Have you ever been to the place in your life
where you just felt empty?

Have you ever hurt so much that breathing took an effort?
Well, so have I. I share this heartbreak with you in hopes
that you will feel less alone and somehow realize there is
life after being shattered and broken.

I met him and it was magic. We looked at each other and knew
this was the love that people write about. This was electrical
and musical and the rockets were going off non-stop.

It was a whirlwind and after months of phone calls and letters
there came the ring at Christmas. I don't think my feet touched
the ground after meeting him. He could never do enough for me!

Valentines week came and I got a musical arrangement and then
a dozen red roses. I felt my life had finally taken on wings and
nothing could possibly bring me down. This was the Love of my Life!

After night after night of hour long phone calls, I came to Friday
and he didn't answer the phone. I called again and again and finally he
said that we couldn't be. He said not to call or write, it wouldn't do
any good. I asked over and over what I had done, what was wrong
yet no answer came.

My world took a nose dive and I didn't think I would survive the
devastation. I prayed and wondered and wondered and prayed and still
I knew nothing.

Months went by and my daughter finally found out, he was dying with
cancer. He refused to see me, he never talked to me again and I was
just cut off.

He left the world never allowing me to say goodbye. He never let me
love him enough to be with him to the end. So for over a year
I just couldn't even speak his name. My hurt was so deep, I thought, ok
I can not feel anything if I drink. So, I drank and cried and cried
and drank. I kept people away from me and became cold outside toward
the world. Well, if you don't let anyone close, you can't get hurt, right?

Well, one day the Lord started talking with me, in His Own Way. He
said, you know just because some people don't have the faith to
allow you to share their grief, doesn't mean you have to be the same.
He said, I created you to be who you are and I want to use you and
bless you but you are going to have to be willing. I didn't have a clue
what I could do that was so important or good. Who am I? I'm just a
broken person and what can I do? Well, I had been a Deputy Sheriff and
Jail Matron and I really loved doing that. However, the Lord seemed to be
nudging me and I went back to school and became a nurse.

Somehow my need to be needed and wanted started being filled by
those I could take care of and minister to. Now I work in a prison
as a nurse and I witness for Him while giving health care.

Have I forgotten the pain? No...it still makes me sad that this man
could not have enough faith in God or me to allow me to be there for
him and us.

In my heart, I believe that somehow, someway, the Lord is going to
use this pain and turn it around for my good one day by allowing me
to experience the love I have longed for. I know without a doubt that
Jesus has made me promises and I am going to hold out to see them
come true.

So, I come to the place of telling you that without my faith in
the Lord, I would have no hope. I would have nothing and that would be
the darkest, deepest kind of despair imaginable....
I would be empty
I would be nothing without Him.