| Wolf Girl Released: 2001 MPAA Rating: R Genre: Werewolf (sorta) Nuts and Bolts: Tara is a sideshow freak known as the Wolf Girl. However, she may have found the means to cure the condition that produces her excess body hair. But is the cure worse than the disease. Will Tara actually become a Wolf Girl in FACT as well as in name? Read on for the awesome shocking truth! (Blah blah blah) Summary: Note: This movie is also known by the title Blood Moon. A group of ornery teens are traveling through the woods of some unspecified New England forest. (Duh! Where ELSE will you find the woods but in a forest?) The members of this particular brat pack include: Beau the ringleader, Krystal the token dyke, Whiffer the token sidekick #1 and Corey the token sidekick #2. The four are trouncing along when they spy a cute and fuzzy little bunny. Krystal leans down to observe the rabbit. But rather than coo and pet the white rodent as one might expect, she pulls out a slingshot ready to pelt the little fucker into oblivion. But never fear, RYAN is here! Ryan Klein is a lonely little nerd with a big nose and a haircut that only Lord Farquaad could love. Ryan steps out from behind a tree and we learn that the rabbit is actually his. Beau is the ball-busting bruiser of the group and he is prepared to whoop the shit out of Ryan for being so geeky. But before the pugilistic hijinks can ensue, their eyes are cast to the distance where they see a caravan of trucks and trailers parking in preparation of a carnival sideshow. The carnival belongs to Harley Dune (Tim Curry) who is your typical circus barker type. Amongst the cast of freaks and weirdoes we have: Buster the Crab Man, Christof/Christine (Grace Jones), Athena the fat lady, the Strongman, the human pincushion, the geek and of course Tara Talbot the Wolf Girl. Tara is mingling about outside and the teens look upon her with disgust. Tara spends some time talking first with Harley and then with Athena with whom she is very close to. (Come to think of it, EVERYONE is very close to Athena. It's kind of hard NOT to be. Lack of options and all that.) Be that as it may, Ryan collects Bugs Bunny in his arms and returns home. His mother likewise returns. We discover that mum works for some big time chemical research center that specializes in makeup and dermatology. Yup. Ole Bugs is not only a rabbit, but he's a guinea pig as well. The Klein's home is filled with cages full of fluffy critters that can't wait to try on the new Revlon products. Mom tells Ryan to stop playing with all the animals. It's not good for him to become so emotionally attached to something that's going to have a bottle of Clairol shoved up his ass someday. Later that night, the carnival is in full swing. Grace Jones character is a hermaphrodite in this movie named Christoff/Christine. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Not that much of a departure from reality is it? Anyway, he/she sings a song, which is actually a duet between his/her varying genders. Then Harley himself comes on stage and sings a song with the bearded lady called Pluck It. Admittedly, Curry's little ditty is a helluva less frightening in this than he was in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Some time later, the ornery teens sneak onto the carnival fairgrounds for a chance to get a closer look at Tara the Wolf Girl. Harley catches them lurking about and chases them away from Tara's wagon. Beau has a dog with him that leaves a little poo-poo behind. Harley makes damned sure that Beau takes his poo-poo with him. Shortly thereafter, Tara goes onstage and does her act. Now mind you, she may be overly hirsute, but it's actually just a reflection of a dermatological condition she has called Hypertriclosis. She's not REALLY a wolf girl. She even puts on fake fingernails and fangs in order to play up the part. Be that as it may, Tara thrashes about in her cage whooping it up for the rubes in the audience. In attendance are of course those pain in the ass kids. Beau picks up the dog doody in one hand and flings it across the stage at Tara. The shit smacks her in the jaw and everyone begins laughing at her. The poor girl is really upset by this (who wouldn't be?) and begins howling in rage. She later runs off into the woods and the mean ole kids chase after her. Also in the woods is an actual wolf which really has fuck all better to do than to drop in and make cameo appearances from time to time. Accompanying the wolf is Ryan. Ryan is hiding behind a tree as Beau rushes by looking for the Wolf Girl. He makes an echoing howling noise, which scares the shit out of Beau. Beau doesn't like to be laughed at and he makes his displeasure known by beating the shit out of Ryan. Ryan picks himself up and wanders back to the carnival. Some part of Ryan feels a connection to Tara so he leaves her a note that he slides underneath the door to her wagon. The next day, Tara decides to visit Ryan at his home. Ryan tells her that he knows all about her medical condition and explains how his mom is a dermatologist. Mrs. Klein has been experimenting at home with various chemicals that will act as an alternative to electrolysis treatment. Tara is very excited about the idea, but Ryan is concerned that the experimental drug may have harmful side affects. Tara is so desperate to be rid of her condition that she doesn't give a shit about any namby pamby side affects. She convinces Ryan to give her an injection. Left with nothing to do but wait, Tara returns to the freak show. That evening, Tara performs once again. And don't you know those bastards kids come back for a second helping. But they're not content with merely throwing poodle shit at our Wolf Babe, oh no. Now Beau is slinging DARTS at her! Well after about the fourth or fifth dart Tara decides that she is not going to have any of that. She becomes completely feral and rips through the bars of her cage. She lunges at Beau and the crowd goes wild. A throng of assorted freaks, gimps and clowns are forced to pull Tara back. Tara goes to relax and rap with Athena while a little midget does a striptease act on stage. Yummy. Athena is the only one that can seemingly make Tara feel any better. Ryan shows up and Athena damn near eats his little ass. Ryan and Tara go for a walk where Ryan questions her about any potential side affects. Tara lies about her recent ferocity and the two begin smooching. Awww. Idn't dat kewt! (Ya know she does it doggie style.) Later on, Tara goes to sleep. No MOST people use the old trick of COUNTING sheep whenever they have problems catching some Zs. But no, our girl HAS to be different. Rather than counting sheep in her dreams, she prefers to eat the little fuckers. The following day, Tara wakes up and takes a shower. She begins to notice clumps of hair falling off of her body. She's so elated that she races over to Ryan's to tell him. Tara wants Ryan to increase the dosage so that the process will move along more quickly. But Ryan refuses to do that. Mom pops in and plays interference while Tara steals a sample of the drug. She takes the injection and never tells Ryan. Later that day, Tara and Ryan go to a diner for some chow. Tara tells him her life story. Her mother was a Romanian peasant and her father abandoned them the day Tara was born. (I guess she was born fuzzy. THAT must've made for a stimulating birth experience.) The villagers can't abide no ugly children so they threatened Tara's mom. For a while the woman lied and said that the baby had died. But before long she was forced to drop the little Tribble on the doorstep of Harley's circus of freaks. The pissed off Romanian villagers finally caught up with Mrs. Talbot and shot the shit out of her. After Tara completes her tale of woe, who should walk into the diner but Beau. (Hey that rhymes!) He comes to their table and makes some obnoxious remark about how there are "No pets allowed" in the diner. Tara scratches the shit out of Beau's face. Remarkably though, the wounds clear up with just a dab of soap and water. (No this isn't foreshadowing, it's just a blooper.) Tara runs out of the diner and falls down into the mud. Some kids come along and are amazed at her furry parts (Make of that what you will). She follows Beau back to his house and peeks in through the window. She finds Beau standing naked in front of a mirror and discovers that he has an imperceptibly small and useless little wang. Beau catches her spying on him and chases her back to the carnival. He tries to kill to kill her, but Tara evades the gunshot. Tara chases him out into the woods and rips his throat out. She leaves his body lying with his pants pulled around his angles so that the world can see the wangless wonder. Now by this point, our girl is becoming more and more feral. Strangely enough, she is also starting to lose all of her body hair. She performs one more show for Harley wherein she completely gets in touch with her primitive side. Unthinkingly, she attacks Harley and escapes from the carnival. She runs out into the woods where she finds Krystal, Whiffer and Corey. The three kids have discovered Beau's body by this point. Everyone splits up and Krystal finds Tara. She doesn't recognize her however, because she doesn't have her body hair any more. Krystal begins blubbering and expressing her lesbian tendencies on to Tara. This is merely to set up this wild scene where Tara bites the girl's tongue off. Yup, Tara may do it doggie-style, but she ain't makin' it with the ladies. Krystal is the next to die. By this point, Ryan and the other carnival workers have discovered Beau's body and they soon find Krystal's as well. Now remember that normal looking wolf that I mentioned earlier? Well, apparently he's hanging around again and pretty much takes the rap for the two murders. Harley considers Tara a lost cause and packs up the carnival and heads north. The movie ends with a completely feral Tara Talbot drinking water from a nearby lake. Acting/Dialogue: If there truly is such a thing as a Satan and if I were the type to believe that he exists here and now on planet Earth, than I do believe with every fiber of my black loveless heart that he is embodied in the form of Tim Curry. That man is without a doubt the most evil being ever set down on the face of the Earth. Tim is always a blast to watch and in this he actually comes forward as a fairly humane and sensitive individual (As opposed to the despicable crack-pots that he usually plays). The rest of the cast was pretty tight as well. Some people may recognize Shawn Ashmore as Beau. He was also seen in X-Men, X-Men 2, and Animorphs. He's a little known actor, but I can see the kid going somewhere (So long as he can get over having a small pee-pee). Victoria Sanchez is pretty solid as Tara. I always figure that it has to be a challenge to play a character that flows through such a steady stream of intense emotional responses, but Victoria pulls it off like a champ. Gore: There's not too much going on here, but I think there's at least enough gore to satisfy most people. Most of the blood that we see comes from scratches and claw marks and that sort of thing. The tongue-chewing scene is pretty cool. Although to be honest, any film that features a carnival sideshow automatically bumps the gruesome factor up by at least one degree. Grace Jones is pretty vile as always. And some of the other freakos are just nasty. And if there's anyone reading this who DOESN'T think that a midget wearing Speedos should NOT be included in the Gore section of this review…well then…they ought to have their bloody head examined. Guilty Pleasures: WOLF BOOBIES! Yup, Tara shows off her hairy nips in this flick. And for those of you that squirt your shorts over the thought of a man with an embarrassingly useless shriveled up little needle dick…well then; we have those as well. The Good: Wolf Girl provides an interesting and somewhat unique angle on the whole werewolf mythos. For starters, the werewolf is female (As if the title weren't enough to clue you in). With the exception of one of those crap-ass Howling sequels, I don't think we've ever seen a female Werewolf before. But on top of that, she's not even really a werewolf. She's just a chick that suffers from a bizarre skin condition called Hypertrichosis. Being Romanian by birth, I guess Electrolysis was never an option for her. And lets face it, its not like the cast and crew of a traveling carnival really have the ability to pony up cash for fancy shmancy high tech dermatology treatments. So poor Tara is forced to exploit her condition by playing the part of the Wolf Girl. But then we get into the whole problem of the cure being worse than the disease. Sure, she finds the omnipresent miracle drug that enables her to shed her curvy yet hirsute body of its unwanted follicles, but the payoff is something of a bitch. The more she looks like a normal human, the more her mind tends to regress to its more animalistic passions. Why she mentally becomes a wolf is anybody's guess. It's not like the designer of the miracle drug KNEW that Tara was known as the Wolf Girl. Why didn't the side affects give her the personality of an ape or an ostrich or something? But it just so happened to imbue her with the behavioral tendencies of the very animal that she has spent her life mimicking. Tad convenient wouldn't you say? The most overlying message being presented in this film is that of inadequacy and the desire to be part of the in-crowd. Hell, even being part of the slightly less than pond-scum crowd would satisfy this cast. The 'good looking' teens naturally have their own internal problems that no one else is aware of. Beau has a small pecker, and Krystal is apparently just discovering her homosexual side. The freaks however, relish in the painful truth of their existence and they don't take much issue with it; except for Tara that is. The only one out of the whole cast that really seems to have their head on straight is Harley. He is a very caring person and illustrates on numerous occasions how passionate he is about those in his charge. He doesn't abuse them or even exploit them really. He genuinely regards them as his family and doesn't feel as if he is standing on a higher plateau than those he works with. He even performs in the carnival himself. The movie is worth watching for his performance alone. Wolf Girl is a moderately entertaining flick, and I would recommend it to anyone who has a passing interest in Werewolf flicks. It doesn't measure up to Howling I or American Werewolf in London, but it's a fuck of a lot better than Howling 2-7 or some of those other half-ass werewolf wannabe flicks. The Bad: It's a very tricky thing when a director decides to explore a moral angle with his film. Some times (on rare occasion) it works, but most times it turns into a complete flop. The Aesop fable presented here is fairly obvious and a little ham-fisted at times. I would have appreciated it more, if the lesson were delivered to us with a bit more subtlety and maybe even the most remote hint of panache. But instead, it's forcibly crammed down our gullet with the gnashing speed and ferocity of Oprah Wimfrey at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Once more into the breach dear friends. Here we have another film that illustrates how the 'beautiful' people are actually insecure cretins and the 'monsters' are actually just callously misunderstood yet mentally stable victims of a world that hates and fears them. Well slap my ass and call me Sally, why don't we just phone Professor fucking X while we're at it? I'm sure he could use a few more of these cross-dressing slope-headed freaks in the X-Men. We could have ourselves a mutant sing-a-long by gum! There's nothing more exciting than watching Captain Pencil Pecker, Mustache Girl, Snot Slinger, Squid Lip and Dark Labia sounding the claxon call of battle for the rights of ugly people across the globe! Quick! Hand me a tissue and my ACLU card I think I'm going to cry! But I digress. I would have preferred it more if the dynamic between the 'good' guys and the 'bad' guys weren't so obvious. I know we're supposed to sympathize with the freaks in this film, but just once I'd like to see a cast of carneys where some of them are actually assholes. Even the little geeky kid turns out to be a hero of sorts. He helps out the heroine, stands up to the villain blah, blah, blah. The problem with this sort of humanitarian theme is that it paints a grossly unrealistic portrait of people in general. In our heart of hearts, we all like to believe that those of us who are blessed with beauty or rippling biceps are actually vapid, mal-adjusted churlish, date-raping malcontents. Deep down inside, we want to tarnish the brass ring that these Olympian paragons of virtue hold so ever so tightly to their perfectly chiseled chest. But alas, reality is not that formulaic. It probably never occurred to some of these cinematic artistes that maybe the buxom blonde with legs up to her neck is actually a kind and caring soul. Or on the converse, maybe Robbie the Goat-Headed porn star really IS a pedantic sniveling asshole. We can bemoan the social atrocity of judging a book by its cover until the fucking cows come home, but sometimes if it smells and looks like a shit sandwich, chances are it really IS a shit sandwich. I don't care WHAT kind of bread you use. Is beauty REALLY skin deep or is that just something that ugly people tend to believe? Now I may sound a tad bit insensitive here in my dichotomy of the trials and tribulations of a carnival side-show freak, but well; lets face it. They're carnival sideshow freaks for a reason. I don't care how 'topical' or 'socially relevant' the director tries to make his film, the fact remains that if you have a guy who was born with an ass for a face, he is NOT going to be "Okay" with it! He is NOT going to be 'adjusted' and he is NOT going to be 'accepting' of the cards that fate has dealt him. He's going to be a pissed off, mean spirited, cantankerous engine of seething hate and emotion because that is the way people behave when they discover that they were born with an ASS for a face. Need more proof? Look at Janet Reno. Okay, enough with my scathing, politically incorrect and anti-humanitarian soapbox. Lets make fun of Grace Jones shall we? Now while I admit that Grace Jones plays the character she was born to play in this movie (Cosmetic enhancements not withstanding), she really is one creepy fucking bitch. Little kiddies may watch this flick and go on to have nightmares of Tara the Wolf Girl who stalks them in their dreams. But quite frankly, the thought that wakens me in the middle of the night screaming in a cold sweat is the image of Grace Jones standing at the foot of my bed wearing nothing but a sadistic gold-plated smile and a cock-ring. When taking that into consideration, Tara seems fairly tame by comparison. Now here we have a gal (And I use the term EVER so loosely) who REVELS in the fact that she is an androgynous muscle bound testosterone filled Sasquatch. She exploits herself in every film she appears in and actually seems to get off on the fact that everyone is physically repulsed by her. I could say a lot more about how the waning decline of Western civilization could be directly correlated to the career schedule of any movie featuring Grace Jones, but truth to tell I'm kind of afraid that she may read this review and hunt me down and man-fuck me in the eyeball. So in the interest of sparing you as well as my penisally virginal eye-socket any more added strife, I shall conclude my review here. Great Lines: Can't remember any. I'll have to research it again, providing that Grace Jones doesn't beat me to death with her fun bags before I get the chance to watch the movie again. Overall Rating: 5 out of 10 severed heads. |
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