Womanspeak
Courtesy of:
The Funny Farm - Awesome, CLEAN Humor!
http://www.oocities.org/~funny-farm/
--Womanspeak....vs.... English
--You want = You want
--We need = I want
--It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
--Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
--We need to talk = I need to complain
--Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
--I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat
(b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
your last $5, and go drive across town and
get me something to eat. -- I don't care if
what you are doing is important.
--I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
--You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
--You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
--I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
--Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
--This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.
--The car is empty = Go fill it up
--The trash is full = Take it out
--The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see
what is wrong
--I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper.....
--I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong
shade of white
--Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
--I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
--Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
--How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.
--I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
--Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
--You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
--Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
--Please walk me home = Let's go make out.
--It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.
--Yes = No
--No = No
--Maybe = No
--I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
--Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix,
so you'd better get use to it.
--Was that the baby ? = Why don't you get out of bed and
walk him until he goes to sleep.
--I'm not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
--All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping
at the cosmetics department, the shoe
department, I need to look at a few
new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's
a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these
pink sheets look great in the bedroom
and did you bring your checkbook?
In response to "What's Wrong?":
--The same old thing. = Nothing.
--Nothing. = Everything.
--Everything. = My PMS is acting up.
--Nothing, really. = It's just that you're such an _______.
--I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.
--What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you.
