Lawyer Jokes
So why does New York have all the lawyers and New Jersey all the landfills? New Jersey got first pick.
What's the difference between a dead lawyer lying in the middle of the road, and a dead dog lying in the middle of the road? You won't find skid marks in front of the lawyer.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers on the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean? A good start.
What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? Your Honor.
A wealthy lawyer is taking a relaxing drive through the country-side when he notices two men sitting along the road eating grass. Directing his driver to stop the limousine, he asks the men why they would be doing such a thing.
"Begging your pardon, sir, but we have nothing to eat and no money to buy food!"
"Well, then," the lawyer says, "come with me!"
"But, sir, I've got a wife and three kids!" says the first man. "I've got a wife and six kids!" says the second.
"That's great," says the lawyer, "bring them along!" So they all crowd into the lawyer's limo and start driving back to his mansion.
As they're driving the first man turns to the lawyer and says, "I've just got to thank you, sir, for your incredible kindness... taking us all in off the street and..."
"Oh, think nothing of it!" interrupted the lawyer. "The grass at my house must be at least two feet high!"
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You remove your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
Why have scientists started using lawyers in laboratory tests instead of rats? There are some things even a rat won't do.
Why do medical researchers use lawyers in lab tests instead of rats? They found that they were getting attached to the rats.
What should you do when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Get more sand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
How do you save a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
If two lawyers were caught in a burning house, and you could only save one of them, would you go have some lunch or read the newspaper?
What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-dwelling scum-sucker and the other is just a fish.
What's the difference between a dog and a lawyer? Eventually, the dog will stop chasing an ambulence.
What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer? One's a blood-sucking manifestation of absolute evil, the other is only imaginary.
Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a plane full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour unless his demands were met.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman.
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? People couldn't decide which side to spit on.