| DinoCroc Released: 2004 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Predatory Animal / Super Monster Nuts and Bolts: Geneticists prove once again that just because you’ve got a high school GED, does not mean you should be fucking around with crocodile DNA on your Bill Nye Do-It-Yourself Science kit. Summary: There’s a company out there known as Gereco. But don’t let the name fool you. While you may THINK that they are in the business of creating top of the line multi-vitamins for geriatrics, what they are REALLY doing is genetically creating super-sized lizards! No shit, really. That’s actually they’re game plan. You see, these chuckle heads never thought that maybe instead of experimenting on a species of animal known for tearing your face into little bloody strips of bacon, they should instead begin lower down on the food chain with say…a bunny rabbit or a kiwi. Okay…a kiwi is technically not an animal, but the point is the same. You DO NOT experiment with fucking reptiles! They teach this sort of shit in college don’t they? Anywho, Gereco has created two mutant crocodiles in their lab, appropriately named Specimen A and Specimen B. Now Specimen A decides that it no longer digs that whole plex-glass cage thing, so he breaks out and eats Specimen B. Specimen A (Who from here on shall be known only by his super-hero name Dinocroc) then attacks a hottie lab technician named Judith ripping her throat out and eating her face. Some dipshit janitor comes in to mop the floor and little DC runs past him out the door. Soon after the attack Sheriff Harper (Charles Napier) and his men meet with Gereco’s CEO Paula Kennedy (Joanna Pacula) to discuss the mishap. Now as per custom, the head of an evil scientific entity is likewise…EVIL. Kennedy is quick to absolve Gereco of any undue attention in this matter. She warns the janitor to keep his lip shut about the case. Now Gereco has its own private reserves that it leases from the county. So Kennedy and her crony Dr. Lance Campbell hope to contain the wee critter before it gets too out of hand. Immediately, Dr. Campbell is not too happy with Kennedy’s approach to the situation. The following day, we meet a 12-year-old boy named Michael Banning. Michael is posting a notice concerning his missing 3-legged dog Lucky. Can’t be that freaking lucky if he only has 3 legs. Anyway, Animal Control asskicker Diane Harper (Daughter of Sheriff Harper) comes up and tells the boy she will try to look for his pooch. Back at Gereco, Kennedy and Campbell hire some shmuck named Danders to bait the animal in the preserve. They want to keep its feeding ground centrally located so that it doesn’t go out and begin gnawing on innocent townsfolk. Dr. Campbell suspects that Dinocroc may have reached full maturity since the previous evening. Late at night, while Danders is laying down some food near the swamp, Dinocroc leaps up and bites him off at the kneecaps. His lower legs fall down uselessly upon the dock. The next day, Diane goes to visit the Banning house. She finds artist Tom Banning fucking about with some aluminum can sculpture in his garage. Tom and she used to bump uglies a score of years back and apparently the sex was so good that she had completely forgotten that Tom had a little brother Mike (As evidenced by the fact that Diane had no idea who Mike was the previous day when she met him). Tom still makes her pretty wet though, and she tells him that she wants to search for 3-legged Lucky as an excuse to sneak into his hillbilly love-shack. Tom agrees to eventually help her look for his brother’s dumb dog. Tom and Diane go to the preserve to look for the dog. They get close to the lake where they see Dr. Campbell. Campbell is in a speed boat searching the lake for Dinocroc. He spies Dino’s spiky fin rising up out of the war and the dramatic music starts. Campbell peels the boat around and starts heading for the shore. He has a shotgun and begins shouting at Tom and Diane who are mucking about in the water. Leaping from the boat, he begins waving the gun and attempts to warn them off. But Tom thinks the crazy old loon is trying to attack them and belts him over the head with a stick. They haul him into Diane’s truck and when the Doc comes to, he reveals everything he knows about Dinocroc. An amusing confession to be sure, since his boss Kennedy went to many lengths to cover things up as much as possible. Recognizing the obvious danger presented to the community, Campbell hires a herpetologist named Dick Sydney. And no, a herpetologist does not study Herpes. In fact, he’s an Aussie who hunts crocodiles for a living. Because…you know…he’s Australian and all. That’s what they do. Dick waxes macho and talks about how daingerous it is huntin’ crawkadiles and how der ain’t a man aloive as good a’ killing crawks as ‘e is. While Dick is busy reciting all of the less memorable lines from Crocodile Dundee, two more rednecks get their balls chomped off by Dinocroc out in the swamps. Crikey! That evening, Tom and Diane go back to his place to get shit-faced. They’re sweating each other pretty tough and Tom starts making fun of his brother’s three-legged dog. Little Mike overhears this and realizes that the two are simply too horny to give any serious consideration towards finding his missing mutt. So he hops onto his bike and decides to go look for Lucky himself. This is where it gets fun. Mike goes onto the Gereco preserve and begins calling out Lucky’s name. But the overly dramatic music queues up, and you know what that means. Dinocroc comes a’running. He chases Mike all through the preserve and makes quick work of the kids bicycle. Mike tries to hide inside of some hunting cabin or bait shack. Actually I don’t know what the building is supposed to be. Could be just a glorified out-house for all I know. It doesn’t really matter though because Dinocroc tears through it like a porn star on a virgin. I have it on good authority that Michael Banning proved to be an adequately tasty meal. S’long Mike. Guess you’ll never find your missing dog now, will ya, you poor dead fuck? So the following day, Diane, Tom, Dr. Campbell and Crocodile Dumbdee go out to a public lake to look for our favorite chimera crocodilia. Now this lake is a bit more popular than the ones found at the Gereco preserve. There are beach bunnies soaking in the sun, and kids are out tooling around in their sea-doos and water skis. In fact, there are SO many people out in the water that only one snotty little kid seems to notice that there is a 15-foot fucking dinosaur jumping around in the lake! Dinocroc must be extremely adept at hiding in plain sight. Has this guy been hanging out with the Ninja turtles or something? Campbell and the others take a boat and try to warn everyone out of the water. Nobody listens of course. They don’t really care. Unless you have Roy Scheider running around screaming “Shark”, people just simply can’t be bothered. Dinocroc dives up and out of the water and munches down on a dimwitted water-skier. But still, no one seems really concerned. The melodramatic music crescendos once again and Dinocroc nails a scuba diver, and again, no one really cares. Dr. Campbell falls out of the boat and forgets to wear his swimmies. Dino tears ass after him and pulls Doc into the drink. Again, no one really gives a shit. The whole scene is actually quite humerous now that I think of it. Dick even dives into the water and signals to the scuba guy to come up out of the water. And the guy tells him no! I mean…if some bloke just popped up out of nowhere and told you to beat feet to the surface - wouldn’t you do so? Wouldn’t you at least want to learn WHY this guy is doing this? But scuba guy is adamant. He sticks to his guns and stays in the water. More’s the pity I guess, since he becomes shish kabob not two seconds later. Dick avenges the idiot’s death though. He plunges his bad ass Dundee knife into Dinocroc’s tongue. For all the good it does. Oh yeah, and while all this is going on, Tom accidentally stabs himself in the thumb with a tranquilizer dart, knocking his simple ass out for a few hours. Again, nobody seems to care. That evening when Tom shakes off the effects of the tranquilizer dart he learns from Sheriff Harper that Dinocroc ate his little brother. I’m not sure what pissed Tom off more; learning of his brother’s death, or the fact that they still haven’t found that idiot three-legged dog! Meanwhile, a couple of Sheriff Harper’s deputies get munched by the swamp trudging Dinocroc. Gathering everyone together for a feel-good A-Team moment, the heroes decide to build a large metal tunnel beneath a railroad bridge to encage the monster. Dick and Diane realize that exvertebrate reptiles are susceptible to carbon monoxide. The plan is to trap the thing then pump it’s scaly ass full of poisonous gas (What? A howitzer wasn’t handy?). The ever-humanitarian Sheriff Harper decides to take dogs from the pound and string them along the swamps to use as bait. Naturally, his hippie daughter Diane blows her friggin’ top over this idea. And since Tom is Diane’s little bitch, he too is opposed to the idea. But Harper isn’t in the mood for any mamby-pamby animal rights crap, so he has his daughter and her bitch handcuffed inside a truck. Being more of a man than Tom could ever hope to be, Diane finds a way to escape from the handcuffs and use some welding equipment to undo Tom’s cuffs. While Dinocroc is gnawing on some more Deputies, Harper is tying down disowned mutts to the food trail in the hopes that Dino will catch the scent and fall into their trap. It’s kind of fun watching him rassle the poor pooches to the ground and reminds me of those old cartoons where the evil black-hatted villain ties some moistened bint down to the railroad tracks just as the hero rides in to rescue her. But Tom and Diane are determined to save the little Scooby snacks from a fate worse than death. They race down the trail and free the mutts as Dinocroc catches their scent and decides to get his grub on. Dinocroc is just about to swallow the whole gang of them, when macho-comacho Dick Sydney jumps in between them for some over-the-top masochistic man-sweat heroics. He slices open his own arm, using his blood to lure Dinocroc into the pre-fab tunnel the Sheriff’s boys erected. This dipshit plan actually works. The creature is trapped and two metals are brought down. Harper fills the passage with carbon monoxide. He gasps, he groans, he fall down and go boom. That bitch Dr. Kennedy from Gereco shows up and wants proof that the creature is captured and/or dead. As everyone else begins to pack up and move on, Kennedy calls a press conference. They crack open the tunnel and begin recording footage of the animal. In all the commotion, Dinocroc begins to revive himself. Kennedy has her back to him while speaking to some camera men and journalists. The reporters begin getting this crazy wide-eyed look on their face and Kennedy doesn’t understand why. They drop their equipment and begin screaming and Kennedy doesn’t understand why. They turn around and haul ass out of dodge and Kennedy doesn’t understand why. She’s completely perplexed. So much so in fact, that it never even dawns on her that perhaps they were reacting to the fact that the giant mutant crocodile that was thought to be dead is now standing behind her on both its hind legs with a toothy smile on its face that say’s “Fuck it bitch…you all taste like chicken anyway.” Chomping down, he crunches the pithy little whore in half. So now Dinocroc is fully awake and looking to kick a little ass. Tom tries to keep the critter at bay with a blow-torch. Yeah, yeah I know. Sounds dumb. But hey, you can’t blame a guy for trying. He begins stomping after Tom and Diane who make a mad dash for the railroad tracks. Dinocroc neglects to look both ways and gets smeared by a train. As the poor roadkill lay there dying, Tom rushes over and stabs it in the face with the blow torch screaming, “This one’s for Michael”. Right, like this guy really knows who Michael is. It would be the same as if a cow bum-rushed me in the takeout line at McDonalds bellowing, “This one’s for Bessie! Mooooo you fucker!” I really hate when characters feel the need to invoke their loved ones names when they extol their vengeance. It’s just…stupid. Tom and Diane drive away. I have no idea what happens to the blunder from down under, but I assume he makes it out okay as well. But Dino isn’t down yet. He gets up and walks off into the woods fervently rubbing his hands contemplating the millions he’ll get in merchandising for the upcoming DinoCroc II! Yeah, right. We should be so lucky. Acting / Dialogue: You know you’re in trouble when the biggest name on your straight-to-video marquis is Charles Napier. Chuck almost universally plays a cop or an evil government guy and every time he does, he’s simply rehashing the same tired old lines. Most of you have probably never even heard of this guy. His biggest film spotlight was playing the cop who gets face-swapped by Hannibal Lechter in Silence Of The Lambs. But even though I wouldn’t line my bird cage with his resume, it’s always a trip watching Senor Napier chomping at the bit and hamming it up as usual. The rest of the cast are otherwise non-impressive. There is nothing wrong with their abilities, but there just isn’t enough material to really challenge anyone’s skills. Oh yeah…and Max Perlich gets the special red-carpet treatment by having his name in special emblazoned opening credits that read, “And featuring MAX PERLICH as Deputy Kerrigan!” Now as you are reading this, you are probably thinking the same thing I was when I saw it on the television. Who the FUCK is Max Perlich and why should I give a copper-tin shit about him? Well apparently, ole Maxi pad has had a prolific career by starring in movies that nobody watches. Seriously, has anyone actually watched Freeway II: Confessions Of A Trickbaby? I think I recall seeing his scrunched up little face in a few easily forgotten films, but I certainly can’t fathom why he’s a big enough deal to earn special screen credit. Anyway…Max, in case you’re reading this: don’t take anything I say to heart bro. I think you kicked major ass as Deputy Kerrigan! In fact, I don’t think ANYONE could have brought Kerrigan’s alluring charm and subtle nuance to the screen quite like you did. Gore: The version that I saw was on the Sci-Fi channel, so I’m sure it was edited for content. That being said, the only real gore we see is when the token lab tech guy gets eaten right out his shoes. The shot is whirlwind fast, but there’s a nice misty spray of blood erupting upwards and the only thing left is the bottom half of the guy’s legs. Sweet. Guilty Pleasures: I didn’t know that Animal Control employees were allowed to wear belly shirts to work. But Diane does so without any reservation. She is obviously a whore. The Good: Despite the awful title to this movie, its really not entirely shitty. To be honest, I expected a lot worse. Now the only true strength this movie has is the fact that Dinocroc looks pretty fucking cool. The CGI work shown here would never cut it on the big screen, but for a straight-to-video project, it holds up pretty nice. The scenes with the creature swimming through the lake obviously showcase the computer enhancements, but not too shabby overall. On the rare occasion when we actually get to see Dino in all his rampaging glory, he doesn’t disappoint. Although he’s a croc, he stands upright on two legs and has a big ass spiky fin on his back. If director Kevin O’Neill had taken more of a chance with this project, and shown us a bit more than what we ultimately got, I probably would have given this flick at least a 6 or a 7 rating. At its core, this movie is a gravy train job. Which is to say, the producers are not required to do a whole helluva lot. Everybody and their mother at some point in time tries to pull together one of these over-sized killer reptile movies and fortunately for them, the Sci-Fi channel eats this shit up like pudding. So long as you have a big killer animal and a simple one-word title, you are guaranteed to sell your film to Sci-Fi. They don’t even care how shitty it is. They’ll air anything so long as it involves a genetically harvested slug or a 300-foot ball python. It’s either that or endless reruns of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. I wouldn’t recommend going out and renting this, because truth told you could probably find better things to spend your three bucks on. But if you have a little patience and a penchant for indiscriminate self-torture, just keep one eye on the Sci-Fi, and before long you’ll find Dinocroc airing once again, probably sandwiched between repeat airings of Arachnid and Slugs. The Bad: After viewing this, I came upon a startling realization concerning people from Australia. They all wear big brown hats with belt buckles on them, sleeveless khaki jackets and hunt crocodiles. Seriously, they do. And here I thought it was just an awful stereotype. But it’s true nonetheless. Every single person in Australia does this. They all say “Crikey”, drink Fosters, surf and wrestle around on the ground with reptiles. After all…that’s the way they are portrayed in movies, and movies are always right. My biggest problem with this movie is actually the music. The music they use is this loud boisterous Omen-inspired devil drivel, which would be more appropriate for trying to exorcize a demon from a puke-spewing twelve-year-old than it would be for trying to kill a mutant crocodile. And yet, O’Neill tries in vain to up the intensity by showcasing this overblown score at every opportunity. It is so over-used, that any drama it could have hoped to inspire is fleeting at best, and laughable at worst. In a way, I was actually hoping that his movie would be shittier than it ultimately was. With a name like Dinocroc, I was expecting to be falling over onto the floor with gut-wrenching laughter watching some puppet-frog bounce around the screen attacking wooden actors. But I just didn’t get any of that. The acting was fine overall, the special effects were better than average, and the story, while unoriginal is still somewhat engaging. How can I expect to go on this site, and give a crap film the jolly good ripping it deserves when those that promise to perpetuate shitty cinema fail to honor even this small concession. So yes…here I am, the faithful Headhunter complaining because a movie wasn’t SHITTY enough. Great Lines: “I like Dick.” – Diane Harper speaking to Tom. This one never gets old. “This one’s for Michael!” –Tom giving it high and hard to Dincroc. I bet ole Dino will never look at Tom cross-eyed again after these particularly fear-inducing bone-chilling words. “Woof woof. Holy crap my leg fell off! Woof woof.” –Lucky, the three-legged dog. Overall Rating: 5 out of 10 severed heads. Loses points for not showing any boobies. |
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