The Adventures of Billy

By: Mike Jones

Billy put down his porno long enough to notice something was wrong. He was all out of beer. How was he to continue his fruitful life of whacking off and getting drunk without any beer? He pondered on his situation, you see Billy was only 19 and the mean man at the liquor store ripped up his fake ID. So he pondered on his problem. Down the halls of his apartment complex where he lived by himself he went. Door by door he knocked, yet they all said no. He couldn't understand, he had asked so nicely, he even offered to fuck the girl next door in the ass if she went for him. But to no avail. So he was down to one man, Crazy Old Eddie down the stairs. Now no one came near Eddie, you see Eddie had a bad habit of shitting on people when they walked in his house. But Billy didn't care, he wanted to get drunk. So he knocked on Eddie's door. "What do you want you little shit?" Eddie grimaced. "I want some beer you old bastard, or I'll beat your ass with your own cane!". Billy politely replied. "Well there sonny..." Eddie paused to drop a load on Billy's shoes. "Reckon you'z ain't old enough to be drinkin the booze! Eh Heh Heh Heh!". Eddie cackled. "Alright you old fucker, I'm taking your ass to the liquor store." Billy said as he ripped Eddie out of his walker. Now Billy's car was repossessed by the owners of the local adult movie store for unpaid debts, so Billy had to carry Eddie to the liquor store. This all went without a flaw, except for an occasional cry and gasp for air from Eddie. Into the Liquor store they went. "I'm just carrying my old grandpa in so he can get himself some more booze to drown his horrible pain of being a worthless piece of shit old lush". Billy explained to the liquor store clerk. "Fuck You" The clerk smiled. Billy set Eddie down with his walker in front of the beer cooler. He grabbed 4 18'ers of Natural Light and handed them to Eddie. "Carry this you old fucker" he said as he kicked the walker out of the way. As Eddie fell to the ground Billy laughed to himself. He realized Eddie could not carry the beer but it was really funny. So in a spell of niceness Billy fetched a shopping cart, put Eddie in front of it, and pushed him at the checkstand while Eddie yelled "What about money?". Billy ignored this stupid question. What were social security checks for after all? As Eddie slowly inched his way out side Billy couldn't help but notice that Eddie no longer had any watches, jewelery, or pants. This astonished him for a brief moment. But by the time that moment was over, Billy was running towards his apartment with 5 18ers of beer. As for Eddie, that's what ambulances are for God damnit! Billy got home and settled down into his chair. After about his 9th beer he started feeling a little horny. This was the special kind of horny that couldn't be satisfied with hot threesome lesbian action videos and a blowup woman. So he travelled across the street to the girl's college. Once he remembered some guy told him when he was drunk or something that the best way to impress girls, is to just be yourself. So he unzipped his pants and let his throbbing cock hang out for the world to see as he popped open another beer. He knocked on the first door, "Excuse me, can I fuck you?". He inquired. "Can't you see I have a boy friend, who I am fucking right now?". She asked. "I can wait bitch" He politely informed her. "AH! the nerve!" she slammed the door. Billy listened to the door for a minute, he couldn't believe his ears "You know, something about that guy busting in on us.... kind of made me hot" the guy seemed to say. Billy knew that was his cue. He ran home as fast as he could and grabbed his sword and zorro mask. He hurried as fast as he could, he didn't know how long they could fuck. But he made it just in time. Bursting through the door he announced "DOES THIS MAKE YOU HOT BITCH!?" as he proceded to tear the man of the girl and fuck him in the ass. Billy was a man of style, wearing nothing but a zorro cape, he kept one hand on the guy, and one hand holding a sword up in the air while he chanted "This is for Mexico!" Now rather then take pleasure in this act and offer to let him fuck his girlfriend, like any rational human being would expect to happen, Jose seemed to take offense at Billy's gestures, and proceded to soundly beat the shit out of him. Battered and bruised, Billy knew what he had to do. He went straight to the Doctor's office. Without wasting any time on knocking or signing in or that bullshit, He grabbed the nurses tits and kicked in the door slamming it in her face. The doctor was giving a checkup to an old lady and was listening to her cough, when Billy busted in "Hey what's up you honky jew piece of shit! I got a dog bone shoved up my ass!". Billy laughed as he proceded to show the doctor his ass with the dog bone stuck in it. The Doctor was not amused, he pulled the bone easily out of his ass and asked Billy. "Is it that, or is it that you got the shit beat out of you?". He asked. "Yeah, I got raped by some drunk guys and they beat, you fucking idiot fix me and give me pain pills!". The horrified old woman pulled out of her purse a nearly full bottle of Lortab and handed them to Billy. "Thanks bitch". Billy said gleefully. "Screw you asshole!" Billy said as he flipped the doctor the bird on the way out of the office. As Billy strutted proudly home to his apartment he thought, "Wow, what a great day I had, I got booze, I got laid, and I got pain pills!" Yes, I suppose we would all be better off, if we were as friendly as Billy.