown. The Venusian scales the outer edges of the walls until he gets to the top of the Coliseum. Now since this is Rome and not New York, they don’t exactly have a bunch of airplanes that can come along to shoot him down like King Kong on a bad day. Rather, they have tanks that can spit flames and armed personnel that are only too anxious to use their bazookas and grenades. Bazooka Joe lands a few decent shots at the top of the landmark. The stone around the Venusian’s feet crumbles just enough so that he falls down to the Earth. The creature is now dead, but do you think this makes anyone happy? No! They just stand around looking at it sorrowfully as if they didn’t really want to kill it in the first place. Acting/Dialogue: The Italian actors are complete crap, but the American ones do okay I suppose. William Hopper (Calder) plays the atypical hero type. He’s gung-ho and he ain’t about to take no shit from those wannabe doctor people (Or his superiors for that matter). I get kind of tired of seeing everybody in a movie kowtow to the vanity of one male lead. This was a trait that was practically required in most films of the 40s and 50s. The worst one in the bunch was that annoying as hell Pepe kid. God, how I was hoping the monster would eat him up and spit out the bones. Gore: Doctor Sharmin is pretty fucked up looking as we see him lying in the hospital bed. He’s got boils and blisters all over his face. Apparently no one ever warned these astronauts about squeezing the Sharmin. (You younger fellas probably aren’t gonna get that joke, but the old timers will.) The Venusian also lays a smack down on a rampaging elephant. We see him chomp into his neck with blood running down the sides. All told, its pretty graphic for a 50s flick. Guilty Pleasures: I really got a kick out of seeing all the rubble and shit falling on top of the American soldiers killing them. The Good: This is a really cool fucking movie. A lot of people may think that its your typical b-grade cheese festival, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s a well-done tightly produced tale of exploitation and mankind’s arrogance towards the unknown. The moral lesson provided here is very plain and is made obvious by the fact that this is not a creature that seeks wanton destruction. He just wants to be left the fuck alone. You actually start feeling sorry for the guy as he is trying to get away from the army vehicles. Towards the end, you just want to see him smash the shit out of everything in his path until people decide to leave him be. I also really enjoyed the dynamic between Colonel Robert (I got a really big penis, wanna see?) Calder and Marisa (I’m not a nurse, I’m gonna be a doctor, and yes I would very much like to see your penis) Leonardo. Marisa is one of these new fangled independent sorta gals and she don’t take shit from anyone. I thought it was cool that they placed her in the role of the aggressive one. It is ultimately Marisa who ends up hitting on Calder and she sports some pretty smooth lines to boot. This girl’s got game. The monster himself is really fucking cool. This is probably special effects wizard Ray Harryhausen’s finest work prior to Clash of the Titans. In fact fans of both films may even note some vast similarities between the Venusian from 20 Million Miles to Earth and the Kraken from Clash of the Titans. The only real difference is that the Kraken is taller and he’s in full color. Now while the stop-motion animation may appear a bit choppy at times, it never ceases to amaze me how well they can integrate the puppetry into the stock body of the film. The scene with the Venusian fighting the elephant is totally kick-ass. What makes 20 Million Miles to Earth superior to films like Godzilla or Mothra is that the monster becomes the focal point of the movie. With a Godzilla flick, the big G is usually a motivating tool used to spice up what is actually a sub-plot, which is independent of the monsters themselves (Usually an alien invasion). But here, everyone’s energy is concentrated towards the Venusian. This is what makes it a very easy film to follow and it helps to keep the pacing brisk and fluid. The Bad: The Italian characters are really aggravating in this; especially that snotty little Pepe kid. They really go overboard with the ultra-accentuated accents wherein every word has to end with the letter ‘A’. I’ve known a few Sicilians in my time and they don’t ALL talk like that. Butta whatta do youa expecta froma olda monsta movie? There’s a pretty silly scene that occurs shortly after the Venusian breaks free of his restraints. The army manages to lose sight of the fucker and they start bombing the shit out of the Tiber River in an effort to drive him out. I guess this is how the locals go fishing in Italy; bomb the crap out of it and wait for all the little fishy corpses to come floating up to the top. (Props to my wife for that joke.) The only other problem I have with this is that the monster is kinda wimpy. I mean, for Christ’s sakes he gets his ass whooped by a friggin’ dog! He gets a little tougher later on when he’s more buff, and he even manages to put the sleeper hold on a plastic elephant. But our bad boy gets pretty rocked by cannon fire while dancing around the Coliseum and dies when he hits the dirt. For such a cool looking dude, I would have thought he’d be a bit tougher. Great Lines: I’ll post some later. Don’t feel like doing it right now. Simpsons are coming on. Overall Rating: 7 out of 10 severed heads. |
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