Cast:
Mark- Darrill
Dave- his girlfriend Scott- Momma
Mark: Oh well here we are, my bedroom.
Dave: Well, I still can't believe you used that old line on me.
Mark: What line is that?
Dave: You know, about coming up to your room and seeing your etchings, I mean why didn't you just say I wanna make love to you. I want to make love to you.
Mark: So you don't want to look at them?
Dave: What? I just thought you and I were going to... So who's this? [Pointing at a painting of Scott in drag]
Mark: Oh, well that is a portrait in progress of my mother.
Dave: Is she still alive?
Mark: Oh, very much so, though I must admit when I left Belgium, it nearly killed her.
Dave: Well you know, you're better off because a lot of the men I've dated have been such momma's boys.
Mark: Oh! Well then you won't be disappointed in me. I'm the original momma's boy! A real tit clutcher *Waa!*
Dave: Really?
Mark: Yes, as a matter of fact most of the women I have been intimate with look a little bit like my mother.
Dave: Weeee.
Mark: Ah, but mamma was such a beautiful creature. I remember when we were younger we used to sit around the kercha- the kitchen and reminisce about....
[Fade to Mark as a young Darrill with short blond hair sitting at a table and Scott in a kitchen]
Scott and Mark: [singing] There's a kangaroo on my balcony!
Scott: Ha, ha, ha!
Mark: Hee, hee, hee!
Scott: There's a kangaroo on my...
Scott and Mark: ...balcony, I wish he'd go away.
[Scott laughs]
Mark: Momma!
Scott: Yes Darrill?
Mark: Momma!
Scott: Yes Darrill?
Mark: Momma!
Scott: Yes Darrill?
Mark: Momma!
Scott: Yes?
Mark: Can I have more mayonnaise for my potatoes?
Scott: Yes you may, my little genius.
Mark: Put it everywhere momma....
Scott: I am putting it...
Mark: .....Put it everywhere.
Scott: ...everywhere.
Mark: Put it everywhere.
Scott: More mayonnaise...
Mark: Put it everywhere.
Scott: ....and everywhere. [Dots Mark's nose with the mayo bottle.]
Mark: Not on my nose!... Momma?
Scott: Yes my pet?
Mark: Are you going to have another baby soon?
Scott: Perhaps.
Mark: Now if this baby's a girl, will you name it Laurali? And if it is a boy will you name it Thomas? (Pronounce Thomas like Toe-mas)
Scott: Darrill, if this baby is a girl, I shall name it Laurali and if it is a boy I shall name it Thomas, or Jean. (Pronounce French-like)
Mark: Or Jean? I hear that, that Jean is a better name than Frank but not such a good name as Thomas.
Scott: Ooo, and where did you hear that my pet?
Mark: Oh we talk about it in the school yard during our recess.
Scott: Ahhh...
Mark: Joseph (Pronounce Yos'-ef, barely pronouncing -ef) and I like to talk about the value of names, or the size of buildings in the distance. We have such fun.
[They laugh.]
Scott: Joseph, Joseph, he is your best friend now huh?
Mark: Oh, he is my only friend momma.
Scott: Joseph, is not, not such a good name like Darrill.
Mark: Oh, are there many better names that Darrill?
Scott: Yes, there's 17 better names.
Mark: 17 better names that Darrill?!
Scott: No, only five.
[They laugh]
Mark: Oh you fool me momma.
Scott: I fool you.... [inaudible.]
[Scott does a little dance]
Mark: Momma, momma, momma.
Scott: Yes, yes, yes.
Mark: May I touch your belly?
Scott: Touch my belly,my pet.
Mark: Momma, I have a question to ask you.
Scott: Oh, I have been waiting to hear this.
Mark: Momma, where do... pencils come from?
Scott: Pencils are made locally, in a factory.
Mark: Now, is it a small factory or is it a large factory?
Scott: Don't you think it would have to be a large factory?
Mark: Oh, no, not at all.
Scott: No? No?
Mark: In fact I could quite easily see it being a small factory, there just wouldn't be so many pencils.
[They laugh.]
[Sound of car pulling up outside. The horn honks]
Scott: Oh!
Mark: Poppa's home!
Scott: Poppa's home!
Mark: Poppa's home!
Scott: Poppa's home!
Mark: Poppa's home!
Scott: Hello poppa!
Mark: Hello poppa!
Scott: Hello poppa!
Mark: Hello poppa!
Scott: Hello poppa!
Mark: Hello poppa!
Scott: Hello-oh.
Mark: Oh, oh he's turning around.
Scott: Oh, he's turning around.
Mark: Bye poppa! [Waves.]
Scott: Bye poppa! [Waves.] Who needs him?
Scott and Mark: Kangaroo on my balcony...
Mark: Hee, hee, hee.....
[Fade back to bedroom]
Mark: So that was momma.... But what am I doing talking about momma? I have a beautiful woman sitting on my own bed!
Dave: Why thank you.
Mark: And, what I was wondering is if this beautiful woman would mind if I kissed her.
Dave: [ponders for less than a second] Nooope.
Mark: Momma! I'm ready for bed now!
[Scott enters]
Scott: Right here my little pet. Oh, are we playing doctor tonight?
[Dave looks perplexed.]
Mark: Yes, I think so momma.
Scott: Well then come with me Darrill and you can choose one of my night gowns for your lady friend to wear.
Mark: Oh goody.
Scott and Mark: There's a kangaroo on my balcony, and she's not wearing any clothes.
Scott: Ha, ha, ha, ha....