| Embrace of the Vampire Released: 1996 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Vampire Nuts and Bolts: Some old ass British git becomes a vampire and waits several hundred years to find the love of his life's soul trapped in the body of (Of all people) Alyssa Milano! Yeah right, imagine that. Try another line loser, that one's been done to death. Summary: We begin back in England's more medieval days when everything was all unicorns and faeries and Frodo fucking Baggins. We meet this skinny little dork who slightly resembles Nicholas Cage. He's not Nicholas Cage but since the butt-monkeys who produced this garbage didn't see fit to give their title character an actual fucking name, I'm just going to refer to him as Nicholas Cage. Anyway, Nicky is chilling out by the lake waiting for his one true love to come riding up on a horse all Cinderella style, when suddenly three porn stars jump out of the woodwork and put a nasty ole vampire bite on him. Interestingly enough, historical scholars will be anxious to discover that women back in medieval England had big 80's style Jersey Girl hair and tribal tattoos across their arms. Anyway, these vamps turn our boy Nicholas into a vampire. We flash forward to the modern day where we find Charlotte Wells (Alyssa Milano) is a freshman at some posh city college. Apparently she was raised in a fucking convent and holds this ridiculously outdated sense of chastity. Anyway, Charlotte has been dating this guy named Chris for the past year and a half. Now in that year and a half, Charlotte has not ONCE given Chris a taste of the sweet lovin'. But Chris is a fairly stand up guy, so he decides to wait. But now the girl is just three days shy of her eighteenth birthday and Chris is dusting the ole pecker off in the hopes of finally putting it to use. Charlotte meanwhile has this fucked up dream wherein she meets Nicholas Cage. Yeah, yeah I know. It all sounds ludicrous doesn't it? After all, NOBODY fantasizes about Nicholas fucking Cage do they? She begins sleepwalking and passes out on the steps in front of her dorm. Chris finds her and brings her back upstairs. You know Chris is a good guy by this point, because he doesn't try to cop a feel even once. Anyway, she later wakes up but has very little memory of the dream. Some time later we come to meet Charlotte's friends. There is Nicole who is her bestest bud, and there is also Eliza who is the campus slut. Now working behind the scenes is Nicholas. He is still active in the 20th century and has just realized that the soul of his beloved now resides in Charlotte. He has three days to seduce her or else he's going to die of boredom. That evening Charlotte goes to sleep and has another dream. This time Nicholas Cage comes to visit her and he plays with Alyssa's boobies. He leaves behind his own personal Ankh. I guess this thing is supposed to be some ornate charm or something but in truth it looks any number of a dozen three-dollar trinkets you are likely to find at any Hot Topic location. Anywho…when she wakes up the following morning, she finds the Ankh lying on the floor. She has no memory of the dream. Nicole takes Charlotte to this frat party and tries to get her mind off the weird vampire sex dreams that she's been having. She finds Nicholas' ankh on the floor and wears it to the party. Now at the party, she hobnobs with a couple of the local bozos before going up on the roof to get some fresh air. While up there she imagines she sees Mister Cage. Cage drones on about some poetic gibberish and Alyssa is completely "charmed" by him. He slobbers on her for a bit and then quickly disappears. Charlotte goes back downstairs where a couple of drunken turds try to have a go at her and Nicole. But Nicholas Cage shows up again and proves to these little fucks that they can't mess with his precious Alyssa Milano. After showing them "who's the boss", the vampire does his famous disappearing trick. So the following day, Charlotte meets this chick named Sarah. Sarah is a photography major and she invites her to her place to snap some pics of her. The next ten minutes unravels like an episode of Playboy video magazine. Sarah begins undressing the chaste Charlotte and starts sucking on her titties. She's even got Charlotte smoking clove cigarettes. Although for the life of me I can't see how anybody could enjoy those nasty ass things. They taste like fucking roasted ass. Just give me a frickin' Marlboro and send me on my way. But that's neither here nor there. Just as Sarah is getting ready to do some primo muff diving, Charlotte gets cold feet and leaves in a hurry. She speaks briefly with Chris, and tells him that she has to break their study date for the evening. The next day, Charlotte is in literature class when she begins seeing images of Nicholas Cage. Nicky keeps asking Charlotte whether or not she would die for her true love. Charlotte screams aloud and embarrasses herself in front of the entire class. Later on she goes home and fantasizes that she's in an orgy with Cage, Chris and Sarah. They all take turns rubbing up and down on her and playing with her fun bags. Now while all this is going on, Chris goes out to a pool hall with his buddy. He meets a vivacious brunette named Marika (Jennifer Tilly) who wants nothing more than to play slap-nut with him. Now Marika is obviously one of Nicholas' Cage's little brood and her purpose is to keep Chris distracted so that Nick can go after Charlotte. Later that evening, Charlotte goes back to another one of those lame-ass frat boy parties. But now she's smoking more cigarettes, wearing a more seductive dress as well as matching eye shadow. Eliza slips some ecstasy into her drink and before long; the party grows into one big orgy. Charlotte whores around for a bit and then leaves to go find shutterbug Sarah. The two meet in a college corridor and they begin lip locking as Charlotte sticks her finger up Sarah's cha-cha. But it seems as if the vampire influence is beginning to affect Charlotte because she goes completely "commando" on Sarah. Sarah runs off just as Nicholas Cage enters the dorm. Now that slut Eliza decides to have it out with Charlotte for whoring on her boy-toy. But Alyssa Milano shows no "fear" as she shoves Eliza against a wall before retreating into her room. Eliza tries to bang the door down but Nicholas Cage shows up and gives Eliza what-for. He smashes her skull against the door and then proceeds to lick the blood off of the door. Nick then grabs Charlotte and takes her up to the roof of the school. He plans on putting the big bite down on her, but all she can do is moan Chris's name. The vamp now realizes that he can never have Charlotte love him for her soul is inexplicably bound to the one true earnest man in her…Jesus Christ, who writes this shit? The point is, Charlotte rejects Nick in favor of Chris and our tortured vampire falls over and croaks. Note: This movie is not to be confused with Vampire's Kiss, which actually DOES star Nicholas Cage. Acting/Dialogue: This loser actually succeeds in being the world's first BORING vampire. I mean this guy has zip going for him. No charisma, no charm, no talent, no chances of a future career. I'm not sure if its so much the guy's acting or the fact that he is forced to read lines that sound like they were written by a forty-year-old divorcee who had just finished her first Anne Rice novel. Now Alyssa Milano on the other hand; now there's a class act. Here's a chick who pops her tits out damn near everywhere she goes and then has the gall to get uptight when a website begins posting naked pictures of her. I remember about two years or so ago, her mother and she went on this huge campaign to remove all objectionable material of her from the World Wide Web. I can attest here and now that it didn't work. Hey Alyssa, if you happen to be reading this hon, I want you know that I have downloaded nearly every titty-pic you ever posed for and am in the process of including them in a chain-letter email that I'm sending to all my friends. Consider this tough love therapy. If you don't want other people to lust after your mangos then don't pose for nudey pictures okay sweetie? Help me to help you. Gore: Typical sanitized bullshit. We get some blood smears here and there and some halfway decent fang work, but nothing worth working up a sweat over. Guilty Pleasures: TITTIES! If boobs, jugs and melons are your delight then look no further! Damn near every female in this flick shows her ta-tas off at some point or another. Alyssa Milano shows the goods at least once every twenty minutes. You'll find more racks in this movie then at your local Chili's on a Saturday night. The Good: TITTIES! If boobs, jugs and melons are your delight then look no further! Damn near every female in this flick shows her ta-tas off at some point or another. Alyssa Milano shows the goods at least once every twenty minutes. You'll find more racks in this movie then at your local Chili's on a Saturday night. Seriously guys, there really isn't much more to this flick than boobs. What we have here is 93 minutes worth of soft porn. Some scenes are rather quite erotic I have to admit. Particularly Alyssa's little lesbian scenes with the photographer. Have you ever noticed how female photographers are always lesbians in these flicks? What's up with that? The final dream sequence is pretty hot too. Not only do we have three people pawing all over Alyssa Milano, but also they throw in some bloody bite marks in just for a little added spice. The Bad: Jennifer Tilly doesn't show her tits! Fuckbeans man! She was the only in this turkey that I actually WANTED to see naked. Oh well. Aside from the nudity, this flick offers zero. The script is some of the most amateurish material I have ever seen. After checking on the director and screenwriting credits for this turd, I've discovered that the people who brought us Embrace of the Vampire are the same people who brought us Red Shoe Diaries and Taxi-Cab Confessions. I should have recognized the trademark styles right away. Half the cast are leftovers from the Erotic Confessions videos. I'm also very very ashamed of Nicholas Cage for having the audacity to look so similar to any actor who would condescend to appear in a piece of trash such as this. Shame on you Nick! Shame. On. You. There aren't enough Moonstrucks in the world that will make up for the nightmare that you made me suffer through. If you're looking for some halfway decent soft porn, then you can easily rent this puppy without garnering strange looks from the video store clerk. But who the hell watches soft porn anyway? Skip this bullshit and just download the real stuff! In the end, you will thank me. Your dick will thank me, and what's more; Alyssa will thank me! See that? I'm only thinking of YOU sweetheart. Great Lines: "I will destroy anyone who stands in my way. Even my own heart if need be." --Nicholas Cage moaning on about his lost love. "Would he die for you?" -Nick again. This time he's questioning Chris's loyalty to Charlotte. Overall Rating: 4 out of 10 severed heads. I calculated my rating on a base score of zero and then added 1 for every pair of halfway decent looking tits I managed to find. |
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