That's right my little chickadees. Yer ole pal the Headhunter is now spearheading his own personal advice column! Having trouble with your friends? Your coworkers don't appreciate you? Your girlfriend dumped you? Your parents can't understand why you enjoy fingering the family cat? Well tell the Headhunter your problems and he'll be sure to set you on the straight and narrow. Remember folks; NO problem is too big that you can't talk about it on the Internet. Let's see what Heady's got in his mailbox today shall we? Dear Heady, My name is Clarence G Honeycutt. I am in the birth-stages of beginning an illustrious career as a psychopathic slasher. Any advice you can give for the neophyte psychopaths of the world? Clarence G Honeycutt St. Louis, Missouri So you wanna be a slasher ala Michael Myers and Leatherface eh, Clarence? Well for starters, the first thing you gotta do is change your name. The name Clarence G Honeycutt simply doesn't inspire fear and terror in would-be victims. Sure, it might make your job a bit easier…as your victims will be too busy laughing at "Deadly Clarence" to be able to execute a successful escape. But is that really how you want your psycho-killer reputation to get off the ground? No, I would suggest picking up a manlier sounding moniker like Butch Mason or Jack Crow or something like that. People will take you more seriously. It also wouldn't hurt to come up with a fancy sounding "newspaper" name from which you can be more easily identified. Look what it did for Leatherface? Wrestlers do this sort of shit all the time and it works wonders. I bet nobody EVER laughs at "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan or the "Undertaker"! You just gotta coin yourself a name that has something to do with your modus operandi. And by God, if you even THINK of using the name "Headhunter", then you and I are going to have words my friend. I would also suggest coming up with a decent WOC that hasn't been over-used yet. (WOC = Weapon Of Choice). Obviously, butcher knives and Chainsaws have been done to death, so I wouldn't recommend either of those. How about a tomahawk? Or a cordless drill? Garden shears would make for some interesting body wounds as well. The point is, be creative! Keep a stiff upper lip, and don't let anybody tell you that you can't fulfill your dreams. Good luck buddy. Sincerely, The Headhunter Hellooooooo Headhunter Do you like scary movies? What's your favorite scary movie? Can I have your phone number? GF Woodsboro, California Okay, this is really pathetic dude. The whole "Scream" thing died out like five years ago okay dicklicker? See…what makes the whole Ghostface gig so sad, is the fact that you don't even have super-powers. You can't come back from the dead; you can't shake off a couple rounds of police issue .38 caliber slugs and you can't deliver your spirit into the body of a Good Guy doll. Couple that with the fact that you needed a partner to work with you, and you STILL weren't able to nail that bitch Sydney Prescott! Seriously, how lame is that? Real men work alone. Jason and Freddy never needed partners. You never saw anyone holding Michael Myers' hand. Candyman sure as fuck didn't have a sidekick. If you ever expect to get anywhere in this world, you need to grab the bull by the horns. Take initiative! Don't wait around for somebody to get your back, because the minute that you do - they'll begin scheming up the best ways in which to stab you in it. Oh, and to answer your lame questions: Yes, Hellraiser and 1-800-GOFUCKYOURSELF. Have a nice life, assface. Sincerely, The Headhunter "Dear Heady, Remember the girl from Urban Legend who called the hotline because she accidentally swallowed her boyfriend's…you know…STUFF. Well, it seems that I am suffering from the same problem as well. I don't want to offend my boyfriend but I am really really scared. What should I do?" Amy Milligan Rochester, New York Well Amy, for starters let me just say that I like you already. And your boyfriend likes you too, no question about it. You just continue to do what you've been doing and everything will work itself out fine. Remember, nobody likes a spitter. Spitting is rude. Sincerely, The Headhunter And here's one from Toby Gillis (Age 13) "Dear Heady, There's this girl at scool that I rilly like right? And like, I think she likes me an all…cept there's a probelm. Everytime I see her I notice a picture of a pentagram appeering in the palm of her hand. Is that normal? What shuld I do?" Toby Gillis Grand Rapids, Michigan Well Toby, the first thing you should do is get hooked on phonics. I think you'll find that life is sweeter when approached with proper grammar. Now as for this girl problem; let her go. This is not a side effect of puberty. It's pretty obvious that you're a werewolf. Don't believe me? Go watch the Wolf Man. It is clearly shown that a werewolf will see the image of the pentagram appearing on the palm of their next victim's hand. Best thing for you to do is to find a silver bullet and take care of this issue straight away. But make sure you're far out in the woods when you do yourself in. We don't want your parents coming home to find a bloody mess on the carpet now would we? Sincerely, The Headhunter And here's one that shows that even people from other countries can benefit from the Headhunter's guidance as well. "Dear Heady My name is Doctor Hans Güterschwein. I have been conducting extensive genetic research on the local wildlife in the southern region of Borneo. However, after several weeks of intensive study, I was amazed to discover that a thirty-five-foot 400-pound Orb-Weaver spider (Arachnis Araneae) has been threatening the nearby village. I have become concerned for my own safety. Any advice you can offer regarding this perilous dilemma will be greatly appreciated." Sincerely Doctor Hans Güterschwein MD Hamburg, Germany (By way of southern Borneo) Well doc, chances are, you are probably already dead. You see, everyone knows that LAN lines don't work for shit in southern Borneo. When I saw your email in my in-box it indicated that you sent this on March 3rd 2001. Well it is now early 2003 and I just got your message yesterday. So by this point, I think it is safe to assume that you have long since left this Earth to be with your ancestors. Fortunately Hans, you included your home address in the original email so I at least know where to send the flowers. And by the way…what the fuck is it with you German guys and genetic experimentation? Didn't you numbskulls learn ANYTHING after World War II? Quit fucking around with that stuff! Sincerely, The Headhunter And of course, one of THESE types of letters is bound to show up from time to time. "Dear Heady I am the vampire Velestros. The dark tears that run down my aquiline face cry oceans of torment. My chest beats with a heart that has no blood; only sorrow. Your voice is the only thing that soothes the aching melancholy that fills the days and nights of my tomorrow. Join me and together we shall explore the byways of darkness and take each other to new levels of beloved black rapture." Velestros New Orleans, Louisiana First off asshole, I ain't buying it. You're not a vampire. This is just some bored lonely little geek sitting in front of his computer desperate to do everything in his power to be 'radical' and 'different'. Maybe its because you're experimenting with your sexuality and you feel this makes you 'special'. Or maybe you're just depressed because Mary-Lou Suckafuck didn't accept your invitation to the high school homecoming dance. Well Boo-fucking-Hoo. Tortured and tormented my fat ass! There are kids out there who have to endure things like cerebral palsy and Leukemia. You know…REAL problems. You think these dying kids give a fuck whether or not your new hair dye is 'Goth' enough? You think I do? Here's a clue ass-clown. Wipe that black shit off your lips, eat something besides soy burgers, change into some real clothes and put away the poetry book because quite frankly you suck at it! If you're so desperate to be a fucking rebel vampire then quit doing the same boring old shit that everyone else does! Listening to Static X all day doesn't make you eccentric. It makes you common! And suffering some great injustice of the heart doesn't make you deep. It makes you ordinary! Get this through your head dick-nibbler. You are NOT a beautiful or unique snowflake! You are a shit-sucking, ass-picking, nut-scratching, booger-eating taxpayer just like the rest of us. Quit being so god damned negative all the time you squirrelly cock! Sincerely, The Headhunter |
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| Got something on your mind? Ask the Headhunter! Note: All emails and questions are subject to Webmaster approval. Exclusion from publication does not imply that the correspondence is not being read and/or considered. Headhunter's Horror House Review reserves the right to edit any and all messages. All correspondence sent in care of this web address become the exclusive properties of Headhunter's Horror House Review. All names have been changed to protect the fact that I made them up. What? You thought this was serious? Copyright Headhunter's Horror House Review 2003. Pat Pending © |
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