WANT ADS

HELP WANTED!

I need someone full time who is willing to be on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Sick leave only when hospitalization is required. Must be able to cook, clean house, do laundry, care for children, feed and clean after dog, do yard work, mow lawn in summer, shovel snow in winter, do shopping, do menu planning, take out trash, pay bills, answer phone and run errands. Must be able to pinch pennies. Must be a chauffeur, teacher and lover. Also must be a friend and a companion. Must be patient and cannot complain. Speak only when spoken to or when you have something to say that might interest me.

If you are interested, please leave message. I will contact you when I feel like talking.

This want ad was placed on a husbands dinner plate to show him what it would cost him to pay for what she did for him and to show him what it would cost to replace her.

For Sale

One Used Ark For Sale,
Used Only 40 Days And 40 Nights

Crazy Newspaper Ads


As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in
the cartoons and comic strips:

· Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the family.

· Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

· For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
  large drawers .

· For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
  chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

· Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

· Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

· We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.

· No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
  it really repellent.

· For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

· Great Dames for sale.

· Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

· Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

· Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

· Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

· Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
  the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

· The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
  other athletic facilities.

· Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

· Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
  Automatically burns toast.

· Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
  of women wear nothing else.

· Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

· Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

· For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

· For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

· Man, honest.  Will take anything.

· Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month. References
  required.

· Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

· Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

· Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!

· Christmans tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

· Wanted: Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

· Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

· 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.

· Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals,
  and smacks included.

· Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

· Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll
  never go anywhere again.

· See ladies blouses.  50% off!

· Wanted: Preparer of food.  Must be dependable, like the food business,
  and be willing to get hands dirty.

· Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Blue Cross
  and salary.

· Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
  general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to growth
  of family.

· Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
  efficient beating.

· Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

· Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

· And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
  unrivaled inconvenience.

· We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
  $1.00.

Guide To Calorie-Burning Activities


Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . 75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... 50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .  . . .25
Throwing your weight around
 (depending on your weight). . . . . . . . .  ..  50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . .. . . .. . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . .  .  .. . . . . . . . .250
Making mountains out of molehills.. . . . . . .  . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . . .. . . . . . 50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . . . . . . .   300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  75
Jumping on the bandwagon  . . . . . . . . .  . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . .  .25
Running around in circles  . . . . . . . .  . . . .. 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   .25
Climbing the ladder of success  . . . . . .  . . .. .750
Pulling out the stops . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..75
Adding fuel to the fire . . . . . . . . . .  . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . . . .  . . . ..12
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . . . .  . . . . 50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . . . .  . ..  .300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . . . .  . . .. .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . .. .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . . . . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . . . . . . . . 8



Last Updated by Virginia Young on Thursday, 27  February, 2003 at 9:47 PM.


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