Heard about the new diet? You eat whatever you want whenever you want, and as much as you want. You don't lose any weight, but it's really easy to stick to.
The miserly millionaire called a family conference. "I'm placing a box of money in the attic," he said. "When I die, I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it's my time to go."
The family respected his wishes. After his death the millionaire's wife looked in the attic. The box was still there. "The fool?" she said. "I told him he should have put it in the basement."
Simon was an avid fisherman, well known for exaggerating the size of "the one that got away." But there came a day when he actually caught two enoumous flounders. He immediately invited a few friends over to dine, then tried to figure out how best to serve the fish. "If I use both," he told his wife, "it will seem otentatious."
"Why not serve a piece of each?" she suggested.
"No, if I cut them up, nobody will believe I caught two giant flounders." Simon racked his brain. Then he had an idea.
The guests were seated at the table when their host strode in with a platter, holding the biggest flounder they'd ever seen. Suddenly Simon stumbled and fell. Everyone cried out in dismay as the fish crashed to the floor, but Simon quickly brushed himself off.
"Dear," he called out to his wife, "bring in the other flounder!"
"What happened?" he asked, worried. "Well, first he kept me waiting for 45 minutes," she said. "Then he double-billed the insurance company."
A golfer was standing in the fairway, about 140 yards out, when a frog whispered from the rough, "Use an 8-iron." The golfer, deep in concentration, pulled out his 8-iron and hit the shot. It rolled right into the cup for an eagle. "Now take me to Vegas," said the frog.
"What?" said the startled golfer, suddenly realizing it was a talking frog.
"You heard me," repeated the frog, "take me to Vegas. I"m obviously a lucky frog, and we'll make a bundle!" So the golfer picked up the frog and they flew to Vegas. In the casino, the frog whispered, "Go to the dice table and bet everything on the pass line." The shooter rolled a seven, and the man with the frog won $100,000. Then the guy took the frog upstairs to his room and the frog said, "Kiss me." When he did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen--deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and 16 years old.
"And I swear, Your Honor, that's how she got in my roon."
Two men were talking, one of them wanted to know the difference between the words aggravation and "irritation."
The other man said, "Hand me the phone book. I'll show you the difference."
He called a number and a woman answered. "Hello," he said, "I'd like to speak to Joe." The woman replied sweetly, "I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number."
The caller apologized and hung up. He waited a minute and then redialed the woman's number. "I'd like to speak to Joe." he said when the woman answered. "You must be the same gentelman who called befofe." she said. "I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number again."
He apoligized once more. A minute later he dialed the same number. "Let me talk to Joe," he said. The woman was by now obviously angry. "I've told you twice that there's no Joe living here! Don't bother me again! With that, she slammed down the phone.
The man turned to his firend and said, "that's irritation." Now I'll show you what aggravation is."
He dialed the number again. When the woman answered, he said: "This is Joe. Did anybody call for me?"
This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10/10/95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS
#1: Please divert your course 14 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of the US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1: THIS IS THE US AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2: This is a lighthouse. . . . Your call.
It has now been three months since I left for collage. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down. . . Okay???
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a dayl
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not hospitalized, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life. . . .However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science. . . and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter
Ann
The little boy raised his hand and asked permission to go to the bathroom. Given permission, he left the classroom but returned a few minutes later and announced, "I can't find it."
The teacher stopped an older boy in the hall and asked him to lead the youngster to the restroom.
The kindergarten kid returned a little later, much relieved, and announced to one and all: "We found it. I had my pants on backwards."
Two men lived side by side in a small rural town. Pat had a large police dog and Tom had a small fluffy dog. One night Pat came home and he was getting out of his car he saw his dog shaking his head from side-to-side. He had something in it's mouth and it looked like it was his neighbors little dog. He ran to his dog and took it out of his mouth. Feeling very bad, he took the small dog down to his cellar and washed and cleaned it up. He waited till it was dark and went over to his neigbors house and put the dog on the porch and put his chain and leash on him and went back home. The next day as he was leaving for work Tom met him and said, "You know Pat, we have some sick people living around here. My small fluffy dog died last week and I buried him in my back yard and this morning I looked in my back yard and saw he was dug up and then when I came out my front door there he was tied up on the porch.
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick." Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answers the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines."
Last Updated by Virginia Young on Thursday, 27 February, 2003 at 9:37 PM.
