Speaking from my heart...
What do u do when your world as you know it crashes down at your feet? Well the week after Christmas my life was changed drastically when my husband of 7 years walked out of our lives. It began as a mutal agreement of separation, as neither of us had been happy for some time, but within a couple days I woke up to the reality that it was Not what I wanted at all. But it was too late!
Confused and heartbroken, I begged him to come back. But he was also confused and said he needed time. After a couple heart to heart talks, and several fights, I began to realize that I had to give him his space. My heart was crushed, my security was ripped away, all of my dreams were trampled to the ground. Satan began infiltering my mind with thoughts of worthlessness, fear, and depression. I felt extremely abandoned, as my father had also abandoned his family in 1990. I was an adult at that time, however I still have great feelings of resentment towards him. I tried to work it out myself, yet only made things worse, I began counseling with my Pastors wife who has been a tremendous spiritual help for me. I finally surrendered it all to God for him to work it out, then amazingly things began to happen, positive things in my life and those around me... however in the area of my marriage, it was at a stand still.
The Sunday morning that I totally placed it all in Gods hands, I was visiting my brothers church. I was so broken up inside that I had not been able to go anywhere without worrying about bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. During this morning service someone spoke from the pulpit that someone was needing to be delivered from depression, and I dont remember all that he said, but he was speaking directly to me. The things that I had said to people just days before about how i was feeling... was coming out of this man's mouth. I felt a stirring in my heart and I began crying , for I knew that God had heard my cries and he was longing to mend my broken heart, and deliver me from the depression, hopelessness, and worthlessness that Satan was pushing onto me. I raised my hand and a lady behind me came and prayed with me, and during that prayer I felt a peace like no other sweep over my spirit and I knew in my heart that God did care. After this prayer, the man stepped up to the pulpit again and stated that "God was going to restore your (my) marriage." I accepted that in faith. I felt so much better after this prayer... yet I still had some issues in my mind I was dealing with ... one being the feeling of abandonment. It had been weighing heavily on my mind lately, and I had even commented to my mother on the way over to the church ... that it was so hard for me to believe that God had not abandoned me. But when the guest speaker was preaching he took time out for prayer for those who were doubting if God would always be there for them because perhaps they were abandoned by their earthly fathers, or other men in their life (Wow-he was talking to ME again!) I was taken aback by how God was using these men to speak to my heart, answering all of my questions that I had asked in my heart. I left that morning feeling refreshed and felt the assurance that God really cared and he had it all under control.
My kids & I barely made it home in time to get to our church that evening. Back in the summer we let "things" keep us from going to church on Sunday nights and before you knew it we were not going at all. We had too many other important things to do than spend time with God. So this was my first time back to church on Sunday night in a very long time. But I felt that I needed to spend more time with God. That night there was a guest speaker there, and what do u think he said within the first 5 minutes of his sermon? That he and his wife were on the verge of divorce and God restored their marriage. He continued to talk about that several times throughout his message and at the end when I went up for prayer I only told them that I needed prayer for my marriage and he said God will restore your marriage. He prayed with me and then told me again with firm assurance .. God will restore your marriage. So I went home with great assurance that God KNEW what I was going through and He really did CARE! And he confirmed to me that he cared through 4 people who did not know me at all!
God continued to confirm to me on a daily basis that he was hearing my prayers and he had things under control. It would take me a book to list all that God had done and showed to me. He has shown to me where I had failed in my marriage, and what things I needed to change. He showed me the areas of my life that I needed to let him control and that I needed to get my priorities in line. Its amazing the things God will show you about your own life if you will only ask him to, and be open to what he tells you. I had been blinded to so many things in my marriage, yet the seperation had opened my eyes. I had taken my husband for granted, that he would always be there for me, yet he is not. I encourage you to take time out to ask God to show you if there are any areas of your life that needs to be changed, before it is to late for you. Don't wait until your chances are gone. It still tears my heart up to think that I was so blinded in thinking that my way was the right way... wanting time to myself more than time with my family. For allowing the stresses of life to get me down and keep me on edge, instead of taking life one day at a time, and letting God help me handle the stresses.
So God is working in my life, I have gotten back into church, I am putting my faith in him, and I have began focusing on what is important in my life . And I began changing things that God had shown me needed to be changed. But I am still lonely... my life is basically happy... but I miss my husband tremendously. I daily claim the promise that he is going to restore my marriage. I try so hard to be strong and to stand on God's promises because I know that what things that God promises he will deliver, in his own timing. But I get impatient, wanting to see answers immediately. And God says .. "wait" I keep saying "now!" God keeps saying "wait!" And I cry out to God "how long must I wait??" and he answers "trust solely in me and draw closer to me, and then the time will pass quickly. But I have work that is yet to be done."
I sometimes wonder where do I go from here.... Pastor has been speaking about the Believers Voice of Victory. Will I be able to experience that Victory in my marriage? Will I be able to see my marriage restored, our hearts mended, our minds renewed, and our love stronger than it has ever been? YES I WILL! I must believe that. By looking at things now, I would like to just throw up my hands and say "I QUIT!" But that would mean that Satan won. That his plan to come destroy my family succeeded. He is the father of lies and deceit. God is the victor over Satan, and when we walk by faith, not by how things "FEEL","SEEM" , or "LOOK" then we can have a victorious life. We must have that! As believers we must look Satan in the face and exercise our God given authority to cast him out of our lives. We can not let Satan trample over us like yesterday's news. We must stand strong, have faith, and believe that God will provide and he will honor his promises!
I am reminded of a thing i received via email, one comment being, I asked God to spare me pain, and he said "NO", Suffering draws you apart from worldy cares and brings you closer to me. That is so true, I often think about what if this had not happened to me, what if we continued on in the way we were headed, being miserable, not going to church, doing things for ourself, taking each other for granted...... for one, what kind of life would that be for our kids? Raising them up without God? In this world that we live now, that is very dangerous. What kind of marriage would we be in? And most importantly ..... If we had continued on in our path of ignoring God and his will for our lives... Where would we spend eternity? Life is short. Jesus is coming soon... I must Thank God for caring for me, and for giving me the chance to turn back to him before it was to late.
I continue to pray for my husband who is still confused and being blinded by Satan. I pray that he will surrender his life to God so that then, and only then, will our marriage be able to be mended. He has a free will, and I can not force him to come home, or to surrender to God. He must do it on his own. But until that time I know that God will provide for me, and still care for me, and he will give me happiness until my husband returns home.
Divorce is a tragic thing, and not something that I want ME or MY KIDS to go through. I trust God to give me strength to wait on my husband, and to speedily avenge his word in my behalf.
The battle in my mind continues daily, and I have to daily ask God to renew it. Its not been easy, a rollercoaster of emotions..... but if I go immediately to God while i am down in the valleys he will walk through them with me, giving me peace in my heart.
This has been a story from my heart, perhaps you have received some encouragement from my words. If you feel the burden to pray for my family, I would greatly appreciate it. And always remember.... When things turn impossible, thats when God starts working. Because if it was possible, then the credit could be given to man. But miracles are God's specialty if we will only allow him to work in our lives! God Bless You!
