| Lips of Blood Released: 1975 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Vampire Nuts and Bolts: Frederick is haunted by images from his past. Investigating the ruins of an old castle, he unwittingly releases four voluptuous vampires out into the night. But a conspiracy is afoot that prevents Frederick from finding the girl of his dreams. Summary: Our story opens with a group of nondescript yet slovenly looking horde of people walking about Sauveterre Castle in Paris France. They are carrying with them several bodies wrapped in white linens. Plodding downward into the crypts beneath Sauveterre, they confine the bodies to large wooden coffins and set up a crucifix to bar the entranceway. Now I'm no rocket scientist, but it doesn't take Stephen fucking Hawking to figure out that these unmoving lumps of linen are actually vampires. Now we cut to some time later. This dude named Frederick (Or FrederEEk if you prefer the French pronunciation) is attending this swank little party with of all people his mum. But there's only one thing that enraptures his attention moreso than his continuously needy mother, and no I'm not talking about the hot brunette in the revealing dress that was hanging on him. Actually it's a photo containing the ruins of Sauveterre Castle. The host of the party bought it as a poster and is showing it off. Fred is completely drawn in to this photo and he can't figure out why. Now its time to cue the flashback music. As Fred's consciousness drifts away, we are taken back in time twenty years. A twelve year old Fred (Although he looks more like nine) is lost and wandering the hills surrounding the castle. He calls out to his mom and dad but with no reply. Finally he seeks shelter at the castle gates. A sixteen year old girl named Jennifer greets him and lets him sleep in the hallway (Nice girl eh? I would have at least asked for a gobby if all she was going to give me was a shitty hallway to sleep in). Anyway, little Fred is completely smitten with the robust teen and declares his undying puppy love for her. The following morning he leaves the castle. This is the last time he has ever seen this girl. So now the adult Fred kicks back a shooter of port and wonders why he can't recall the details pertaining to that castle. Apparently Fred lost a great deal of his memory when he was a young child right around the time that his father died. He asks the host of the party for the name of the castle but the guy doesn't know. The host gives him the address of the photographer however and sends him along. So Fred goes over to the studio of the chick that first took the Polaroid of the elusive Sauveterre. Photo girl is in the midst of shooting a nude model who is masturbating beneath the studio lights. Quelle Surprise non? Fred enters the room and the model starts rubbing up on him. Photo girl sends her away and begins chatting with Fred. Fred asks her about the photo and she says that she was paid a lot of money not to reveal any details concerning the photo. However, Photo girl has kind of taken a shine to Fred as well and she strips down starkers and begins humping on him. What IS it with this guy? He is not a good-looking dude by any stretch of the imagination and yet all these French babes are throwing themselves at him. Fucking French. Anyway, Photo girl whispers to him and tells him that she will reveal her sources if he meets her at the aquarium at midnight. This makes little sense, but whatever. Fred agrees and goes on his way. With time to kill, Fred takes in a movie. While watching the flick, he sees the image of the young girl (Jennifer) from his flashback vision. Amazingly she looks no different than she did when he was twelve years old. Fred takes off after her and follows her into the streets of Paris. She's a wily one though our Jennifer. She leads him about by his dick until finally he discovers the tunnels that lead to the underground crypts beneath Sauveterre Castle. In his enthusiasm, Fred kicks over the cross, which stood as a protective ward against the undead. On top of that, he also uncovers all of the coffins in the room. The coffins are filled with screeching vampire bats. Fred runs out of the cavern. The bats turn into four scantily clad buxom blonde vampire women. Wearing nothing but a see-through smock and a smile they leave the castle and stalk out into the night. Their first victim is a jolly looking little man standing near a bridge. He tries to escape but they descend on him and quickly drink his blood. (Truth to tell, he really didn't make all that much of an effort to run away. But then again, even in Paris I guess the sight of four blondes in see-through colors can be a bit disarming. Fucking French.) Meanwhile, Fred runs across the bridge until he meets a middle-aged whore. The whore explains to him that she is actually Jennifer all grown up and that she is responsible for his visions. Fred doesn't really believe her but he allows her to take him back to her apartment. (It's probably all a ruse just to jump super-stud Fred's bones. After all, he is obviously the only fuckable guy in all of Paris.) She takes him back to this really shitty dung-heap apartment. Fred tells her that he doesn't believe her to be the woman from his visions. The whore locks him in the room and runs downstairs. She barely gets out the door however when the four vampire babes leap upon her. They actually go upstairs and release Frederick from the locked room. Porquois? Anyway, by this point its time for Fred to get down to the aquarium to meet photomat girl. He rummages about through the dark for a bit until he spies a strange mustached man wandering down the halls. He runs outside and finds the dead body of the photographer lying on some rocks near a fountain. WHO could have perpetuated such an awful crime? WHAT terrible secret are they trying to hide? DOES anyone really give a flying flop of ferret shit? Frightened, Frederick races away and hops on the subway back into town. One of the passengers on the subway happens to be the mustached bandito from the aquarium. For no particular reason, the mustached man pulls out a gun and tries to shoot Fred. But Fred is fast and Fred is strong and with two quick karate blows to the chest (Captain Kirk style), Fred defeats the mustache assassin. (And yes, it really IS as hokey as I am making it sound.) He finally races home where he tells his mom about everything that has happened. He can't get the thought of Jennifer out of his mind as he has been seeing her all over Paris. Mom thinks he's a total fucking crackpot and calls for the men in the white coats. They arrive shortly thereafter and gleefully slap Fred into a straightjacket bound for the happy home. At the sanitarium, the doctor tells Fred that he is going to try electro-shock therapy on him. Wow! Shock therapy and a straight jacket just because the guy keeps seeing a woman that he can't seem to find? Holy knee-jerk reactions Batman! I'm starting to think that electro-shock therapy is the first and only treatment that psychiatrists have for patients these days. And it doesn't seem to be all that effective either. I've seen Once Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, I know what that shit can do! It doesn't heal you. All it does is fuck up your hair and make you drool endlessly. But I digress. The doctor orders his nurses to prep Fred for treatment, but lo and behold, the nurses turn out to be two of the vamp chicks in disguise! And a clever disguise it was too; they wore clothing. The two vamps lunch on the doctor and free Fred from his straightjacket. Again I say, porquois? So Fred is loose on the streets and he begins seeing Jennifer again. Jennifer doesn't say anything, but she beckons him to follow her to the ruins of the castle. Obedient like a puppy dog, he follows her all the way to Sauveterre. He goes back down into the crypt when who should show up of all people, but his mother. Apparently mom knows the whole skinny about what's going on. She shows him the coffin of Jennifer and explains to him that she is a vampire. She further explains that Jennifer is the one responsible for his father's death twenty years ago. She is also the one that turned four blonde naked women into vampires as well. However, mom didn't have the heart to completely destroy these women so her pals and she merely trapped them in the crypt and placed crosses around the place. She tells Fred that he must wait for Jennifer to arise again and cut off her head. Now while mom is explaining all of this, her cronies are on the outside of the castle hunting down the other vamps. They corner them and plunge stakes into their hearts. They set them atop a bonfire in the courtyard. Moments later, Fred emerges with what looks to be a head in his hands. He chucks the thing onto the fire and as far as everyone else is concerned the nightmare is over. The truth of the matter is however, is that Fred was not about to destroy the object of his affections. The head he brought out to the bonfire actually belonged to a mannequin found in the crypt. Returning to the dungeon, he releases Jennifer from her coffin. Jennifer explains that while she slept, she read a book about astral projection and was able to project her image to Fred so that he could come and free her (It wasn't actually Jennifer's real body that he was seeing all these times). The two fall madly in love and roll around the beach naked. Jennifer turns Fred into a vampire. They finally decide to throw themselves into a coffin on the beach and wait for the tide to take them out to sea. (I guess it beats paying for airline tickets.) So now Fred and Jenny can live happily ever after. Whatever. Acting/Dialogue: There's not really anything in the way of acting here. Actually it's pretty fucking pathetic. Fred underplays the moments when he should be really excited and over-reacts in scenes where it is really not called for. The rest of the cast is fairly superficial. All they do is make a gruesome face and show off their tits. However, I DO fervently believe that Jennifer's breasts should be honored with the MTV People's Choice award. Gore: Lips of Blood is the caffeine-free, diet Coke of gore. The gore revealed in this is nothing more than a smattering of blood on the lips. In truth, I've seen gorier episodes of the Care Bears. Guilty Pleasures: Well, never let it be said that this film doesn't deliver on T&A. Practically every female featured in this movie shows off either her tits, her ass or her bush at some point or another. (Most of them show off all three at once.) The T&A is really the only thing that makes this movie even slightly bearable to watch. The Good: Hmmm, where to begin? Well there were some really nice boobies. And the tits were nice too. And the breasts as well. And lets not forget about the fun-bags. And of course the dirty pillows. Awww hell, who am I kidding? This film sucks. The beaver is the only thing this hunk of shit has going for it. If you enjoy empty hollow plot-deficient films with lots of nudity then light a fucking candle because this film is for you. However, if you're the type that is actually familiar with terms such as plot and motivation and resolution then you will likely turn a blind eye to this garbage. The Bad: This film bites. And I don't mean in that quirky vampire pun sort of way. I mean, it fucking blows! The story is simply retarded. This clown Fred has zero going for him. He's not cool or likeable in the slightest regard. The entire plot hinges on the fact that he longs to find some old hideout he enjoyed as a kid. Bah! I've seen tighter scripts on an episode of Mighty Morphin Fuck-Me Suck-Me Rangers. Director Jean Rollin has never been about producing (ahem) classy vampire flicks, but Lips of Blood is hands down his worst achievement. The romantic element in this story is completely contrived and more than just a little ridiculous. I'm sorry, but what guy is going to risk life and limb for a girl he met once when he was twelve years old? Is that a French thing or something? Fucking French. And what the fuck was up with those four bimbos? At one point, I thought they were supposed to be the antagonists of the story, but on two occasions they actually help Fred out. Why the hell would they do this? I guess they wanted to shag him as well just like every other chick in this movie. And who was the ugly whore that brought Fred back to her apartment? She told him that she was actually the adult Jennifer, but we know that's not true. Why did she tell him that? How did she even know who he was? How the fuck did she know who Jennifer was? Why did she bring him back to her apartment? To fuck him? And for that matter, what was up with the mustached guy? Did he kill the photographer? If so, why? And why did he try to kill Fred on the subway? What in the name of sweet FUCK is going ON with this movie? The most aggravating detail in this film is that Fred and Jennifer are the only ones with names. I'm not kidding. No one else is named in this film, which makes it EXTREMELY difficult to write a well thought out review without resorting to prose that sounds like something out of Curious fucking George. There are too many questions without resolution trickling throughout the course of this movie, but fortunately for some, the movie is so sodding boring that you really don't care to learn the answers. To be honest, I was so intensely bored by this flick, that I even find myself bored writing this review. And chances are that you are equally bored reading it. Great Lines: "I've always felt a stranger to this childhood you describe." -Fred speaking to his mother regarding his missing memories of childhood. Overall Rating: 2 out of 10 severed heads. The masturbating model is the only thing that saved this chunk of shit from dipping into the negative numbers. |
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