| Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens Released: 1922 MPAA Rating: None Genre: Vampire Nuts and Bolts: The first ever mainstream version of Bram Stoker’s famous vampire Dracula. You know the deal. Some foreign fuck decides to come on over to some other guy’s country spreading death and disease and the only thing he leaves behind is some crackpot with a penchant for eating bugs. Typical. Summary: All right, before I go any further lets get one thing straight. This film was originally directed by F.W. Murnau and contains a completely German cast of characters. Now the version that I have uses names borrowed from Bram Stoker’s Dracula. So for the ease of this review I am going by the Stoker names rather than the original German ones. Besides, I can’t sprecken ze doitch anyway. For the benefit of our Nordic cousins, I will provide the cast name change over so as to make sure we are all on the same page. (By the way, the Americanized version misspells the lead male as Jonothon. I’ve taken the liberty here by correcting that mistake. Aren’t I a peach?) German Character Stoker Character Graf Orlok Count Dracula Knock Renfield Hutter Jonathan Harker Ellen Hutter Nina Harker Seine Schwester Lucy Westenra Bulwar Van Helsing The story of Nosferatu is revealed through the diary of historian Johann Cavallius. It takes place in Berman in the year 1838. First we meet Jonathan Harker and his wife Nina. Yes, her name is NINA in this version rather than Mina. Jonathan and Nina are very much in love and they live in a cute little cottage where they sing, dance, pick flowers, make merry and enjoy the occasional bout of dueling bedsprings. Now Jonathan is a solicitor, which in this day and age is a fancy term for real estate agent. He works for a fat little pusbag named Renfield (Who kind of looks like my boss, but that’s another matter entirely). Now something is already kind of off-kilter with Renny as we first see him obsessing over a parchment with strange symbols and gibberish written all over it. Jonathan walks in and Renfield quickly hides the papers. In a dashing display of the time honored game of “Change the fucking subject”, Renfield tells Johnny that he is sending him to Transylvania to broker a deal with an eccentric Romanian nobleman known as Dracula. Now Johnny wants to get a head in the world so he naturally agrees. Before the fat little turd can even squeeze off a mutton-fart, Jonathan is out the door and across the street packing his bags. Nina learns of her husband’s pending trip and a feeling of grave anxiety overwhelms her. She really doesn’t want her hubby to go to Transylvania. Before he leaves, he leaves Nina in the care of their neighbors Mister and Missus Westenra. So like Willie Nelson says, it’s time to get on the road again. Jon does the ole carriage ride bit with a quick layover in a ramshackle village populated by your average everyday gypsy tribe. Like MOST people with the last name of Harker, he makes the mistake of dropping Dracula’s name. Everyone in the local inn naturally casts a wary eye on our poor German solicitor. He basically tells everyone to sod off and heads up to his room. Before retiring Jonathan comes upon a strange book on the night table. (Now you wacky little hooligans, I’m not talking about Gideon’s Bible). But rather a hearty tome entitled “Book of Vampires.” Sure. Makes sense to me. Every Slavic community from Budapest to Crockoshitistan should have a book detailing the dos and don’ts of vampirism at their bedside. Anyway, Johnny learns of the Hungarian term for Vampire, which is of course Nosferatu. Like any good European worth his salt, he thinks its all bullshit and blindly casts the book aside. Later that evening, horses from outside the inn are spooked by some unseen phantom lurking about outside. Brrrrrr. Gives me chills just thinking about it. Actually they were probably just running from the smell of some dirtbag gypsy taking a crap in the woods. It doesn’t really matter however as Jonathan is now fast asleep. The following evening he prepares to move on and is greeted by a strange looking coachman who agrees to take him across the Borgo Pass. Now you and I both know that this rather curious looking coachman is none other than Dracula himself, but sadly our hero is none the wiser. They eventually arrive at castle Dracula and Jon exits the carriage. He is greeted at the door by the good count himself. Dracula shows him in and makes him dinner. But during the meal Jonathan cuts his finger with the business end of a steak knife. It takes all the willpower that Drac can muster to keep from going down on him like Jacko to a twelve-year-old. Jonathan is beginning to suspect that the good count might be a little strange. He falls asleep by the far and remains there the rest of the evening. Now the following evening, Drac and Jonathan get down to business. Drac purchases some spacious living quarters in Bremen, which exist (coincidentally enough) right across the street from Jonathan’s crib! And if THAT isn’t enough to give our real estate agent hives, he gets even more perturbed when he notices Drac admiring a photograph of Johnny’s old lady Nina. Later that evening, Dracula begins stalking Jonathan all throughout the castle. He leaves Johnny boy alone long enough to return to his coffin before daybreak. Jonathan follows him down and removes the lid from the coffin. He is completely freaked out to discover that not only is Drac an ass-ugly bald freako with questionable dental hygiene, but he’s a VAMPIRE to boot. Good thing he’s got that handy dandy Book of Vampires. Now back in Bremen, Nina is having troublesome dreams. For reason not unexplained she dreams of her husband’s plight and awakens with a start. Naturally she tells Lucy and Doctor Westenra but they’re completely useless. Meanwhile, Dracula prepares for his travel to Bremen. At super vampire speed he packs up several coffins filled with native soil and books passage on the Demeter. Jonathan meanwhile manages to escape from the castle. Aboard the Demeter, Dracula transforms into a horde of rats and begin infesting the ship. The ship’s crew fears the plague and does what they can to stamp out the loathsome little rodents. Dracula materializes before the first mate and causes him to commit suicide by pitching his nasty ass over the side of the ship. The captain of the Demeter ties himself to the uhhh…err…steering wheel thingie in the vain hopes of maintaining course. (Okay so I don’t know the name of the big fucking wheel! I’m not Captain Nemo for Christ’s sake) Anyway, the point is the Demeter drifts into the harbor of Bremen. Nobody can explain why all of the crew is either dead or missing. After reading the Captain’s log, the townsfolk think that the plague has hit Bremen. Now about this time we discover that Renfield is actually under the thrall of the good count. Apparently the two had met at some point before, and his all-merciful baldness had used his powers of persuasion to seduce the crazy-eyed old coot. Renfield goes completely insane upon his master’s arrival and is committed to a sanitarium. But he doesn’t stay there for long however, as he decides to kill his keeper and escape. He runs down the street causing havoc until the townspeople corner him on a rooftop. They throw rocks at him until he flees into a nearby field. The angry villagers finally catch him and return him to the hospital. Now by this point, Jonathan has reunited with Nina. She finds his Book of Vampires and learns that only a woman with a pure heart can stay the vampire’s embrace. The vampire in question will be so smitten with the pure-hearted mistress that they will be transfixed until dawn. Good thing ole Drac’s not gay. So that night Nina goes to sleep and sure as shootin’ Dracula finds himself into her bedroom (Who the fuck knows where Jonathan is at. I guess he’s out shagging some local piece of tail). Anyway, Dracula puts the bite on her but he finds himself instantly transfixed. He tries backing away but before he knows it, he is standing before the window just as the rays of the rising sun poke through the window. He burns away and is gone forever. Acting/Dialogue: Okay, unless you’ve been living under a bloody rock for the past eighty years, you should know by now that the original Nosferatu is what we at Headhunter’s like to refer to as a ‘Silent Film’. Say it with me now. Siiiiiii-lennnnnt. Which means, there’s no friggin’ sound. So the actors would often over-accentuate their body gestures in order to convincingly convey emotion. That being said, a lot of silent classics really went overboard with the contorted faces and hand gestures. Not so with Nosferatu. Of all the old classics, Nossy seems to make use of the most naturalistic looking body language. Now I would be remiss if I were to comment on the acting qualities of this film without addressing Mister Max Schreck. Maxi-pad is of course the guy who brought the Nosferatu to the screen. Now maybe I’ve been watching Shadow of the vampire one too many times, but I truly believe that Schreck seriously was a real life shit-sucking vampire. There is no way that all of that could have simply been the work of some schmuck in latex. He has a cold impenetrable gaze that roots us to the spot and his movements are so rigid and mechanical that one actually believes that they are watching a real walking corpse. Now I don’t know dick-diddly-dildo about old time German actors, but I am hard pressed to believe that there could be anybody else that could have affected this role so masterfully. As for the dialogue…well, let’s just say that’s its not incredibly inspiring. Actually…it bloody sucks. But hey, what do you want? All of the actors’ scripts were scribbled down on bloody cue cards. We can’t very well expect the audience to read more than five sentences at a shot without falling into a lethargic malaise now can we? If you are familiar enough with the Dracula story, then you don’t really need to pay attention to the dialogue scenes. Just keep your eye on the stunning visuals, which I’m sure, is what F.W. Murnau intended. Gore: There’s no gore here. In fact, the only blood we see is when Jonathan cuts his finger on the steak knife. Clumsy prat. Guilty Pleasures: Aww man there are titties EVERYWHERE! You hear me! I said TITTIES! Big titties, small titties, saggy titties, robust titties. There are women in this film who are COMPLETELY made out of tits. And if you believe that, then I got some crucifix shavings to sell you. Cheap! But aside from my bullshitting, there is a moment where the actress playing Nina becomes rather amused with fondling her own breast. Shortly afterwards, we see the shadow of Dracula’s hand reach down over her boob and grasp at it. Nina begins moaning in exultation. No, I’m actually being serious here. He does. It’s kinda kinky in a pathetic and somewhat humorous sort of a way. The Good: What is it about Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens that makes it so enduring? I don’t suppose there’s any simple answer to that question. But it is most likely one of the most successful forms of impressionistic art one is liable to see in the modern era. Director Friedrich Wilhelm Murnau makes is a predator with the camera and the way he manipulates light and shadow one might be inclined to think that he is a bit of a vampire himself. Murnau doesn’t manipulate his audience so much as he whispers into their ear what it is that they should be feeling. There is a sense of dread and apathy that pervades every movement. But no amount of praise can be heaped upon this classic without speaking of the title character Count Dracula. Murnau concentrates lighting upon Dracula’s face making look as if he is made of sculpted marble. But his body melds into the shadows giving him a truly wraithlike appearance. And I suppose that is the best way to describe the bulk of this film; wraithlike. As each scene irises from one to the other Max Schreck’s deathly gaze permeates the air and haunts our conscious. Now what makes Schreck’s treatment of the Dracula character different is that this is not your Bela Lugosi inspired handsome aristocrat. Nosireebob. This Dracula is uglier than a bag full of assholes. He’s bald, skinny, androgynous, and he’s got an overbite that would even scare Gary Busey away. On top of the atmosphere and Schreck’s performance, I should give props to the production design. Everything is shot on location and I refuse to believe that any kind of set design was used at all. Dracula’s castle battlements are hauntingly eerie, and all the shots on the Demeter are unbelievably breathtaking. Now as I understand it, certain re-releases of Nosferatu contain updated film scoring. I haven’t heard any of these so I can’t speak out on them. But if your copy is the original music-less version I would recommend viewing it to Christopher Young’s demonic scores from the Hellraiser soundtrack. I have found that these pieces synch really well with the scene structure from Nosferatu. Combined, they make for a truly awesome movie watching experience. The Bad: Okay, as I mentioned before this a silent film, which means there is no sound. This may turn some people off. If that is the case, then I would recommend that you check out Werner Herzog’s 1979 remake entitled Nosferatu, Phantom der Nacht. That one has got all the color and sound that you can possibly handle. But if you don’t mind silent films, then this won’t present that much of a hurdle. There are two characters involved with this flick that really fall short of reaching their goals. The first is Renfield. At no point are we given any substantial information about this loser. When did he first meet Dracula? How long has he been under his control? If he was under Dracula’s thumb then why didn’t he go to Transylvania himself instead of sending Harker? And why did he just suddenly go mad? As much screen time as this eerie little troll received he really contributed fuck all to this picture. Another useless bag of flesh was the character of Professor Van Helsing. No at this point you’re probably scratching your head and thinking, “Wait a minute. I didn’t read anything about no Van Helsing chap in the summary!” Well, that’s because he contributed even less to this flick than Renfield did. He appears once giving a lecture about Venus flytraps and we don’t see him again until the last leg of the film. Even then he becomes completely useless. They call him in to observe Nina’s illness, but by the time he arrives Nina has already survived Dracula’s seduction. We also aren’t given a very clear motivation behind Dracula himself. We have no idea why he decides to leave Transylvania for Bremen. Nor are we ever given any scope as to why he is subjecting the town to a plague of rats. The way I see it, his monkey ass would have been better served had he stayed at home. In the long run, Nosferatu isn’t a movie that centers around plot or character. It is an artistic work that focuses on depth and shadow and the uncanny ability to send chills down our spine while making us believe that there might just actually BE something dark and sinister hiding beneath our beds late at night. Great Lines: “Blood. Your precious blood.” – Nosferatu speaking to Jonathan after he cuts his finger. Overall Rating: 7 out of 10 severed heads. |
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