| Dracula Released: 2002 MPAA Rating: None Genre: Vampire Nuts And Bolts: Vladislav Tepes wants to relocate to the premier party hot-spot known as Budapest. He says that he is buying a house for his "uncle", the Count. Yeah, right. What he really wants to do though is to sink his nifty-cool vampire fangs into some hot little Hungarian women. Summary: The DVD release for this Italian mini-series is entitled Dracula's Curse. The original title is Il Bacio di Dracula (The Kiss of Dracula). This movie is a modern re-telling of the classic Bram Stoker tale. Jonathan Harker is a rich punk-ass little yuppie kid who parties it up at a swank ballroom in Budapest. He's in love with a chick named Mina, despite the fact that she's a snarling pit bull when compared to her friend, the super-hottie Lucy Western. There is also their aloof goofy friend Quincy as well as Lucy's boy-toy, the metrosexual Arthur Holmwood. Jonathan wants to get married to Mina. Mina is down with the idea, but she seems a bit bothered at the notion of getting married amidst a throng of filthy Hungarians. Before long, Jonathan meets a dark-haired, well-dressed dude named Vladislav Tepes (Patrick Bergen). Vlad represents his uncle the first Vladislav Tepes, and old Romanian Count. He tells Jonathan that Vladislav is interested in relocating to Budapest and wants to buy the old Carfax House next to the sanitarium. Now Jonathan isn't a real estate agent and he can't figure out why this guy would come up out of the blue and ask him to liquidate his assets for him. Vlad reveals that his uncle is quite eccentric and would rather not deal with the bureaucracy of the real estate world. Whatever. He agrees to award Jonathan a 10% tax-free commission on the value of Carfax if he were to help his uncle make the proper arrangements. Since Jonathan wants to be able to offer his fiancée Mina more than just a small pecker, he agrees. That night, Jonathan tells Arthur and Quincy about the strange offer and agrees to go to Romania to meet Uncle Vlad. Lucy meanwhile, is upstairs suffering from a sleepwalking episode. She takes a header down the steps and Mina has to rush to help her out. The following evening, the group goes to dinner where they meet Vladislav. Vlad charms the knickers off poor little Lucy with tales of the supernatural and schmaltzy pretentious vague commentary. Mina doesn't care for the distinguished Romanian too much, but I think its because she knows that Vlad secretly wants to fuck Jonathan. So that evening, Jonathan hops into his sports car and takes off for Romania. He blazes through the hills and canyons and nearly gets into an accident on several occasions. Probably because he spends more time jawing on the damn cell phone rather than paying attention to the road. He finally gets to the Romanian border where he argues with a couple of rude border patrol guards. These two remind me of the two inept soldiers from Stripes who were constantly fixing their broken wooden border-gate. On top of that, Jonathan swerves off the road and runs afoul of some angry gypsies. He tries to get them to help him, but instead they brain with a shovel. Nasty little fuckers. Jonathan eventually revives and slowly makes his way towards the castle. He meets up with crazy old uncle Vlad (Patrick Bergen again) who looks just like his nephew except he's got long gray hair and a beard. Vlad shows Jonathan around his castle and the two talk shop. He invites him to stay the evening since Jonathan is too much of a little pussy to go back out and brave the evil Gypsy camps at nighttime. Jonathan tries to go to sleep and that's when three golden skinned vampire chicks come floating into his room. They rub up on Jonathan a bit, but their evening fun is spoiled with Vlad enters the room behind them. See, he actually wants Jonathan for himself - sexually. No, I'm serious. He starts hitting on him and telling him about how much he wants Jonathan to love him. Later in the morning, Jonathan tries to find Vlad to let him know that he doesn't feel like turning gay right now. He goes down into the cellar where he finds Vlad sleeping in a coffin. Vlad opens his eyes and Jonathan squeals like Richard Simmons at a George Michaels concert. He jumps out the window, hops into his sports car and takes off. Jonathan really needs to have his driving privileges revoked because he cracks up his car for the second time in as many days. Uncle Vlad is happy that all of the proper arrangements have been made and he spends the rest of the day packing his Bermuda shorts and suntan lotion. He charters a passage on a boat to bring him to Budapest. Which is kind of odd, since Romania borders Hungary and there are no oceans between them. I'm not even sure if there is a notable river that connects the two countries. But if anyone could figure out a way to get to Budapest from Romania by way of a boat, I'm sure Dracula could. The Captain of the boat begins poking around through Vlad's coffin and discovers that it is full of soil. The vampire rises up out of the dirt, transforms into a wolf and kills everybody on the boat. Dracula you DOG you! Meanwhile, Mina has been going nuts because Jonathan doesn't return her calls. It never occurs to her that ATT roaming charges between Budapest and Romania are probably outrageously expensive. But she drags Lucy outside with her and the two begin scouring around looking for Jonathan. Jonathan eventually makes his way back to Budapest but speaks nothing of his experiences at Vlad's castle. After all, why would he want to tell Mina that he is starting to sprout a wood for the crusty old boyar? So now the younger Vlad begins developing an interest in Lucy. Oh Christ…this is getting to be a pain. Okay, if you haven't figured it out yet, the young Vlad and the old Vlad are the exact same fucking person - Dracula! Young Drac begins creeping around Lucy's bedroom late at night and hypnotizes her into following him to the gates of Carfax House. He makes her stand in front of a full-length mirror feeling herself up while Dracula jerks off. This part I found a little confusing, since I had previously believed that Dracula was in love with Jonathan. Maybe he's bi. But then again, Lucy is so damn hot, that she could have any man, gay or straight, eating sushi out of her ass. Jonathan meanwhile gets married to Mina. He still hasn't told her about his experiences with Dracula or the vampire whores that visited his guest room late at night. Lucy has little memory of her mystical seduction but she knows that she is constantly filled with terror. She begs Arthur Holmwood to marry her, and he easily agrees. That evening while Lucy is sleeping, Dracula turns into a mist and sneaks into her panties. He bites her on the throat and Lucy falls sick. The next day she is taken to the hospital. Around this time, the group starts learning of a weird old coot with bad hair named Enrico Valenzi. Enrico is basically the Italian version of Professor Van Helsing. Van Helsing hangs out with Jack Seward at his sanitarium where they study a whack-a-loon known as Renfield. None of this is really that important, but I guess they had to find someway to get the rest of the provincial Dracula cast into the film. Valenzi figures out what is happening with Lucy and begins boring the shit out of everyone with ambiguous statements regarding "things man was not meant to understand." These fucking guys get off on being cryptic. You never see one of them saying, "Yo dog! Lucy was bit by a motherfucking vampire, a'ight!" Anyway, Lucy recovers slightly and everyone goes out to the opera. Lucy's got one of those slutty little black lacy see through numbers on. I love that shit. At the opera, they meet up with the younger looking Vladislav. Vlad tells Jonathan that his "uncle" has moved into Carfax House. Lucy is all a'flutter in his presence and Vlad starts making the moves on her. That night, Vlad visits Lucy's bedroom. He bites for a third time and Lucy dies. Lucy rises as a vampire and begins haunting the streets of Budapest. She finds some little kid mucking about and takes off with him. She slices the booger's throat open and drinks his blood. The following morning, Valenzi reads about the kid's death in the newspaper. He calls Jack Seward and warns him that a vampire is on the loose. What Seward has to do with all of this I have no idea. I guess he's the only one in all of Budapest that won't fall over laughing whenever Valenzi starts going on about vampires. He goes to the morgue and discovers that Lucy's body is missing. Jonathan meanwhile decides to confess to Arthur and Quincy everything that happened to him in Romania. Mina thinks her husband is kind of fruity, but bites her lip and does the whole "stand by your man" thing. Jonathan, Quincy and Arthur go out to Carfax House and find Lucy floating around outside. She tries to seduce them, but Arthur plunges a stake into her ruining a perfectly good set of knockers. They break into the house and search the basement. Vladislav the elder appears and it becomes pretty obvious to all that he and the younger Vlad is the same guy. Vlad grabs Quincy by the throat and smashes him against a wall killing him. He then escapes from the house. That evening, Dracula turns into mist and seeps into Mina's room. He puts the bite on Mina, but Jonathan and Arthur arrive and drive him away with some holy water. They know that Dracula is going to try and hypnotically summon Mina, so they lie in wait for Drac to make his next move. Dracula calls out to Mina and she arises from her bed and walks out to greet him. Arthur and Jonathan follow closely behind and track them back to the gates of Carfax House. Dracula envelops Mina in his arms intending on turning her into a vampire. But Mina fights back and shoves a big wooden dildo into Dracula's heart. Dracula falls over dead and dissolves into a big gooey mess. A few days later, the funeral services are held for Quincy. Jonathan performs the eulogy and is tasteful enough to neglect mentioning that Quincy died quite stupidly and that his death should be a source of pain and embarrassment upon his family for generations to come. After the funeral Jonathan and Mina decide to get married a second time. Except this time they're not going to invite all those grimy little Gypsy people. Acting / Dialogue: Patrick Bergen dances back and forth between playing the young Vladislav and the old Vladislav. As Vlad the younger, he really doesn't act any differently then he would in any other film. His accent is so slight as to be practically unnoticeable. His gray-haired Vlad is a bit more interesting though. He proffers a Romanian accent with subtle grace, but he falters from time to time slipping into Count Chocula mode. Bergen is a fine enough actor, but there is nothing intrinsically charismatic about either him or the characters that he plays. Honestly, I liked him better when he was slapping the shit out of Julia Roberts in Sleeping With The Enemy. What a great fucking job! Someone actually pays you MONEY to beat the hell out of Julia Roberts. There are many of us poor slobs out there that would eagerly do the job for free. The rest of the cast fucking blows and the dialogue is pretty lame. Giancarlo Giannini plays the part of the Van Helsing character Valenzi. Now Van Helsing is meant to be an articulate and cultured individual. But this guy looks like he just rolled out of bed after a 3-day whisky binge. The only person in this movie I can get behind is Muriel Baumeister, the Austrian hottie that plays Lucy. Actually, I could give two shits about her acting skills. I just like watching her. She's probably my favorite version of Lucy that has ever been illustrated in a Dracula flick. Gore: I could have sworn that there was a rumor going around saying that Italian horror directors made the goriest flicks? You wouldn't know it by watching this movie though. The only gore is at the end when we see Dracula dissolving into a pool of Jell-O. Lucio Fulci is probably resurrecting himself as a zombie just so he can throttle director Roger Young for making such a blood-free Italian horror movie. So lets give a big fat raspberry to the FX guy for deciding to take the day off when he should have been working on some cool latex severed heads for this otherwise child-friendly movie. Questo uomo succhia! Guilty Pleasures: If this movie were rated R, Muriel Baumeister would have most DEFINITELY taken her top off. But since this was just a television mini-series, she pretty much keeps her clothes on. Still, she does show off the cleavage quite a bit and has a penchant for fondling her own breasts. She also likes to prance around in wet see-through nightgowns. If nothing else, my left hand enjoyed the movie. The Good: It's always interesting to see how another director interprets the Dracula story. Invariably, every one of them will switch the details around. Sometimes they'll have Jonathan and Arthur trade off dancing partners; sometimes they'll get creative with Dracula's vampire powers. Or sometimes they'll shift the focus of the film to say Renfield or Van Helsing. With this mini-series, Roger Young stays fairly close to the accepted Bram Stoker story. Which is to say, he's got the recipe down pat, even if he does substitute a few of the ingredients. The main difference between Young's Dracula and other versions is that like Bram Stoker's it takes place in the present day (Stoker's story was written in 1897, so for him it WAS the present day). Instead of seeing Jonathan pulled along by a creepy horse-drawn carriage, he instead zips around town in a fiat. Rather than showing Dracula stalking around the streets of Victorian England, he is instead hobnobbing in the more trendy tourist areas of modern day Budapest. Harker doesn't keep a journal by which to convey his emotions to Mina; he carries a cell phone. And I do believe that this is the first time we have ever had a Lucy Westerna that sports a tattoo on her left shoulder. All of these details make the story unique without completely derailing the entire mythos, but I do feel that the air of eeriness that so often characterizes the Dracula mystique is sharply lessened due to Young's efforts. I do however dig the fact that nobody ever refers to Vlad as Dracula. Dracula's name is not spoken once throughout the entire film. The Dracula name has just become too much of a familiar icon of pop culture. To use it in a movie set in modern times would make the whole story seem kind of silly. By harkening back to a bastardization of Dracula's true name, we are allowed the ability to approach this movie with a bit more of a serious attitude. The Bad: I can't abide a gay Dracula. I have no problem with a film playing around with the idea of a homo vampire, but save that shit for the Anne Rice flicks. You can't have a Dracula who plays for the pink team. Now while the homoerotic references in Dracula '02 aren't heavy-handed, they are stark enough to make you jump back in your seat and say, "Huh? Why the fuck is Dracula sweating Jonathan?" Dracula is the pimp Mac daddy of all vampires! He's all about humping on the ladies. Dracula movies offer a lot of creative leeway, and there is always room for experimentation, but there are still certain rules of the Dracula mythos that must be obeyed come hell or high water. The chief among them is: Dracula is NOT gay! It surprises me to see even a hint of homoeroticism considering that it was an Italian production crew that made the film. Italian males pride themselves on their machismo. Italians aren't soft and weepy. They're hairy and macho and ready to tear someone's head off at a moment's notice. When I heard that it was an Italian flick, I half expected to see a blood sucking Tony Soprano. How cool would that be? "Don' yoo look at me like that Paulie. I'll suck your fulcking blood. I'll suck your mother fulcking blood you guinea cocksucker! Don' yoo fulcking look at me." Now THAT would be one hell of a vampire flick! But instead we end up with Patrick Bergen playing a vampire who is ¼ poof. He tries to make up for it by going after Lucy. But even that can't erase the memory of those uncomfortable scenes where he is hovering over Jonathan's face beckoning him to love him. I suppose he may have wanted Johnny to love him in that platonic straight-man sort of a way, but I ain't buying it. I also can't divine the purpose behind Jack Seward, Valenzi and Renfield. First off…what was the point in changing Van Helsing's name? They kept everybody else's name but changed Van Helsing's. Why? And realistically, what purpose did he serve? He didn't impart any critical information unto the group that they couldn't have gotten just as easily from Jonathan. Seward and Renfield serve absolutely no function in this movie. They are simply useless characters selected to pad the film's cast list. They don't even go into details about how Renfield is crazy because of past experiences with Dracula. As far as this film is concerned, Renfield never even heard of Dracula. And Seward's presence is only there because…well…SOMEBODY needs to keep an eye on the beetle-eating little maniac. Seward would probably be acceptable if his sole function were not playing the part of a caretaker to a character who serves no purpose. By extension of that, Seward serves no purpose. And by extension of THAT, Valenzi serves no purpose. The entire film could have been constructed exactly as it was without these three morts. In total, this is a movie that really didn't need to be made. While I think the modern setting is slightly interesting, it doesn't really work overall. The actors are pretty mundane and the dialogue is something out of a first-year creative writing student's home journal. The set pieces are unremarkable as well. Hell, we don't even get to SEE Carfax House. All we see are some marble steps leading up to the front of the place. Dracula never even gives us a tour of his swanky new home. He prefers sitting out on the stoop with a 40 and a blunt. While I won't consider this movie to be wretched, it's simply not interesting enough for me. For a more atmospheric telling of the Stoker story, go check out Francis Ford Coppola's 1992 film version of Bram Stoker's Dracula. One last thing: I have a small nitpick with Dracula's name. Although I'm glad that they never actually called him Dracula, it irks me slightly that they couldn't get his real name right. The dude's name is Vlad Tepes, NOT Vladislav. Great Lines: "You must love me! You must vant me! You must love me!" -Dracula putting the moves on Jonathan. Note the peculiar Transylvanian accent. "He seduced me!" -Jonathan Harker getting in touch with his softer more feminine side. Overall Rating: 4 out of 10 severed heads. |
 |
|
|
|
 |