Helium Bomb Lead Singer Announces Candidacy For President

In an emotional speech fueled by 3 bottles of Boone's Kiwi Strawberry wine spritzers and two bowls of kind weed. Helium Bomb Lead Singer Mike Jones announced he will seek the Presidency of the USA. He has named his running mate as Jennifer Love Hewitt. "Because I really really want to fuck her brains out" explained drunk mike. The announcement was made from on top of a counter at dick and jon's apartment last wednesday night at approximately 1:30 AM. In addition to naming that hot bitch from party of five as his running mate, Mike announced that as president he would not only repeal drug prohibition, but he would enforce drug/booze consumption, with the death penalty as punishment for defiance. He also announced he would "kill the whole lot of you bastards". When asked his views on his opponents he called Texas Governor George W. Bush a "Pussy bastard who quit doing coke cause he can't hold his crack like a man". He called Vice President Al Gore a "Shit eating Veggie boy who spent all his time whacking off on his little internet while Big daddy Bill got all the BJ's". As president Mike promised they would be exiled to the "planet of the no good cocksuckers" and burned at the stake. President Mike would repeal the tax on alcohol, and restore honor to the oval office, by televising and openly admitting to each and everyone of his blow jobs. And as a sign of good will, he's invited all the ladies of America to come give him a test drive. Men will be allowed as well, provided Mike is knocked out on a combo of GHB boozeand cough medicine, which means, come by on tuesdays! Helium Bomb members were quick to express support for their band members presidency. "I think it's great what he's doing for this
country..... I mean as long as he doesn't win or anything" Bass player Gentry commented. "He's really being a jackass tonight, and me and dick had to make him
drive home so he'd stop pissing us off" helium bomb sound man Jon Brown added. " I have a dream, of a better America, of a drunker america, An America that closely resembles the America I saw in such fine movies as Debbie does Lady Liberty, and that one show where the kid fucks the pie, that show was fucking hilarious, I'll bet that chick from band camp was a demon bitch in the sack, I tell you what. Anyways, what was I talking about, Oh yeah, Keep your God damn hands off my wife you cock sucker". With these words from Candidate Mike The crowd shot to their feet in applause. He was then carried off the stage and placed in the back seat of his car where he later puked.

Stay tuned to the helium bomb web page for more on The Jones/Hewitt
Campaign 2000.