| You want Freedom Fries with that? It probably all started as a joke between a couple of hard-line conservatives. Basically it goes like this. France vetoed the United States' petition to go to war with Iraq in the United Nations Security Council. Because of this, a group of overly ripened shmucks in the House of Representatives thought it would be 'spiffy' to dump a couple of $1000 bottles of French chardonnay onto the floor in protest. On top of that, they though it would be equally keen to change the menus so that they offered Freedom Fries as opposed to French Fries. Now I have heard some wacky methods of protest before, but when it comes to asinine ways of getting your point across, this one ranks right up there with dumping your tea into the river and blaming it on the Indians Now because we are a nation of lemmings, it follows suit that major restaurant chains would follow such a ludicrous example and begin hawking their cleverly named Freedom Fries. First off, what in the sweet name of fuck does freedom have to do with the French? We're not oppressing the French. And the French sure as fuck aren't oppressing us. Hell, the most infamous national symbol of American patriotism was given to us by the French. So who's freedom are we praising here? The Iraqis? Surely not. They aren't free. They live under the tyrannical regime of a mustached little bandito named Saddam Hussein. And once we fry his monkey ass, then the poor citizens of Iraq will be forced to suffer under whatever oppressive regime we choose to replace him with. So whose freedom is so magnanimous that they should have a McDonald's side order named after them? This is without a doubt the dumbest thing I have heard coming out of Washington since the 2000 election. We'll pretty much piss on anyone won't we? After all, in accordance with our chief executive the only TRUE way that one can champion their patriotic ideals is by smacking their floppy penis across the nose of anyone who looks at us cross-eyed. It is this kind of idiotic shit that makes the USA so reviled by other nations. No wonder people in Europe make fun of us. It's bad enough these bozos think that Americans are nothing more than a bunch of beer-swilling date-raping uncultured yanks; we certainly don't need Captain Freedom Fry proving their point to them. For fuck's sake French Fries aren't even from FRANCE! They're only called that because of the French style cut of the potato slice! But you just can't explain these sort of things to some $4.50 an hour pimple-faced invertebrate wetback working behind the counter at Burger King. Now when it comes to making fun of the French, I'm as guilty as the next man. After all, deep down inside we ALL like to make fun of the French don't we? They talk pretty funny. They look different than us. They listen to strange music. They consistently mispronounce the word Notre Dame (It's No-tur Daym dammit! Get it RIGHT!) God knows they can't make a cup of coffee worth a shit. Hell even their computer-animated werewolves look like Hell. But despite their shortcomings, I don't feel that we should boycott them. They did give us Jean Reno after all. So as an open message to our Parisian cousins across the sea. Please don't look down your nose at the whole of American culture because of a few random dickwads who decide to boycott your country because we made the mistake of naming our potato wedges after your people. I just want it to be understood, that most sane Americans don't abide by this and if you ever stop by to sample some our dandy grease-saturated high caloric fast food I'm sure you will find that the bulk of us don't give a fat hairy McFuck what these assholes in congress choose to call their side orders. I'd love to rap more about this, but I have two pepperoni Freedombread pizzas burning in the oven. Abientot, --The Headhunter |
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