The Preacher and the Song Leader There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service. One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader then led the song, "I Shall Not Be Moved." The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader then led the song, "Jesus Paid It All." The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song, "I Love To Tell the Story." The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The song leader then led the song, "Oh, Why Not Tonight." As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus who was taking him away. The song leader then led the song, "What A Friend We Have In Jesus." Church Bulletin Goofs Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church bulletins: Don't let worry kill you, let the church help. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Potluck supper Thursday night--prayer and medication to follow. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience." The Golf Match The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes." Wrong Address! Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here. Super Sunday Terminology Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the closing hymn. Draw Play - What many children do with the order of service during worship. Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave. Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service. Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations. Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime." Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member. Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life. Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service. Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer. Dying In The Service One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood quietly beside Johnny and said quietly, "Good morning, son." "Good morning, Pastor," replied Johnny, still focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" he asked. "Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" The Substitute Organist The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! Bear Christianity It seems a pastor from Alaska skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian!!!!" Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God bless this food which I am about to receive."