I've used it since 1988 and it's
still the best word processor out there (no mail
please)! Normally, I would say that those who use
Word Perfect are above par in the brain power
department, but sometimes that's not the case. Read
this actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect
Customer Support employee and see what I mean!
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.",
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
......"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."
......"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
......"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because
it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm
going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with
water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to
save a few good people, and two of every kind of living
thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for
an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the
blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd
better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very
long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain
began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.
And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my
Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But
there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit
for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet
code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans."
"Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed
a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was
violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had
to get a variance from the city planning commission."
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted
Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the
wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls.
So no owls."
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I
had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we
have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood."
"They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the
Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe."
"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians
I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming
I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I
just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use
tax."
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another
five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow
arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "The Government already has."
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will want only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid. Author Unknown
"Gentlemen," God says. "I have called you here because I am truly disappointed in humans and decided to end the world. You have one week to prepare your people." With a crack of thunder, God sends all three back to Earth.
Bill Clinton calls together his Cabinet and tells them: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is he's really ticked off at us and is going to end the world in a week."
Boris Yeltsin calls together his Parliament and says: "Comrades, I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that He's very mad at us and the world is going to end in a week."
Bill Gates calls together his top engineers and says: "I have good news and better news. The good news is God considers me one of the three most powerful people in the world. The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 95."
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