I was so blessed and encouraged today as I read through the on-line journal
of JOYCE DUSANG, who had
recently went through something that I am now facing. So I have decided
to do the same. With the prayer that someday someone will find encouragement
and strength here.
On Nov.16th I was admitted to the hospital for a severe bladder infection.
During a CAT scan Dr.'s found that I have 8 different "masses" scattered
throughout both my lungs. This is frightening as Mom was about my age when
she was diagnosed with lung cancer. But I am resting in the Lord and in
the prayers and love of many friends and family.
People from all over the world are praying for me and that is a huge comfort.
been referred to a "cardio-thoracic surgeon, Dr. Glaser. I see him tomorrow
hoping that we can schedule a biopsy very soon.
was a long day! I had an appointment with my "gastreoenterologist" (sp.?)-
Dr. Scneider. I have been having terrible nausea ever since I got out of
the hospital last April. I have to eat very small meals several times a
day rather than eat very much at one time. Dr. Scneider says that I have
"chronic pancreatitis". PANCREATITIS means that the PANCREAS is inflamed
or infected which causes severe abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting. So
he says that I need a procedure known as an "E.R.C.P." which means that
he will run a scope down my throat while I am under sedation and he'll
go through my digestive tract and into my pancreatic ducts. It will be
necessary to inject some dye into the pancreas so that a better view can
be seen on Exray. This is a great risk of further inflammation to the pancreas
which MAY mean that I will have to be admitted to the hospital for a few
days. I hope not because this procedure is going to be on Thursday, Dec.9th....only
5 days before my LUNG SURGERY on the 14th. And I would hate to have to
go into the hospital on the 9th and stay until after my lung surgery. BUT...
that is all in the Lord's hands and He will take care of all the details.
~I also had to go to the hospital today for my "PRE-ADMISSION TESTING".
I was glad that I could get it all done on the same day. They took some
blood tests, asked lots of questions, I signed what seemed like a thousand
papers (!! I don't think I signed THAT many papers for our mortgage!!)
and then I met with an "anesthesiologist". He explained the surgery with
great detail and also discussed the potential risks. I have to say that
I am a bit more scared after talking with him. He mentioned the possibility
of chest tubes, breathing machines, a couple days in I.C.U., possible pain
You would think with as many operations as I've had (36+) I wouldn't be
so afraid. But all my other illnesses and surgeries were things I've been
dealing with for years. This "lung problem" has come so "out-of-the-blue"
for us....so UNEXPECTED...that I guess it's just taken me by surprise.
My greatest source of comfort through all this so far has been the knowledge
that so many precious folks have been praying for me and my family. I've
received emails, cards and written prayers from literally hundreds of people
from all over the world....plus my wonderful new church family and my other
friends and family.... It is actually a physical feeling of
warmth and peace knowing that even on the bad days when I myself have no
words to pray, there are people interceding on my behalf. I am amazed at
how the love of Jesus can bring so many people together! What a mighty
force prayer is! Never again will I under-estimate the power behind prayer!
Today was a tough day. I tried to keep busy with wrapping gifts, filling
out Holiday cards and usual household chores. But despite my attempt at
busy-ness Satan was quick to attack my vulnerability and doubt and fear
began to creep in. I began to mentally prepare myself to hear "the worst"...
that I have lung cancer. I began to think about how I will deal with that
news, with planning for chemotherapy, loosing my hair, and still manage
to care for my family, etc.
But the Lord is so good and He knew exactly what I needed. And I was so
blessed by a phone conversation with a precious friend who is also facing
a tremendous battle... she has recently been diagnosed with cancer. We
were able to cry together and I think that was very healing for me. I found
strength and encouragement through my time with her... she has always been
such an inspiration to me! Her faith is so strong...she has so much courage
and grace. And if she can face her battle with such strength and courage,
then so can I! I feel the urgency to be strong and to Get Well...so that
I can "be there" for her, just as she has always been there for me. I praise
God for this friend. My life is forever changed by her.
I guess we all can have weak moments when fear and doubt can creep in.
And perhaps the Lord uses those times to help mold and shape us. Praise
God those times pass and a new day comes to start all over again...with
new strength and God's graces.
~"Thank You Jesus... that You are in control... that You have overcome
You for placing people in my life who show me little bit's of YOU...who
love me, lift me up and give me the strength and courage to face another
day. Bless each person who whispers a prayer for me and allow them to feel
the warmth and peace that comes from Your loving care.
You for going before me and preparing the way for all that lies ahead...
home now. I spent 8 days in the hospital. I am still dealing with a lot
of physical pain...much more than I had expected. Dr.'s say that the chest
tubes are adding to the pain but they will come out in a few days.
But more than all the physical aspects of this ordeal...I am still "in
shock" from the news that we received on Dec.14th...the day of my surgery.
NO CANCER WAS FOUND!! Hallelujah! I know that I have received a healing
touch from God. I have no doubt about that! My entire church has been praying,
all my friends and family and all my on-line friends have been praying,
my entire Sunday School class had a 3 day fast for my healing... and I
have been healed!
Both my mother and my paternal grandmother suffered from lung cancer around
my age; I have a history of cancer myself. THe doctors were also fully
expecting to find cancer in my lungs. But I serve the God of Miracles and
I have been healed! "Thank You Jesus".
The strangest thing though is dealing with all these unexpected emotions.
My dearest and best friend Donna recently found out that her cancer has
metastasized and spread. She is in a great deal of pain. And I also think
of Joyce...who has suffered so much. So...why has God chosen to heal ME...and
not them? I know it's crazy...but I have this overwhelming sense of guilt.
I dreaded telling Donna the good news...and I KNOW that she is thrilled
for us. She would not want me to feel this way. And I can't explain why
It's hard recuperating from such a major surgery right at Christmas time.
I can't handle all the usual "hustle and bustle". I am pretty much confined
to my recliner...I cannot even sleep in the bed, the pain is too great
when lying flat. But my loving, devoted husband and the girls are taking
care of me.
God has so richly blessed me...He has spared me the reoccurrence of cancer...atleast
for now. He has blessed me with my wonderful husband and daughters...and
SO many wonderful friends all over the world who are upholding me in their
prayers. What do I have to complain about?...
the first time in my life we stayed home all day on Christmas Day! And
I loved it! usually we go to my dad's for Christmas Dinner. But today I
just spent the day with the "love's of my life".
girls opened their gifts this morning...and then we spent the day watching
old home movies while Alan heated up the (delicious) Christmas Dinner that
friends from church delivered yesterday. We had Turkey, stuffing, mashed
potatoes, green beans, rolls and pumpkin pie.
special blessing to my day was a phone call from my dear E-sister, Larinda!
What a joy to hear her voice! Then I spent the evening reading in my new
book April gave me, "Chicken Soup for the Survivors Soul". I just love
the "warm fuzzy" stories!!
You Lord for a nice, relaxing Christmas Day... Happy Birthday Jesus"
such a wonderful celebration last night! We stayed home for our own Family
New Years Eve celebration! Even 16 year old April stayed here...accompanied
by her boyfriend Ian. The 6 of us played board games together and we put
together lots of yummy appetizer-type foods.
At the stroke of midnight...the first moment of the new millenium...my
wonderful husband held me in his arms and kissed me. What more could I
ask for? :o)
I have looked SO forward to today; to be able to say that 1999 is behind
me. The year started with my spinal chord surgery and ended with my lung
surgery...with momma's death in between. So I am happy to put that year
behind. I know that the Lord taught me a lot and strengthened my faith
more than ever before...thru all the trials of '99. But I am glad it's
over and I am looking to 2000 with great anticipation. (Happy New Year
long winter months are always so hard for me. Especially for all folks
with pain disorders. I have been having a rough time getting my leg &
arm pain under control. Dr. Molnar just upped the dosage on the morphine
and Neurontin a few days ago, but he says it may take a week with the new
dosages to really get things under control. There have been some days over
the past month or so when I woke up in the morning and my arms were in
so much pain and so weak...and that always terrifies me...thinking, "Is
this it? Is this the progression of the Syringomyelia?". KNowing that it
can happen at any time is scary. But I remind myself that it may not happen
for 30 years or even NEVER. I MUST TRUST THE LORD!
One thing that has really weighed heavy on my heart is the death of dear
sweet Joyce Dusang. Someone said in an email that she had "lost her battle
with cancer" but really the way I see it Joyce has WON this "battle" we
call life!! She is no longer suffering and she is with her Savior that
she loves so much! "I miss you Joyce"...
battling a severe bladder infection again. So far I have managed to stay
out of the hospital but I do have to "wear" this catheter for a few weeks.
I have felt just bad enough and had enough pain that all I've felt like
doing is to just lay around. I've done some reading and got caught up on
my letter writing. I am praying that this oral medicine will work to kill
the infection this time.
bladder infection is gone, thank God! I am really praising God right now!
Several months ago I was prayed for and anointed at church for the pain
that I was experiencing in my legs and arms. And now for the first time
in over 2 years I am able to walk from room to room without needing my
wheelchair! My pain is being controlled with my medication! I am feeling
better physically than I have in years. All glory and praise go to God,
for it is only His healing hand that can allow me to feel this good inspite
of my medical prognosis. I don't know what the future holds. But I am learning
to give thanks for each good day as it comes...for every pain free moment.
God gives us enough grace for the present day and He does not want us to
worry about the future. He is already there working on it for us :o) "Thank
You Jesus for loving me" dgw
was Mother's Day...my first without momma. I think it was the hardest day
I've had since her funeral. My heart literally ached for her. She was with
me this time last year...we spent the day together at a BBQ. Yesterday
we spent most of the day at Dad's...my sister Wendi was there. I don't
know HOW I'd get thru all this without her. I don't think she realizes
how much she means to me...I need to show her... Alan and the girls
and I took some flowers to mom's grave...and Emma bought a card that says
"Happy Mother's Day Nana", (The girls' new momma as "Nana") and Emma placed
that on her grave too.
My emotions were so scrambled yesterday...I was torn between missing mom...and
also with the frustration, confusion and uncertainty that I'm dealing with
right now with raising my own 3 teenagers. Things are so hard right now...I
sure wish momma was here to help me...to guide me or atleast give me her
I have a very big decision to make right now concerning Erin and Emma.
I wish I knew what was the RIGHT choice. I know mom would listen and then
give me HER advice...
a lot has gone on since I last wrote anything here. I spent another 6 days
in the hospital for a bladder infection and mild case of pancreatitis.
What's new, right? But God has been so good to us. He has provided for
so many needs... The decision concerning Erin and Emma that I had
mentioned seems to have worked itself out...Hallelujah! Not by accident,
I know...but it was through a lot of prayer.
Today is Alan's and my 19th wedding anniversary. God truly blessed me when
He gave me my husband. We will probably spend most of today apart...ALan
has a softball game tonight and so does Emma....so I'll take Em to her
game and he'll go to his alone. Later this week we'll probably get to go
out for dinner. It doesn't matter though...the blessing is in just living
out our daily lives together. We are a team! And together we run this family.
I am so thankful for what God has blessed me with...
July 14, 2000
I love journaling for a lot of reasons. But one of the biggest is because it's so neat to read back in my journals from one, two or eight years ago and see all that God has brought me through... to see how the things that seemed so overwhelming back then were easily conquered with God's help. It can also be sad... to read things I wrote about someone who has now gone on to be with the Lord. For example, I started this journal because of Joyce, and she's gone. I also shared about my dearest friend Donna... about her strength and grace in the face of a huge battle-"Breast Cancer". Dear Donna went home to Jesus last October. The day before she died she was being her usual strong, brave self. She couldn't talk because she was on a respirator. But the nurses gave her a "dry-erase board" to write on. Her right arm was paralyzed so she would write with her less-dominant left hand. There she is...laying in ICU, not even able to breathe for herself... and the first words she writes to me are, "How R U?"!! She was always so giving, so unselfish. She was my best friend and sometimes I think my heart is going to explode, I miss her so badly. I thank God for the experience of being her friend. We had so many great times together...so many laughs...so many tears. I just pray that I can be half as brave and graceful in the face of death as Donna was. The one thing that has always stood out to my the most about Donna....was her love for living. She was always happy... she never allowed anything to steal her joy. "Lord if You teach me nothing else from Donna...teach me THAT.
I've not been very faithful to write in here for a while. Just never enough hours in the day. Not really anything NEW going on. I have some decisions to make, concerning the girls and their schooling. Erin went to public school last year but it was somewhat disasterous. Just a real eye-opening experience for me and her. She wants to enlist in the Navy ROTC this coming school year and she can only do that if she is attending public school. But there have been some issues that I won't go into here that cause me to wonder if another year in public school is the right thing to do. I am praying about it and I know in His time, the Lord will guide me.
I am reading a new book that I highly recommend. It's called, "When Mothers Pray" by Cheri Fuller. It is an excellent book and the Lord is really using it in my life to teach me things.
Since I last wrote here, I have started teaching part-time at a Christian Preschool. Yeah, ME working outside the home!!! Can you believe it?! :o) I love it...it has filled a void that I really didn't know I had. I don't know how long I will do this. But for now, it's the right thing to do.
I have really been recognizing how QUICKLY my life is passing by. The days literally pass by so fast...it amazes me. It also scares me to death. I am so glad that I have the Lord and His peace to see me thru this rushing world.