Avi's Kosher General Humor Page

Bald spot
No. of Fingers
Age
MAD COWS
A Modest Survey
Soviet Union
Product Quotes
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

Bald spot

A balding gentleman goes to a dermatologist, who tells him to buy a rabbit and put it on his head.

"A rabbit?" asked the man. "How will that help?"

"Well, from a distance it looks like hare," the doctor said.

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No. of Fingers

Two professors of theoretical mathematics were debating how many fingers people have.

"Nine!" -- said one.
"Ten!" -- the other insisted.
Unable to convince one another through logical induction or proof, they decided to count.
"I say there are ten!" said one, lifting up his hands. "Go ahead and count!"
"Zero, one, two, three,..." began the other.

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Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. (Mark Twain)

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MAD COWS

Two cows are having a chat (sh*moo*zing?) in the English countryside:
One cow says to the other: "Bert, aren't you worried about this terrible new disease that everyone's talking about?"
"Not at all," answers Bert.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a squirrel."

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A Modest Survey

A pollster approaches an American. a Pole, a mainland Chinese, and an Israeli and says to each, "Excuse me. What is your opinion of the meat shortage?"
The American: "What's a 'shortage'?"
The Pole: "What's 'meat'?"
The Chinese: "What's an 'opinion'?"
The Israeli: "What's 'excuse me'?"

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Soviet Union

A man in Kiev in 1952 gets a letter from Moscow's CSBMV (Central Soviet Bureau of Motor Vehicles). At last, his request to buy a car has been approved.
Immediately, he calls Kiev's CDLDA (Central Department of Licencing and Distribution of Automobiles) and is given an appointment for Tuesday, October 3, 1963.
"Morning or Afternoon?" he asks.
"Tavahrisch!" laughs the official. "That's ten years from now! What difference is it to you if you come in the morning or the afternoon?"
"Well," says the man, "the plumber's coming in the morning..."

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Product Quotes

Silly quotes from actual consumer product packages and instructions, as well as from newspapers:

• From a kid's Superman costume for Halloween (stitched into the cape's tag) -- "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly."
  
• From a Pop-Tart box -- "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated."
  
• From a newspaper article -- "A congressionally funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages"
  
• From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet -- "Warning: Do Not Use While Sleeping."
  
• On the package for Top Cog fan belts (for automobiles) -- "Do not change the belt while the engine is running."
  
• Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant --"Caution: DO NOT LICK LID."
  
• Written on the back of one of those things you put in your car windshield on sunny days when you park to keep your dash from melting -- "DO NOT OPERATE VEHICLE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE."
  
• From the Indigo PC Owners Manual pp.6-9 -- "Hardware Dos and Don'ts: Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers."
  
• On a box of those cloth roller towels in a restroom -- "Warning! Improper use may cause serious injury or death!"

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ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:

• Include your Children when Baking Cookies
  
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  
• Farmer Bill Dies in House
  
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  
• Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  
• Stud Tires Out
  
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  
• Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  
• Eye Drops off Shelf
  
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  
• Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  
• Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  
• War Dims Hope for Peace
  
• If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  
• Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  
• Deer Kill 17,000
  
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  
• Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
  
• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  
• Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
  
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  
• New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  
• Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  
• Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  
• Air Head Fired
  
• Steals Clock, Faces Time
  
• Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
  
• Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  
• Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
  
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  

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