| Bubba Ho-Tep Released: 2002 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Mummy / Comedy Nuts and Bolts: Hail to the king? Bah. This time…Bruce Campbell IS the King. Summary: Evil Dead's ass-kicking department store clerk Bruce Campbell now stars as the one and only Elvis Presley. Twenty years ago, Elvis found himself greatly disillusioned with the drugs, booze, fame and glamour that precipitated his every waking moment. Desperate to take himself out of the spotlight, he found an Elvis impersonator named Sebastian Haff. Elvis made a deal with Haff that allowed the two Kings of rock-n-roll to switch places. Haff would go on as the "real" Elvis while Presley would continue work as an Elvis impersonator. This way he could enjoy performing for audiences while escaping the mayhem that he had known as the former King of rock. But the years had not been kind to Elvis. During a tribute concert, he fell from the stage breaking his hip. Not seeking proper care, the injury became infected and he was eventually shipped off to the Mud Creek Convalescence Home in Texas. Twenty years later, we find Elvis still living at Mud Creek, a tired bitter old man suffering the pangs of his lost youth as well as the pains of a puss-ridden growth on the end of his love-me-tender. Elvis does not have the greatest of company either. His nurse is a no-nonsense black woman who is forced to rub Vaseline on Elvis' sore pecker every morning. His roommate is a hacking, wheezy old fuck named Bull Thomas who keeps Elvis awake late at night with his constant phlegm chucking. Another denizen of Mud Creek is a creepy old lady that steals the eyeglasses off of iron lung patients. There is a patient named Kemosabe who looks strangely a lot like an aging Clayton Moore (Lone Ranger fame). On top of that, we have an elderly black man who is none other than the disguised ex-president John F Kennedy (Ossie Davis). Apparently Lyndon B Johnson faked JFK's death in Dallas and had his people dye him black in order to disguise him. It seems to have worked too, since Johnny has been living the quiet life here at Mud Creek for the past forty years. But things start turning sinister when an odd gift-wrapped package arrives at the rest home. The eyeglass thieving old lady steals the gift and takes it back into her room to open it. To her dismay, hidden inside a layer of chocolate candies is an Egyptian mutant scarab beetle. She tries to squash the thing with her cane, but this is one tough badass little bed bug. The beetle gets a hold of her and the old bitch falls over dead. Elvis' roommate Bull finally croaks over dead. The guy's daughter Callie comes in to collect her father's affects. At first Elvis is fairly impressed with the cutesy blonde, most notably when she leans over projecting her ass clear in front of his face. But he likewise notices that she has absolutely no affection at all for her late father and considers the duty of collecting his things to be a great annoyance. Before long however, the strange box of chocolates mysteriously appears in Elvis' room late at night. Inspecting the item, he runs afoul of the strange mutant beetle that attacked the old lady. But this is the KING we're talking about here, and he ain't gonna go down like no pussy. Elvis strikes a martial arts pose, and when that fails to get a reaction he begins thrashing the thing with his walker. But this is one strong little bug, and he is prepared to give Elvis a run for his money. The walker proves useless, so Elvis traps the critter inside his bedpan. But this is a temporary restraint at best, and he is finally forced to stab it with an over-sized shrimp fork. A strange electrical discharge issues forth and Elvis begins having memory flashbacks of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh. The pharaoh in question is named Amen Ho-Tep, who apparently got a little too frisky with the vestal virgins back in his salad days. Now as anyone could tell you, a royal noble who fucks up during a hot Egyptian summer is likely to be condemned to any number of cool torturous curses. These guys were the kings of curses. Nobody could sling a curse with the harshness that these guys could. These guys knew how to mete out some motherfucking DOOM on your ass. They had a curse for every day of the week. Like all the other fuck-ups, Amen Ho-Tep was mummified and buried without the honor of his name, thereby robbing his soul of the chance to hang out with all the cool badass Egyptian gods in the afterlife. After centuries of toiling about in a hot stuffy sarcophagus, some archaeologists disinterred his earthly remains and he began doing the museum circuit. Eventually his corpse was transported to the states where it ended up in east Texas. But somebody stole the body and tried to make off with it during a really torrential rainstorm. The bus they were driving swerved off a bridge and dumped Amen Ho-Tep's remains into the creek. His casket busted open and the mummy now has to go forth and claim souls so that he can get enough lead in his pencil (Elvis doesn't learn all of this at once; the images are spread out over the course of an hour, but I thought it would be easier to simply sum it all up right here). As Elvis struggles to understand the strange events and memory flashes that he seems to be suffering from, he meets with JFK in the rest home shitter. Kennedy calls attention to the fact that someone had carved Egyptian hieroglyphs into the stall of the men's room. JFK begins researching and translates a partial text to read, "Cleopatra does the nasty". He further learns that the one responsible for the restroom graffiti is in the business of sucking souls. But souls come in all shapes and sizes and those found at the Mud Creek rest home constitute 'small' souls. So in order to regain his full strength, the mummy would have to suck a LOT of fucking souls. Since the souls can be sucked from any bodily orifice, neither JFK nor Elvis relish the idea of a 3,000-year-old mummy slurping on their asshole. As the two begin meandering about the hallways looking for mummies and runaway beetles, the all-powerful Amen Ho-Tep makes his appearance known. Draped in shadows and wearing a cowboy hat, the raggedy mummy begins stalking down the hall. Elvis refers to him as being some kind of "Bubba Ho-Tep" since mummies traditionally do not wear good-ole-boy hats. Kemosabe, the Lone Ranger wannabe comes out in the hall and decides to square off with Bubba Ho-Tep. But just like every other doddering old fuck at Mud Creek, Kemosabe is barely shooting blanks. Bubba goes to attack him, but Kemo falls over dead from a heart attack before Bubba can get his mitts on him. Fortunately for him, he shuffled the mortal coil with his soul intact. Bubba appears to take little notice of Elvis and JFK and continues on his way for tastier treats. So now Elvis and JFK realize that Bubba can indiscreetly snack on the poop-chutes of every person at Mud Creek without repercussion. After all, who is going to think twice if some decrepit old fuck keels over, right? It's decided that fire is probably the best way to counter Bubba Ho-Tep's advances. JFK hits the books and comes up with some power words intended to halt Bubba Ho-Tep in his tracks. Elvis meanwhile switches in to his classic stage gear and begins jerry-rigging some weeding equipment into a custom-made flamethrower. Armed and dangerous, the two old cocks begin patrolling the grounds of the rest home. Now JFK can't walk on his own for very long without some assistance, so he dresses up in his finest presidential suit and begins tooling around in an electrically powered wheelchair. Bubba Ho-Tep springs out and attacks him. Elvis hides behind the shrubs and begins chanting the power words that Kennedy found. But the power words turn out to be nothing more than some really bad poetry and nothing is accomplished. As Kennedy breathes his final breaths, Elvis lunges at Bubba and begins spraying him with the gasoline. Bubba and he wrestle around for a bit and the two take a disastrous tumble down a steep hill. The fall is especially damaging for Elvis who breaks several ribs in the journey. He manages to spark his lighter however and toss it at the mummy. Bubba Ho-Tep goes up in flames and the King passes on soon after from his mortal injuries. Oh yeah…he also gets his pecker working again throughout the course of the movie. Acting / Dialogue: Bruce Campbell can do no wrong. He's aces in every thing he does. Even his cameo roles in Spider-Man and Darkman are kick-ass. Naturally most people remember him as the shit-kicking Ash Williams from Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, and Army of Darkness. But now, the King of Horror gets the chance to play the King of Rock-n-Roll. Bruce does a surprisingly good portrayal of the aging performer, and as I watch the cantankerous old coot scoot around on his walker, I can't help but wonder if the real Elvis would have behaved similarly. Amazingly, Bruce takes the roll fairly seriously. Despite the cheeky veneer that he puts on, he also conveys a depth of character that I don't think has ever been shown in an Elvis portrayal before or since. This works both for and against Bruce. While it allows us to take his performance with a bit more sobriety than we would like, it also robs us of some really great material. I for one was fully expecting to see Bruce lay some octogenarian whoop-ass onto Bubba. But Bruce also gets the best lines in the movie and there are some priceless moments as we watch Elvis whine about his diseased penis or bitching at his nurse. The best part about this role I've found is that it is easy enough to see him as the Elvis character and forget that it is Bruce Campbell beneath the makeup. At first I was expecting to just see Ash wearing an Elvis wig, but the prosthetics and Campbell's natural talent easily push aside all reminders of his more infamous character. Ossie Davis plays the role of John F Kennedy. Needless to say, this is probably the most inappropriate casting choice ever made regarding an ex-president. But since it is never stated whether or not Ossie's character really is JFK, I guess it is up to us to decide whether or not he's for real, or just a nutball with delusions of grandeur. I prefer to think it is the former. Regardless of the casting, Ossie is a lot of fun to watch and I think he played off Campbell's character nicely. Oh yeah…and if you pay close enough attention you'll see a cameo by Reggie Bannister as the head of Mud Creek Convalescence Home. Reggie cut his teeth on the 80's cult classic Phantasm movies. Gore: This is not a particularly violent movie. To be honest, I'm still scratching my head over the fact that it was rated R. This is clearly PG-13 material. There isn't any notable gore here; just a laughably creepy dung beetle. We never really get a clear shot of Bubba Ho-Tep either. For the most part, he's adorned in strips of dirty cloth that are nearly indiscernible from the rest of his body. All of it is filmed in dark lighting so we never get to see any part of him very clearly. His face is primarily a skull wearing a cowboy hat. I assume he got the hat from the shmuck that first stole his sarcophagus. Ultimately, there was very little payoff effects-wise with the final product. Guilty Pleasures: There is a very quick shot of an Egyptian woman's jugglies during one of Elvis' Egyptian flashback scenes. Not enough to really worth mentioning however. The Good: Never let it EVER be said that there is no longer such a thing as ORIGINALITY when it comes to horror movies. Think about the plot pitch for a moment if you will: Elvis impersonates an Elvis impersonator and teams up with a black John Kennedy to fight a soul-sucking Mummy. How fucking cool is that? Seriously, that is just so damn wacky that it demands to be made into a movie. And who better to play the blue sueded one than Mr. Chin himself, Bruce Campbell? Who better to direct such a male testosterone-laden farce than the guy who brought us the Phantasm movies, Mister Don Coscarelli? But let's cut the sinew from the bone now shall we? This movie is ALL about Bruce. Without Bruce Campbell working the infamous pelvic thrust, this movie just couldn't have been made. He's got the look, he's got the style, he's got the gay-man's jumpsuit, he's got the rhinestone eyeglasses, he's even got the notorious Elvis lip-curl. But not everything about Bruce's work involves hokey one-liners and campy physical comedy. There's a serious undercurrent working with the character as well. The most important scene that illustrates this takes place when Callie, the snooty daughter of Elvis' late roommate comes in to collect his things. As Callie bends over to pick some stuff off the floor, Elvis gazes over and peeks up her shorts commenting about how he can see her "bird nest". It's not so much that Callie is aware or unaware of Elvis' lascivious actions, but more about the fact that she really doesn't give a shit if some old fuck is looking up her twat. For someone like Elvis Presley, that is quite a blow to the ego. Elvis painfully watches as Callie shows nothing but total apathy and annoyance at the fact that her father has died. To her, it is nothing more than a gross inconvenience. But for Elvis, it's a painful eye-opener. His wife Priscilla and daughter Lisa Marie both believe him to be dead. So he reflects about whether his family would act similarly to Callie if the truth ever became known. This sets the stage for everything that follows. In a thematic way I suppose, it even grants Elvis the internal strength to survive beyond his gross pecker sores. He freaks out on his nurse when she tries to apply the medicinal gel to him screaming, "I can lube my own crankshaft!" Finally, he discovers the outlet by which he can reclaim a semblance of purpose and integrity - Bubba Ho-Tep. He is later heard remarking that he now has the chance to be the hero that he always fantasized about in his movies. All of this stems back to the incident with Callie and I find it important, since I'm sure many people may get an incorrect perception of what the scene is meant to foretell. Or maybe I'm completely fucking wrong and it's not meant to mean anything save for showing off Callie's curvy ass. But hey…I have to write SOMETHING here you know. I have mixed feelings about the end of the movie however. This film is just too campy and corny to have our hero die at the end. Thematically, I suppose its appropriate since Elvis accomplished what he needed to do. He got his dick working, he beat the bad guy, and he managed to regain a spark of life in an otherwise dreaded existence. But no matter how deliberate the serve-up may have been, I just can't abide the fact that he dies. This movie is just too damn goofy for such a send-off. Elvis' last words however are suitably amusing. As he shuffles off that damn mortal coil, bubbling from his curled lip comes the infamous, "Thank yuh. Thank yuh vurry much." The Bad: This is the second time in the past year that I have found myself anxiously awaiting a movie that takes forever to come out on DVD and being sorely disappointed upon finally viewing it after so long a wait. The first was Rob Zombie's less-than-stellar chainsaw ripoff House Of 1000 Corpses. Similar to House 1K, this movie left me feeling about as satisfied as an old lady using a tampon that she found in a back alley somewhere buried between a sour milk container and three days worth of neglected Chinese takeout. The Opportunity Plane has left the airport, and Don Coscarelli forgot his boarding pass. Bubba Ho-Tep will keep you chuckling on a fairly consistent basis, but there is little here I have found that really had me laughing out loud. This was a movie boiling over with potential but somehow Coscarelli just wasn't using the right ladle to scoop it up in. It strikes me that they went with a first draft script, and didn't take the time to really put some polish on it. As amusing as the dialogue was, it could have been a LOT funnier. Throughout the movie I was waiting to see Elvis getting accidentally zapped by some strange mystical force, which would grant him super-powers. After all, how else do you expect him to whoop the shit out of a crusty gooey ole mummy? I suppose the bulk of my misgivings are really my own fault. No matter how hard I tried, I wanted to see some antics similar to that of Bruce's character in Evil Dead. Despite the Tennessee drawl and the hysterically paunchy beer-gut, I half-expected him to say, "Shop smart. Shop S-mart." My anticipation for the film was also heightened by the fact that I had to wait for over a fucking year just to see the son of a bitch. By the time I finally got to watch it, my expectations had grown beyond any realistic standard I could have held for the film. In retrospect, I suppose it was inevitable that this little ditty wouldn't tickle my pickle in quite the way that I prefer my pickle to be tickled. But don't let that stop you from seeing it. This is Bruce fucking Campbell God dammit! Viewing each of his movies at least once is required by international law…or something. Hail to the king, baby. Great Lines: "Eat the dog dick of Anubis, you ass wipe!" -Bubba's only spoken words as translated through subtitles. I didn't even know there WAS an Egyptian translation for dog dick! Clearly, the best line in the whole movie. "Never…never fuck with the King!" -Elvis "They dyed me this color!" -John F Kennedy "It'd been two presidential elections since I'd had a hard-on that big." -Elvis "Come and get it, you undead sack of shit!" -Elvis "Don't make me use my stuff on ya, baby!" -Elvis Overall Rating: 6 out of 10 severed heads (I refuse to give anything starring Bruce Campbell anything less than a 6 no matter how shitty it might be). |
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