| Witchouse Released: 1999 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Witch/Warlock Nuts and Bolts: Elizabeth Le Fey invites a bunch of friends over for a party. But this isn’t just your average Saturday night kegger. Nope, this little shindig comes complete with its own séance and 17th century witch as well! More fun than Twister. Summary: The story takes place in the small town of Dunwich Massachusetts. A weird freako Goth chick named Elizabeth Le Fey invites nine college kids over to her house for a party. A couple known as Bob and Margaret are the first to arrive. They explore the mansion and notice how it is dolled up like somebody’s haunted house. They go down into the dungeon basement (With the intent of making nookie) when suddenly an eerie female shape spills out of the shadows. Her eyes glow green and a knife comes down upon them. Bob’s body falls on top of a chalk white pentagram etched onto the floor. Margaret follows soon after. Soon after, the rest of the cast shows up. Roll call: Jack Smith (The Yuppie), Scott Meredith (The Jock), Brad Payton (The nerd), Janet Salisbury (The tomboy), Tony Spires (The stoner), and Marie Darrow (Who is not interesting enough to get a cool little one-word description in parenthesis). The group carries on a bit engaging in trite bits of conversation, which ultimately goes nowhere. The only significant piece of dialogue to remember is that Jack is an Applied Sciences major and is pretty handy when it comes to electronics. Now Elizabeth makes her entrance just in time to introduce the final guest Jennifer Bainbridge (The nerdette). Elizabeth decides that it would be fun to engage in something called a Mayday séance. Everyone gathers around a pentagram in the main living room and holds hands. Elizabeth tells a story concerning a 17th century ancestor named Lilith Le Fey. Apparently Lilith was a gal who was the prodigy of two powerful sorcerers. But as she came of age, Lilith gained hold of her father’s copy of the Necronomicon and used it to invoke the power of the Old Ones. It was her desire to become an even more powerful witch. She abducts a child from the city of Dunwich with the intent of using him as a mortal sacrifice. But a tribunal of Witch-hunters finds out and captures Lilith before she can kill the brat. They tie her up to a stake and but her to the torch. This night represents the 300th anniversary of Lilith’s execution. Now in the midst of the séance, Brad begins having a vision wherein he sees himself tied up on the cross. He freaks out and the séance ends. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Scott and Marie ditched out on the séance preferring to go upstairs to play Hide the Snake. While the two are busy doing their thang, the others decide to explore the rest of the house. Brad goes down to the basement where he finds Elizabeth engaged in a macabre ritual. In her hands are the heads of Bob and Margaret. Apparently she needs the blood of two innocents in order to resurrect her old ancestor. This is why Bob and Margaret were set to arrive early. Lilith comes back to life and attacks Brad. She kisses him and sucks his life away from him. Meanwhile upstairs, Jack and Jennifer begin scooping around the house. They easily have the hots for one another but are too shy to admit it. Jack finds a library containing several copies of the Necronomicon. Apparently, there were quite a few of these things. Upon leafing through it, he finds a page containing a list of several names. The names correspond to the surnames of everyone at the party. Everyone except Jennifer Bainbridge that is. Now Jack and Jennifer come to discover that they are all the descendents of the original witch-hunters from 1698. Apparently Elizabeth resurrected Lilith in order to gain revenge upon the surviving family members of those who originally destroyed her. Sounds fair to me. Now Lilith’s magic infects Scott and turns him into a demon. Scott kills Marie while chickie is taking a shower. Through osmosis, Marie turns into a demon as well. We have a few more moments of mush-mush business between John and Jennifer and then we turn to Janet and stoner Tony. Janet and Tony are running around the mansion trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Janet basically acts like a mad she-ape while Tony does nothing but crack drug culture jokes and act stupid. They finally run afoul of Lilith who uses a magic blast to zap Tony across the room. But Janet runs over to her and delivers a full-on haymaker right to Lilith’s grill. She locks her into an adjacent room and Tony and she are on the run. But Lilith gets out and meets back up with Elizabeth. They go downstairs where they find Jack and Jennifer. Now Lilith tries to attack Jack but Jack repels her by reciting the Lord’s Prayer. Even Elizabeth puts her hands up in fear of the prayer. Now Tony and Janet are on their way back downstairs to meet up with Jack and Jennifer. But Scott impedes Tony’s progress and tears his head clean off his shoulders. Janet however, manages to meet back up with Jack and Jennifer. The three run down into the basement where they find the corpses of Brad, Bob and Margaret. For some reason, Lilith’s magic infects Janet and she turns into a demon. Jack throws a fire poker at her and spears her in the gut. Demon-Janet removes the poker and chucks it back at Jack catching him in the leg. She heaves a magic blast at him, but Jack deflects it with his little crucifix necklace. Janet burns the necklace away, but Jennifer jumps in the way and turns Janet’s power back upon her by way of a reflective serving tray. Janet goes up in flames. So now Jack and Jennifer run back upstairs. Jack has a plan and he puts his Applied Science knowledge to the test (See. I told you this was important). He splices some wires from the wall and ties them to the fire poker. Then he takes the other end of the spliced cable and re-connects it to the fuse box. Lilith comes up there and Jack stabs her with the fire poker. Jennifer hits the switch on the fuse box and Lilith goes up like a Roman candle. They go back downstairs only to be stopped by Elizabeth. Now we discover why Jennifer’s family name wasn’t listed in the Necronomicon. Jennifer Bainbridge is the descendent of the child that was nearly sacrificed by Lilith Le Fey in 1698. Elizabeth tries to stab Jennifer but Jenny turns it back on her and Elizabeth dies. Acting/Dialogue: Wow. I mean….wow. This is bad. And not just “Not tonight honey, I have a headache” kind of bad, I mean pre-menstrual stomach cramp kind of bad. And there’s no Midol for this one. Now I wasn’t really expecting a whole helluva lot from this crew…but damn. I would hate to see the screen tests for the potential actors that were turned away! Seriously, is this the best they could have done? Charles Band has produced enough of these Full Moon flicks to at least pay for some decent actors. Hell, even the late night shift at McDonalds would have fared better. But what’s even worse than the acting is the dialogue. It is abysmal. No wait. I take that back. I would not wish to sully such a cool word like ‘abysmal’ by using it to describe this movie. This script feels like it was penned by a ten year old; on Valium; with cerebral palsy; in his sleep. There is absolutely nothing creative going on here at all. I’ve found more entertaining exchanges of conversation taking place in the monkey cage at the Philadelphia zoo. Wow. I mean….wow. Gore: There’s only one gory scene that’s even worth mentioning. This occurs when Scott pulls Tony’s head off. It only works because it happens rather abruptly and I didn’t really expect Tony to go down that quickly. Admittedly that was kind of cool. There’s also a quasi-neat scene where a character pulls her own face off. This takes place during the 1698 flashback. Beyond that, the gore is about as dry as Roger Moore’s martini. Guilty Pleasures: What a fucking tease. There’s a scene where Marie starts stripping down as she prepares to take a shower. We get a pretty hot rear shot of her in her undies as she’s walking away but that’s it. I was fully prepared for a pre-death wet nipple shower scene. No such luck. Bastards. The Good: There’s a strange quality about Full Moon flicks that seems to infect every single one of their movies. It doesn’t matter what year the film is actually released, each and every one feels as if it takes place in the year 1985. The acting, the music, the clothing etc. Now most of us that live OUTSIDE of the mental institution prefer to think that the 1980’s were nothing more than a really long and really bad acid trip. But despite all of that, this surreal historical embarrassment seems to find a comfortable home inside of a Full Moon movie. I really can’t figure out why that is. Conceptually, the story isn’t half bad. I’ll give Chuck props for that. But I DO hold him accountable for not making the most out of what he had to work with. There were a thousand different ways he could have handled this plot and instead let this hack director choose all the wrong ones. To their credit however, I actually kinda liked the end. The live-wire fire poker bit is somewhat original even though we saw it coming since scene three. I also liked the fact that Jennifer was the descendent of the original child from the 1698 flashback. Well done. I’ve noticed throughout this flick that there are several references to the works of Howard Phillip Lovecraft. H. P. Lovecraft was a Gothic horror writer in the early 20th century. His short stories have inspired dozens of horror movies and whether you realize it or not, you have likely seen his influences in any number of films. The most notable reference in Witchouse is the name of the town, Dunwich. Dunwich is the principal New England setting for the 1970 classic The Dunwich Horror. Witchouse also showcases a mystical Grimoire known as the Necronomicon. The Necronomicon was used in several of Lovecraft’s pieces as a primer for summoning the Old Ones, a race of Godlike alien beings. Most modern horror fans will more than likely recall the Necronomicon’s most infamous appearances in the Evil Dead trilogy. Speaking of the Old Ones, Elizabeth makes reference to them during her recital of Lilith Le Fey’s origins. Unfortunately, director David DeCoteau infuses none of the spine-tingling atmosphere that Lovecraft was known for into this cinematic enema. The music in this movie is pretty cool. During the early segment of the party sequence, there’s a rock-n-roll track crooning in the background. I’m trying desperately to place who it is but it completely escapes me. At first I thought it might have been 80’s underground heavy metal crooners Krokus performing this song. But I dismissed the thought as soon as it entered my head. No way that any movie, even one as shitty as this would dare to cheapen themselves even more by playing fucking Krokus. What the hell was I even thinking? But hey, if any of you crazy little psychopaths happen to know what band is playing during the party scene, drop me a line okay? And speaking of the soundtrack, the overall score by Jared DePasquale is pretty fucking cool too. Like everything else, it is richly steeped in a rhythm and tempo reminiscent of your typical 1980’s soundtracks. Unfortunately, as much I dig the music it is horribly misplaced in this flick. It just doesn’t work with any of the scenes that it is used in. This music would have been better served working in something with a bit more pep. Whoever edited the music for this film should be shot. Or worse…force them to listen to Krokus! Yeah, that’ll learn ‘em. I shamefully have to admit that Krokus actually has an album called…(You ready for this?)… Headhunter. I’ll be over here in the corner chewing on broken glass if you need me. The Bad: From the moment you first notice the incorrect spelling of Witch-House you know you’re in trouble. I’m really disappointed in Charles Band and the guys at Full Moon. I usually enjoy the bulk of their movies, but this one left me colder than a virgin’s twat on a Monday night. This isn’t even the type of movie that you can get stoned to and laugh at. Sometimes when it is really late at night and I have been up for thirty-six hours running on nothing but coffee and Doritos, I’ll flick on some crappy horror flick and give it the ole Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. Mrs. Headhunter thinks I’m strange for doing this. Mostly because I’m by myself when I’m doing it. Hey, what can I say? I’m easily amused. Mental masturbation is better than no masturbation at all, that’s what I always say. But this movie doesn’t even work as good fuel for the MST3K bit. Tom Servo and Crow T Robot would have a hard time trying to make this piece of shit comical. Most of the cast members just piss me off. Each one of them is irritating as hell. The chick that plays Elizabeth tries to do this whole Goth thing, but you can tell she’s feeling uncomfortable in this role. If you’re going to have somebody portraying a Goth then at least have someone do it that is workably familiar with that particular subculture. Talking in a monotone voice and wearing black and red 19th century gowns does not a Goth make. I’m sure the true Goths in this world would probably tear their septum spikes out over this disgraceful caricature. The character of Jack Smith is an eye-bleeder as well. He’s obviously got some deeply rooted repressed homosexual anxieties going on here. But rather than be a man and flamboyantly jump on out of that closet, he prefers to play it safe by rubbing up against Jennifer Bainbridge. Well he didn’t fool me. Jack man, you no longer have to live this lie. This is the new millennium duder. It’s “okay” to be a homosexual. Shake off the shackles of your oppressors and embrace your heritage. Show the world that they have to love you for who you are brotha. You do more of a disservice to the people in this movie by pretending to be straight when we all damn well know better. Another one that needs to quit wearing the suit of heterosexuality is the chick that plays Janet. In fact, I’m not even convinced that this person is a female. She is just wayyyy too beaucoup butch to be a normal member of the female gender. Yo, Xena! If you wanna play Warrior Princess then maybe you should go throw your chakram for the guys at TNT or UPN. The “straight” to video gig isn’t working for you sweetie. Now if there is any character in this whole flick that is deserving of a good ass ripping it would be Dave Oren Ward who played Tony. But out of good taste I’ll cut this guy some slack since he was murdered soon after making this film. No, I’m not saying that as a fancy euphemism or a cruel joke. He actually was murdered. But then again, considering his potential career prospects after starring in this bomb, he’s probably better off. (Ooooh…I went and did it anyway didn’t I? And after I promised I wouldn’t make fun of him.) Let’s rip apart the plot some shall we? Now while I dig the overall story, the execution of this tale is incredibly weak. First off, what are the chances that these six descendents of the 17th century witch-hunters are all the exact same age? Permutation and probabilities simply don’t work that way. For this to be the case then the original tribunal members would have had to bear their children all at the same time. And their children would have had to spawn THEIR children all at the same time. This would have to continue for eight more generations. That is about as likely to occur as a one legged man winning an ass-kicking contest. Now there are two scenes that are so primordially infantile that they are actually embarrassing to watch. The first scene is when little pussy boy begins reciting the Lord’s Prayer. Lilith and Elizabeth both recoil in pain as he begins doing this. That’s just…dumb. I really can’t say it any more plainly than that. But this isn’t nearly as bad as when Jack begins using his little cross necklace to repel Demon-Janet’s energy blasts. Naturally, the blast eventually overpowers the strength of the crucifix but for some reason becomes completely ineffective against the staying power of a serving tray. Okay, this isn’t a LASER beam here folks. It shouldn’t reflect off the thing back onto the caster. It’s not amplified light, its concentrated mystical force. The energy blast should have burned through the tray and straight into Jennifer’s funbags. Seriously guys, if you dig Full Moon movies, then skip this one. There are PLENTY of Full Moon flicks out there to get your rocks off on. I can’t believe this sad-ass piece of crap actually spawned two sequels. What’s even more unbelievable is the fact that I’ll probably end up renting both of them just so I can tear them apart on this website. Remember, I watch crappy movies so you don’t have to. Christ, I need a life. I’m going to go jerk off now. Great Lines: “Let’s make like a pregnant woman and head out.” –Janet says this to Tony. That wacky Janet. He sure is one funny guy isn’t he? Overall Rating: 2 out of 10 severed heads. Shame on you Charles Band. |
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