Lake Placid




Released: 1999

MPAA Rating: R

Genre: Predatory Animal

Nuts and Bolts: Crikey! Wawtch as the crawkodile aetes up a bounch of people in a smawll New England village!

Summary: Sheriff Hank Keough of Aroostook County Maine takes a diver from the Wildlife fish and game organization out into the middle of Black Lake in order to tag some beaver. (For you readers that live south of the Mason Dixon line, tagging beaver is NOT a fancy euphemism for picking up chicks. They do things a little bit differently in Maine.)

So anyway, the diver drops down into the lake and begins poking around. But what he finds is DEFINITELY not a beaver. A large shadowy form lunges forward from the depths and chews the man in half. He flails about frantically, but Keough is only able to pull the diver’s top half out of the water. Fleeing back to the mainland, Keough contacts the Fish and Wildlife people who send out macho-comacho Jack Wells (Bill Pullman) to investigate the issue.

News of the attack reaches the scientific community and the reports even wind up in the news files at a museum in New York.  Here we meet paleontologist Kelly Scott (Bridget Fonda). Kelly is in a very uncomfortable position. She is in the midst of screwing her boss Kevin who is likewise screwing Kelly’s co-worker and friend Myra. In order to get Kelly out of the equation, Kevin sends her on a fact-finding mission in Maine to investigate a recovered reptile tooth.

Kelly arrives in Maine and encounters Sheriff Keough. The two instantly don’t like one another and Kelly suspects that Keough may harbor prejudice against ‘museum people’. Eventually Mister Macho Jack Wells shows up and introduces himself to Kelly. They take a jaunt down to the county morgue where the diver’s body has been taken. A reptiles tooth has been extracted from the victim’s remains and Kelly gathers that it must be from a creature, which is quite old.

They then decide to interview the only person currently living on Black Lake. This would be Delores Bickerman (Betty White). Delores has no idea what could have done such a thing to another human being. Through the course of conversation she reveals that she murdered her husband Bernie two years ago. In her confession she explains that Bernie was suffering from Alzheimer’s and that she was forced to brain him with a skillet in order to end his suffering. According to her, Bernie’s remains are buried out near the pier between her farm and the lake.

For the nonce, the group decides to leave Bickerman alone in favor of investigating the attack. They take a boat out onto the lake and begin searching. Keough finds a chewed up moose head floating in the lake. He brings it aboard and accidentally flops the thing on top of Kelly. Kelly is something of a bitch and she slaps Keough twice across the face.

They later dock and set up tents near the lake. Jack is trying to figure out why Kelly insists on staying with the investigation, as this is no place for a paleontologist. Before she can respond the two see a helicopter with pontoons landing on the lake near the camp. Out walks Hector Cyr (Oliver Platt). Hector is a mythology professor as well as an eccentric crocodile hunter. Kelly and he share a past together as he has occasionally helped her out at the museum. Hector heard reports of the man’s death and came to investigate as well. He confirms that what they are looking for is a crocodile. Keough insists that crocodiles could not exist in salt water, but Hector believes that this one does.

Later that day, the crew (accompanied by some token deputies) takes a canoe out into the lake. They notice a school of perch frighteningly rising to the surface. As they turn to investigate the canoe carrying Kelly and Hank flips over backwards. They conclude their affairs for the day and head back to land. Once upon terra firma, Hector discovers the remains of a human toe lying in some underbrush. By observing the digit he concludes that not only is the crocodile hunting on land but also his presence is having an adverse affect on the local ecosystem. Keough and Hector exchange some barbed quips and the two quickly take a disliking to one another.

That night, everyone settles down in the tents; everyone that is except for Hector. He is partying it up in his tent with several of Keough’s officers in attendance. Hector begins flirting with Deputy Gare. Sheriff Hank busts in and breaks up the party. He leaves angrily and goes to take a piss. Shortly thereafter he discovers Hector fucking about in the bushes preparing spring traps for the crocodile. Hank is ready to beat the shit out of him but Jack calms him down.

The following day, the group takes a boat out onto the lake. Jack and Hector go diving leaving Kelly with the Sheriff and his deputies. The boat is de-anchored and Kelly is knocked off deck in the process. The sheriff spins the boat around to pick her up before the crocodile can get her. Jack and Hector eventually get back on board but they discovered nothing during their diving expedition. As the group argues amongst one another, the croc shows his face for the first time. He lunges up the starboard side neatly depriving Deputy Burke of the burden of his own head.

Back on land, Jack calls the U.S. Wildlife department. Apparently the death of a second person is enough to warrant a compliment of officers. Hank meanwhile falls prey to another one of Hector’s traps. Jack and Kelly help him down and the disgruntled Sheriff chases Hector off into the woods. He catches up to him but just before he can lay the smack down a bear bursts forward from the bushes. The group scatters and Jack filets his arm on some branches while evading the beast’s rampage. The bear stops short on the beach and draws himself up on two legs readying an attack. But before Pooh even has a chance to claim his jar of honey, the crocodile shoots forward from the water latching his jaws onto the bear’s legs. In three quick strokes the animal is gobbled down and the crocodile recedes back into the water. Sorry Smokey. After the bear attack, the group returns to camp. Keough beats Hector up and Kelly stitches up Jack’s injured arm.

The following day, the group emerges from their tent to check the lakebeds. They find footprints leading away from the shore as well as a severed human head. As the group ponders these bizarre circumstances Jack notices something through the bushes. The section of the lake that they are at is extremely close to the Bickerman farm. As they strain their eyes they find Delores leading a cow down to the lake. The crocodile is waiting hungrily and gulps the beast down in two bites. Apparently this old bitch has been FEEDING this big fucker. Jack, Hank and Kelly go to interrogate Bickerman while Hector and Deputy Gare take the helicopter out towards the animal’s habitat.

Bickerman fesses up under the pressure. She explains that she lied about murdering her husband because she felt that if she told the police that he was actually killed by the crocodile that they would just try to kill it. Keough places Bickerman under house arrest.

Now while this is going on, Hector has landed the chopper in the water. He dives in and begins nosing about for the croc. The animal attacks him and he barely has enough time to get back in the helicopter. Gare takes off but the croc leaps up puncturing one of the pontoons. Once they reach the others Jack berates Hector for endangering the life of a police officer. Unhappy with the response time from U.S. Wildlife, Jack calls Florida fish and game who have pledged to come to Maine to eliminate the beast. Hector knows that the Fish and Game people will only try to kill him and that this crocodile exists as a miracle of modern science. He begs Jack for the opportunity to take him alive. Jack reluctantly concedes and the group formulates a plan.

The following morning, Sheriff Keough goes to Bickerman’s farm and appropriates one of her cows. They tie the thing to a pulley left dangling beneath the bottom of the helicopter. Hector flies the chopper while tea-bagging the cow into the lake in order to bait the crocodile. They continue this until well into the evening.

Just as they are ready to give up, the croc finally emerges. They draw the cow inland and the crocodile gives chase. Jack manages to fire off a dart containing Flaxidyl into the creature’s flank. (Flaxidyl is either a sedative or a laxative; I’m not sure which.) The winch holding the pulley system breaks off and the animal lands in the water. For some reason, this also causes the helicopter to crash onto the lake about thirty-five feet out from the shoreline. The croc goes on land and we actually see the beast at his full size (Length approximately 30 feet and a height of roughly four feet.) Everyone piles into Jack’s pick-up as the monster gives chase. Kelly (once again) falls out of the vehicle and is forced to flee towards the lake. The crocodile swishes around and chases after her. She swims out towards Hector who promptly helps her into the sinking helicopter. The croc dives low coming up behind the chopper. He bursts forward through the frame and manages to trap his fat ass inside the belly of the helicopter. Just like fucking Pooh. By this time the drugs finally kick in. Jack fires one more dart into the croc’s head just to be certain that isn’t going to be getting feisty any time soon.

Hector and Kelly swim back towards the beachhead. As they emerge a crocodile attacks chomping Hector in the leg. Keough swings his hand cannon about and blasts the thing into a thousand un-used wallets. Who knew that there was a second croc, eh? As per tradition, the cavalry arrives now that everything is done. Hector issues a sarcastic greeting as U.S. Wildlife officers take control of the area.

Everything here has a nice happy ending. Hank and Hector bond a little bit, Jack and Kelly go on a date and even Mrs. Bickerman is having the time of her life as she sits on the dock near her home feeding a school of baby crocodiles.

Big papa crocodile meanwhile is strapped to the flatbed of an eighteen-wheeler bound for Florida. I hear he became an attraction at Universal Studios’ Islands of Adventure.

Acting/Dialogue: I smell an Oscar winner here. Bill Pullman gives off an excellent performance of a guy trying to impersonate Bill Pullman. Let’s face it guys, NOBODY can play Bill Pullman quite the way Bill Pullman can. Bridget Fonda does the ‘cute but manic’ thing to a tee. I don’t even think Meg Ryan could make as many pug faces as Bridget pulls off here. Oliver Platt is at his all time wittiest and I love watching the banter between he and Brendan Gleeson (Keough). But the one who takes the cake is Ms. Golden Girl herself, Betty White. Betty plays a VERY un-Betty like role here and she curses enough to even make THIS headhunter blush. The dialogue all around is very crisp and amusing. No weak elements here at all.

Gore: There’s a smattering of gore, but nothing too controversial. We have a beheading as well as a guy crunched in half. We also have several free-floating limbs lying about including moose heads, man heads and even a worm-ridden toe. We also see a computer generated cow and bear getting gulped up by the crocodile.

Guilty Pleasures: The crocodile wears no clothes.

The Good: This film is without a doubt the undisputed sleeper hit of 1999. First off, you got a big-ass fucking crocodile. You really can’t go wrong there can you? Secondly, you got an all-star cast featuring some of the coolest mo-fo’s around. The only thing that could have made this film better was if we got to see Bridget Fonda wrestling around naked with the crocodile. Don’t snub your nose at Bridget man. She’s a tough little bitch when she needs to be. I bet she would give that punk-ass nancy Steve Irwin a run for his money. “Crikey” my fat dick.

With the exception of a few minor details (listed later), the special effects are REALLY well done. Director Steve Miner knows when its prudent to use CGI techniques and when good old fashioned animatronics are deemed preferable. The crocodile looks very sleek and menacing and does not look computer generated at all. CGI is a tricky and seductive tool these days and not all directors know how to wield it properly. In the wrong hands CGI technology can become just as detrimental to a film as a cannibal at a gay pride parade.

Lake Placid is a really fun flick that still manages to provide a few jumps and scares. Don’t expect anything too cerebral here folks. Just sit back with a cold and let the good times roll.

The Bad: My biggest complaint with this movie is its overall running time. It’s only eighty-two minutes long. Hell, it took me longer than that just to write this review. I think that with a longer running time they could have done more with the crocodile itself. This is a fine film, but I think Miner let the campiness overshadow the drama of it. Perhaps an extra ten or twenty minutes of the croc gnawing down on some deputies would have made the difference between a ‘great’ film and a ‘fucking great’ film.

I also wasn’t overly thrilled with the bear scene. The death scene starts off okay and your eyes will bulge from their sockets as you watch this fucker taking down a goddamned bear. But it’s the last few bites that really bottom out. The bear looks like he was just a big balloon that instantly deflated once the croc’s choppers set into him. Plus the absence of blood made the scene just a slight bit unrealistic.

I really can’t think of anything else bad to say about this film. Steve Miner did a real solid job overall. As far as modern animal flicks go, you could do a helluva lot worse. I’ll take Lake Placid any day of the week over Anaconda or Bats or even that little fuck-faced whore Stuart Little.

Great Lines:

“I'm rooting for the crocodile. I hope he swallows your friends whole.”  --Bickerman bitching to a deputy.

“If I had a dick, this is where I would tell you to suck it.”  --Bickerman mouthing off to Sheriff Keough.

“Yeah, we wanted to call it Lake Placid, but we heard that name was already taken.” --The only reference what so ever to the movie’s title.

“If you call me "ma'am" one more time, I will sue you! And with today’s laws, it’s possible!”  --Kelly bitching at Jack.

“That’s sweet. Maybe later you can chew the bark off my big fat log.”  --Hector Cyr responding to a joke made at his expense.

“You’re all cocksuckers! I knew it all along, I just didn’t want to say it!”  --Bickerman after Jack and Hank steal one of her cows. Let’s face it. This bitch has ALL the primo lines in this movie.

Overall Rating: 8 out of 10 severed heads
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