New jokes (9-15-03)
Once in a while the Arizona Republic, our local rag, actually prints the truth about the cruds. The following excerpts are from the Wednesday, December 30, 1998 sports section (page 2). They're from a section called You Don't Say.
The next year was again very bad and the child was told that he could only choose one gift. The little boy said, "I want a Mickey Mouse shirt." He got the shirt
The
third year was much better. The father told his son that
Christmas that he could
have whatever he
wanted. The excited little boy shouted, "I want a
Mickey Mouse outfit
So his dad bought him the Arizona Cardinals!
This one was sent to me by BlackEye:
JAKE THE FRUIT CAKE
Special thanks to Gabriel O. for sending in this great group of new jokes!!!!
CARDINALS SCHEDULE FOR 2004
08/29: Spanish-American War Vets
09/05: Northeastern Idaho Junior College
09/12: Phoenix Blind Academy
09/19: St. Wilgefortis Boys Choir
09/26: Cub Scout Troop #46875
10/03: DeKalb High School
10/10: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (Columbus Day special)
10/17: Korean Amputees
10/24: Girl Scout Troop #379721
10/31: Cincinnati Bengals
11/07: Wisconsin School For The Deaf
11/14: Cumberland (team which once lost to Georgia Tech 222-0)
11/25: Dallas Cowboys (Thanksgiving game)
12/05: Clinton Rosette Middle School
12/12: Marmion Academy
12/19: Pop-Warner Team (TBA)
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR
1. When playing Girl Scouts, Cardinals must not eat their cookies.
2. When playing the blind academy, Cardinals must not hide the football under their jerseys.
RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR
1. A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line, for all you Cardinal fans who've forgotten what this is) is still worth 6 points.
2. The Cardinals will be allowed 47 men on the field at all times.
3. The Cardinals will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time during the course of the game.
4. The Cardinals will be allowed 38 time-outs per quarter.
5. The Cardinals will be awarded a first down with each gain of 3 yards or more.
NAME CHANGE: The Cardinals
will be renamed the Losersville Tampons, since
they are good for only one period and have no second string.
Their website
has been discontinued, since they will never put three W's
together.
_____________________________
CARDINALS JOKES
Two boys were playing football in a Dallas area park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a plank of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Cowboys Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," she starts writing in her notebook.
"But I'm not a Cowboys fan," the boy replies.
"Redskins Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," the reporter starts again.
"I'm not a Redskins fan either," the boy says. "I'm a Cardinals fan."
The reporter writes on a new sheet in her notebook: "Redneck Bastard Kills Family Pet."
_____________________________
There were three football fans walking towards the Football Hall of Fame when all of a sudden one of them noticed a leg sticking out of the bushes. They moved closer and and noticed that it was a dead naked woman. The Cowboys fan took off his cap and set it on her right breast, the Giants fan took off his hat and set it on her left breast, and the Cardinals fan took off his hat and set it on her groin area. Shortly after that the police showed up and the sherriff started his inspection. He picked up the Cowboys cap and put it back down and took notes. Then he looked under the Giants cap and put it back down and took notes. Then the sherriff looked under the Cardinals cap and put it back down again and again. The Cardinals fan got upset and asked the sherriff "Why keep looking under my cap?" The sherriff said "Every time I see a Cardinals cap I expect to see an idiot's hair!"
_________________________________
Q: Why doesn't Tucson have an NFL team?
A: Because then Phoenix would want one too!
_______________________________
Quarterback Jake Plummer
died after living a full life. When he got to
heaven, God started showing him around. They came to a modest
little house
with a faded Cardinals flag in the window.
"This is your special house, Jake," said God.
"This is very special; not
everyone gets a house up here." Brett felt special, indeed,
and walked up to
his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just
around the
corner. It was a Texas-sized 150-story mansion with a silver and
blue
sidewalk, a 2750-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Cowboy logo
flag, and a
silver star in every window.
Jake looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be
ungrateful, but I
have a question. I was an All-Pro Quarterback, I won a Super
Bowl, and I
even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So, what do you want to know, Jake?"
Jake said, "Why does Troy Aikman get a better house than
me?"
God chuckled and said, "Jake, that's not Troy Aikman's
house, it's mine."
_________________
Q: Why do Cardinals fans go
to Sun Devil Stadium when there is a tornado
warning?
A: Because there are no touchdowns there!
Q: What is the difference between shredded wheat and the Arizona Cardinals?
A: Shredded wheat belongs in a bowl!
Q: How many Arizona Cardinals does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which they all show up!