Cat Humor
Smudgies thanks to all who sent these to her!
The Truth..7th Day...Cat Diet...LB...How to Pill a Cat....
What is a Cat? The Truth of Cats and Dogs
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion:
They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion:
They're tiny men in little fur coats.
The 7 Days of Creation
- On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
- On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
- On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
- On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
- On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
- On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
- On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
MIRACLE CAT DIET
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
Smudgies brother LB got fed up with the mistreatment of animals & became a mercenary kitty. He was featured in March's KITTYS OF FORTUNE magazine.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
- 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
- 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
- 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
- 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.).
- 5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well..
- 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair..
- 7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry..
- 8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ...Oooops!
- 9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
- 10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor..
- 11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant..
- 12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge..
- 13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.).
- 14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or woman..
- 15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon..
- 16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done..
- 17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
- 18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
There are some funny cards out there. Here are some Christmas favorites
(inside:Deck da hawlz wid tails of mousies.....
(inside: Christmas is upon us!)
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