Life After....by Judi Keith

My fella, Brett, was released in May. I had been stewing about what to write in my column for this issue, until in a recent letter, Patrick (of the PATRICK Crusade), suggested that I write about something I am living - My mate's adjustment to life after... All the phone calls, letters and visits do not prepare anyone for the feelings that transpire when an inmate is released. This is especially true for those of us who have never experienced any part of the prison system; i.e. the rules and attitudes of the officers, as well as the inmates wants, loves, fears, etc. My wonderful fella and I are settling down a bit now, but in the first days we were together, I found that I was the one who had to make adjustments. I am still trying to understand where he was, and is coming from, and this has been the most trying and hardest time of my life. I have seen some jokes about what to do with people who are transitioning from prison to community, but believe me, don't go there. Be kind, gentle, understanding, and loving, all those things that go into a regular relationship and then go the extra mile. You have to understand when he wakes up at the drop of a hat because you moved or snored too much. You need to know that when he tells you he loves you that he really does, even if his actions seem to be telling you something else! You need to understand when he paces the floor, insists on sitting in a dinner house with his back to the wall, or needs to look out the window at the slightest noise. You need to know that when he won't hug you or hold your hand, that it isn't because he doesn't care. It's because it has been drilled into him that he is only allowed to touch and kiss at the first of the visit and again at the end. You need to remember all the years he has spent without a partner. Years not thinking of the loving aspects of a relationship have taken their toll. Now, all of a sudden he has this female who wants to do all the things she has been used to in a relationship...walking on the beach, romantic dinners by candle light, holding, hugging, and kissing. Add to that, one small dog that wants to be in the middle of the bed with you each night. Wow! What a change, huh? I didn't have a clue what it would be like when this man came home to me, & I'm sure he didn't either. There are the times we have each spoken thoughtlessly, and our words have hurt. There have been disappointments in his life that I know nothing about and I have had to learn to deal with his emotions as well as my own. This we are doing in little increments at a time. Understanding is needed in the field of employment also. The adjustment to society will not come over night and I do not expect him to go out into it unless he really wants to. This may come with time and it may not, but it doesn't matter. Right now, he is beginning a computer based business. He loves the computer and he can make a living in that media. I think it is wonderful he can do this. I am computer illiterate. I can type on it and read mail on AOL and that is about all. The wonderful things that have come of this union far out weigh the bad things. He is very thoughtful, I have not had to clean, wash clothes, do dishes, make the bed, or any of that stuff unless I want to. I do most of the cooking when I'm home, but only because I want to. I work swing shift and I am away from him in the evening. Not the best way to start a relationship I know, but it is my job and right now I can't change shifts. Fortunately we have made that adjustment quite well. The neat stuff? Seeing him: go into a store alone, witout looking behind him or thinking he is being followed or watched; handle money and make purchases without worrying about someone saying NO you can't touch that; walk beside me instead of behind me; take my hand and pull me after him (what a change from following me to the coke machine at visits and requesting me to put the money into the vending macyine); hold the door open for me; light my cigarette, bring me a cup of coffee... In every day life, these may seem like small things, but they are all major adjustments for him. Yes, we have a long way to go, but we are trying to make these changes in our lives to fit each other. Both of us are learning the ways of the other. We have had some wonderful moments together an dI am sure the years of conditioning will fade as we face our future together. When I wrote to Patrick, I told him that i am not versed in the laws that govern our Criminal Justice system, and don't always know what I can do to help prisoners like him. He assured me that I am versed in the best law there ever was, the higher laws of God -- not man. The key to any relationship - trust in our Father in Heaven to help us weave this pattern of love for the other. I know that I will always keep all the inmates and their families in my prayers and do what ever I can in this fight of the Injustice system. As for Brett and I? I will pray for us also, and try to listen to my Father in Heaven's guidance, so I will not make too many blunders. I love this man with all my heart and believe that with love an dunderstanding many things will be accomplished. I hope I have helped those of you that await the day your love will be returning to you. YES - there is an adjustment, and YES - it can be done.

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