"HO-HO-HO!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!"

Did you ever wonder why Santa laughs so much? Well, the truth is that most of the year, Santa spends his time around the reindeer barn, leaving the work to his hundreds of capable elves, preferring instead the camaraderie and wit of the stable elves. These are a few riddles, stories and jokes that he's "herd" this year.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can hoe-hoe-hoe.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
Sandy Claws!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate claus.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th
reindeer, 'Olive'?
"Olive?"
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Then there's the story about the Russian czar named Rudolph the Great. He and his wife are at home looking out the window , when he says to her "Look honey, it's raining!" She, being the stubborn sort, replies "No, dear, it's snowing!" So the czar tells her "Let's go outside and find out. Of course, when they step outside they discover it is in fact rain. The czar turns to his wife and says "I knew it was raining all along... after all, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

The Net Before Christmas
by Jim Trudeau & Jay Trudeau - 1991
(With apologies to Clement C. Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The files were nestled all snug in a folder
The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.
And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.
When up from the drive there arose such a clatter
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...
The glow from the screen on the keyboard below
Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer
And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick
I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.
More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name.
"Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel!
On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel!
To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap."
Then each little reindeer made a soft beep.
As data that before the wild electrons fly,
When they meet with a node, mount to the drive,
So up to the screentop the cursors they flew
With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too.
And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine
Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine.
As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown
St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down.
He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer
And the words on the screen said "Don't you reboot 'er."
A bundle of bits he had flung on his back
And he looked like a programmer starting his hack.
His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary,
His cola was jolt, not flavored with cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF
And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift.
The stump of a routine he held tight in his code
And I knew he had made it past the last node.
He spoke not a word but looked right at me
And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA.
He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold,
Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold.
And the whispering sound of my hard drive's head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He went straight to his work without saying a word
And filled all the folders of this happy nerd.
And 'tis the whole truth, as the story is told,
That giving a nod up the window he scrolled,
He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire
And away they all flew down the thin copper wire.
But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight
"Happy Christmas to All, and to all a Good Night."

Can You Identify These Christmas Songs?

1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas
2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres
3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a precipitous darling
4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors
5. The apartment of two psychiatrists
6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist
7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis
8. Decorate the entryways
9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element
10. Oh small Israel urban center
11. Far off in a haybin
12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole
13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the Yuletide season
14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation
15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your Yuletide season
16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully
17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in the dark
hours
18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction
19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe
20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory sense organ?
21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels which vibrate
and bring forth a ringing sound when struck
22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster
23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans
24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation, darling

Answers

1. Oh Holy Night; 2. Jingle Bell Rock; 3. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer; 4. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth; 5. The Nutcracker Suite; 6. Little Drummer Boy; 7. Silent Night; 8. Deck the Halls; 9. Silver Bells; 10.Oh Little Town of Bethlehem; 11. Away in a Manger; 12. We Three Kings; 13. The Twelve Days of Christmas; 14. Go Tell It on the Mountain; 15. We Wish You a Merry Christmas;
16. Hark the Herald Angels Sing; 17. While the Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night; 18. I Saw Three Ships; 19. Joy to the World; 20. Do You Hear What I Hear?;
21. Carol of the Bells; 22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus; 23. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen; 24. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

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