Always living on the outside looking in

You think when you are little everyone is the same

Only to find out you are treated different

Not because of who you are but rather what you are

You have a family who loves you yet you can't be with them

You live in a world of never knowing

Not knowing where you will live

Not knowing who will take care of you

Not knowing where you will go to school

Never knowing if you will ever be secure again

Not knowing where home is or where you belong

Not having friends as you are never in one place long enough to make them

Not knowing what it feels like to attend the same school more than 1 year

Once you get used to all the moving and different schools

Then you can at least become comfortable knowing you are alone

Knowing you are the only one who is going to look out for you

You become known as a loner

You depend on nobody but yourself

Yet this causes more problems

You build brick walls and don't let anyone in

Once the walls are in place it takes so much to take them down

If they start to come down and something happens

You put them back up higher than they were before

Each time you get hurt the walls get higher and higher

You can lose so much time keeping those walls up and strong

Yet you have no trust, no bond and it makes it hard to build a relationship

If you are lucky enough to find someone who is willing to fight for you

Then you still can not totally depend on them, which hurts them

You see the hurt in their eyes, which in return hurts you more

The hurt only causes more pain and starts the walls going back up

Or you run and keep on running, from one relationship to another

Foster care or any care that is not for good is not good for any child

Some parents may not be the best but they are still their child's parents

No one else can ever take his or her places

Not the state, not the neighbor, not anyone

Portable children will always be portable once they have no home

A home is not just a place to lay your head

A home is where you can stay

Where you can be comfortable

Where you know you will always be safe and secure.

Written by Shelli Leverington

A little about why I made this site and used the graphics that I have. I was ripped away from

my mom at the age of 7 with no explanation, I was only told "You won't be going home tonight",

I ran for all I was worth, only to be stopped by a CP$ worker Who had accused my mom of

abuse on several occasions, with no proof. I was lied to right from the Beginning, told I would see my

mom and my brother tomorrow, but tomorrow didn't come for \par Over a month, I was told my mom

didn't want me, that she didn't love me along with many other things. I was forced to testify in open

court against the man who had been sexually abusing my sister and I for over 2 yr. Over the next

3 years I was placed in several Foster homes, as well as with my legal father whom I had never met. Only

to be placed back into Foster care again. Shortly after that we were finally returned to our mom. By this

time I was so angry, I hated everyone, and everything . I started doing drugs, and skipping school. I thought

I could do everything on my own since that is how I had made it threw the last 3-yr., that way. By the

time I was 13 yr. old, my mother had married the man who had abused me years before. My sister and the

abuser had told her that he never abused us, my sister stated "I didn\rquote t want him in our house so

the Doctors told us what to say" My mom, didn't believe me as I had lied to her so much about

the skipping school and doing drug. She didn't understand The reason I did drugs was to escape

for all the hurt. With in a year or so, my mom had a heart attack. She could not take care of herself, let

alone 3 children. By this time I had gotten into trouble with The police, and after being released to my

mom's custody, only to have my sister beat the heck out of me, I contacted the officer that had released

me, and was placed in the juvenile home. I did not realize it at the time, but my mother had already

been making arrangements to place my sister and I back in foster care, and terminate her parental rights.

This placed us up for adoption, but at 13 1/2 years old, not many people want to adopt a troubled

teenager. I was placed into a separate foster home from my sister, this was the first time I had

been separated from her. I realized then I was on my own. Over the next 3 years I was placed

in 4 different foster homes, and ran away from 2 of those, the 2nd foster home I ran away from was

after I was beaten across the back with a broomstick for wetting the bed, I was 16 years old. I stayed

on the run for almost 2 weeks, when My sister found me and I was placed in another foster home,

this time I was classified as "Emotional disturbed". Over the next 1 4 months I attended school,

even got on the A honor roll only be told I was not going to graduate with my class. The reason

begin, my class credits couldn\rquote t be transferred from the other 2 high schools I had attended.

It was like another sludge hammer had hit me down again. But I picked myself up and continued

working, and then I was told I would not be allowed to leave foster care when I turn 18 yr. old,

but that I would be kept in care until I was 21 yr. old. I felt like everything I had done to earn my

freedom, was for nothing. So I started doing research and found out that under Michigan state law,

a female at the age of 17 years old was considered an adult and could leave home without anyone's

permission, and this is exactly what I did. I left the foster home the very next weekend. Of course

CP$ and the foster home turned me in as a runaway, so the police kept harassing my boyfriend. He

did not know where I was, so all he could do was tell me they were looking for me, when I would

call him at work. I finally called the police officer who was trying to find me, He asked me a bunch

of questions, like my mothers maiden name, where we lived when I was 10, questions to verify that

I was not being held against my will are what he said. Then he closed the case CP$ was not happy,

but nothing more they could do. Finally I was free from the system, who had taught me how to hate,

how to depend on no one but myself, and how to trust Nobody. I use to feel I was the only person

who felt alone, and that I had no one to depend on, I had a very hard time keeping any relationship

together. My birth father that I had only meet one time that I could remember had tried to make

contact and form a relationship, I pushed him away at first, by not taking phone calls. My relationships

with men were not much better. I was in 2 relationships at one time, on more then one occasion. I was

always afraid of being alone, which was something to this day that scared the heck right out of me.

My 1st marriage lasted less then 3 years, and I swore I would never marry again, only to get married

the second time, which I am still legally married, but we have not had a marital relationship in over 5 years.

I still have a hard time trusting people, some of my friends say that I am to protective over

my children, and let people use me, I guess that comes from not wanting to be alone. I used the flames for

this page to signify the emotional roller coaster that most foster and former foster children feel. I still

to this day do not feel like I belong anywhere. I most always feel out of place. And still have few true friends.