I AM A HIGH CLASS MEMBER OF SOCIETY
by Mike Jones

You know what I don't fucking understand? All you upper class snooty polite pieces of shit who
seem to think I'm not classy enough for you. Well, I'm writing this article to change your minds
you fuckheads, I am a God Damn polite, fucking well mannered, can-refrain from grabbing your
sister's ass for up to 5 minutes if I really want to kind of guy. You may be asking, "Hey Mike,
you fucking shithead, why are you going out of your way to tell these jack-off's what a classy
elite cream of the crop kind of guy you are, isn't it obvious enough already?". Well, I'll
answer that, if you are a female, and are reading this right now, odds are 9 out of 10, I want
to fuck you, but for some reason girls can't seem to understand what an upscale young man I am.
I'm also writing this article for the gentlemen, who may need some refining of their etiquette
to become as polite and well mannered as me. Now, when at a dinner party, only a truly rude
person would pull their pants down, and take a big shit on a plate full of pork chops in front
of an entire dinner party. A refined man like me, would take the plate into the bathroom, and
smash the shit real nicely between the big stack of pork chops. I'll bet that made you fuckers
real hungry. But seriously folks, nothing is more important in this world then friends, and I've
found that nothing makes your friends want to hang out with you and proudly be seen in public
with you more then getting smash down shitfaced and dropping your pants anytime they invite you
to a new person's house, it also really brightens their day when you go to their place of work
and do the same thing. It's important to impress their parents too, so be polite, and always offer
to smoke out your friend's parents the first time you meet them. No, if your a high class member
of society like I am, your room is probably covered in miscellaneous garbage, stereo equipment,
beer cans and porno, as it should be. But for the Love of God, hide the really embarassing porno
mags when that special lady comes over, most girls are impressed by double anal lesbian fuck
action and an empty half gallon of cheap vodka, but no girl is going to feel like a classy lady
if she's giving you head and looks down and sees a Dog-on-Dog bestial porn, come on you sick fuck,
hide the doggie porn. Be a music ambassador, not everyone on earth wants to listen to your Fred
Durst bullshit. They do however want to listen to Man O War. Whenever people come over to your
place, put on Manowar at full blast and ignore all pleas for you to stop. Remember, in classy-land
No means Yes. If you ever have to let one go in a room full of people, remember, people appreciate
honesty, always be quick to raise your hand and say "I did that! I'm special!" and start clapping.
Honesty is a good policy sometimes, remember, the truly classy and refined don't always tell you
what you want to hear, because that never did anyone any good. Offer up your insights and advice
to people on the street and you will be a well-respected member of society. All it takes is
a simple "You're really fucking fat, Why don't you go sit on the can for a few days and see if
you can solve that" or a friendly "You are really old, Why don't you die already?" and see
how well appreciated and respected you are on the street. Anyway, that's all the time we have
for today, just remember the 4 M's that will help you on your way to being as well respected
and distinguished as I am. 1. Masturbation. 2. Marijuana 3. Mooning People 4. Making fun of Old
People.