Stupid Quotations

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A treasury of ignorance, malapropism, misunderstanding and mistake

So long as any amount shall remain unpaid under this note, the Borrower covenants and promises to that Bank that the borrower will not permit or suffer to exist any of the following conditions: death of the borrower.
American Security Bank loan agreement

We're not afraid of challenges. It's like we always say: if you want to go out in the rain, be prepared to get burned.
Anonymous Brazillian Soccer Player

How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.
Anonymous Manufacturer

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.
Anonymous Traffic Report

This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time.
Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
Arab News report

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
Batman Costume warning label

Sure the body count in this movie bothers me, but what are you gonna do? It's what everybody likes. At least its not an awful body count--it's a fun body count.
Bonnie Bedelia, actress, regarding the movie Die Harder

Well, I used to look like this when I was young and now I still do.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

It was pretty good. Even the music was nice.
Yogi Berra, after attending an opera

Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.
Yogi Berra, to Johnny Bench

What good is the moon if you can't buy or sell it?
Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader

I think "immoral" is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word "unethical."
Ivan Boesky, inside stock trader

The Minutemen are not tall in terms of height.
Dan Bonner, CBS sportscaster, during a UMass basketball game

The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others.
Gerry Brown, California governor

Our strength is that we don't have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don't have any real strengths.
Frank Broyles, college football coach

All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it.
George Bush, US President

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.
George Bush, US President

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.
George Bush, US President

Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
Doug Collins, basketball commentator

I wanted all my ducks in a row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed.
Lee Cooke, mayor of Austin, TX, abusing cliches

To forcibly remove a politician from office, one has to meet a much higher standard of dishonesty.
Michael Cooney, Santa Barbara attorney

We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement.
Richard J. Daley, Chicago Mayor

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst`

Ordinary rape and murder just doesn't make it anymore. It's much better to have ultra-violence, chainsaw massacres, X-rated Draculas, and continents sinking into the sea with the entire population lost, at the very least.
Jon Davidson, advertising executive at New World Pictures, on what makes a good movie

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

I find it interesting how we get carried away by the dogma a-la-mode.
Lincoln Diaz-Ballart, US representative from Florida

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

Life is very important to Americans.
Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas

To move cabin, push button of the wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press the number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by natural order. Button retaining pressed position shows received command
Elevator Instructions, Madrid, Spain

We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

It was not my class of people. There was not a producer, a press agent, a director, an actor.
Zsa Zsa Gabor, on the jury used in her assault trial

The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games.
David Garcia, baseball team manager

Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.
Samuel Goldwyn

Keep a stiff upper chin.
Samuel Goldwyn

This book has too much plot and not enough story.
Samuel Goldwyn

You've got to take the sour with the bitter.
Samuel Goldwyn

We're overpaying him but he's worth it..
Samuel Goldwyn

Don't pay any attention to the critics--don't even ignore them.
Samuel Goldwyn

I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

If you don't dissagree with me, how will I know I'm right?
Samuel Goldwyn

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
Samuel Goldwyn

Why only twelve?
Samuel Goldwyn, while filming The Last Supper, (attributed)

Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
Gravestone Inscription

Please deposit your valuables in the management.
Guangdong Victory Hotel instruction Card, Guangdong, China

Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.
Pedro Guerrero, baseball player, on reporters

Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
Hong Kong dental advertisement

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
Lee Iacocca

Secretaries for openings in college administrative areas. Good typing, word processing helpful. Able to interfere with faculty, staff, and students.
Irondequoit, NY want-ad

Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an activity that is not a passive activity.
IRS form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation

You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing.
IRS Training Manual for tax auditors

Please provide the date of your death. from an
IRS letter

If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.
Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

Cheered by their words with an altogether more positive attitude to boxing...I found myself recalling the words of Marlin Brando in On the Waterfront, "I could have been a bartender."
Look Japan
magazine article

Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries.
Japan Times

All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.
Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster

Most of my cliches aren't original.
Chuck Knox, NFL football coach

He was probably our greatest living painter -- until he died.
LBC British Television News

I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day

This is unparalyzed in the state's history.
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

Mattie's Restaurant and Yogurt Palace, "An alternative to Good Eating"
Restaurant Business Card from Decatur, Texas

The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?
Jim McMahon, NFL football quarterback, on Europe

People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?
Imelda Marcos , one-time Phillippine first lady, and owner of 3,000 pairs of shoes

If ever there was a case of clearer evidence than this of persons acting in concert together, this case is that case!
Sir R. Megarry

Can't act. Can't sing. Balding. Can dance a little.
MGM summary of a screen test by some guy named Fred Astaire

No one wants to say the sky is falling, but in this instance I am afraid the emperor has no clothes. Despite Herculean efforts by the Council and Council staff, we are still only dealing with the tip of the iceberg.
Charles Millard, NYC councilman, in a press release

All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.
David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. sign in a
Moscow Hotel

I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.
Richard Nixon, US President

I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version. Colonel
Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar. sign in a
Norwegian cocktail lounge

We've been working on the basics because, basically, we've been having trouble with the basics.
Bob Ojeda, baseball pitcher

It is beyond my apprehension.
Danny Ozark, baseball team manager, regarding his team's losing streak

We are sorry to announce that Mr Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.
Parish Magazine

I didn't know Onward Christian Soldiers was a Christian song.
Aggie Pate, at a non-denominational mayor's breakfast, Fort Worth, Texas

This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important.
H. Ross Perot

These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up.
Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player

Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.
Bill Peterson, football coach

The Lybian army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose.
Muammar Qaddafi

Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.
Dan Quayle, US VP, head of the Space Council

Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
Dan Quayle, US VP

And now the sequence of events in no particular order.
Dan Rather, television news anchor

Seafood brought in by customers will not be entertained.
Restaurant sign in Langkawi, Malaysia

At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.
Sir Boyle Roche

P.S. If you do not receive this, of course it must have been miscarried; therefore I beg you to write and let me know.
Sir Boyle Roche

Order you summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Sign in a tailor's shop

I have nothing to say, and I'll only say it once.
Floyd Smith, NHL Hockey coach

Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.
Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

It's got lots of installation.
Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, describing his new coat

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. article in
Soviet Weekly

You don't tell us how to stage the news, and we don't tell you how to report it.
Larry Speakes, press secretary for President George Bush, addressing the media

Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
Reverand William Spooner, of Oxford, England (for whom the 'Spoonerism' is named)

We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.
Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.
Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel

Q: What should I do if I find a rock in a bag of potatoes? A: Simply return the rock to your grocer, who will give you the rock's weight in potatoes. from a
USDA booklet, titled How to Buy Potatoes

I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents.
George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

Well, that was a cliff-dweller.
Wes Westrum, baseball coach, about a close game

I'm the consul for information, but I don't have any information.
Ofra Ben Yaacoe, Israeli Consul, Chicago

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