| Harry Potter And The Crazy Zombie Sex Orgy Released: 2005 MPAA Rating: X Genre: Zombie Nuts and Bolts: It's a hellish day at Hogwarts as Draco's spell goes awry awakening the undead! Harry and the gang must band together to find a way to stop them before the zombies have their way with them. Summary: Okay, remember how in the last flick, Draco got the shit slapped out of him by Hermione Granger? Well, he's still pretty pissed off about that and embarks upon a plan to get revenge on everyone at Hogwarts. He sneaks into Snape's room late at night and steals a mythic tome called Zombificus Necrorgasmo. He enacts this ancient spell that causes all of these zombies with huge undead erections to pop up out of the ground and begin attacking the school. The only way to stop the Zombies is to fuck them to death. Now Harry Potter has just returned to Hogwarts after spending the summer getting rimmed by those fucking Dursleys. As soon as he gets back, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley tell him what's going on. From that point on, its just pure chaos. Zombies are running all over the place fucking everything in sight. One of the zombies grabs wrinkly old Professor McGonagall, hikes her skirt up over her ass and begins riding her harder than Toby Maguire on Seabiscuit. Another group of zombies try to take advantage of that little Flitwick fellow, believing him to be an easy target. But Flitwick whips out this massive cock and begins smashing the shit out of the zombies with it until they crumble into dust. But some zombies are luckier than others. Poor Neville proves to the world once and for all why his last name is "Longbottom". His ass will be sore for a month. One of the slower moving zombies, disappointed at having failed to find an adequate partner, is forced to find completion in the only receptacle left available to him - the sorting hat. Harry and the others do some research until they learn that the only way to stop the zombies is through painful copulation. Enter: the Nimbus 8000 - the ultimate broomstick. Armed with the mighty phallus of degradation, Harry swoops through the castle plunging the Quiddich stick into every undead orifice he can find. But being as how Harry is kind of a pansy and all, it doesn't take long before the zombies overtake Ron and he and have their way with them. Hermione tries to lure the zombies away with her feminine wiles, but there's only so much one fifteen-year-old girl can do (or should that be, so MANY one fifteen-year-old girl can do?). It doesn't matter though, because just when you think its 'bottom's up' for Harry and the crew, in comes the TRUE man of the hour, SNAPE! Snape has thrown away his useless little magic wand and traded it in for some real weaponry - an AK-47. Slitherin's in da HIZZZZ-OUSE! Snape and his boys launch into the zombies with their artillery. Blood and body parts start flying everywhere. Snape starts executing this wild ass Matrix-looking shit where he jumps up into the air, and then hovers there for a few seconds and then comes down really fast driving his boot clear through this one zombie's ass cheek. Dumbledore tries to help out, but being as how he already shot his load, there is little that he can contribute. But it don't matter, because within minutes, the entire grand hall of Hogwarts is awash in blood, guts and other exciting bodily secretions. A true festival for the eyes! Acting/Dialogue: Words escape me. I can't even begin to describe how masterful the acting is in this film. I'll just reprint a few testimonials from some of the more reputable sources. They speak for themselves. "Harry Potter And The Crazy Zombie Sex Orgy" is a fun filled tour de force - says Ray Hustler of the Chicago Tribune. "One of this year's best. I laughed. I cried. I cried some more" - says Monica Fillmeup of the Boston Chronicle "Harry Potter And The Crazy Zombie Sex Orgy" is the feel-good movie of the year. And by feel-good, I mean feels REALLY good! - says Hugh G. Rection of the New York Times. Roger Ebert gives "Harry Potter And The Crazy Zombie Sex Orgy" one thumb up. He'd give it two thumbs, but his other hand is otherwise occupied. - The Chicago Sun Times. Gore: This is the goriest fucking movie I've ever seen in my life! Fuck Re-Animator! Fuck Dead-Alive! This shit tops them all! I love the scene where Hagrid is grabbing his ankles ready to be butt-sloped by a zombie, when down comes Sirius Black with a diamond-tipped chainsaw! He slices the guy from stem to sternum with just one stroke. Then there's this other great scene where Snape chops this guy's head off with a machete. He then takes a pair of salad tongs and stabs it into the zombie's head-stump and begins using it like a club to take down more zombies. And don't even get me started with Dobby and the bone-saw! Just go see it in all its blood-spattered glory! I once read an Entertainment Weekly interview with author J.K. Rowling, in which she was asked whether or not Harry Potter And The Crazy Zombie Sex Orgy might be a bit too mature for her younger viewers. Rowling was quoted as saying, "Fuck those little pussy-ass bitches! Fuckers gotta grow up some time don't they? What, did they think I was just going to have Harry and Hermione make cutesy-faces at each other for the next twelve years? These characters are growing! And as such, they have to evolve with the times. It ain't my fault if some little ball-licker's mother gets her thong in a twist because her virginal boy is being exposed to a little artistic class. What would the kid be doing if he weren't in the movie house watching my film? He'd probably be at church getting bent over the altar by some over-the-hill, randy old priest, that's where'd he be!" Guilty Pleasures: There are titties all over the fucking place! I swear to Christ, Professor McGonagall spends half the movie with her knee-shooters flopping in the breeze. And I don't mind saying, I got pretty fuckin' sweaty watching her doing that sexy little lapdance number for Dumbledore. No wonder he's gotta wear that big-ass robe. Brotha' needs some swinging room, ya know what I'm sayin'? The Good: This is the greatest fucking movie ever! Seriously guys, you can't go wrong with this one! I usually avoid the Harry Potter shit because, well…its like all homo and stuff. But when I heard that Wes Craven and Ron Jeremy were collaborating together on the script, I knew that I had to be the first in line. There's not a single dull moment in this movie. From the opening scene where Lucius Malfoy is getting blown by that little Dobby fellow, right up until the scintillating climax where Harry busts a nut all over that stupid friggin' owl of his - pure movie magic. And don't simply dismiss this film as just another random family flick - there are some truly Shakespearian elements here. Daniel Radcliffe gives his most convincing performance ever. I admit, he was a little rough in the first couple of flicks, but now he's come into full bloom as an actor. I was also surprised by how much the actor playing Ron Weasley bulked up for this flick. He was always kinda the wimp of the trio, but now he looks like he could bench press a flying car. You really see how defined he has become in the third act when he begins sodomizing that zombified basilisk creature. Amazing stuff. Truly amazing. But what I appreciated the most is the fact that the producers tried to introduce a bit more ethnicity into the otherwise Waspy world of Harry Potter. With this installment of the Potter franchise, we are introduced to a new chapter house at Hogwarts - House Shizzlelin. Shizzlelin is the all-black congregation of magic users. It kind of sucks though that Dumbledore has relegated them all to the old servants quarters. I also think its kind of wrong that Dumbledore has them all go through a mandatory strip search after they leave the cafeteria. Not to mention the fact that he makes them all use tire irons instead of magic wands. I have to admit, that's kind of fucked up. Now I know why Albus wears that big pointy hat all of the time. But hey…at least they're finally getting a voice. The Bad: The only bad thing about this movie is that it doesn't actually exist. HA-HA! I made it all the fuck up! Joke's on you! Laugh you bastards! Seriously though, wouldn't it be great if this WAS an actual movie? I bet it would outsell Lord of the fuckin' Rings no sweat. Great Lines: "You don't need to say wyngardiam levioso to get me to rise, babe." -Draco to Hermione. "Can't speak my name? Why that's just silly. Come on, say my name. Say it! SAY MY NAME BITCH!" - Voldemort "Don't blame me. You're the one who asked for pussy!" - Hermione turns into a cat again. Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 severed heads. |
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