Jack-O

Jack-O

Released: 1995

MPAA Rating: R

Genre: Demon

Nuts and Bolts: A family curse lives on through the ages as a dead warlock manages to sew his revenge against those who executed him. Can anyone survive the wrath of the PUMPKIN MAN?

Summary: Ok, let me start off by saying that I watched this chunk of crap about two years ago and have sworn to never watch it again. That being said, my memories of this shit-pickle are a tad rusty so there may be errors contained within this short summary.

First we begin with a flashback of Oakmoor Crossing Florida in the year 1915. A warlock named Walter Macken (John Carradine) has been doing some naughty poo-poo stuff in the town and the villagers ain’t none too happy about that. After the death of his son Daniel, Arthur Kelly decides to put a stop to the no-good bastard and forms a lynch party. Everyone does the typical torch-n-pitchfork sort of thing and before ya know it, ole Wally Macken is having his ass handed to him. Before he dies however, he curses the Kelly bloodline and says that he’s going to summon a demon that will avenge his death. (Now, I have to ask…executing a witch or a warlock ALWAYS leads to a curse; every single time, without fail. Why don’t people just leave these fucking guys alone? Chances are, if you quit fucking with them they likely won’t bother you and the most you will lose is maybe a few head of cattle that will strangely die for no particular reason. Small price to pay for escaping a curse I say.) Oh well. Walter Macken dies and the Kelly family is pretty much fucked from this point out.

Now we flash forward to the present. The Kelly family is alive and well and consisting of David and Linda and their little boy Sean. It’s just about Halloween time and this trailer trash hick decides that he wants to set up his garage as a Haunted House of the Homeless for the trick or treaters. (Which pretty much means he’s going to throw away all of the empty beer cans that are lying around.)

While all this is going on, a bunch of drunken horny teenagers are fucking around in a graveyard. They come upon the grave of Walter Macken and one of them pulls the cross out of the ground. This resurrects Jack-O who is basically a skinny hillbilly with a big plastic pumpkin for a head. Coming after the teens with a scythe, he slits a throat here, chops a head off there and pretty much ruins the entire trick-or-treating experience for them. From there Jacky-boy takes off looking for more people to kill. Next on the hit list is some mean old fuck that doesn’t like to give candy out to the kiddies on Halloween night. Fuck him, he deserves to die anyway. Rip him up Jack.

As scenes continue to range from tepid to boring, we come to learn that a strange looking broad has wormed her way into the Kelly home. This is Vivian Macken. Viv explains that she is the granddaughter of Warlock Walter Macken and that she knows the sordid history of Oakmoor Crossing. She states that only the 5th male descendent of Arthur Kelly (The guy who first killed Macken) can stop the demon. Yes, we now learn that Jack-O is actually a DEMON! A fucking demon from HELL! Christ, even the cast of Little Nicky would kick the snot out of this clown.)

As we tread along through this tractor-pull of travesty, Pumpkin Man begins carving up more people. He marks his territory by leaving droplets of fake blood and gore everywhere he goes. (Although I’m not too sure if this was an actual plot device or not.)

David, Sean and Vivian go down to the cemetery for a final throw down with Jack-Off. Vivian gets sliced up good and proper with the scythe and now it is up to the father and son team to take the big man down. Using branches from an ash tree, David forms a makeshift Crucifix. With the help of his son, they drive the thing into Jack-O’s chest and thus the world is once again saved from the threat of cheap shitty horror monsters!

Acting/Dialogue: This is without a doubt the worst acting I have ever seen in a movie. I really can’t say it any more plainly than that. Thank god that John Carradine was dead during the filming of this. As many schlock films as he’s appeared in, I’m sure even HE would have turned down this script. These actors are just dreadful. Pure crap. The shittiest shit that ever did shit. And I’ve watched a LOT of shit. The only film that comes to mind that has shittier acting is the Man Next Door. These guys aren’t even really actors. They’re just friends and family of the director. Director Steve Latshaw even cast his own son Ryan in the starring role just so he wouldn’t have to cut another paycheck.

Gore: There’s a little bit of the typical slasher gore type of stuff. But it’s so damn fake that it’s more funny than scary. Actually…no. That’s not true. I lied. It’s not funny at all. It’s damned sad is what it is. Maybe if Shop-n-Save had featured a buy-one/get-one sale on Heinz 57 that week, the producers of this flick could have afforded to use some more realistic looking blood.

Guilty Pleasures: {Original} I don’t remember seeing any boobies, but I’m sure there were some. Hell, Linnea Quigley starred in this flick, so that’s practically a boob guarantee. Update! I've just been informed that Linnea Quigley does indeed bare her bosom in a shower sequence during this flick. But don't put yourself through this torturous nightmare just to view them. If you are desperate to satiate your Linnea boner, than check her out in Night of the Demons, Silent Night, Deadly Night or Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. Big Thanks to Matt for the contribution!

The Good: You know you’re working on a cheap budget when you need to resort to using archive footage of deceased actors to play the main characters in your film. Despite that however, it was kind of neat seeing John Carradine again. Never mind the fact that the actor died seven years prior to the making of this film, Carradine plays the warlock Walter Macken and the whole flashback is done in grainy black and white. Hell, I’m surprised these clowns had enough bank to make the REST of the film in color.

There’s also an appearance by an amusing television personality named Rush Gingbaw.

Jack-O has a fairly impressive looking video box cover. Nice intimidating looking image of Jack-O, which is fifty times more threatening looking than the end product.

The Bad: This movie was so mind-numbingly awful, I don’t even know where to begin. Now I have watched films heralded by the Kings of Crap, so I think I speak from wizened experience when I say, DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY, BREATH, OR TIME ON THIS CHEAP-ASS, HOME-MADE, HACKNEED, INTELLECTUALLY-ABSENT, MIGHTY-MORPHIN PIECE OF HOG SHIT! Ed Wood’s rotting corpse could have scripted a better movie! Roger Corman’s stool sample could have finessed a higher budget! Peewee Herman could have built a more realistic looking playhouse!

Am I getting my point across yet? THIS FILM FUCKING BLOWS! I would sooner pull my own nut sack up over my face just so I wouldn’t have to be subjected to this visual insult one more time. Don’t see it! I implore you! Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably reading this and saying to yourself, “Well gosh golly Headhunter, just how BAD can it really be?” And then you will likely go out and rent it in the vain hope that what I am telling you is wrong. DON’T! Don’t be fooled! That is EXACTLY the type of reverse psychology these hacks depend upon in order to get a chunk of shit like this onto the shelf at Blockbuster video. People rent it because they are either fooled by the nifty looking video carton or they feel the sado-masochistic need to prove to themselves that what they are viewing is a true shit-fest. Don’t be fooled by the clever looking video cover design. Not to sound Gumpish, but Video box covers really ARE like a box of chocolates. Most of them have wonderful looking chocolate coverings with a tantalizingly chewy caramel center, but ultimately you will select the ever-hated orange nougat chocolate from the tray. Think of Jack-O as being comparable to orange nougat. It leaves a taste in the back of your mouth that not even a sterno filled with Everclear could dissolve. Invariably EVERY single person who has fallen for this trick regretted it the day after. Don’t feel bad if you have already become a victim. It happened to me. It could happen to any of us. NOT watching this movie is IMPERATIVE to your health and to your overall sanity. If Moses came down from Mount Sinai with an eleventh commandment it would read, “Thou shalt not cast thine eyes upon the pieceth of shit known as Jack-O.”

Am I getting’ through to ya yet? Stay clear of this film! This is your only warning.

Great Lines: You’re kidding me right?

Overall Rating: 1 out of 10 severed heads. Comparing this movie to our beloved first prime number even makes me feel dirty.

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