New Era Wrestling North American Champion

Open on Jackson Kelly standing behind a podium wearing dark sunglasses and a black leather jacket attached to a pin that reads "White Men Killed Jesus". Jackson's chin is squared away with unusually seriousness. The NEW North American Title is propped up on the podium so that it can be seen clearly. Seated in front of Jackosn, a mob of rabid wrestling fans chomp at the bit waiting for the chance to ask the newly crowned North American Champion some questions. Two familiar faces can be seen sneaking in the back and taking seats inconspicuously amongst the crowd as Jackson begins.

3lla: "For YEARS in the wrestling industry whenever a BLACK superstar, face or heel, has tried to climb their way to the top they have been STRICKEN BACK by WHITE bookers and promoters. Now... MY win at Lord of the Rings to become the first ever BLACK man to ever win a title in New Era Wrestling, might be seen as a sign to some that some monumental change has come about forever affecting the industry, but I am here to tell you otherwise. How can it be said that any change has taken place when only the WEEK AFTER A BLACK MAN wins the belt he is forced to turn around and defend it against ANOTHER WHITE BOY dipped so deep into a stagnat genepool that he is probably his own uncle, grandpa, and sister all at the same time? What's more apparent now is Old Man Reeves is trying so hard to keep a Brother down that he doesn't even get to prepare for he first title defense. Its a conspiracy, set up by the man just to bring the Black Champion down, but it's not gonna work. I'ma tell you, 'The Chickens is comin home to roost, y'all, the Black Man is no longer going to play the minstrel' in the professional wrestling industry! We gonna climb that mountain, and this time... nobody's gonna push us down!"

Just then one of the men seen sneaking in earlier stands up an interupts Jackson's rant. The man has a thin goatee and looks an aweful lot like.. hey, is that Ben Affleck?

Holden: "Aww, come on, that's a banga horse $#!+, The Rock is a Black guy and he's a six time WWE Champion!"

3lla: "Man, F**K THE ROCK! Uncle Tom N***a, mother f**ker's so pale look like he plunged into a vat a' White Out! CHECK THIS.. The Rock, ain't even Black, he's mostly HAWAIIAN and he's been trying to ride the whole 'Black Hip Hop' image to fame. The Rock's entire career is built breaking the backs of the REAL BLACK wrestlers. See, after Rocky's first stint as Intercontinental Champ, the WWF knew they couldn't get a BLACK man over against the shabby WHITE boys they'd had at the top forever. He looked too good against them and none of the WHTIE fans would believe it. So they teamed him up with the BLACKEST brother in the company, Farrooq, Nubian God."

Voice: "What's a Nubian?"

Suddenly the other man seen sneaking into the room stands up and blurts out the question. He wears a backwards baseball cap and has a full beard, looks a bit like... Jason Lee? Jackson looks irrate.

3lla: "SHUT THE F**K UP, CRACKER! See, Farrooq was a real brother, down with the cause and all that, heading up a group of BLACK militants known as the Nation of Domination. So they got Farrooq, D'lo Brown, and Kama Mustafa, all strong black role models, only they was presented by WHITE promoters so they were the bad guys. Next they brought in the STRONGEST BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD, Mark Henry and they seemed to be on the right track. But, oh, no, they couldn't leave well enough alone and had to bring in undercover-WHITEY The Rock, and f**k things up. Rocky's ego, inflated by the WHITE voices in his ears, tore the NoD apart. Then they set Rocky up as the Black wrestling hero we've been waiting for all this time. They trying to tell us that we should all do like The Rock, and try to be as WHITE as possible. Well, forget that. Time to build a new BLACK dynasty in the wrestling industry. So, at this time I'd like to extend an offer to the only other BLACK wrestler in the NEW, 'The Man' James Oswald."

Bankie: "Um.. Isn't he white?"

3lla: "Hell naw! Oswald may have been BORN WHITE but he's proven by his actions that he not the DEVIL like the rest of y'all WHITE f**Ks. James is so cool, I've decided to make him an HONORARY BLACK MAN and offer to help him out if he wants a real tag team partner to get the belts from the xPa."

Bankie: "Doesn't he have to go through some sort of tribal initiation like in 'The Air Up There'?"

Finally, Bankie's remarks are too much for Jackson to take and he hops the railing, flinging himself towards him.

3lla: "That's it, I'ma rip me some white people limb from limb!!"

Jackson nails Bankie with a stiff right hand and then stands over his limp body looking around at the crowd for his next victim. The room clears in record time, paniced caucasians cramming the exits and trampling over each other to escape. After the stampede, only Jackson Kelly, Holden, Bankie and the Orleans St. Posse, who are seated in the back row snickering to themselves, are left. Jackson towers over the downed body of Bankie..

3lla: "'The Air Up There'.. b***h, you almost made me laugh."

Jason quickly hops to his feet, still holding his face from the punch.

Bankie: "Damm, did you really have to hit me though? I should press charges."

3lla: "Go ahead, it'll keep those people convinced I'm a mean son of a b***h, instead of, you know.."

Bankie: "One of the nicer guys you'll ever meet?"

3lla: "Now see, when you say it it sounds like such a bad thing."

Holden: "I can't believe the cops aren't in here busting you open."

3lla: "No, I'm keeping my hands in plain site, no chance to say I was grabbing their testicles."

Holden: "You should watch it 'making' people 'honorary Black Men', if anyone finds out its not sanctioned by the NAACP there could be quite an uproar. So lemme take a look at this belt."

Jackson hands Holden the NEW NA Title, its heavier then Ben had expected and he looks it it, mildly impressed.

Holden: "Well, it won't hold your pants up but its pretty nice none the less."

Bankie: "The way I see it there's only one place that will provide the proper atmosphere to celebrate an accomplishment like this.."

3lla: "Where's that, the Mall?"

Bankie: "F**k no, the French Quarter."

"And with that, we cue the music.."

Fade Out.
Fade In.

Home footage of Steve in his bedroom wearing nothing but bikini briefs and singing "Lets Get It On" to his blow up doll with candles spread everywhere around the room and a cut out of Amy Jo Johnson's face glued to the doll's head. Truely scary stuff here.

Fade Out.
Fade In.

Come back on Jackson and The Orleans St. Posse walking along the Rue Conti, just coming into the Quarter. Spliff has taken the lead, walking backwards while talking to the others. Jackson Steve and Toby walk along side eachother, taking up the entire sidewalk, while The Guy Whose Name No One Knows is left walking in the street along side them, dropping back and getting on the sidewalk occasionally, when a car comes.

Spliff: "I'm tellin' you, Jackson, don't go getting all cocky just because you won the North American Championship.."

3lla: "Not getting 'cocky', just looking forward to defending for the first time this coming FireFights! This is where things pick up as far as competition. See, now that I'm a champ others will be challenging for my spot. Just look at the match that OMR booked for the next Pay-Per-View.. Jackson Kelly versus James Oswald for the first time one on one in a title unification match. It doesn't get any bigger. Argueablly the two brightest new comers to ever enter the NEW at the same time; tied at one and one in multicompetitor matches and its time to see who will be the future. I don't see how it could be anything but the match of the year! Just look at everything the two of us have done so far in NEW.."

Spliff: "Just don't think too much on the people youve beaten, you face forward or you face the risk of shock and damage."

Just then, Spliff turns around and runs head-long into the steel monstrosity looming ahead. *THONK* He's out cold. Jackson kneels down to inspect his unconcious friend.

3lla: "What the F**K is that?"

Steve: "Maybe their renovating.."

3lla: "No, there's a sole who might know what's going on around here."

Jackson drops Spliff and dashes off screen. Just then an old crack headed woman comes up and bends down, pulling his stash out of his pocket and bolting. Two figures jump into her path and into action.

Voice: "Snooge-Ta-Tha-Mother-F**kin'-Nooge."

Fade Out.
Fade In.

3lla: "So they are renovating, just as I suppected.."

Jackson has a look of triumph on his face; Steve however, has a different look.

Steve: "But I said.."

3lla: "Hey, don't forget who's the sidekick here; I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome.. Don't forget that."

Steve doesn't say another word but he face tells Jackson where to put it.

3lla: "Now, let's get Spliff to a bar and pour shots down him 'til he wakes up."

Jackson turns back to where he left Spliff in the other scene, but..

3lla: "Hey, where's Spliff?"

Steve: "Maybe an ambulance came and got him."

3lla: "You simple bastard, we've been right across the street the whole time. Now everybody look around, there can't be many places an unconsious stoner can hide."

Everybody scatters and froms a search line all the way across the street. Jackson lifts small children and skinny goth kids up by their back packs, looking underneath for Spliff. When they reach the end of the street they look at eachother, unsure what to do next. Jackson, always the fearless leader comes up with an idea.

3lla: "Maybe he went back the other way."

So they all re-form their line and do an even more intensive search, checking in passing cabs and baby carrages, much to the chagrin of mothers and cab drivers alike. When they near Jackson Square, they smell a distinct smoke smell coming from the alley, when I say "distinct" I mean it's not like smoke, it's like smoke, y'know?

Toby: "That smell can mean only one thing.."

3lla: "That Steve's Mom is right down this alley?"

Steve: "Hey, watch it."

Toby: "That's right and Spliff's probably with her."

Steve: "Enough Beefcakes, I'll kick you're fat @$$!"

3lla: "Come on, let's investigate."

As they wander into the alley, the smell getting stronger and stronger with each step, they find that it is Steve's Mom smoking weed in the alley ..

Steve: "Mom!!"

Steve's Mom high tails it, leaving only her smoking partners standing in the alley as Jackson and the others approach. Spliff and two white guys; one tall and skinny wearing a t-shirt that reads "BOOOOONNNG!" in bright green letters, and the other a fat guy with a beard wearing a big trench coat and a backwards baseball cap. Spliff is holding an ice pack to his swollen forehead.

Spliff: "Hey, there you guys are, I've been looking all over for you."

3lla: "I can tell, you look worn out from all the searching, maybe you should sit down."

Spliff takes Jackson's advice and sits down on a step behind him.

3lla: "So who are you guys?"

Jay: "Who us? I'm Jay and this fat bunch of processed meat is the meat in my Spamwich, Silent Bob."

Silent Bob's jaw slackens and he shakes his head at Jay.

Jay: "So you must be Spliff's wrestler buddy, well you don't look so tough, I bet me and lunch box here could take you. Shoulda seen what we did to that old lady, I mean I know she couldn't say her own name or anything but we kicked her @$$."

Silent Bob nods in agreement.

3lla: "Great, a couple of up standing citizens.. So what brings you guys to New Orleans?"

Jay: "We was here to check out all these hot @$$ topless b***hes all over the place, but instead we rescued Spliff from a crack head and he offered to smoke us up in return."

3lla: "But Mardi Gras isn't until Feburary."

Silent Bob rolls his eyes and nods (apparently he's figured this out but he still has about ninety or so plastic bead necklaces on).

Jay: "Don't gimme that crap, Mardi Gras is just a few days out of the week, there's way too many hot b***hes on the internet in the streets here to just come from a couple days. You guys must put out that Mardi Gras story sos you can keep all the honeys to yourselves the rest of the year."

3lla: "There might be a few titties here and there, but I promise you most of the crazy stuff happens in Feburary."

Jay: "Don't try and fool me.. Hey, what's that smell?"

Silent Bob plugs his nose and looks at Jay like he recognized the smell.

Jay: "No, not that smell, the one that smells even more like rotten eggs floating in fecal matter."

Jackson turns just in time to see $#!+ seeping out of the sewers and forming into some sort of humanoid form.. Its the Golgothem $#!+ deamon! No its not, even I wouldn't rip off that crappy scene.