| Urban Legend Released: 1998 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Slasher Nuts and Bolts: A serial killer stalks the campus of Pendleton University using famous urban legends as their source of inspiration. Summary: Okay, so we've got this chick Michelle Mancini. Michelle is a twenty-year old college student at nearby Pendleton University in Northern Maine. We find Michelle driving her SUV along the highway while savagely disgracing the lyrics to Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart". This bitch ought to be stabbed in the neck with a curling iron based on this alone. But regardless, its raining like hell out and she realizes that she's damn near out of gas. So she pulls in to a gas station where we find this stuttering slack-jawed retarded gas attendant (Brad Dourif). The guy is really creepy and after pumping her truck up, he tells Michelle that she has to come inside to talk to the credit car company. She packs a canister of mace into her pocket and follows the creepy little toad into the shop. But once inside, she discovers that there is no one on the phone at all. Moosenut locks the door and Michelle feels she is in danger. She sprays the shit out of him with Mace and then runs screaming back to her truck. The retard gives chase but he c…c…c…can't st…st…st…stop stuttering long enough to warn her that there is somebody in the back of her truck! Michelle hops in to the driver's seat and tears ass out of there. As she flies down the highway she turns the radio back on and begins massacring the Bonnie Tyler lyrics again. What the fuck has this bitch got against Bonnie Tyler anyway? Did Bonnie happen to touch her in inappropriate places when she was a little girl or something? Anyway, a cowled figure rises from the back seat and neatly cleaves Michelle's offensive noggin off with a razor sharp axe! Maybe if poor Michelle had stuck with singing old Sonny Bono tunes, she might have lived longer. So now it's a few days later and we meet the rest of our gang of idiots. The primary figure here is Natalie Simon. Natalie is a plain jane co-ed who is best friends with the freakishly vivacious Brenda Bates. Natalie's roommate is a Goth freako named Tosh Guinari (Danielle Harris of Halloween fame). We also have Damon Brooks the practical joker, Paul Gardener the campus reporter (Jared Leto), Sasha Thomas (Tara Reid) the radio DJ, and Parker Riley (Michael Rosenbaum) the party animal. There is also the cultural professor William Wexler (Robert Englund), Dean Adams, and Reese the Pam Grier inspired security officer. Most of the students can be found in Professor Wexler's class. He begins instructing the students on a bit of modern folklore known as an urban legend. Basically, these are stories that pop up from town to town and are generally considered factual albeit with little evidence to support them. As part of a demonstration, Wexler has Brenda chew on some pop-rocks and tries to egg her into washing it down with a Pepsi. (The urban legend states that Pop-Rocks mixed with soda will cause your internal organs to explode just like that little fuck Mikey from the old Life Cereal commercial. Who's this old fuck trying to fool? We all know that Mikey DIED from that shit. Next thing you know, they'll be trying to tell me that Jared really lost 900 lbs in 2 weeks because he eats at fucking Subway all the time. Well fuck Mikey and fuck Jared! I'd rather be fat than be a thirty-year-old virgin living in my mother's basement with no career prospects desperately wondering what it would be like to ever touch a girl. But I digress). Brenda refuses to eat the slop, but class clown Damon Brooks agrees to the experiment. He scarfs down the candy and sugar-water and before you know it, begins convulsing on the floor in fits. But don't worry, that wacky little Damon is just fucking around with everyone. He's actually fine. Now in addition to this, we also discover that Pendleton University is likewise subject to its own urban legend. Apparently 25 years ago, a student went ape-shit at the fabled Stanley Hall dormitory and went around slicing the throats of every fraternity member who happened to be stupid enough to answer their door. Some say, that Pendleton covered up the affair so as to not suffer from enrollment losses. To this day, the students refer to it as the Stanley Hall Massacre. By this point, news of Michelle Mancini's death has spread around campus. Dean Adams tries to put a lid on the scandal by recalling all of the school newspapers chronicling the event. This pisses off Paul Gardener who wrote the headline piece. Damon Brooks uses the tragedy to try and score with Michelle's friend Natalie Simon. The two go out on a date and they park the car way off in the woods. Natalie figures out that Damon isn't really concerned for her, but is in fact merely trying to tap that cooter. He goes out to take a piss and that's when the fun begins. A vicious killer dressed in a dark winter parka appears and slips a noose around Damon's neck. He then wraps the noose around a tree and then ties it to the back of the car. Now the killer goes after Natalie. As Natalie starts freaking out, she leans down on the gas pedal in the car. Now since the car is tied to the tree and thereby to the noose as well, Natalie's actions actually succeed in breaking Damon's neck. Aww…he was a pecker anyway. Natalie survives and races back to the campus. The killer disappears. (And in case you missed it…yes I was being serious. The serial killer is actually dressed in this over-sized goofy looking hooded parka.) The following day, she tries to tell everyone that Damon was killed but no one believes her. Damon has a reputation for being a practical joker and most people figure that he was just fucking with Natalie. From here we learn that Parker Riley (Christ, could you possibly find a name that screams YUPPIE more than Parker Riley?) is hosting a party in honor of the Stanley Hall Massacre. Naturally everybody plans on attending. Now lets move on to Tosh, Natalie's freaky Goth roommate. Natalie has a habit of walking in on Tosh while she's busy getting laid. But this time she makes sure not to turn on the light so that she doesn't have to bear witness to the gruesome scene. To be honest, I don't blame her. I would rather spend the evening paying winos to take turns punching me in the dick than have to sit through this quelle-beezarre sexual escapade. It is however unfortunate that Natalie doesn't turn on the light because all of the screams and moans that she hears coming from the next bed are not exactly the woos of lovemaking. Actually, Parka Killer is in the process of strangling the shit out of Tosh. Natalie lays down in bed none the wise. The following morning she wakes up to find Tosh's corpse as well as the words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light" painted on the wall above the bed. I can't speak for Natalie but I for one am happy as hell that she didn't turn on the light. I know this is supposed to be a HORROR movie, but geez! There is only but-so-much ugliness one man can be expected to endure. Natalie goes to inform Dean Adams and Officer Reese. Tosh was a certified manic-depressive and her death is ruled as a suicide (Apparently she was in the habit of taking lithium). By now, Natalie is convinced that someone is killing students off based on old urban legends. Paul and she try to investigate the history of Stanley Hall. When the inquire about the urban legend with the campus janitor, the cuddly custodian merely replies "Ask Wexler." So now Paul and Natalie break in to Wexler's office. They find a dark winter parka and a shiny gleaming axe. Looks like Wexler's our man eh? But then Wexler himself makes an appearance and catches the little piggies in the act. He takes them to Dean Adams who reads them the riot act. Now its time to take care of that pesky Dean. Dean Adams leaves for the weekend and enters the college parking garage. The parka killer is underneath the car and hamstrings him with a straight razor. As the crippled pedagogue is trying desperately to crawl to safety, the killer hops in his car and runs him down. (The Dean is actually pinned to those little spiky things that stick up out of the floor to keep you from backing your car up. It is then that the car runs him over. Ewww.) There's also this ridiculous scene where we are meant to believe that Brenda is about to be killed. Natalie goes to the Rec center where she finds Brenda swimming in the pool. A shadowy figure walks in wearing an ominous hooded winter coat. Natalie tries desperately to warn Brenda, but it just turns out to be another student who happens to have poor fashion sense. Anyway…this scene is stupid. Let's move on. After some more anguished angst from our dear old Natalie, we finally get to the party commemorating the Stanley Hall Massacre. By this point, Paul completely believes Natalie and two even play tonsil hockey for a bit. This completely pisses off Brenda who has the hots for Paul. Everyone is partying it up when Parker gets a telephone call. The obscene phone caller (disguised voice) warns Parker that he is going to die tonight. The killer is (naturally) calling from inside the house and even goes so far as to throw his pooch Hootie into the microwave! Very messy. As Parker is lamenting his over-cooked Oscar Meyer wiener, the killer grabs him and shoves him into the bathroom where they proceed to pour Drano down his throat. Now we have to take care of Parker's girlfriend Sasha. Sasha is a college DJ who hosts a talk-radio program. Midway through the party, Sasha breaks north and heads back to the station. But look out! The walking parka is on the loose! The killer invades the station and chases Sasha all over the place. Now she still has her headset on so everybody can hear her screams over the air. Natalie comes a'runnin just in time to see the killer take an axe to Sasha's bean. A loud expulsion of air projects from the body and the killer gets away. Everyone is now convinced that there is a genuine killer on campus. Natalie, Brenda and Paul hop into Paul's car and try to get the hell away from the school. They stop at a gas station for some munchies and Nat and Brenda find something odd in the trunk of Paul's car. It's the body of Professor WEXLER! Hmm…Paul is looking mighty suspicious now. Could he be the killer? Or was it really Wexler whom Paul was forced to kill in self-defense? Does anyone really fucking care? The two cum pockets tear ass through the woods while Paul gives chase. Natalie stumbles out onto the roadside and hitches a ride with a passing car. The driver of the vehicle is the creepy janitor who gave her the skinny on Stanley Hall. Natalie notices a very familiar looking coat sitting on the seat and tries to get him to pull over. Naturally he thinks the chick is psycho and continues driving (Another suspect?). As they drive along another car approaches. The janitor notices that the other car's headlights are off and he signals him by flashing his own. Natalie remembers that this is part of the gang initiation urban legend and tries to get him to stop. Just as he flashes his beams, the second car spins around and gives chase. The vehicle veers off the side of the road and Natalie is forced to flee. She runs back towards Stanley Hall. WARNING: THE TRUE IDENTTIY OF THE KILLER WILL NOW BE REVEALED! Natalie gets all the way back to campus when she hears a scream. Entering Stanley Hall she races upstairs only to find…Brenda! Ready for the Scooby Doo ending guys? Brenda reveals that she is indeed the killer and she even provides a slide show on why she is killing all these people. Apparently Michelle Mancini (1st victim) and Natalie Simon (Current victim) were best friends in high school. One evening they were out joy riding and decided to play the gang-initiation prank on someone. They turned off their headlights and waited for someone to flash them. Upon doing so, Michelle spun the truck around and began chasing the opposing car. They had no intention of hurting anyone mind you. They just wanted to give somebody a good scare. Anyway, the second car flew off the road and crashed into a tree. The driver, David Evans was killed immediately. Now we come to find out that Evans was Brenda Bates' boyfriend. They were planning on getting married after high school. This is the reason why Brenda killed Michelle. Because Natalie was in the car with Michelle, Brenda feels this makes her responsible as well. Brenda ties Natalie down and tells her about an urban legend known as the Kidney Heist. The story goes: A woman meets a man at a bar and invites him back to her apartment. She drugs the guy's drink and the sucker passes out. When he awakens, he finds himself sitting in a tub full of ice and one of his kidneys is missing. Brenda plans on using this same motif to kill Natalie. But lo and behold! Who steps in but Officer Reese! Reese levels a gun at Brenda but Brenda manages to get it away from her. She shoots Reese and leaves her bleeding on the floor. But lo and behold! Who steps in but Paul! Paul knows that Brenda likes him and tries to get her to give up the gun. This doesn't really fly however and a scuffle ensues. In the end, Brenda is shot and topples out of a second story window. Paul and Natalie leave the scene (Reese survives). As they are driving away they find Brenda in the back of Paul's car. She tries to kill them but they manage to push her out. The car is overtop a bridge and Brenda flies over the railing into the river below. If you look closely, you can probably see James Van Der Beek wayyyyyyyyy in the back standing on top of a rowboat. Yeah…yeah I know. "I don't want to wait" either. Finally we get our whoopity-doo-da epilogue, which takes place at another college some time later. The story of the Pendleton Massacre is now considered an urban legend. A group of students sit around talking about it. One of the students in the group happens to be ………………..[Dramatic pause for the sake of a weakass segue to an unfulfilling sequel]…………….Brenda! Acting/Dialogue: Meh. It's okay I guess. No truly memorable performances. The most alluring aspect of the cast is that you have a mixed bag of various WB prime-time teen heartthrobs. The cheap prize in this particular box of Cracker Jacks is naturally mister fingernails himself Robert Englund. But he really only has a bit part and he dies roughly mid-way through the film. Rebecca Gayheart finally gets to strut her stuff, but you have to wait an hour and a half before you notice it. Jared Leto is pretty decent here and we get a taste of things to come when we see him later on in such flicks as the Thin Red Line, Fight Club, Panic Room and Requiem for a Dream. The dialogue isn't really that bad, but not altogether impressive either. Gore: I wouldn't say that the gore is gratuitous but it IS applied in some fairly creative ways. The pooch in the microwave gimmick is always a classic and I really liked Dean Adams' excruciating death. Very cool indeed. Urban Legend is light on the red, but high on creativity. Guilty Pleasures: We get Tosh flopping around in bed getting the doggie-stick, but there's no actual nudity. The Good: Urban Legend is one of three films that helped to change the face of mainstream slasher horror in the late 1990s. (The other two being Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer). Like Scream, Urban Legend relies on its gimmick and its shadowy killer in order to elicit its thrills. What I liked about this movie is that it really does exist as a unique entity in the horror culture. Never before have we seen a serial killer with such a peculiar modus operandi. Although the killer maintains the same faceless visage that has trademarked the slasher genre for years now, this one uses a variety of means and weapons to do away with her victims. Primarily she enjoys the axe, but she's not above using a microwave or even some Drano to achieve her goals. She certainly is resourceful. If nothing else, Urban Legend helps to add a bit of equal opportunity to the slasher craze. Typically, the slasher in question is a homely downtrodden male of questionable upbringing. But here we have a (relatively) normal young woman who's childhood was likely very average and uneventful. Seldom do gals get the chance to hold the title role in a horror movie, and damn it…I think it's about time! They probably couldn't have done a better casting choice for the role of Brenda than Rebecca Gayheart. This chick has the freakiest looking green bug-eyes I have ever seen. She may not be everybody's cup of tea, but she certainly holds your attention. Admittedly, the movie does do a good job at keeping you guessing as to the identity of the killer. Unfortunately, the producers try so hard to manipulate your perceptions that it's practically impossible to reason it out on your own. Director Jamie Blanks throws a lot of red herrings our way, many of which are a little too obvious for serious consideration. But that can sometimes work for a director as well. Perhaps he was banking on the audience picking up on the obvious clues in the hopes of steering us clear of what he was actually doing? Hmmm. Hitchockian misdirection or amateur writing? You decide. I really dig the sound score composed by Christopher Young. I was first introduced to his talent in the 1988 must-see thriller Hellraiser. Ever since then, I always try to keep an ear out for his particular brand of composition. His music goes a long way towards elevating the anxiety in certain scenes. Urban Legends offers some nice visuals and even some wild camera angles here and there in an effort to keep everything crisp and visceral. But aside from the gimmick-laden deaths, there probably isn't much here that you haven't seen elsewhere. If you're a fan of Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Final Destination and Valentine, then you will likely really enjoy Urban Legend. The Bad: When I first saw Urban Legend I actually dug it quite a bit. It wasn't until subsequent viewings that I began to realize just how bad it really is. On the surface, the packing is pretty and the gimmicky plot-devices are certainly captivating, but once it's exposed to the air, you realize that there is simply something not quite right about this film. It's kind of like getting pants for Christmas. You all know what I'm talking about. We've all suffered from this Holiday pariah at least once at some point in our lives. Remember the glory days of yore when you would run downstairs on Christmas morning at 6:00 am in your Superman PJs anxiously awaiting the moment when your parents would awaken so you could dive into the mountain of red and green debris poetically shoved beneath the boughs of a gaudily dressed dead Spruce? Even before the first smattering of drool hits the shag carpeting your eyes are instantly drawn to that one specific present tucked away in the back behind all of the others. It's the largest and most mesmerizing one of them all. You dick away the first half of the morning tearing through package after package with the veracity of Robert Downey Jr. at a crack house until you finally carve yourself a path to the Holy Grail. Yes…that ONE present to rule them all. It's the biggest box, with the most colorful wrapping and the most decorative bow on it. This is the one you've been waiting all morning to rip in to. You know in your heart of hearts that the BIG package ALWAYS contains the coolest toy! As images of the Ewok Village playset or the 20 inch electronic talking cave troll from Lord of the Rings dances throughout your mind's eye, you finally lift the cover off of your Yule tide ark of the covenant to discover…PANTS! No Ewok Village! No Cave Troll! Not even a plastic fucking lightsaber! Nothing but piles and piles of unending corduroy! What kind of sick-fuck parents gives their kids PANTS for Christmas? And what's more, what inspires such acts of cruelty as to disguise these unwanted leggings in the most eye-catching saliva-inducing mistletoe colored packaging of them all? Now in the long run, you naturally just say "Thank you" even as you take it up the ass and try to justify to yourself the necessity of receiving such an overwhelmingly shitty present. But ultimately, you know deep down inside that you would just as soon hang your mother by a Levi noose if you thought that it would at least get you a Rock-em Sock-em robot. I equate this to watching Urban Legend. This is the type of movie that not only stretches credibility but it bloody well snaps it in half and wraps it around your throat like a God damn boa constrictor. There are too many implausible moments in this flick for me to even attempt to take it seriously. Let's start with crazy-eyed Brenda. Now here we have a chick that's pissed off because her boyfriend was killed right? Okay…now I can buy her revenge trip in so far as Michelle Mancini is concerned. After all, it was Michelle's idea to chase after Dave Evans and she was the one driving the car. That makes sense. But what the hell does Natalie have to do with Brenda's psychosis? All she did was sit in the passenger seat and smile. Even other lunatics have to realize that this hardly makes her an accessory to Michelle's crime. But I guess Brenda is the sort of gal that not only goes gunning for the Lone Ranger, she wants to scalp Tonto as well. All told, this makes for a fairly flimsy excuse for conspiring against the entire college. On top of that, there is no plausible reason for why she goes gunning after the other students. Now granted, she's probably doing the gene pool a favor but the lack of rhyme or reason makes for a pretty thin character. Brenda also seems to have it a little 'too together' to be a convincing hatchet maiden. I realize that director Jamie Blanks is trying to go for a little bit of misdirection here, but the final product really makes you quirk an eyebrow. Overall, Brenda's tragic back-story and ensuing psychosis makes very little sense in the grand scheme of things. But that's not all! Not only is a Brenda a total fucking nutter, she's a pretty hearty and courageous girl to boot! We first see her attacking Michelle from the back seat of the SUV. Now I don't know about you, but if I were a serial killer, I would definitely rethink my strategy if my plan included murdering someone who is in the process of operating a MOVING vehicle. But Blanks conveniently forgets to show us the final fate of the SUV. Common sense would suggest that the truck veers off the side of the road likely flipping over end over end thus propelling the killer through the front wheel shield killing them instantly. Already we get to see evidence of that afore mentioned 'straining credibility'. And that's only within the first five minutes of the movie! Later on, Brenda gets damn near run over by Natalie during the death of Damon Brooks. And even later, Brenda gets shot and pitched through a second story window. Not only does she survive this ridiculous folly, but she gets up and sneaks into Paul's truck as well! But that's not the end. On top of being shot and falling from a second story window, she also manages to survive a fall off a bridge into the river! Now I can accept a 'few' miracles of God…but this is just bloody ridiculous. This bitch is the God damned Terminator for Christ's sakes! You don't need Jared Leto; you need Michael Biehn and Linda Hamilton to get medieval on this bitch's ass! Then there are Blanks' cute little uses of misdirection. This basically comes down to him throwing around the same parka the killer is wearing in various places in order to throw us off the scent. At last count, we have discovered that Professor Wexler, the Janitor, the Swimfan, Paul and lastly Brenda all wear the EXACT same fucking coat! Now let's call a spade a spade. This is one ugly-ass fucking coat. No one in their right mind would be caught dead wearing this nasty thing. Especially a bunch of fashion nazi gap generation Everwood-watching college kids. This is a really weak attempt at trying to keep the audience guessing. Furthermore, it was actually unnecessary since there was literally NOTHING in the telling to lead us to suspect Brenda to begin with. We would have been just as confused even without the little bits of foreshadowing. To be honest…I'm still kind of confused by all of this. In the future Mister Blanks, leave the ambiguous story telling to David Lynch. And speaking of fashion victims, there is nothing remotely scary about this killer. I mean…it looks quite ridiculous all things considered; like some kind of crazed malefic Eskimo with an ice pick, a dog sled and an attitude. Blanks tries desperately to hold on to the pop-culture rapture supplied to us by Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer. But this, combined with his less than stellar 2001 thriller Valentine proves once and for all that this guy is a total hack. On its own, Urban Legend succeeds in being a fair-to-decent movie. But even its quirky nuances are forever lost in the shadow of its even more abysmal sequel, Urban Legends: Final Cut. (Don't expect a review on Final Cut any time soon. I would sooner shove a broken shard of glass into the tip of my pecker than watch that piece of shit again.) Drain the creek Dawson. It's time to go home. Great Lines: "Damon is the biggest practical joker I know. He once convinced a sophomore that he was the middle Hanson brother just so he could get laid." --Parker Riley talking to Natalie. "You're cute Paul. But you're not that fucking cute." --Brenda leveling a gun at Paul's nose. "Missing? Please! It's the weekend. He's most likely holed up in some hotel somewhere with a girl. Or a guy... farm animal... whatever! Weren't you ever eighteen?" --Dean Adams talking to Reese. "Th... th…th…there's someone in the back seat!" --Gas station attendant tr-tr-tr-trying to warn Michelle of the killer. "Turn around, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes." -Michelle doing a HORRIBLE rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart Overall Rating: 5 out of 10 severed heads. |
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