2. Never sleep with your boss or co-worker. Just kidding. You should do both, often and preferably at the same time, using information you get from them to pit them against each other.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka. Then go out driving in the rain, after taking sleeping pills.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant. This fools everyone! Even the father of your imaginary child, while sleeping in the same bed with you or holding you, will not be able to tell you've got a pillow stuffed under your dress. And then, its perfectly OK to steal someone else's baby and pretend that its yours.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If your spouse is the one with the money, hide all the money in a Swiss bank account and fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out. And when tying someone up, it is never necessary to use more than a slip knot on the ropes.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money... or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.
13. When you're blackmailing your husband, lover or boss, NEVER, EVER put the blackmail evidence in a safe deposit box, instead, hide it in your desk drawer or in your makeup case, so they won't have any trouble finding it.
14. Never sleep with someone right before your wedding UNLESS that person is a member of the wedding party or is related to your future spouse.
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Everyone has an evil twin or sibling who was given up at birth and raised by a looney grandmother, and this evil twin/sibling is just waiting for the right moment to pretend to be your friend just long enough to:
a. steal your identity
b. steal your spouse
c. steal your children's love
d. steal your fortune
e. lock you in chains in that dungeon you've been meaning to have removed from your basement.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you're visiting someone in the hospital and he or she needs medical attention, reach over and start smothering him/her, and sure enough, a nurse or doctor will walk right in.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.
20. If your kids are a hassle, DON'T send them away to school. They will come back as grown adults in two weeks and cause you even more grief.
21. If you ever happen to bury someone alive, or lock them up in a secret room or basement dungeon, NEVER gag that person's mouth, otherwise no one will be able to hear him/her scream for help.
22. When poisoning someone to death, don't do it all in one dose, but rather slowly, in small doses over several weeks to give someone enough time to figure out what's going on and make sure to not use a rare and exotic toxin so any small town doctor who graduated from med school in two months can identify and trace back to you.
23. If you attempt to murder someone and they survive, visit them at the hospital. Of course they won't be able to speak or finger you when they wake up, but it'll be fun watching their facial expressions as they try to make people understand that you did it.
24. When you find out that you are pregnant by your ex, don't run over and tell him right away, wait months and months, all the while pretending to hate him while secretly still being in love with him.
25. If you haven't been married or pregnant once by the time you're 18, you're doing something wrong.
26. If you know of a secret that will destroy the relationship of a supercouple, you MUST wait until the wedding ceremony to tell them.
27. If you claim that one man is the father of your child when in fact his father or brother is, chances are that the child is going to need a life-saving organ transplant that only the true father can donate.
28. If you go skiing with an ex-love, your sibling's spouse or someone you hate, chances are you're gonna get trapped in the cold and the only way to survive will be to strip naked and make mad passionate love, just as your one true love arrives to rescue you.
29. If your one true love disappears or is assumed dead, and you want that person back, fall in love with someone else and sure enough your one true love will show up at the wedding.
30. No matter how many times you almost die in plane crashes, earthquakes, tidal waves, floods or volcanic eruptions, vacationing on Caribbean islands you've never heard of, which are populated by headhunting cannibals that shoot poison darts at you, can be wonderful experiences.
31. If you ever happen to fake your own death, no one will notice or recognize you sitting in the back of the church at your own funeral wearing only a pair of sunglasses and a big black hat as your disguise.
32. Its perfectly OK to be bad as long as you can blame it on a life-threatening brain disease, oriental herbs, a voodoo curse, jungle fever, demonic possession or the repressed memory that it was really you who was raised by your looney grandmother and kept in the attic and not your evil twin.
- Sent to me by Anita.