Stay at Home Index

Articles

Links

< return to articles index

At Her Own Pace

When she was little she wanted to be with me all the time (I had breasts, and Daddy didn’t). Then as she grew older, she began to love to play with her daddy. He held her a lot and their bond grew. Now she often excitedly chooses to go to the store with Daddy instead of stay at home with me and her little brother Calvin. Honestly, when Ellen is gone, Calvin and I feel a bit lost. We happily play together in her absence, but we sure do enjoy the bubbling exuberance Ellen brings with her when she returns.

I used to wonder not that long ago how I would know she was “ready” to stay with other people besides her me or her daddy. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can trust her to let me know, for in the last year or so she has started to ask to stay with her grandparents. We visit my husband’s mom’s house sometimes in the afternoon, and when my son was a baby and I was exhausted, a few times he and I went upstairs to take a nap, and Grandma watched Ellen. That’s how we started out. So far, so good!

Then one day when it was time to go home, she insisted that she wanted to stay with Grandma. We decided to give it a shot. She was ready to come home within half an hour. But now she wants to stay for several hours. And who is impatient for the stay to end? Well, let’s just say it’s not Ellen.

I was reminded of the need to listen to my daughter when the other day I made arrangements for her to stay with her grandma without getting my daughter’s agreement. I wanted to take my 18 month-old son to the doctor after he fell a long distance and landed on his head, and I thought it would be easiest if my mother-in-law watched Ellen during this time. I thought she would enjoy being with her grandma, so I asked Grandma if she could come down and get Ellen (she lives just up the street). Bad choice on my part.

Grandma arrived at our house to pick up Ellen bringing a barrette that Ellen has lost outside. Though Ellen was very happy about getting her barrette back, Ellen adamantly insisted that she didn’t want to stay with Grandma. She wanted to go with Mommy. She began crying and loudly proclaimed in an accusing tone of voice, “If you don’t want to be with me, then fine!” She looked at me with huge sad eyes and a quivering bottom lip. I quickly saw that I had made a bad choice and didn’t quite know how to make things right.

My mother-in-law insistently told Ellen that she needed to stay with her, that it was most important that Calvin be taken to the doctor, and tried to bribe her with offers of cake and ice cream. I cringed and knew inside that Ellen could come with me, but I felt very unsure of going against what my mother-in-law was saying. Finally, with Ellen’s desire to go with me seeming not to waver, I decided that it didn’t matter what anyone else thought. I had to answer my child’s cries. I knew I, her Mommy, had to stand up for my daughter. Finally I said, “Ellen can come with me,” and reached out my hand to take her with me.

Her grandma’s demeanor clearly showed her disapproval. She seemed to take Ellen’s desire to go with me as a rejection of her, for she acted offended at Ellen and seemed to want to show her how hurt she felt. She said that she was going to take Ellen’s barrette back (even though I had put it away and she didn’t know where it was), and her threat greatly worried Ellen. Then Ellen told her grandma that she could come to visit her tomorrow, and her grandma coldly said, “No. If you don’t come with me now, you can’t come tomorrow.”

Feeling horrible that I had needlessly put my daughter through this, I quietly and quickly took her out to the car, and she climbed into her booster seat. After I strapped her brother in his carseat, I talked with Ellen. She clearly struggled with ambivalent feelings. She tearfully told me she would miss Grandma, but that if she went with Grandma she would miss me. I assured her that I would miss her, too, but that I wouldn’t be away too long and that she would have fun at Grandma’s. Then I told her it was her choice: she could go with me or stay with Grandma. Speaking with a shaky voice, she chose to go with Grandma. Grandma was walking by our car to go back to her house, and I told her that Ellen wanted to go with her. Ellen hesitatingly went and stood by her and sadly waved goodbye to Calvin and me as I pulled out of the driveway and drove off.

Was I a softy or a whimp for “giving in” to my daughter and saying she could come with me if she wanted to? No way. We have never made her stay with anyone against her strong wishes, why start now? I (and her daddy) know her better than anyone else does. As her parent, I have the right to make the choices I feel are best for her. My children’s well-being comes first. And I have learned my lesson: next time I will make sure Ellen wants to stay with her grandma before I ask her grandma to watch her.

My precious daughter is growing up. She is starting to want to stay with other people. Her ambivalence is normal. I vow to listen to my daughter and to be sensitive to her needs. I want our bond of trust and love to be strengthened, and I will continue to be there for her as she grows into independence at her own rate.

Published August 2000
Written in June 2000 for my column at ApronStrings Parenting