| Near Dark Released: 1987 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Vampire Nuts and Bolts: Good ole boy Caleb Colton runs afoul of a group of tough-talking cow-poking shit-kicking vampires who take him on the road with them for a whoopin' hollerin' good time. Yeeeee-haw! Summary: Caleb Colton is your average horny young buck looking to score a piece of tail from a nice young filly named Mae. He finds Mae outside of a saloon somewhere in Oklahoma and thinks that she is just purddier than a rooster with socks on. Mae is stuck for a ride and good ole Caleb is more than happy to give her a lift. They drive along for a bit and Mae dribbles on about the age of the stars or some such hippie nonsense. The audience doesn't really care about her little diatribe and neither does Caleb. He just wants to feel her breasticles. Darn tootin! So do I! Now the two are starting to hit it off a bit, but then Mae notices that it is getting dangerously close to dawn. She asks Caleb to step up the pace and get her home toot-sweet. But Caleb tries to be a playa and takes his good ole sweet time. You know these cowboy types; they don't rush to do anything. So Mae has little choice but to reveal her peculiar nocturnal feeding habits. She bites him on the neck and takes him down a pint. Well slap my ass and call me Spanky! The ole girl's a vampire! So now Caleb is feeling kind of woozy and stumbles out of the truck just a few yards away from the ole homestead ranch. But before he can get inside, Mae's vampire buddies pull up and drag him into their stolen Southwind motor home. Caleb's pop Loy and his little sister Sarah watch them as they drive off into the sunset. Now we meet the real meat-n-potatoes gang. The trailer is full of vampires and they're all a bunch of cow-tipping mean motor scooters. The leader is Jesse (Lance Henriksen), the tough talking John Wayne type. Then we have Diamondback (Jenette Goldstein) the quasi-dyke male-friendly she-bitch. There is also Homer, a little kid who became a vampire at a very young age. Don't mispronounce his name either or else he'll get a little testy. We've already met Mae. Lastly there's Severen (Bill Paxton). Sev is your basic problem child. He's a balls-out shit-kicker who has no reservation about using one's skull as his own personal port-o-potty. None of these guys really take a shine to Mae's new beau and they are more than ready to drain him dry and leave him for dead. Mae explains that she has bitten him and I guess that carries some weight so far as Jesse is concerned. So Caleb gets to live. For now. They wait until they are out of town before dumping Mae and Caleb off on the side of the road. Sev looks to steal a new set of wheels while Mae tries to help Caleb through his trials. She decides to let him try and go it on his own, but the hillbilly doesn't even make it past the bus terminal. The loss of blood is really affecting him now and he's on the verge of puking all over the place. He doesn't have enough bank to buy a bus ticket so he wanders back out into the streets. He meets up with Mae who forces Caleb to drink blood from her wrist thus turning him into a vampire. She tries to explain to him that he must kill to survive, but Caleb ain't buying it. Meanwhile, the other vamps take turns hunting their own personal prey. Homer lures victims in by pretending he had a roadside accident on his bicycle. Severen hitchhikes until he picks up a few cowgirls who are only too willing to see what he's got on his rotisserie. Jesse and Diamondback actually become victims of a car jacking. But they quickly turn the tables on their would-be attackers. And then we come back to Mae and punk-ass Caleb. Caleb can't find it in himself to kill. They even hitch a ride with a truck driver who gives them the ins and outs of driving an 18-wheeler. But alas, Caleb can't bring himself to do the ole boy in thus forcing Mae to take care of him. Meanwhile, Loy Colton and little Sarah are haranguing the town deputy as to the disappearance of his son. Like in most movies, these southwestern Roscoes are about as useless as a one-breasted woman to a two-handed boyfriend. More on that later. Mae and Caleb regroup with the others and they all decide to wash the trail-dust out of their throats at the local saloon. As soon as they approach the bar, Sev begins fucking around with the patrons. He makes fun of the bartender, throws whiskey on one of the customers and pretty much breaks up the overall harmony of the place. Jesse and Diamondback order a beer glass, but the waitress mistakenly brings them a glass of beer. He explains to her that he only needs the glass. Then he throats the heffer and pours her arterial juices into the chilled glass. Pretty cool eh? Meanwhile Severen is fucking with just about everybody in the bar. He crushes one guy's skull in and uses the spur of his boot to slice open the throat of the bartender. Little Homer shoots one of the other mullet heads in the back leaving Mae to take care of some buck-toothed nerd in the back of the pool hall. Mae dances around with him for a bit and tells Caleb that 'this one' is for him. Again, Caleb wussies out on killing this guy and lets little fucking Howdy Doody escape. (The others don't take notice of this though) Having killed everyone in sight, they hop back into their stolen van and drive until sunrise. Just as the sun is peaking over the horizon they pull in to the Hide-a-Way Motel and get a room. It's at this point that we flash back towards Loy and Deputy Dawg. Apparently Loy got the sheriff's department to take him seriously and they find the kid that Caleb let go. The kid tells them what happened at the bar and the cops trace the van back to the motel. Now it's early in the morning when they make the raid, so the vamps are definitely at a disadvantage. The cops begin shooting through the windows and the vamps scurry as sunlight pours in. They begin shooting back and that's when the fireworks really start going off. Caleb realizes that he needs to prove his worth to the others (As well as saving his own ass), so he wraps himself up in a sheet and storms out the back door. He beelines for the van and gets shot several times. But even as his exposed skin is starting to sizzle, he starts the van and drives it through the motel enabling Jesse and the others safe haven. The windows of the van are covered with duct tape, so they are able to safely escape despite the rays of the early morning sun. If nothing else, this selfless act goes a long way towards Caleb getting into Jesse's good graces. So they all truck on down to a different motel where everyone begins to relax. Jesse and the others are starting to accept Caleb now. But this is pretty much where everything goes to shit. You see, little Homer decides to go outside to fuck around some. He sees a little girl getting a soda from a vending machine. Now even though Homer is technically an 'adult', he seems to have the maturity of a twelve year old. He hits on the little girl and creepily invites her back to his room (In retrospect, this really is kind of morbid). Now what he doesn't yet realize is that this little girl is Sarah, Jesse's sister. Sarah and papa Loy happened to be staying at the same motel as the vampires. Shortly thereafter, Sarah is reunited with her brother and Caleb begins to realize that his family is in danger. Papa Loy busts up into the place and tries to convince Caleb to come with him. But Jesse ain't having it and he runs interference. Loy tries to keep Jesse back with his pistol, but Jesse just spits the bullets right back at him. Despite all this, Loy manages to grab his kids and hightail to the ole family pickup to make their getaway. So now we go back to the Colton homestead. Apparently, Loy is a vet and he's got a bunch of medical equipment on cement blocks in the grain silo. He gives his boy a full blood transfusion and actually succeeds in curing him of his vampirism! But Jesse and the other future Jerry Springer guests don't cotton much to one of the good ole boys takin' their darlin' Caleb away from them. So they mosey on down to the ranch and kidnap Sarah in order to lure Caleb to them. Mae discovers that Caleb is human again. Now Caleb has to go and rescue his sister. Caleb steals an eighteen-wheeler and begins trucking on down the interstate. Badass Severen stands in the middle of the badass road looking all bad ass. Caleb runs him over and pretty much makes a mess of Severen's badass face. But badass Severen survives and manages to climb his bad ass on top of the badass cab. But Caleb jackknifes the fucker and sends the whole rig into a spin. He jumps clear before it rolls over but Severen and his afore-mentioned bad ass die in the explosion. Now Caleb is back on the hunt for Sarah. Jesse, Diamondback and Homer corner him and get ready to sheep-shag him. DB throws a knife towards Caleb but the cowpoke manages to evade it allowing the blade to hit Jesse instead. This scene is actually kind of funny looking as you can see the look of shock on Diamondback's face. You almost expect her to scream, "My bad" even as Jesse is pulling the bloody knife out from between his fifth and sixth molars. But daylight is fast a'coming and it's time for these nighttime buckaroos to skedaddle. They hop into their car and prepare to take off. But by now, Mae has had a change of heart and finds that she can no longer follow Jesse and his cow-tipping crusade. Grabbing a heavy blanket, she dives out the back window of the car with Sarah. Homer is super-duper pissed and jumps out after them. Mae begins running towards Caleb with Sarah. She's feeling the heat, but the blanket is covering her up enough so that the sun doesn't completely scorch her. Dumbass Homer however has no such protection. He begins screaming out Sarah's name. Now as the pudgy little misanthrope stumbles down the road like a cast member from the Special Olympics version of West Side Story, he bursts into flame and explodes in a Bon-Jovi inspired blaze of glory. Later hombre. Now Jesse and Diamondback spin the car around and prepare to run Caleb and Mae down as their last ditch effort to whoop a little ass. Jesse pretty much knows that he is fucked by this point, as there is no place for him to go where he can evade the sunlight. As the car put-puts along, Diamondback and he burst into flame. So now we come to the epilogue. Caleb and Sarah bring Mae back to the farmhouse where Loy administers the same blood transfusion to her that he did for Caleb. Mae is completely HUMAN now and Caleb and she can live happily ever after. Acting/Dialogue: There are only two recognizable names in this flick and that's Lance Henriksen and Bill Paxton. Both of which are true to form in their respective roles. Henriksen plays the part of gruff gravely-voice macho-muchacho Jesse to a T. Paxton is great as the wild-eyed quasi-retarded nutter Severen. Jenny Wright has one purpose in the role of Mae and that is to act cute. In this she succeeds 100%. Mae is so sugary sweet that even Gary Busey would suffer a toothache from it. Adrian Pasdar doesn't necessarily suck in the role of Caleb, but I guess there's only but so much you can do with a character as mind-numbingly bland as this one. Fans of Full Moon Entertainment might jit their drawers when they find that Caleb's pa is played by none other than Tim "Jack Deth" Thomerson of Trancers fame. (Actually I just wanted to plug 'Jack Deth' cause I think that is hands down the coolest fucking name in all of movie history.) Gore: Pretty standard fare really. The bar scene is probably the goriest this film has to offer. The death-by-spur moment is without a doubt the highlight of the film. We also get to see what it's like for Vampires who want to try sunbathing as an extracurricular activity. Severen gets pretty messy looking towards the end. Overall, the gore isn't incredibly misplaced and it is tastefully executed (pun intended). Guilty Pleasures: A vampire movie without boobies is like…well… it's like a vampire movie without boobies. But then, I guess there had to be at least ONE out there eh? The Good: Now level with me here hombres. When it comes to Lance Henriksen: Is he or is he NOT the coolest most badass honkey mo-fo to ever grace celluloid? This guy makes ugly look GOOD! If Bruce Campbell is the king of horror, then Lance is definitely the Duke. If you dig Lance Henriksen then check him out in Aliens, Man's Best Friend and Pumpkinhead (Or the now extinct Fox TV show Millennium if you can find it). Coincidentally enough, the three main heavies from Near Dark (Henriksen, Goldstein and Paxton) also star together in the 1986 James Cameron classic Aliens. They play Bishop, Vasquez and Hudson respectively. Near Dark is the movie that started the whole south-western vampire trend imitated in such films as From Dusk Till Dawn, Vampire$ and The Forsaken. This is the one vampire film that actually succeeds in NOT being a vampire film. If you watch closely you will notice that the word 'vampire' is never uttered once throughout the entire movie. Also take note of the fact that none of the vamps have any real fangs to speak of either. I'm not sure what director Kathryn Bigelow was going for with this, but I thought it was a curious and unique omission to say the least. Throughout the 1980s, the American vampire mythos saw its first major evolution in almost fifty years. Beginning with the Lost Boys and extending through to Fright Night, Vamp, Near Dark and several others, we have slowly shorn off the traditions of yesterday's vampire. This avante garde movement permanently buried the concept of the Count Chocula vampire. Vampires were no longer romanticized decadent gothic euro-trash gentlemen. They weren't polite, and they were certainly not very fucking pretty either. The 'new' vampire is very Americanized and in your face. They are ugly, they are rude and they have questionable hygiene. Near Dark is also one of the first films to illustrate the bi-sanguineous relationship between the vampire elder and their young. Prior to this era, a vampire drank from his victims three times until they died. Three nights after their first death, they would rise from the grave as a vampire. But Near Dark borrows heavily from the Anne Rice mythos in that the vampire must now offer its own blood to his or her victim after feeding from them. This nuance has become something of a staple in vampire lore from this point forward. Almost all vampire movies now use this method of transformation. I see Near Dark as a somewhat transitional movie. It is certainly a 'new' vampire movie but we can easily see how it begins to cross the bridge from popular 80s brand flavor to the saucy pulp flicks of the 1990s. It's a rich, slick, stylish film and its influence on the genre is being felt even today. The Bad: Maybe I'm the weird one, but I just don't pop the same boner for this flick that everyone else does. Don't get me wrong, Near Dark is way cool, but I think it does occasionally receive some unwarranted praise. But despite all of that, there really is very little that I can find in this film in the way of criticism. I suppose my biggest fault with Near Dark is that it isn't risky ENOUGH. It already goes to great lengths to paint an entirely different picture of the vampire genre, but I think it still plays it sort of close to the vest. This is the type of thing where the director should have shown us just how big, meaty and hairy her balls really are (Okay…I admit…that was kind of gross, but you get my point). The blood should have been chunkier, the fights should have been more intrusive, and the sexual tension should have been steamier. If you are trying to do something revolutionary with a mythos, then I say go freebasing. Slap your balls on the block. Pull out all the stops. Put some stink on it. Make this party the best dang tootenest rodeo ya ever did see! Because of that, I find that Near Dark is a film that only skates the periphery of greatness. I also had trouble getting behind the character of Caleb. He just bored the ever-loving shit out of me. He had zero charisma and you quickly grow tired of his bellyaching. He's a flannel wearing pig-porking spurs a janglin' good ole boy for Christ's sakes! He should be tougher than this! Maybe he doesn't get enough fiber in his diet. I bet Hank Williams Jr. wouldn't act like such a goddamn pussy-boy. I also had a bit of trouble with the ending. Now I think the blood transfusion bit was a cool idea…for Caleb. Caleb was a new vampire and hasn't really adapted to the kill-or-be-killed psychology. Because of this, my suspension of disbelief allows for the idea that his pa could give him a full plasma overhaul thus curing him of his vampirism. But Mae on the other hand? Nah. That dog don't hunt. The film establishes that Mae has been a vampire for a few years now. She is a walking corpse. Her body has completely replaced all of its organs and fluids with extra dense muscle. She doesn't breath because she has no lungs. She doesn't eat food because she has no stomach to contain it. I'm fairly certain she doesn't have to take a shit either. These are basic vampire fundamentals and they're damn near immutable. There is no way that I can plausibly see how a blood transfusion would bring her back to life. If this is the case…then why stop there? Hell, hop on down to the morgue or the funeral parlor or the country coroner's office or Uncle Jeb's biscuit barbeque shoppe and practice on the locals. Bring em all back! Ole Loy may have inadvertently found the cure for death itself! Yeeee-haw! Near Dark is a cool little flick that is definitely worthy of at least two viewings. People who haven't seen a lot of vampire movies will highly dig it, whereas veterans seeing this movie for the first time (like me) probably won't be that impressed by it. Great Lines: "I'll shoot your pecker off boy!" -Severen shouting during the motel raid. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be a big man on the inside and have a small body on the outside?" -Homer whinging to Severen. "You are soooo fucking boo-ti-ful and your husband is soooo fucking stupid." -Car-jacker speaking to Diamondback. "The last sound that you'll hear on your way to Hell, is your guts snapping like a bull-whip." -Jesse to Caleb. Overall Rating: 7 out of 10 severed heads |
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