Cats Cats Cats

I love cat humor!!!

Here are some things about cats that should put a smile on your face. These are some "funnies" that I've acquired from different people. If you have any funny jokes about cats, send them over. We all need a good laugh once in a while.

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.

Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!
Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening.
He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors contrast with your own.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do which anything. Just sit and stare.
For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 & 4 a.m.

Kitty Litter Cake

Here's a cake recipie every cat lover has to have. I personally haven't tried the recipie out myself, but it does look very interesting. A must to have and try out.
Prepare and bake cake mixes. Prepare pudding mix and chill. Crumble sandwich cookies in blender for a short time.....not to dust. Set aside all but 1/4 cup; To the 1/4 cup add a few drops of green food coloring. When cakes are cooled, crumble into large bowl. Toss with half of the cookie crumbs and the pudding mixture. Line a new, clean litter box with plastic liner. Put the mixture into the litter box. Put tootsie rolls that have been softened in the microwave and formed into the litter. Repeat with more tootsie rolls and roll them in the crumbs putting them partway into the litter. Scatter other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter green cookie crumbs over top so it looks like chlorophyll in the litter. Heat the remaining tootsie rolls and scrape them onto the cake and sprinkle with crumbs. Serve with a new pooper scooper. Put newspaper under the litter box and sprinkle a few crumbs.

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

by Peggy Althoff

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Thoughts on Cats

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."

- Dave Platt

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

- Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

- Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

- Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs believe they are human.

Cats believe they are God."

"One cat just leads to another."

- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."

- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."

- Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."

- Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."

- Hippolyte Taine

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."

- Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."

- Ernest Menaul

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."

- Colette

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be;

Unless my cats are there to welcome me."

- Anonymous

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."

- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."

- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."

- Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."

- John S. Nichols

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will p**s on your computer."

- Bruce Graham

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."

1997 E-mail me with any of your suggestions for my web page, your personal favorite wav files, pics, links or stories and I'll put them on my page. I'd love to hear from you and your cats.

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