| Slumber Party Massacre Released: 1982 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Slasher Nuts and Bolts: A demented serial killer stalks a teenage slumber party armed with a high-powered drill. Summary: We start off with eighteen-year-old Trish Devereaux. Trish gets up in the morning flashes her tits and preens in the mirror to the audience's delight. Then Trish and her tits go outside where we find Mister and Missus Devereaux preparing to leave for the weekend. Trish and her tits take out the garbage and the camera focuses on a discarded Barbie doll left in the trash. But enough about that, it is now time for Trish and her tits to go to school. At the local high school, we find Neil and Jeff. These two are your typical 80s geeks complete with turned up collars, and Geranimals shirts. (Did anything COOL ever come out of the 80s?) Jeff and Neil hit on Mary who has a really nice butt. Mary and her butt work for the local electric company. Jeff flirts with her but Mary and her butt politely brush him off. As the teens enter the building, Mary and her butt go back to the work van. Inside the van is escaped serial killer Russ Thorn. Russ attacks Mary as well as her big fat butt and skewers both of them with a large high-powered cement drill. This is Russ' weapon of choice, and he will use it throughout the bulk of the film. Lets get back to Trish and her tits shall we? Trish and her tits are part of the High School varsity Breastketball team. Coach Rachel Jana toots her whistle and everyone goes flailing about trying to slam the ball in to the hole. But this only lasts a few moments and then it's off to the showers. Yes, once again Trish and her tits carry the bulk of the scene. But don't worry; there are a lot of tits floating around. Here we meet Diane, Kimberly Clarke, Jackie and Valerie Bates. They all have tits too. Trish and her tits invite Diane, Kim and Jackie over for a slumber party that night. T & T wonders if she should invite Valerie. Diane is against the idea since Val is the 'new' girl, and they kind of turn their nose down at that. Trish and her tits decide to invite her anyway. Unfortunately, Valerie overheard the disparaging remarks made about her by Kim and Diane. She politely turns down the offer. Trish and her tits are upset because she knows that Valerie overheard them. So now its time for the Tit-Patrol to leave school. One of the group, Linda realizes that she forgot an important book and goes back inside to find it. She putzes about a bit at her locker until guess who shows up? No, it's not a tit per se, but it IS a bug-eyed serial killer with a power drill! Russ skewers the drill into Linda's arm and she takes off running. He finally tracks her down to the shower room where he finishes her off. Buh-bye Linda. Meanwhile, Trish and her tits finally make it home. But Hark! She hears a noise coming from the other room! Could it be our bloodthirsty killer? Nah. Its actually just David Contant, the flaky next-door neighbor. Mom and Pop Devereaux asked Contant to keep an eye on their little titling while they were away. While T and T is rapping with Contant, Diane, Jackie and Kim show up. They have a six pack of beer holstered to each hip and Kim flaunts a bag of pot in front of Trish and her tits. T&T tries to keep them quiet because they don't realize that Contant is still in the house. He walks in just as Kim is bragging about her bag of herb. He doesn't really seem to care that much though. Contant leaves and goes back home. Now while the girls are all sitting around drinking beers and smoking weed, we turn to Valerie. Valerie lives next door as well. Valerie is still kind of stewed about the whole slumber party thing. What's worse is that she has to baby-sit her pain in the ass fifteen-year-old sister Courtney. Courtney is a complete loser and does little more than bitch and winge throughout the whole flick. Valerie thinks she hears a noise coming from outside. She goes to investigate but it seems to be little more than a knocked over trashcan. Neil and Jeff meanwhile have heard about the slumber party and decide to spy on them. They pop a few cold ones and sit outside the window as Trish and the gang take off their tops showing off their…yep, you guessed it. Their tits. Now they are all wearing skimpy little nightshirts and such, but for some reason these dumb bitches can't figure out why they are so cold. Trish's tits ask Diane to go out into the garage to get some firewood. After all, it makes a helluva lot more sense to start the fireplace up then it does to put on a pair of pants right? Diane goes outside and who should be skulking about but Mister Contant. They wax poetic concerning the nature of slugs and Diane goes back inside. Contant turns around to return home and ends up with a drill in his gut. Thar's anudda one down. Inside the house, Trish and her tits look out the window. She thinks she sees a man standing outside in the bushes. Despite the marijuana clouding her perceptions, she appears to be correct! Ole Russ Thorn is sitting outside watching everything from a distance. What's more, he took her old Barbie doll out of the garbage and stuck it in the side of a tree! (What significance this has I have no idea.) Apparently everyone in town is staring through a different window at this slumber party. Weeee! Next thing you know, the lights crap out. So now, Trish's tits are starting to get a bit nervous. They drag Trish and the others along into the garage to check the fuse box. This is where tit #1 informs tit #2 that Diane forgot to lock the garage. Collectively the tits share quasi-consciousness with the uni-Trish mind. They inform her of this and Trish tells her friends that they better lock the garage. But wait! Trish and her tits hear a noise! Spinning around she throws out a punch that catches an unseen intruder right in the eye. But this just turns out to be Neil and Jeff. Little dickwads pulled out the fuses in order to play a joke on Trish's tits. Meanwhile, there's some nonsense going on at the other house with boring ass Valerie and her boring ass pain-in-the-sphincter sister Courtney. Girl hears noise. Girl checks on noise. Girl finds nothing afoul. Snooze. Yadda yadda yadda. While all that is going on, Diane's boyfriend John Minor pulls up. He wants to take Diane away from the party so that they can go fuck. John pulls into the garage and the two grope around a bit. (Yes, they even show Diane's tit.) Di decides that she's going to blow the slumber party in favor of blowing something else. She goes inside to tell the others that she's leaving. When she comes back into the garage she slides into the car next to John. Just as she puts her arms around him his bloody head falls off! Naturally Diane loses her mind. But I think this is more about frustration over the fact that John gives better head than she does. (Nyuk nyuk.) Diane begins running around until Russ comes up behind her and begins drilling. Inside the house, the girls patch up Jeff and order pizza. The doorbell eventually rings and they go to answer it. The Pizza boy is there holding an olive and mushroom pie except there's one small problem. He's FUCKING DEAD! Pizza boy falls over onto the floor. That's what you get for failing to deliver the pie in less than thirty minutes. Jackass. So now everyone starts freaking out again. They try to call the police but lo and behold, the phone lines are down. Jeff decides to try and make a break for it through the garage. There he finds the body of Diane slung across the rafters. Russ pops out and drills Jeff good and proper. Neil meanwhile, escapes through the backyard. He runs over to boring ass Valerie's house for help, but boring ass Valerie is too busy watching a boring ass movie to answer the boring ass door. Russ comes up behind him and saves him from a life of boredom by digging a drill bit into his spine. Nice job. Unfortunately he made enough noise that it finally aroused the attention of (yawn) Valerie and (yawn yawn) Courtney. Valerie and Courtney putter around a bit before deciding to go check out the Devereaux House. Meanwhile back at the Tit Temple, Jeff is still alive and scratching to get inside the front door. Russ runs up behind him though and finishes him off. Jackie hears the noise and goes to the front to investigate. No sooner does she open the door than Russ is standing there with his drill. One giant swipe later and Jackie falls upon the floor. Then he sneaks into an upstairs bedroom and kills Kimberly. He stuffs her inside the refrigerator. (Ya ever notice that ONLY people in movies have enough space in their fridge to hide an ENTIRE fucking corpse? Christ, I couldn't squeeze a cob of half-eaten corn into the available space in MY fridge. Maybe I should clean that fucker out one of these days.) Russ then goes chasing after Trish and her tits. Trish outsmarts the psychotic lunk by squeezing her tits into a garment bag in the closet. Valerie and Courtney decide to come over to the house finally. They search around downstairs not knowing that Russ is upstairs tit hunting. (Be werry werry qwiet. We're hunting tiddies! Huh-huhuhuhuhuhuh-huh.) Courtney opens the fridge to steal a beer and out falls Kimberly. She of course freaks out. Russ comes downstairs but Val and Courtney are hiding. He gets rid of the body of the pizza boy and lies down on the floor with a tarp pulled over his head. Guess he wanted to take a nap before finishing everyone off. For some reason, Coach Jana decides to come over as well. She enters the front door and sees the house in disarray. She pulls back the tarp and Russ leaps out to attack her. He revs up his drill and Jana grabs hold of a fire poker. They duel for a bit until Russ manages to walk by the coach that Courtney is hiding under. Courtney trips Russ up and Jana lays the beat down on him with the fire poker. Trish and her tits come racing downstairs with a knife and she plunges it into the villain's back while he is down. But Russ gets up and manages to skewer Coach Jana across the stomach. He's all set to carve Trish and her tits up for pot roast when out bursts Valerie. Valerie had been hiding in the basement, but now she is back and armed with a machete. Russ and she duel for a bit and she edges him out into the backyard near the pool. Believe it or not she actually manages to cut his obscenely long drill bit in half with the machete! (Okay, I'm talking about his murder weapon here, not his OTHER obscenely long drill bit. Get yer mind outta the gutter ya skank!) As Russ stares in shock, Valerie whacks him five or six times across the wrist hacking his hand off. He then falls backward into the pool. Trish and her tits run outside and everyone thinks that the danger is over. But Russ isn't done yet, nosireebob. He jumps out of the pool and begins beating the shit out of all three of them with one hand! He then leaps into the air intent on attacking Valerie. Val holds up the machete, which manages to disembowel him. Now the fucker is TRULY dead. And the tits lived happily ever after. Acting/Dialogue: The acting is fairly typical of most low budget early 80s slasher flicks. It's not abysmal, but its nothing to rave about either. The actresses in this actually remind me a bit of Jamie Lee Curtis' bimbo friends from the first Halloween. The dialogue can be a bit insipid at times, but it's bearable. Don't look for anything too advanced here folks. This is a slasher flick not Hamlet. Gore: Lets see. Almost all of the deaths come from the drill itself. Although sometimes he uses it as a slashing weapon which is kind of weird. Most of the gore is relegated to blood squibs and puncture wounds. Nothing really all that engaging here. The best scene is probably when Russ is looking down at his bloody severed hand stump. That was pretty cool. Guilty Pleasures: This movie was designed to be nothing more than one big guilty pleasure. There are plenty of gratuitous boob and butt shots. Almost all of the main female characters show off their rack at some point in the film. Although to be honest, there isn't nearly the amount of nudity that my summary may seem to imply. There are about five exposed pairs of boobs all told. (Although some of them are exposed multiple times) The Good: Gosh golly darn, what a kooky film! This is what exploitation films are all about folks. Nothing chases a cold beer better than a little wanton violence, some bullshit male posturing and the occasional fun bag. The plot line to this flick is practically nil. I pretty much summed the whole thing up in my Nuts and Bolts tagline. Now while many would find the lack of plot a detriment to a film like this, I would like to think that an actual storyline would only serve to cheapen the artistic exploitive quality of the flick. What makes a film like this a work of genius is the fact that it requires absolutely no effort at all to watch. This is a godsend to many males, because they often find themselves in a state of mind in which comprehending a picture on the idiot box that is longer than fifteen minutes proves to be a Herculean task. But that's the brilliance of Slumber Party Massacre. You do not have to concentrate ALL of you energy towards watching it. This is the type of flick you can watch while playing Parcheesi or doing laundry or getting a blowjob etc. All of this is made even more surprising by the fact that both the screenwriter and the director are both WOMEN! Amy Holden Jones and Rita May Brown have done more for the advancement of woman's rights than any of those Gloria Steinhem hugging, bra burning, tennis shoe wearing, bleeding heart liberal NOW bitches could ever hope to. Ya gotta love the power of woman. Rrowwl! Now that may make me sound like a back woods, wife-beating date-raping male chauvinistic pig/goat/horse/dog yadda yadda yadda…(choose your animal) but hey, I call em like I see em. This is a movie for GUYS! Make no mistake about that. At the end of the day, men and women alike have barely put a notch in their own evolutionary ladder. It seems like only yesterday that we were hanging from tree branches, pounding our chests and making pies out of shit. In the Darwinian scheme of things, time has barely passed at all. We may try and deny it. We may like to think of ourselves as being the embodiments of words such as 'cultured' and 'refined'. We can sit there and watch pretentious chunks of shit like Gosford Park or the fucking Piano and imagine that we are NOT barely one step ahead of the monkeys. Ultimately it's all a bunch of horseshit. Visionaries like Amy Holden Jones realize this and as such, she creates a film that caters to humanity's more baseline instincts; the instinct that tells us that there is no greater destiny in our future but to eat, fuck and kill. If Slumber Party Massacre teaches us anything, it teaches us that people spend too much of their borrowed time enraptured by a false sense of artistry and idol worship. We can ooh and ahh all we like over Leonardo DeCrapio or shed a tear whenever we watch the fucking boat sink, but ultimately the only thing that kept the fucker floating as long as it did was Celine Dion's refusal to stop singing My Fucking Heart Will Go Fucking On. If forced emotion and Hollywood inspired feel-good fluff is your bailiwick, then by all means; go for what you know. But if you want a film that is about honesty and integrity…check out Slumber Party Massacre. The Bad: "What's my motivation?" I'm sure that when they were doing screen tests for SPM this sort of noise was heard a lot. We have a villain that is not only short on words, but is also short on motive. All we really know about this turkey is that he killed five people in Venice California back in 1969. But we don't know why he did it. For that matter, we don't really know why he's doing it today. The villain Russ Thorn is probably one of the lamest villains I have ever seen. He's pretty much a punk. He's old, he's lanky and he looks as if he can barely even lift the fucking drill. I have a hard time believing that a house with five women, four peeping toms, three neighbors one pizza boy and a Gym coach have this much trouble putting the old fucker down. I mean…it's just a DRILL for Christ's sake. It's not a very stealthy weapon and considering the size of the one that he owned, I would imagine it would be a fairly cumbersome one as well. The guy just simply isn't scary. This is probably the most un-convincing psycho I have ever seen (Or would that be least convincing? Hmmm). Thankfully however, he didn't start belting out one liners and 'drill' jokes. If the movie were made today, I have no doubt that Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor would be a source of dialogue inspiration for this guy. Don't be fooled into thinking that Slumber Party Massacre is anything OTHER than what it promises to be. Aside from the occasional breasticle, there is NOTHING really ground breaking about this flick. Treat it as an 88-minute guilty pleasure. Slumber Party Massacre is like having a big healthy belch after eating a double quarter pounder. The cheese lingers on long after the meal has been finished. Great Lines: "I think you're tits are getting bigger!" --Anonymous Basketball player. Overall Rating: 5 out of 10 severed heads. |
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