Rating System

Ten Severed Heads: This movie fucking rocks! Horror movie Nirvana! This movie is way better than that piece of shit A Beautiful Mind! How come it didn’t get an Oscar? I routinely masturbate upon and sacrifice a hundred oily virgins in the name of this film! I have the cast and crew credits tattooed on my ass! I own triplicate copies of both film and soundtrack on VHS, DVD AND laserdisc! Only the cream of the crop gets the highly coveted Ten-head score. This rating is usually given to films that supercede all expectations. Films that have great plotlines, intense music, creepy atmosphere, and phenomenal acting will get this score. (And a healthy dose of blood-n-boobies won’t hurt either.) There are very few films that get a rating of a ten. These are films that are so great that even its inherent flaws can be easily ignored for the sake of the overwhelming accomplishments this film has achieved.

Nine Severed Heads: It’s not the brass ring, but its still ahead of the pack. Most films of truly epic proportions will fall into this category. These include films that are timeless and contain equal measures of drama, angst, horror, and so forth and so on. Films that contribute greatly to the genre will fall into this category as well. I’d sooner cut an inch off my miserable slimy dick than part ways with films of this quality.

Eight Severed Heads: It may be the bronze, but these films are still very high on the re-watchability scale. The bulk of famous/trend setting films will likely fall into this category. I would gladly sacrifice at least fifty virgins in the name of films like this.

Seven Severed Heads: These are usually films that are very good but contain one or two inherent flaws that knock it down from the Top-3 categories. Usually these are films that start off strong and keep you interested until the final lap when the producers run out of money. Or maybe it’s a really scary flick that only falters due to the efforts of one particularly shitty actor. No virgins or tattoos needed for these, but I don’t think anyone would begrudge you the slaying of a small kitten if it meant coming one step closer to owning a copy of one of these flicks.

Six Severed Heads: Just like the seven rating, but these films usually contain more down-notes. These are usually films that have the potential to be GREAT films but somehow get disjointed somewhere in the middle. The upper echelon of exploitation films will likely crest these heights.

Five Severed Heads: Most of your splatterhouse films will probably fall into this category. A rating of five usually denotes a film that is pretty decent, but not very high on the re-watchability scale. This is right about the point where the producers begin favoring style over substance.

Four Severed Heads: Typically these are films that aren’t really that good, but they contain little pearls of greatness that make them bearable. Now we’re really delving into the exploitation or guilty pleasure type of flicks. Films with copious amounts of gore or T&A may find themselves elevated from a four to a five or six depending upon their style. Most of these flicks come from the ‘Straight-to-Video’ aisle at your local store.

Three Severed Heads: This is just a bad film. Weak plot, weak directing and shitty acting. Even the gore is fake looking and dramatic horror is all but absent. Sometimes a decent enough actor or actress might be able to save this one from becoming a total shit-festival.

Two Severed Heads: This film fucking sucks! Holy Christ, this is some awful stuff! These movies are usually low budget schlock films made by film students who think they’re going to be the next Stanley Kubrick. Whereas films that are a 3 or a 4 may have one or two glaring errors in it, door #2 is usually where you will find the worst of the worst. Cheap looking gore, an empty plot, shallow directing, wooden acting and all the other things that put the B in Bad.

One Severed Head: The lowest of the low. Unfortunately, there are many many films that fall into this rating. I’m talking about the most amateurish God awful cheap-ass droplets of donkey cum that has ever been spilled. These are the films that are so bad you can’t even finish watching them. These are the ones that are usually made on a budget of about five bucks and involve acting that makes even the worst voice-over actor from a Godzilla re-dub worthy of an Oscar nomination. These are the films you would sooner shove up your ass sideways with Vaseline rather than desecrate the holy home theater with them. Beware these movies, for they are plentiful and they are within reach. You can usually spot them by their perky looking video boxes, which typically boasts a hologram of some sort, similar to what you would find in a box of cracker-jacks. Do NOT be fooled! Just because the packaging may be pretty, don’t think for a second that the contents will match. The producers probably spent more money on the cover art than they did on the actual film. These worthless pieces of shit almost NEVER reach the actual cinema and are typically distributed straight-to-video. Christ, I wish some of these hacks would distribute them straight-to-incinerator. Don’t feel bad though if you find yourself exposed to one of these mindless shit carnivals. It happens to the best of us. Just quickly dispose of the movie by any means necessary and then make an appointment to see your psychiatrist so that he can put you under hypnosis and make you forget the entire experience. In the immortal words of Adam West, “Life’s to short to be watching crap.”