| Dracula II: Ascension Released: 2003 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Vampire Nuts And Bolts: A floppy armed gimp acquires the crisped remains of Dracula and embarks upon a mad diabolical scheme to use Drac's peculiar blood cells as a means to cure his ailment. Summary: The story opens in Ostrava in the Czech Republic. Some chippie in a nightshirt is running down the streets as a dark clad hombre methodically stalks after her. At first glance you think that the shadowy figure is the villain, but in fact it is none other than Father Uffizi (Jason Scott Lee), vampire slayer and world famous Bingo champion! He stalks his prey around a corner until its revealed that there are actually two vampires lying in wait. Known only as the Twins of Evil, the vamps try to put the bite on Father Uffizi. But Papa Uff whips this spiked metal rope around their heads and then slices their nuggets off with this wicked-cool knife. Let's skip ahead two months. Dracula, the most famous vampire of all time is dead. His body was hung from a neon cross-shaped sign and left to burn in the sunrise of New Orleans, Louisiana (As revealed in the first film Dracula 2000). His charred up remains are taken to a lab at a college university (Probably Loyola). Here's where we meet the rest of our walking Happy Meals. Professor Lowell (Craig Sheffer) is a medical professor suffering from cerebral palsy. His assistant is a young med student named Elizabeth Blaine. Liz works with a nervous little guy named Luke. They are both friends with fellow students Kenny and Tanya (Easily recognizable by virtue of their archetypes; Kenny's the black dude, and Tanya's the slut). There…now that we've introduced everybody let's get this party started. Elizabeth and Luke are working in the morgue when they are brought the body of Dracula. However, they don't yet realize that the corpse was once a vampire. Liz cuts him open and remarks about how clean and white his organs are. There is no blood. Immediately Luke begins to get suspicious. He tells her to check for fangs. At first she finds nothing, but then a retractable fang pops out scratching Liz across the thumb. She quickly wipes the blood away and gets back to work. Shortly thereafter, Luke receives a phone call from a mysterious voice offering him 30 million dollars if he agreed to steal the corpse for him. Luke forgets the fact that he just saw a vampire fang pop out of this dead guy's jaw and sees only dollar signs in front of his eyes. Naturally, he agrees to switch the body out for another burn victim and sell the vampire to the mysterious voice. He convinces Liz to go along with this scheme and Liz calls Professor Lowell and informs him of what they are doing. Lowell gives them a safe address that they can bring the body to. Meanwhile, Father Uffizi has arrived in the States and has tracked Dracula's body to the morgue. He is too late however, for when he arrives, Luke and Liz have already made off with the corpse. Lowell has the kids bring the body to his mother's old abandoned mansion. They dump the body into a bathtub and then proceed to fill the tub with buckets of blood. Yes, that's right. These dump fucking mongoloids are actually dumping blood onto the most powerful vampire to ever walk the Earth. What's that old line about pouring gasoline on a fire? Well, the thing just floats around in the goo for about two hours before he begins to twitch. As everyone draws closer, Dracula begins thrashing about. He leaps from the tub and grabs a hold of Tanya. He bites down on her and then chucks the useless whore out the 2nd story window. He's about ready to slaughter the rest of the gang when in comes Eric. Eric is a slick tough-talking British cat armed with a sun gun and a cool cockney accent. Eric blasts Dracula with a healthy dose of ultra-violet radiation and the vampire slumps over. The gang is now forced to bury their poor dead bimbo. It is discovered that Eric is the one who brokered the deal with Luke to steal Drac's body. Lowell, Eric and the surviving Scoobies take Dracula's body to the Devin Parish Pool, which (like everything else in New Orleans apparently) is abandoned. The Olympic sized swimming pool is empty and they tie Dracula down to a large vertical table with iron chains coated in silver. They also have large UV lamps hanging overhead which help to keep Dracula in a permanently weakened condition. Professor Lowell begins taking samples of Dracula's blood. The reason he decided to help the kids revive the vampire is because he feels that a special vampire enzyme might contain the secret that will cure his cerebral palsy. Not only will he be cured, but also he'll be the first in line to patent the shit and send it off to the FDA for approval. After all, if the scumbags at the FDA are ready to stamp their seal of approval on 37 different kinds of penis enlargers, I'm sure they'll find time to endorse some top of the line vampire hemoglobin. Meanwhile, Father Uffizi is still two steps behind everyone else. He arrives at Lowell's mother's house and finds that the brainless airhead Tanya has risen from her grave as a vampire. Tanya thrashes around and attacks two police officers. But Father Uffizi steps in and chucks the bitch out the window again. This time however, the sun is up…so she gets that ultra-cool summer tan without having to worry about bikini lines. Lowell begins fucking around with vampire DNA some more. He takes some skin samples from Dracula's previously charred remains and mixes them with some blood samples taken from Kenny. He then sends Elizabeth downstairs to collect 25CCs of Dracula's current blood supply. Now Luke thinks this whole affair is entirely nuts. Furthermore, he becomes increasingly aware that no one is seriously going to pay him 30 million bucks for bringing the vampire's corpse to this place. Luke leaves for a bit and comes back with ample supplies of holy water, birdseed and rope. The rope is tied together into a big net and he drapes it across Dracula's chest. He then lays the birdseed down in a concentric circle around Dracula's body. According to something that he had read, a vampire cannot take action if there is knotted rope in the area. He must untie the knots first before he can chase his victims. Likewise, vampires are also compulsive counters. If birdseed or corn seed is thrown onto the ground, the vampire cannot proceed until he counts each and every single seed (An no, this wasn't some crazy shit made up for the film either). Upstairs, Kenny begins to get really uptight with Lowell. The two argue back and forth and Kenny finally grabs Lowell's serum and injects it into his own arm. As suspected, Kenny turns into a vampire and threatens Lowell. He breaks his one good hand and then disappears into the night. Eric decides to take off after Kenny. Lowell wheels his ass onto the landing overlooking the pool area. Dracula hypnotizes Lowell into running his chair off the ledge onto the floor below. Lowell is seriously fucked up now, but Liz and Luke rush in preventing Drac from hypnotizing him any further. In the nighttime streets of New Orleans, Kenny is looking to have some fun. He spies on some chick sleeping in her apartment and wakes her up. Baiting her to open the window, he pulls her outside and sucks her blood. Fresh from the kill, he takes to the streets once again where he eventually runs into that super-cool British bad-boy Eric. Unfortunately, we now learn that Eric is a total fucking PUSSY! He begins crying like a little girl and runs away back to Professor Lowell's crib. But don't believe for a second that this means Kenny gets away scot-free. Arriving on the scene is the pontiff of pain, that vicar of violence, the freaky friar himself Father Uffizi! Uffizi obviously plays a lot of Mortal Kombat, because he launches that badass barbed whip thingie into Kenny just like Scorpion. I was desperately hoping to hear a loud booming voice shout, "GET OVER HERE!" Uffizi pulls back on the thing and Kenny's head comes twisting off. Unable to contain my rage, I found myself thrusting my fist outward in indignation screaming, "Oh my God! They killed Kenny! You bastards!" Uffizi then catches up with the chick that Kenny had turned into a vampire. He finds her not three seconds after she gets done sucking the juices from her own pussy. I mean…her kitty. You know…a goddamned cat! Get your head out of the gutter you perverts! Back at the Devin Parish Pool, Liz begins transfusing her own blood into Dracula so that they can then replenish enough of Dracula's hemoglobin in order to save Lowell (whose crumpled up on the floor dying). The blood is injected into the professor and Lowell is healed of all of his injuries, including the palsy. Now that Lowell is super-charged, he reveals that he was actually the one who secretly bargained with them to steal Dracula's body from the morgue. Eric is just a broke crony of his and there never was 30 million smackers floating around. Duh! I figured that one out within the first fifteen minutes, but apparently it came as a big surprise to Liz and Luke. Lowell drones on about the time that he discovered his first vampire when he was a mortician some fifteen years ago. He met a holy man named Cardinal Siqueros (Roy Scheider) who claimed the body from him. Ever since then he has been looking for another vamp in order to learn their medical secrets. But three years ago, he contracted cerebral palsy and had to start using hot little interns to do his dirty work for him. This is how he came to seducer Liz. Now not only is Liz the jilted lover of this movie, but she's finally feeling the effects of that little snaggletooth wound she suffered in the beginning of the flick. Liz knows that she is slowly transforming into a vampire, but she is equally hopeful that perhaps the secret to a cure may lie with Lowell's test results. Eric begins smirking at Liz and Luke and dangling a vial of blood in front of their eyes. Liz smacks the shit out of his hand and rolls over near Dracula's chained up body. Eric runs over to retrieve the vial, but by this point Dracula has recovered enough strength to break one of the chains holding his arms back. He grabs Eric with one hand and bites his whole goddamned face off! In the confusion, Lowell reveals his new vampire fangs and prepares to snack on Luke and Liz. Luke squishes a bottle of holy water in his face and Lowell is forced to flee the room. Father Uffizi FINALLY shows up and begins fighting the vampire Lowell. Lowell doesn't put up too much of a fight however, and Uffizi easily chops his head off. Dracula meanwhile frees himself entirely from the metal chains and takes off. Uffizi finds Luke and Liz and warns Liz that the only way she can be saved is if she reaches the sunlight before she completely transforms into a vampire. The sun will burn the "evil" parts out of her body. Faceless Eric tries to attack Uffizi, but Luke STABS Eric in the face with a bottle of holy water. What a kick-ass painful fucking way to die! Eric may have been the lamest character in the whole movie, but he gave me one of the greater thrills that I am likely to find in a horror flick. Good show Eric! So Uffizi chases Dracula down to another section of the building. The two square off and Uffizi begins using his whip to smash out the window. Dracula gets a couple painful lances of sunlight and is herded into a contained area. Uffizi cracks that bad boy one more time and the spiky whip flails itself around Dracula's neck. As Drac is screaming and cussing, Uffizi begins administering the last rites. Dracula reveals that he is actually Judas Iscariot, the betrayer of Christ. Uffizi is prone and ready to deliver the final kill shot when from out of nowhere a crossbow bolt flies out and nails the padre right in the chest. As the camera turns, we find that Liz never made it into the sunlight and is now a full vampire! Uffizi falls over and Dracula and Elizabeth leave the scene arm in arm. I'm not sure where they go exactly since we've established that its currently daylight out. I guess Liz has a secret plan for smuggling Dracula out of the building. To be continued… Acting/Dialogue: The acting over all is pretty decent. Jason Scott Lee plays the part of our ass-kicking priest. There's not a lot of character depth here, but Lee gets some pretty decent lines and he can look kinda intimidating I suppose as he stalks the streets of New Orleans looking for some vamps to vanquish. He's got this whole Hugh Jackman / Van Helsing thing going on. Now Jason Scott Lee will never be considered an A-list actor, but for some inexplicable reason, he manages to raise the bar of every movie he's in. Stephen Billington dons the fangs this time around, picking up the baton passed to him from Gerard Butler from the first Drac flick. Now Billington is not what I would consider to be the ideal Dracula, but he is certainly a step up from Butler. The biggest problem with this version of Drac is that he's got this yellow nancy-boy N'Sync haircut that really irritates the shit out me. Every moment that he's on the screen I half expected him to jump down from the slab and start singing "Bye, Bye, Bye" in a Transylvanian accent. But the slick creepy makeup helps to bulk him up a bit and not make him come off like a total pussy. If nothing else, he at least succeeds in looking like a fucked up, shit-kicking Lord of the Undead. And that's all that one can really ask for. Craig Sheffer plays the part of our backstabbing prick, Professor Lowell. Sheffer pretty much nails the backstabbing prick roll, as he pretty much plays one in every movie he's in. It's a one-trick-pony gig, but at least director Patrick Lussier cast a guy who is good at this thing. Sheffer's character is really little more than a wheelchair bound version of his character from Hellraiser: Inferno. I also really liked the guy who played Luke. He was a serious character but he brought about a nice touch of humor and humanity to his roll. I'm really glad he survived and I look forward to seeing him teaming up with Father Uffizi in Dracula III: Legacy. Gore: As mentioned earlier, the vamp effects are pretty nice. Dracula's pancake makeup works wonders and really brings out his eyes. Avon should start marketing this shit. Prior to this though, we get to check out Drac as a burned up crispy critter. There's also some nice decapitations offered to us by way of Father Uffizi's super-cool weaponry. Severed heads are my fucking bread and butter man. You can always judge the quality of a good horror flick by how many disembodied melons you have floating around. The gore, while not gratuitous is plentiful and very slick. Guilty Pleasures: There's a brief shot of a dead vampire titty lying on a slab at the morgue during the Lowell flashback scene. Well, actually it's the entire vampire laying there, not just her titty. Not enough to give anyone a boner and barely even worth mentioning. The Good: I was totally prepared for this flick to suck chicken nuts. So imagine my surprise when I found myself glued to the TV set waiting for Dracula to lay the smackdown on a bunch of unsuspecting college twits. This is a pretty kick-ass vampire flick. The plot is nothing mind-blowing, but at least it offers us something we don't see all that often: a defeated Count Dracula. Usually Dracula is the master manipulator in these films; always working from the shadows slowly seducing some addle brained git into licking his rim. But with Dracula II, we find that not only is he on the business end of some UV rays, but he's not even the primary villain. In effect, Dracula becomes both the protagonist and antagonist, his alignment perpetually hanging in the balance. We don't want to see him come off as a stalwart hero, but we also can't wait to see him rip into that scumbag, Lowell. This is a great hook for nabbing viewers because it allows us the ability to actually root for the bad guy without feeling dirty about it afterwards. In this movie, we really don't get to see the highlife of New Orleans. But we do get to check out a really badass mega-creepy abandoned mansion. I'm all about decrepit old buildings in my horror movies. Lowell's mom has the killer haunted house thing going. The set switches up later on and the empty pool spa reminds me a bit of Blade's HQ from Blade II (Or maybe it was just the big UV lights). My favorite part of this movie is how Lussier incorporates some of the more obscure vampire folklore into his mythos. I remember reading years ago about how vampires are forced to stop and count corn seeds before they can begin attacking you. I don't know how this crazy horseshit rumor got started, but if it made those medieval peasant fucks sleep better at night, then who am I to argue with superstition? Dracula better be sure to never visit Gatlin, Nebraska or else the children of the corn will put a serious hurting on his kernel-counting ass. This is a scene that could have easily been turned into a big sour joke, but the end result is actually quite sensational and not cheesy in any way whatsoever. The final throw-down between Uffizi and Dracula is equally kick-ass. Drac's got the mad skills and Uffizi is zipping around like an insane Jackie Chan. But unlike every other American made movie - this one does not come wrapped together with a big happy red bow. In every other vampire movie, there is always some chick who slowly becomes a vampire only to fight it off at the very end and defeat the bad guy (See Dracula 2000 Dracula '92 and Dracula '02 for good examples of this). Not this time. In Drac Part Deux, the heroic female turns villain! Poimanently! On top of that, she practically kills our hero! Who fucking saw that coming? At the time that I was watching this, I had no idea that a Drac 3.0 was in the works. So when I saw Uffizi get speared through the heart I found myself shouting, "Oh shit!" I haven't been this pleasantly surprised with a horror movie since the day I came all over myself watching Dog Soldiers. While I definitely recommend checking this flick out…you might want to wait until August '04 when Dracula III: Legacy is released (Currently its only June). That way…you can enjoy the full whirlwind ass-kicking soiree all at once. The Bad: The biggest problem with Dracula II is the fact that Drac spends 90% of the movie chained up to a big metal slab. It's a total cock-tease when you get down to it. Although the film never gets boring, you do find yourself getting impatient waiting for the critical moment when Dracula is going to burst free from his chains and start biting everyone in sight. Once he does escape however, all Hell breaks loose. But I think the movie would've scored more points with me if he had busted loose some twenty minutes earlier. There's a small part of the movie that I neglected to mention in the summary. At some point midway through the film, Dracula starts having flashbacks of when he used to swap fluids with some Transylvanian bitch whom astonishingly enough, looks just like Elizabeth. If I never see this played-out lame-ass bullshit again, it'll be too soon. Why does EVERY single vampire in creation end up meeting some chick who looks exactly like their ex? EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM! This is the kind of dumb-ass plot element that will work once, and only once. And yet, the dreaded reincarnated girlfriend angle comes up every fucking time. I really winced when I saw the induced flashback scene coming on. Fortunately I was able to use that time constructively to go take a piss. Perhaps it was during my piss break when they explained what the fuck is up with Father Uffizi. They don't delve into it, but the audience is definitely left with the impression that there is more to this sadomasochistic priest then meets the eye. It appears that he may be half-vampire ala Blade. Or perhaps he's some kind of super-powered ass-whooper like Buffy or Hugh Jackman's Van Helsing. I'm really not sure what the deal is with this guy. I love the mystery surrounding him, but I wish that Lussier could have given us just a little bit more detail concerning the good father's background (It is established however that Uffizi studied under Cardinal Siqueros). The only other disappointment I had with the film was that the Uffizi-Lowell fight was too short. We know that he kills him, but we really don't get to see much. I suppose they didn't want a hurricane fistfight to upstage the upcoming throw-down between Drac and Uffizi, but a little extra attention to the Lowell fight would have been nice. After all…he was the main villain. The villain should always have the most spectacular death sequence. Great Lines: "Death is the inevitable consequence of life." -Lowell "Well that was a jilted bitch thing to do!" -Lowell "Do you want my soul Father? Is that what you want?" "No, God gets your soul. I just want your head." --The final exchange between Kenny and Father Uffizi. I like this line because it reminds of one of the exchanges between Uma Thurman and Lucy Liu in Kill Bill Part I. Overall Rating: 7 out of 10 severed heads. |
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