| Passion Of The Christ, The Released: 2004 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Children's Movie Nuts And Bolts: The Jews kick the shit out of Christ. And we spend the rest of eternity making fun of them because of it. Summary: You all know the tale. Some people even claim that it is "the greatest story ever told". Well, I don't know about greatest, but its definitely the most famous - right next to the "Cartman's Hate Crime" episode of South Park. It basically goes like this: Jesus is taking a leak after the last supper while Peter and the other apostles are still wandering around the woods six sheets to the wind. But that wily Judas Iscariot tells the Jewish hierarchy (known as the Pharisees) where that heretic Jesus is hanging out. The Jews are pissed because apparently Jesus has been walking around proclaiming himself to be the son of God. So the Pharisees give Judas thirty pieces of silver and an autographed 8x10 glossy of Paris Hilton. Those hot-blooded Hebrews ambush Jesus and begin to kick the shit out him. They bring him before Pontius Pilate, who is the Roman governor of this area of Judea. But Pontius doesn't want anything to do with Jesus and tells the Jews to piss off. But the Pharisees are pretty fucking adamant. They want Jesus brought up on charges of heresy and they want Pilate to do all sorts of sick shit to him. So Pilate takes the guy and tells his guards to "interrogate" him. Now, maybe something got lost in the Aramaic translation, because where I come from - interrogation means you sit a bloke down in front of a wooden table in a small room with a 100 watt desk lamp pointed in his face and ask him about where he was on the night of July 8th. Not so in Judea. Nope, Judean justice demands that you tie a guy to a vertical wooden pole outside and proceed to bludgeon the tar out of him with steel-barbed whips until he squeals like a little girl. Now Jesus, being the son of God and all, refuses to submit to the brow-beating and admit that he is NOT in fact the Messiah. Pilate offers Jesus' blood-soaked body to the Pharisees, but do you think these guys are satisfied? Nope. Apparently thirty lashes isn't good enough for these sick fucks. Instead, they demand that he be paraded through the streets while carrying his own cross - all the way up to Golgotha where he is then going to be stapled to the damn thing and bled dry like a deer on a hook. And that's pretty much what happens. A big entourage is formed including spectators with belly-paint and blocks of cheese-shaped foam on their heads to watch Jesus walk down the street carrying this heavy-ass cross. Of all the people to show up for this gala spectacle only ONE of them proves to not be a total loser, and even helps the guy carry his burden (for all the good it does). The Romans then lay JC onto the flat of the cross and nail his hands and feet into it. They hoist the thing up and plant it in between two other poor shmucks who likewise are crucified upon their own respective pieces of wood. Next comes the sing-a-long. Eric Idle strikes up the tune and they all begin crooning, "Always look on the bright side of life"! There's also this bit with a crown of thorns and some dick named Longinus who sticks his spear into Christ's side - just for giggles. He screams for a while, then dies. Three days later, Jesus rises from the grave and gives us all the chance for redemption. And chocolate eggs. Almost forgot the chocolate eggs. Mmmmmm. Chocolate eggs. Acting/Dialogue: What acting? I suppose if you can call one guy shrieking bloody murder for two hours acting, then I guess this qualifies. That said, Jim Caviezel is quite an accomplished screamer. The pattern of his voice flows like sweet poetry as he artfully switches between cries of anguish and a piercing, raspy wail of exorbitant pain. Sometimes he shuffles back and forth between the two, often raising his pain-wracked sobs by an octave at the exact moment when the situation calls for it. I was particularly impressed when he peppered his shrieking with the throaty sounds of gurgling as blood began collecting in his lungs. All told, a masterful performance from a professional screamer. Rock on brotha. Gore: Oh, my brothers. If you are the sort who cares little for plot and prefers your horror movies to be nothing more than over-the-top, balls-to-the-wall, gratuitous, gore-fests - then this is DEFINITELY the movie for YOU! When it comes to no-holds-barred gore, Mel Gibson is a bloody genius! Even Lucio Fulci is rising from his grave to proffer forth the gentleman's golf-clap in honor of Sir Mel. Even horror movie maestros such as Wes Craven, Clive Barker and Tobe Hooper are getting down on their knees to lick at the glistening scrotal sack of Pope Mel the First. Not only is the gore realistic and viscerally jarring - but its non-stop. Once you get past the first fifteen minutes or so of the movie, it literally becomes a bloodbath! Over and hour's worth of non-stop slicing, dicing, chopping, gouging and arterial spray aplenty! If you sick droogies are into that wacky shit…then the Passion DELIVERS! Praise the lord! Guilty Pleasures: No nudity. And in point of fact, I actually found that to be the more disturbing act of this film. Here you have Monica Bellucci, arguably one of the hottest pieces of ass in the entire world portraying Mary Magdalene -arguably, the world's most famous whore. And she does NOT take her top off! Not even a length of leg, or a hambone. What the shit is that? I'm sorry, but personally, I was offended. The Good: Mel Gibson has done what no other movie producer has ever been able to do. He created a cheesy, unrealistic, gore-heavy exploitation flick and made it palatable for mainstream audiences. Movies such as Peter Jackson's Dead-Alive would have NEVER made it into major theaters, but Sir Mel's living miracle has been selling out movie houses from Provo, Utah all the way to the Vatican. And people are LOVING it! Parents are bringing their children from miles around just so they can watch Jesus get the ever-loving snot beat out of him. Do you guys understand what a breakthrough this is? It means that from now and forever more, NO person who has sat through and stomached the Passion of the Christ, can EVER AGAIN complain that the horror genre is NOT a legitimate art form because of its penchant for gratuitous gore. The next time I rent Bride of Re-Animator and the snotty bitch with the hairlip behind the counter at the video store rolls her eyes at me, I can simply say, "Hey, whore! It was good enough for Jesus!" The Bad: Okay, for the remainder of this review, I'm going to do something that is rather unheard of here at Headhunter's. I'm going to set aside my acidic, sarcastic, cynical nature and speak to you from the heart. I remember reading the Internet scuttlebutt from early '04 when rumors were abounding of a controversial Mel Gibson production known at the time simply as, The Passion. I scanned through a few Entertainment Weekly articles and read some fluff about how the Jews were all pissed off because Mel was making them look bad because they killed Jesus. But I cast all of that aside believing it to be little more than the early warning klaxons of overly sensitive alarmists. I also recall all of the silliness that took place when Christian Conservatives began propping the Passion up as their mouthpiece against the liberal-minded contender, Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11. A splash of irrelevance with just a pinch of retardation. Comparing the Passion to Fahrenheit makes about as much sense as comparing apples to butt-sex. Again, nothing but the bleating of the converted. I would have none of it. Now, as you may have guessed, I do not come from a proper Christian upbringing. Nor do I subscribe to the tenants or practices of the faith in question. I don't necessarily believe that Jesus was the son of God, and I most certainly do not believe that Mary went through life without knowing the loving touch of a man-hammer inside of her - at least once. So, with open eyes I decided to view this film from a completely objective standpoint. Prior to watching it, I was given the impression that Mel Gibson's purpose behind this movie was to stress the importance that Christ's death meant to the world at large. After all, he keeled for our sins did he not? For the first time since Genesis, people now had possibility of redemption laid before them. Yes, even an ass-smear like me could now get into Heaven. His death even did away with that pesky original sin nonsense. Pretty cool, eh? Sometimes a person fails to truly appreciate something unless it is presented to them in a visceral and oftentimes ugly vehicle. Did any of us truly appreciate what the Holocaust was all about prior to Spielberg making Schindler's List? Maybe a little. But there's a big difference between reading a watered down, sanitized version of the account in a high school history book and actually watching people being beaten and humiliated and ultimately killed. Initially, I thought the Passion of the Christ was to serve a similar function. I was wrong. The Passion of the Christ is the product of a sick and diseased mind. This movie is most definitely NOT about stressing the value of salvation through sacrifice. It is about getting your rocks off watching the king of the Jews get filleted like a side of beef. It's the re-enactment of a snuff film that was never made. It is so overly gratuitous that its popularity, quite frankly, boggles the mind. People are out there singing the praises of this movie. NewsMax magazine frequently prostrates itself upon the altar of Mel Gibson. Christians are coming out of the movie theater looking as if they personally witnessed Our Lady of Fatima. Even that primadona fuckface Jerry Fallwell is gushing over Gibson's triumph. Let me say it again for the devout: This shit is fucking SICK! Seriously, I am probably the least religious bastard on the planet and even I was offended by this movie. Of all the things Mad Max could've done, he chose to make this. He could have opted to make a movie that celebrated Christ's life or his teachings, but instead gave us this…this…head cheese! And people are lapping it up and offering tithe to the church of St. Mel. Amazing! I'm sure a sequel is in the works. I can see it now, "Passion II: The Second Coming!" And let me speak on this anti-Semitism idiocy that has been lurching over this flick. The movie is NOT anti-Semitic. A bunch of Hebrews got together and decided that it would be cool to sit around and get offended because Mel Gibson is showing the Jewish culture in something a bit less than a glorious light. Look guys, lighten up. If you recall, nobody really came out of that movie smelling like a rose. Anti-Semitism is a popular phrase that gets tossed around for purposes of shock value. But in case anyone missed out, here's the actual definition of it, courtesy of dictionary.com. an·ti-Sem·ite ( n t -s m t , n t -) n One who discriminates against or who is hostile toward or prejudiced against Jews. Now, its not Anti-Semitic for Mel Gibson to show the Jews doing something that they actually did. Y'all killed Jesus! Get over it. And Jews aren't the only ones that are frothing at the mouth. Christians need to get over that shit as well. Getting angry at the Jews for killing Christ is like getting mad at your dog because he decided to shit outside rather than on the living room floor. Imagine what would have happened if they didn't kill Jesus. He probably would have just continued preaching his word, only to be picked up as a vagrant, drifter and thrown in a loony bin for the rest of his life, where the only ears to hear his word would come from those whose collective ships left the harbor ages ago. But thanks to the Jews, he got to fulfill his own destiny and bring salvation to the masses. Christians ought to be thanking the fucking Jews for providing them with their groovy Messiah. I'm sure that if I were on Golgotha that day, I would hear Jesus' last words to be, "Lighten thy fuck up!" It doesn't really matter though I guess, because the movie that all of these people are getting so worked up over, both Hebe and non-Hebe alike, is a vile, malignant, mean-spirited, shallow piece of manipulative cock-trash. My wife won't even watch this movie. And she watches Pooty Tang! I feel like I am obligated to be offended for the benefit of those who are too stupid to be offended for themselves. Please tell me I'm not the only one that feels this way. Please tell me that I am not the sole voice of reason in a sea of madness. Please tell me that I am not the lonely shepherd forever tending his flock. Please tell me that I am not the stranger in the strange land. Please tell me when I have thoroughly exhausted my supply of corny clichés. In closing, I have an open question that I feel I must put forward to all Christians, and it is simply this: What in the name of sweet black cancerous bloody fuck is WRONG with you people? Great Lines: "AAAAAGHHHH! GARGGHH! AAAAIIIIGGHHH!!!! Aww shit that fucking hurts! Make it stop. ARRGHHHHHH!!!! Please, make it….SHIT…st-st-stop! Why have you forsaken…OWWWWW! Damn that smarts! Stop it already!" -Jesus "J-Money? Yeah, he's out back in the crib with the other eleven homies. Ya got my bling?" - Judas Iscariot. "Jesus? Nope. Never heard of the nigga." -St. Petey Overall Rating: 2 out of 10 dead messiahs. |
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