Just a few lines each month to make you Chuckle,
I hope!
Kookum, a wonderful lady from Florida, I have
the pleasure of knowing,
sends out a daily dose of jokes to a extensive
mailing list.
I look forward every morning to my mail for
my "daily chuckle"
and will share them here with you.
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there
were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old,
who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever
went wrong in the neighborhood,
it turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying
to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with
delinquent boys,
the mother suggested to the father that they
ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The father replied, "Sure, do that before
I kill them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her
request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger
boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge,
impressive desk he sat behind.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared
at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger
at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners
of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy
and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the
priest leaned far across the desk
and put his forefinger almost to the boy's
nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into
the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean,
BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing
and they think we did it."
Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, a priest and
a hippie are on a commuter airplane,
when smoke begins billowing from the engine.
All four of them look to the emergency kit
and they see there are only three parachutes. Clinton leaps up and says,
"I'm the president of the U.S. and leader of the free world.
I must live." And he grabs one of the
parachutes and jumps out.
Gingrich leaps up and says, "I'm the
smartest man in the world, I must live."
And he grabs one and jumps out.
The priest gets up and turns to the hippie,
and says,
"My son, I'm a cleric. I've spent my
life contemplating spiritual things,
and I'm ready to meet my Lord. I have no fear
of death.
You are young with your whole life ahead of
you,
I want you to take the last 'chute."
The hippie gets up slowly and says,
"Padre, it's cool. The smartest man in
the world just jumped out with my backpack."
I had a near death experience that has changed
me forever.
The other day I went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse
starts bouncing out of control.
I tried with all my might to hang on, but
was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse,
my foot gets caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, I fell head first to the
ground.
My head continued to bounce harder as the
horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness,
the WALMART manager came
and UNPLUGGED it.
Thank God for heros.
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother
what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God
sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites
out of Egypt.
When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers
build a pontoon bridge
and all the people walked across safely.
Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio
headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and
all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your
teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the
way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Mom's Brownies
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven
to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no,
no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean
cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and
bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches
sustained
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open
all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure
party on the line the call was a mistake.
Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed
call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat
all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved
cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time
and he's still able to run away.
Frosting
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4
cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler
and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice
policeman that you didn't know
Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading
for the street.
Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil,
stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for
Billy having stuck a garden hose
in man's front door mail slot. Promise to
pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
One day a little girl was watching her mom
make a great roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned
it and set it in the great roasting pan.
The little girl asked her mom why she cut
off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was
the way thather mother had done it.
That night grandma came to dinner and the
little girl and her mom went to her
and asked why she had cut the end off of the
roast before cooking.
After some thought grandma replied, that was
the way her mother had done it.
Now great grandmother was quite old and in
a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see
her and again asked the question.
Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said,
"Why so it would fit in the pan, of course.
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the
stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He
looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No
really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He
hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely
glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of
nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's
with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're
complimentary."
An usher at a theater saw a patron who was
sprawled out over 3 seats. The usher came up and told the guy to move.
The guy yelled something incoherent, but didn't move.
The usher got the manager who said to the
man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed."
The guy screamed at the manager, but didn't get up.
So the manager called the police. When the
officer arrived and was told about the situation he decided the best course
of action was to get the man to calm down. The cop approached the man and
said, "Hey mister. What's your name?"
The man said,"Pete."
The cop asked, "Where ya from,Pete?"
"The balcony." he replied.
A farmer out on his tractor plowing the fields.
He hears and sees a car come speeding much to fast down the dirt along
side of the fields. The car did not slow down going around a sharp curve,
it spun off the road and down in the ditch. The farmer ran to give aid
to the driver and inquired as to his well being. The driver answered "I
am okay. I am a preacher and I have the Lord riding with me". The
farmer replied "Well, sir, you'd better let him ride with me, the
way you drive, you're going to kill him"
Why won't lobsters share their dinner? ...
They are shellfish.
A dog meets another dog and asks, "How
ya doing?"
The other dog replies, "I think I'm having
a nervous breakdown."
The first dog suggests that he go to a psychiatrist.
The other dog answers, "You know I'm
not allowed on the couch."
Dieters Psalm
My weight is my shepherd;
I shall not want low-calorie foods.
It maketh me to munch on potato chips and
bean dip;
It leadeth me into 31 Flavors;
It restoreth my soul food;
It leadeth me in the path of cream puffs in
bakeries.
Yea, though I waddle through the valley of
weight watchers,
I will fear no skimmed milk;
For my appetite is with me;
My "Twinkies" and "Ding Dongs",
they comfort me;
They anointeth my body with calories;
My scale tippeth over!
Surely chubbiness and contentment shall follow
me
All the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of Marie Calender
Pies ....forever!
What
do you call a chicken crossing the road? ... Poultry in motion.
Some years ago, during the depression, jobs
were very scarce.
A man who was really getting desparate was
out looking for a job.
He went to the local zoo. He was told by the
zoo keeper there was nothing available,
but the man was persistent, he had a wife
and a bunch of kids to feed.
Finally the zoo keeper said there was one
possibility,
if the man would put on a gorilla suit and
pretend he was a gorilla.
The zoos gorilla had died and the zoo just
didn't have the money
right then to replace it. So the man gladly
took the job.
He did quite well at it too, swinging from
tree to tree, making faces at the crowd, etc.
One of the tricks he did really got laughs
-- he would swing high up on a rope,
over the pit where the lion was. Each day
he got more daring,
swinging right over the lion, and the lion
would jump
and make passes at him. The crowd cheered,
ooo-ed and ah-ed.
One day, as he was swinging over the lions
den, the rope broke and
down he went into the den. The lion pounced
up him, roaring ferouciously,
the man was screaming bloody murder for help.
Much to his surprise the lion
said in a stern voice into his ear,
"Shut up you fool, fight and make it
look good before we both lose our jobs."
abigail96@oocities.com
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