Porphyria's Lover

Author : Iris C aka Ching-ee ( angelscythe02@yahoo.com )

Web Site : http://angelscythe02.blogspot.com

Pairing : HydexTetsu (main), SakuraxHyde mentioned.

Rated : R - NC 17

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Author's notes:

Hmm, melodrama warning, angst warning. Honestly? I don't know how this happened. This fic sort of took on a sordid path on its own without seeking permission from my 'sanitarium,' not that I have such a thing. ^^; It should also be said that I haven't written a fic in a year, and that this is the first somewhat long Laruku fic I've attempted. Timelines are probably off, narration is confusing and general incongruency pervades. If all this hasn't stopped you from reading, well, hey…cool. ^_^ Oh, and title really belongs to Robetrt Browning, semi-inspiration from it.

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For days, he just sat there staring into interminable space. If he moved at all, it was a robotic process unconscious to the mind, an achievement to complete zen-dom, except he wasn't going for that. When he was little he had always wanted to be able to do this - to fixate himself to the creases on a wall, to block out his mother's nagging and drown himself in poetic oblivion, but silly intentions like that just didn't happen…until now.

There were lines on the wall, the scars of age and stains of sorrow; collective lines sketching stories in his mind. He wasn't trying to make stories. They simply filtered through his mind like mad intruders with horrific tales. But even so, even with the clutching claws of his imagination, he had nothing, nothing except a pathetic hollowness wrenching his very soul. How could nothing hurt so much? He thought he would be used to nothing it by now. He was used to the stoic face, the wry smile, the half-hearted chain-smoking and the forlorn, desperate yells of his name during their lovemaking. Yes, he still called it lovemaking, an unrequited love, but lovemaking nonetheless. It scared him when he called out his name like that "Hyde! Hyde! My Hyde!" while crushing into his body. Convulsively, compulsively, a madman, grasping for him, always…but he never, ever looked at him anymore. He always looked up, as if the body under him wasn't there, as if he sought for some higher being. "Sakura, Sakura…" he cried so many times while succumbing to passion, but still, there was nothing, Sakura left him long ago.

He didn't do it out of revenge. He did it out of love, to see that face crumble in pain and betrayal as he walked away, hands cuffed. He looked at him then, eye to eye, soul to soul, then as if eternity stole away, he was gone. Sakura was gone.

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The door opened for the third time, but whether that's third time in a day or a week, Hyde wasn't too sure. He had no idea how his bandmate knew to find him here, in this stranded apartment that held the memories of his first heartbreak. In fact, he was sure he had mentioned of selling it. But a couple days after refuge, a familiar figure stood erect in front of him, draped a warm wet towel onto his hands and placed down some food before leaving.

The second time was a similar process. The other man hadn't actually bothered to talk him, and Hyde was half-thankful for that. He didn't need kind words at the moment.

"Tetsu," he broke the silence unconsciously, but there was no response on the other end except a gentle pivot. "Do you think I'm a girl, Tetsu?"

"Wha…what?"

"Maybe I should have been born a girl!" Hyde fingered his white shirt, like so many of his other silky, flowy shirts it hung on his body with a ghostly, languid elegance. A woman's beauty "Fuck!" he cried out, nails suddenly digging against the frail material, wanting to tear it, shred it, destroy it.

Two hands held him steady as he shivered in anguish. When Hyde looked up, he almost gasped. It was the same benign face at first glance, but there was something distinctively different, like the lines on Tetsu's face that he's never seen before. The crisscross etching strangling life away from him. The dullness in his eyes and the puffy redness below, the sloppy attire of his t-shirt and jeans, the forced smile of lackluster quality, suddenly, Hyde felt sick. Apart of him weighed how discouraging he himself must look; the other part of him was with a suppressed, diluted feeling he couldn't quite grasp. Hyde let his hands loosen against Tetsu's touch, and the brief look at the taller man stirred a question. "You… you have been crying…?"

Tetsu put on a fleeting smile, and Hyde was relieved to find it resembling Tetsu's signature reassuring smile. "Well, between you spacing out and Ken screaming, cursing and apologizing, somebody has to do the crying…"

Hyde blinked. "Ah."

"Doiha-chan, don't be like this anymore. Please, please don't torture yourself anymore," the mothering words, as if granted entrance by Hyde's conversation, spilled boldly from Tetsu's weak voice. "It isn't your fault, please know that…"

Hyde lost the rest of Tetsu's pleading. His fault? Of course it wasn't his fault. How could it be his fault? He loved Sakura. He loved him, but Sakura used him. He wanted somebody pure, somebody he wasn't. He tried so hard to please him, to be the robe donning goddess in white, to grow his hair in waves, to please him in a submissive, loving manner, but in the end, in the end he failed. Sakura fell in love with his face, not his selfish, inane nature. It was all Sakura's fault. It was all Sakura fault!

"…my fault. I've known, Hyde. I should have kicked him out a long time ago. I just wanted everything to work out so badly that I turned to hope than reality… I'm sorry-" Hyde grabbed Tetsu's hand, inadvertently cutting the leader's apology.

Hyde stood up. "I need your help."

"With…with what?"

Still gripping onto Tetsu, Hyde frantically dug into a drawer and drew out a scissor.

"What are you thinking, Hyde?" Tetsu asked anxiously. "If you asking me to do something crazy. I-"

Snip.

Hyde sighed as a lock of hair fell by his feet.

"HYDE! Stop! Your hair! What are you doing?" Tetsu yelled, snatching the scissors away from his friend.

Hyde grabbed Tetsu's hand violently. "Cut it, Tetsu. Cut it off. Do it." "What? No…!" "If you don't do it. I'll do it and it'll look like a dog chewed on it."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm not a girl, Tet-chan," a smile lingered on his lips almost cruelly. He could be free at last, out of the clutches of other people's ideals. Out his mother's unfulfilled fantasies, out of being mistaken for a girl, out of Sakura, and most of all, out of his own mind. "Do it."

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With a pair of wings stitched on his back, he fought between whispers and shrills into the microphone. Writhing, pitiless, there was no other that could draw faints and screams like him. He was beautiful again. Dark angel in black, oozing sex, sweat and even purity. But he knew he was impure, and he made sure the others knew of it as he crawled like a shackled creature on stage, making love with his cruel melodies. He felt like a skeleton, clamoring against the world without loin, without soul. Physically, he looked different, with pointed gelled black hair, heavily eyeliner eyes, and red lips contrasting the black outfit so unlike his white flowy costumes. The leather clamped against his skin as he lashed out words.

From the edge of the stage, a bassist looked upon him with a brilliantly fabricated smile, a smile of ecstatic happiness when no one noticed the tinge of sorrow. There was a change in Hyde's presence, in his aura that troubled Tetsu, but everything had changed after all. Ken grew a faint mustache, a cigarette dangled from his lips at all times as if the smoke screen gave him protection from the disturbing world. Yukihiro replaced Sakura in the back. Tetsu was thankful for Yukkie, but felt mentally drained every time he focused on the Pearl drum sets, so used to a tall, strong figure there instead. Then there was him. He had been wearing a lot of bright colors lately: neon, yellow, orange, bold, clean colors he thought could bring a little life on stage, but perhaps he was aiming for a little life in life. He dyed his hair yellow, which wasn't as shocking as Hyde chopping off his hair, of course, no…that was quite a surprise. He remembered vaguely trembling while snipping locks by locks of the thickly woven hair. It was almost as if he was intruding on something sacred.

Yes, everything had changed. The dynamic of the band, there were no more hugs and kisses and even the playful jokes felt awkward. Tetsu buried himself in work instead, he was too afraid to return to normal when everyone went through their own set of depression. So he worked, and he drove them to practices, recording sessions, appearances until 'workaholic' lost its meaning. His dream was coming true. Relatives he had never heard of were making calls. His dream was coming true, and everything was falling apart.

Tetsu made sure of one last smile and a word of gratitude before exiting the stage. Another sold out show, and he literally felt sold out. He flung his body onto the couch and was about to fall asleep right there when a hand shook him.

"Leave me alone…Ken, Hyde, Yukkie…whoever."

"Hyde."

"Leave me alone, Hyde," the name didn't actually register with him. Tetsu curled into a fetal position and moaned for sleep into the cushion.

Hyde stared at Tetsu for a moment, unable go through with his beckoning. He hadn't seen the bandleader like this in a long time, curled up in his white outfit; wisps of platinum hair fanned his cheeks, so serene, and yet so petulant. Tetsu was like a child, a vulnerable child. His awe suddenly turned to an odd form of spite. Beautiful. Tetsu was beautiful. So pure and untainted and always thought for others Tetsu, so unlike him, so unlike all of them. Suddenly, he hated him.

"Oi!! Tetsu! And Hyde! There are little girls in tears waiting for you backstage! Get your asses out here!" Ken's peeved voice startled Hyde to a jump. He wasn't so use to Ken, who was always so good-natured, snapping and yelling so much. But then, it was their 'Reincarnation,' wasn't it? Tetsu was the master of all this, the only one untouched with shining brown eyes as Laruku climbed the charts. The one spilling joys and thanks to them for making 'his' dream come true as if he was a dispensable part of the band. The bastard, thought Hyde.

"Tet-chan, wake up Tet-chan. You don't want to upset your precious fans, do you?" Hyde shook Tetsu harshly this time, eliciting a louder groan. A precious, pained groan as if nightmares plagued his sleep, but how anything could plague the frail figure below him he couldn't imagine. Hyde ran a last glance at Tetsu before closing the door gently behind him.

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Tetsu woke groggily, with a sandpaper throat and heavy migraine. He couldn't remember what happened yesterday, except an essence of uneasiness lingering on the edge of his lips. He could hear water running in distance, but the sound convulsed and broke near his eardrum, sounding further than it ought to. Slowly he pushed himself up and discovered that he was clad only in boxers. He frowned slightly and brought his thin wrists to his eyes. So thin and pale he was; it made him sick. A creak from the bathroom door wrung his head up as Hyde, half naked wrapped in a towel entered.

"Hy…Hyde…" Tetsu blinked in surprise. So Hyde shared a hotel room with him. With their late success, they have been getting separate rooms. Tetsu decided on separate rooms not because he especially wanted to, but because he thought the others were sick enough with the constant practices or constant touring. It didn't matter even if they really did love each other, spending too much time with one another was bound to cause conflicts. Although, it wasn't the fact that Hyde shared a room with him that surprised him.

"Morning," Hyde sat down calmly on the bed opposite his and stared like he has been staring at Tetsu of late, an unsmiling, blank stare that made Tetsu shiver. He studied Hyde's stature now. He had always been small, but unlike Tetsu's pitiful 'stick for legs,' Hyde's limbs were wirier than before, his skin was still as pale, but a pair of dark eyes set a curious intensity to his expression.

"Did you…" Tetsu, for reason he could not fathom, sunk into his covers in shame. "Last night…?"

Hyde raised an eyebrow before sniffing a runny nose. "What?"

Tetsu closed his eyes. "Ah, it's nothing…"

"Hmm? I did strip you, if that's what you mean…last night."

Tetsu's eyes flew open.

"You don't have a problem with that do you? I mean, we've seen each other naked and all, not like there's anything to hide, and it's not like I stripped you to nothing…"

"Wait, what, that's not what I mean," Tetsu flushed. "…and could you use 'undressed' instead of 'stripped?'" Damn it, that's not what he meant either, Tetsu sighed. "I mean, I don't care about that!"

A strange thing happened when Tetsu realized Hyde was shaking his head and chuckling. "Ah, then you must be wondering how I carried you here, right?"

Tetsu stared at him in disbelief.

"You really sleep like a rock you know. I could have done anything and you would have slept through it."

"You're kidding."

Another dazzling smile and Tetsu was beginning to think Hyde was losing his mind. "I am. Don't worry. Ken got you here. I would like to say I tried though," he even winked.

As if on cue, Ken burst into the room. "Tetsu, you little shithead, you had us worried sick yesterday," Ken grabbed Tetsu's head and pressed it against his chest affectionately. "Stop overworking yourself, baka."

"You're the one bursting in 7:30 in the morning, he could have been sleeping you know," Hyde chirped in, sounding almost annoyed. "Who the hell gave you the key anyway?"

"Oh shut up, *Daiha-chan. I don't see how you nearly dropping Tetsu could do him any better," Ken replied with glee, earning a scowl from Hyde.

"Ken-chan…stop it," Tetsu glanced worriedly at Hyde, even if the man had cracked two smiles in the span of ten minutes, Tetsu was still wary for Hyde. Intuition told him something was still wrong, but when Hyde mumbled something about 'getting dressed,' Ken restrained Tetsu from protesting.

"Let the boy dress, you hentai," said Ken playfully, which caused a burn on Tetsu's cheeks.

"Ahh, Ken…that's not…baka…!"

Ken shook him head before turning serious. "I have to talk to you, Tetsu. Listen, we had a meeting yesterday. Hyde, Yukkie and I."

"Eh…?" Tetsu nearly flipped out. He was usually the one calling endless meetings so loathed by the other members. They were holding meetings on their own? Was the world coming to an end?"

"Don't worry. It didn't last too long so we didn't end up killing each other, in fact, we ended up agreeing on a couple of thing after a blame fest," then Ken mumbled. "Listen, I've been a jerk lately. Snapping at you and everyone. I can't tell you exactly what's wrong, but I think I'm just slightly bitter, suppressed, angry or something…"

Tetsu smiled while Ken rambled on with his apology. He didn't know whether he should keel over in happiness, or slap Ken up the head for being so sentimental. Even with his friend's reassurances, however, he mind still flickered to Hyde and his vacuous stares. Was everything really okay like Ken said?

The object of Tetsu's thought was brooding with a pile of clothes around him. Hyde was annoyed; annoyed that Tetsu woke up, annoyed that Ken burst in, annoyed for his weakness, and annoyed that he was annoyed. He dug his fingernails haphazardly into his white skin, wanting to see more red than marks from pressure. Why was he like this now? He needed something. He needed sedatives. He needed comfort and… no! He did not need him! Damn damn damn, Hyde pressed his harshly against the pile of clothes like a burrowing animal. He tried filling his head with images like he had done so many times as a child. "The most beautiful things are full of sorrow." Yes, art was always more poignant when he relived the days of pain and desolation in his mind. Yes, he was a sadist. Yes, he was a hypocrite. But then why why…

The images that invaded Hyde's mind - crisp images of blinding white, most of the times they left him with warmth, a kind of mothering tenderness he could wallow in forever. Other times they are of a lingering sadness banging against his very heart. He hated them. He hated the aftertaste of ambiguity. But now…yesterday…he thought he saw…he saw him. Watching his wide brown eyes watching him, hearing his laughter resound, his limp body clinging to his, calling out his name… It felt so real, as real as Ken's smack on the back waking him from dreamland, but there he was in front of him, sleeping like an oblivious angel. Who gave him the right to look so at peace? How could such purity exist in this sickening world? How…how…how…?

"Hyde…? What…what are you doing?" Tetsu stared in confound at his disheveled band mate, who was sprawling on the bathroom door, half dressed in leather pants while the other half mingled among clothes.

There was silence, then came a muffled, "dressing." Hyde was still pressing his face against clothes, almost afraid to look at Tetsu and witness mockery. Why was it Tetsu? Why did he always come to him in his moments of weakness?

"Come on, get up, Ken-chan told me about your resolution to be good. I was even tempted to believe him, but you're not doing so well sprawling out on the floor like that."

Tetsu's touch set off a stiffening in Hyde's body. "Don't, don't touch me," said Hyde darkly.

"Please please Doiha-chan, I really gotta go…" said Tetsu sweetly, humoring Hyde.

Hyde bit his lips and turned to steal a glance at Tetsu. The angel threw on a large white T-shirt that hung loosely about his shoulder, his messy hair protruded in a way that reminded him of a halo, he was so white… so sweet… so pure… How could it be so… sick sick sick! A slut, he must be a slut, no one was pure, no one…!

"Hy-chan…?" Tetsu kneeled beside Hyde, this time voicing more concern than playfulness. "Are you sure you are okay?"

Hyde turned on his back, and saw those coffee sweet eyes gazing down on him. No, he definitely was not sure. In fact, he was pretty sure he was not okay. "Neh, tell me, Tet-chan…" Hyde glided a finger against Tetsu's smooth, slender arm. "Have you ever been in love…?"

Tetsu blinked, cheeks faintly turning pink before recollecting his dignity. "I…why are you asking this?"

"You're avoiding the question," Hyde's voice sounded uneasy, and Tetsu could have sworn the black haired man was quivering a bit. "That's fine. I have an easier one for you," he pushed himself up suddenly, falling toward Tetsu's shoulder and let his lips ran close to Tetsu's ears until they were almost touching. "Have you ever been fucked?"

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Tetsu thought love was a fickle thing. In his short span of life on earth, he had fallen for dozens of people. His first love came in kindergarten when he fell head over sneakers (^^;;) for a spunky little girl whose name he had long forgotten. The remainders of what he did recall was how she had given him the biggest and best chocolates during Valentine's. He really really liked her for that. In third grade he fell in love with a boy who sat in front of him. He didn't think it was weird falling in love with the beautiful boy, no. Sometimes they shared sweets on the swings and sometimes kisses on the slides. It wasn't until a teacher pulled him by the ear and lend the boy away did he learn that it was wrong to love a boy. But Tetsu still loved. It was in his nature to love, no matter how silently. All through high school he had crushes, sometimes even two or three at a time. He never acted upon most them. He was content enough to just admire them from afar, love them from a distance. He didn't believe love needed plots of those melodramatic soap operas, or the awkward kisses, he was content enough to just see them happy, and even if they would never fall in love with him, he thought it would be okay because he could always fall in love with somebody else.

One day, Tetsu fell in love with a boy named Hyde. He thought he was the most beautiful boy he had ever seen. When Hyde smiled, he thought his smile could cure hunger and disease and bring world peace. Tetsu watched Hyde, quietly in his own way, with whimsical eyes and a mind that danced to his tunes. Hyde was an artist, a quiet boy who drew pictures and played the guitar. Sometimes in his sleep Tetsu would giggle into his blanket and wondered what it would be like to play the guitar next to Hyde. They could lean against each other like those American rock bands, jamming into music oblivion. Or maybe he could rest his head on Hyde's shoulder and watch him play, they could even sing together. He was sure Hyde would have a lovely voice, voice of a pure angel…

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How it happened he didn't know, but within moments he was the one mingling in the pile of clothes on the bathroom floor, with his body straddled beneath Hyde's and Hyde's warm breath smothering his vision. A moment ago, those lips were pressed against his, but now they were beside his ear again while a hand roamed beneath his shirt.

"Do you love me?" the lips murmured.

Too fast. Too Quick. "Hyde, what are you-" his sentence choked to a whimper when he felt a sting on his nipple.

"Uh-uh, wrong answer, Tet-chan," Hyde whispered, sliding a hand downwards. "Do you know what happens when you answer questions wrong?"

Tetsu yelped suddenly as a rough hand probed into his private area and gripped his member.

"You get punished," Hyde inched away from Tetsu's face to work on getting rid of his boxers. "Oh, Tet-chan you're so big," said Hyde in a contorted voice. "I bet your girlfriends loved it. I bet you loved it. I bet when they screamed your name again and again you loved it. But you see, that doesn't count! It doesn't hurt that way! You don't know what's it's like being fucked, because you are so pure and so right all the time. You touch everyone, but you won't let anyone touch you Tet-chan…"

He wanted to fight it, to throw the body off of him. Everything was coming at once -confusion, pain, betrayal, pleasure, weakness, desire. "Hyde, don't…Hy…Hyde…!" Tetsu cried, unable to pivot his body out of Hyde's grip when a searing warmth engulfed his length. Shit. Shit. Shit. What the fuck was Hyde doing…

"You like that too, don't you Tet-chan? Don't you?!? Well, fuck you! I'm not going to give you a blow job. Anybody can give you can do that. I'm going to touch you. I'm going to mark you. Do you hear me, Tet-chan?"

"Hyde, you're… God you're delusional. Please, please…Doiha-chan, we can talk. Don't do this…"

"I'm not delusional! He's delusional! Do you hear me? He fucked me! He used me! He betrayed me! It's not me! It's not my fault! You don't understand anything Tet-chan. You never cared to! Everything's so wonderful in your eyes. I'm doing you a favor. Don't you see? If I hurt you now…Tet-chan," Hyde was on top of him again, his beautiful, wicked eyes sunk horrors into Tetsu's eyes. "If I hurt you now…you won't hurt later… Shhh…I love you, Tet-chan. I should be the one to hurt you, because I really really love you…"

He screamed, or at least his mind screamed while the rest of him fought Hyde. It hurt. God it hurt so much. Where did it hurt? Again and again, he was touching him, violating him, ripping him apart, again and again. But that's not where it hurt most, no, where it hurt most was something Hyde would never know of.

"Ahh…ahhhh…"

"I love you. I love you. I can hurt you, because I love you. You love me too, don't you? You are so good to me; of course I would love you forever… Of course I would never leave you…" Hyde collapsed on him, sweat mingled with semen, and unbeknownst to both - tears.

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Tetsu's dreams were coming true. He'd make Hyde pinch him just to make sure he wasn't in a dream. Hyde would always laugh at him then, call him silly names before slipping away to another one of his books. Sometimes Tetsu would watch as Hyde read. He hated reading himself, but the fascinating lines on Hyde's face shaped by a sigh here or a wince there tickled infinite pleasure into him. Many nights he spent just sitting there, pretending to write songs while staring at Hyde from the corner of his eye. He liked it most, though, when Hyde threw his books aside and start asking him weird questions.

Starting there, they would cover from blood type compatibilities, to why jellyfishes were better than starfishes, to sex, Marilyn Manson, and rock n' roll. Their conversation seemed to always end with Tetsu blushing furiously and throwing cushions at Hyde while yelling, "be serious!" Hyde was never serious with Tetsu though, he'd chuckle back, "Tet-chan's always so serious…kawaii ne…" making Tetsu's cheek burn to cinders. It was perfect. On stage, that's where he'd lean against him, strumming the bass while Hyde sang. A music oblivion of two souls wrenching out all the pain and the anger and the love. He'd press his face against Hyde's, sometimes Hyde would nuzzle back, other times were whispers of nonsense. He could care less. He was drowned within him, his intoxicating voice, his languid gestures, and there was his smile. As long as he smiled, Tetsu thought he would be happy forever. It was all too perfect.

It had been Hyde's birthday that day, and Tetsu hated that they were touring and had hardly anytime. Hyde, in his soft, content manner, said to not bother with any birthday celebration. "I have everything I could possibly want, Tet-chan…hontouni." Tetsu could only nod to that face, but his brain was busy making plans. He'd surprise him! Yes, he'll slip it under his pillow, or set it on the book he always read before going to sleep. Yes, perfect. Perfect…

Giggles. Hyde was giggling. Hyde hardly ever giggled…not like that… "Stop it…" His voice sounded so thin, so sweet, like fine silk against harp strings. "Why should I? You're mine, aren't you? My little lover, my little Hyde…" The silhouettes danced in front of his eyes like beautiful scriptures telling tales of the old. The movements so swift and so loving. The cries so passionate and pure. He covered his ears, but he could still hear it. He closed his eyes, but he could still see it, again and again until he fell on the ground choking back tears.

Smile smile…

"Hyde…!"

As long as Hyde smiled. As long as Hyde was happy.

"Sakura…"

He would smile.

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Hyde woke up in cold sweat. "Fuck." It was that dream again. The colors have been haunting him. Seeing red, he hated red. It was the color his mother adorned him in, and he hated it for intruding his dreams. His beautiful white dreams now ended with that sickening…kaleidoscope scattered red, breaking into a thousand smithereens before stabbing into him one by one.

Hyde squeezed his eyes shut, only to face the same white ceiling tiles of the hotel room. "Fuck."

When reality final set in, Hyde began the robotic process of washing, drying and dressing. There was always a hearty breakfast waiting for him downstairs somewhere, but to make it downstairs without getting hounded by reporters is another question all together. There was a knock on the door, and Hyde vaguely wondered what the manager wanted at this ungodly hour of 9:30 in the morning. They didn't need to leave until 12:00.

"Ken…"

"Hey, Hyde," Ken mumbled through a piece of toast and shoved a box of some sort in Hyde's hands. "Mmn, here, hold this."

"What's it?" asked Hyde.

"It's food. Tet-chan finally got the hang of ordering up. It's amazing, and oh, it's miso, and oh, we're leaving at 11:00 instead. Something about best effort for last show, but I think that's bull. I mean, let's at least pretend we give it the best at every show neh? And besides, how many sound checks and interviews can we do?"

An image of forever being trapped by the paparazzi popped in Hyde's head.

"Okay, don't answer that." Hyde smiled sheepishly. "Maa…let's do our best of best."

"Oh yeah, sure, I'd do it even just to get Tetsu off my back, but I'm actually psyched. We get a week of vacation afterwards. Amazing things keep on happening."

"Yeah, amazing…very…"

"You're still asleep aren't you?"

"No, you're just too rambly for me, Ken-chan."

"Heyy~, you ungrateful little shit. I'm so making Tetsu delivering you crap next time no matter how many logical and theoretical theories he comes up with."

Hyde looked up from staring blankly at his box, wanting to say something, but swallowed the words at the last moment. "Sorry, Ken. I think I am still asleep. Thanks for the food. See you in an hour." He shut the door gently, slid down with a soft thud, and cursed.

Why, Tetsu? Why are you taking it like this? It's been a month. The tour's over today, and you…you… Why didn't he kick him? Hurt him? Kill him? Hyde couldn't face him the next day, but when his tentative glances turned to stares, he realized that Tetsu didn't see him anyway. He wouldn't look at him anymore. It hurt, oh it hurt like hell, for a while he was reminded of Sakura, but the thought was quickly dismissed every time he recollect that soft smile of Tetsu's.

He raped him. Oh god, oh god. He raped him. Hyde touched his face, only to flinch against his dirty, tainted hands. He touched the angel and killed him for his own pleasure. Why Tetsu? Why still? How much of it could he take? Just how much… For the span of a month Hyde saw nothing but Tetsu, even if Tetsu never looked at him. He saw the Tetsu gazing admiringly at him, wide-eyed and curious. He saw Tetsu clumsily playing the bass, before growing bolder and bolder, breaking into chords that could raise the dead. He was in his own world, hair flying, body swaying, but when his eyes tripped into his own, he stopped, blushed, and muttered something about his lack of skill. He saw Tetsu catapulting pillows; one after another aimed angrily at his sarcastic remarks. He saw the day Tetsu showed up with short hair, a tired face, and yet a bright smile. He saw Tetsu studying the lyrics he just wrote, sometimes with so much care it would take over 30 minutes, and yet always earning strange expressions and words of praise. He saw the angel with wisps of yellow hair…sleeping…moaning…screaming… smiling like a ghost, through him, past him.

What had he done?

And he tried, god knows he tried to not think about him, not think about his sweet pale body writhing beneath him. He's still smiling, why was he still smiling? He's dirty now. He's hurt now. He shouldn't have to smile anymore, because when you're hurt like that… Hyde was angry suddenly, angry with Tetsu for being still so perfect, frustrated at himself for a splitting headache. Was it guilt? Was it? But why should he feel guilt, he save Tetsu, saved him from being hurt…

The rapid knocking on the door jolted Hyde from the sitting position, and within seconds revealed Yukkie.

"Hyde, is Tetsu here?"

"Tet…Tetsu…? No…"

"Oh, hmm, strange. He hasn't been in his room for a while. Do you know where he could have gone? The manager wants a word with him? But Ken and I can't for the life of us find him…"

"Tet-chan's gone?" Hyde cut off Yukkie and cried in alarm.

"Well, yes, but I mean, no. Hyde, calm down, he's probably just hanging around somewhere. I'll send some security guards to look for him."

No, he's gone. Tetsu wasn't the sort to take off anywhere without informing at least someone in the crew. Dark images begin whirling in Hyde's head. What if? What if? He grabbed his leather jacket and burst out of the room. "I have to find him, Yukkie."

"Oi…Hyde! Wait!"

He had to find him. He just knew he had to find him, and tell him…if it's not too late.

Running had never been his strong suit, especially when he realized he really had no idea where Tetsu could be. A fear of being recognized and stalked fluttered momentarily in his mind, but he couldn't care anymore. He just ran, and ran. Tet-chan, please be okay! Please don't let this be a horror movie plot. Please don't let him jump off from a building. Please don't let him be hit by a car. Please, please, kami-sama! Kill him instead! He's the bastard! Tetsu…Tetsu, Tetsu's never done anything wrong. Tetsu had always loved him….

Hyde stopped in his track suddenly. He was standing in front of a playground. Tetsu had always loved him? Of course, Tetsu loved everyone, because he's just like that, always giving, never receiving, always giving… Hyde held his breath.

"Ah, whao! Akira-chan's a brave girl," a man pulled a giggling little girl up from the slide and whirled her around slightly. He was wearing a thin scarlet leather jacket, strands of gel free yellow hair bristled in the cold. "You're even braver than when I was little, and I was the king of the slides!"

"Hehhh, don't be silly, you can't be king of the slides!"

"Okay, what about the queen of the slides. Does Akira-chan want to be the queen of the slides?"

"Ah, mmn!" the little girl nodded happily.

What if…what if he loved him? What if he really really loved him?

"Tet-chan…" he called. "Tet-chan…"

Tetsu looked up in surprise. "Hyde…"

"Tet-chan," Hyde reached for him, Tetsu met his stretching hand half way. Their hands, almost entwined, fell short when Tetsu guided Hyde's hand down.

"Tetsuya-san, is that your friend? Tetsuya-san?" Akira called out, eyes beaming with curiosity at Hyde.

Tetsu kneeled down, bringing the little girl close to his embrace. "Mmn, yes. Will Akira-chan be okay if Tetsuya leaves?"

"Mmn, I'm a brave girl."

"Hai, soo desu," Tetsu caressed her cheek playfully. "Always be brave, Akira-chan."

When he got up to leave, Hyde felt as if he was tearing Tetsu away from something.

"Bye bye, Tetsuya-san. You can be brave too! Bye bye!"

They were walking in silence, the gloomy cloudy day felt smothering to Hyde, and realizing he was falling behind to Tetsu's quick steps, he ran up. "Tetsu…"

"Nani, Hyde?"

"We were worried…I was worried."

"I'm sorry. I just felt like taking a walk by myself. I'll straighten it out with the manager later."

"I thought you…you…who…who was that girl?"

"Just a little girl I found, playing by herself."

"A stranger."

"Well, I suppose…"

How could he do that? How could give himself away to strangers? What will he have left. "Tet-chan!" Hyde grabbed Tetsu by the arm, feeling an instant stiffening in Tetsu's body, but he couldn't stop now, he had to know. "Look at me, Tet-chan, please."

Tetsu stopped walking, they were in a quiet section of the park, surrounded by willows trees and wet morning dew. When he did turn to look at him, Hyde wished he had requested it after all. An impassive look stitched on Tetsu's face, so wearied and blank Hyde felt he deserved to be struck by lightening right then and there. All his fault… "Tet-chan, why don't you kill me? Why don't you hurt me? Why don't you do something? Anything? Say something? Anything?"

Tetsu stared at him, scrutinizing carefully as if studying him. "I have nothing to say to you anymore, Hyde."

"No! That's a lie!"

The opposite of love and hate…is apathy.

"No, it's the truth," Tetsu smiled. "Don't think too much on it, Hyde. The world does not revolve around you, no matter how many praises and fan letters you receive, you're only a small speck in this world. You and I both."

"What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about you. Everything you do is for yourself, Hyde. You don't feel anymore. You're not human anymore. You use people."

"What? Tet-chan, you're angry with me. You should be angry. I…I shouldn't have…hurt you like that. I shouldn't have…"

"Raped me? Don't worry, Hyde, I had better, I had worse."

"No. Don't, don't say things like that."

"Why? Am I not allowed to? Who do you think I am, Hyde? Your puppet? Your play toy? I'm not the pure angel delusion you have in your mind! I'm not you Hyde! I'm not Sakura's Hyde!"

"What are you saying? What are you saying Tetsu?" Hyde as growing hysterical, seeing Tetsu's angelic face contorting with such spite.

"That's all it is, isn't it Hyde? Face it! You never lived up to what Sakura wanted. No matter how beautiful you are, no matter how submissive, no matter how much you lie, no matter how loud you scream in bed, you're not a woman! You're not pure! Of course you are not! Nobody is! You're not! And I'm not! He doesn't love you anymore! He never loved you! Stop living a lie, and stop using people…stop using me…stop it…I'm so tired, Hyde, stop it…stop it…" Tetsu fell down, slamming his fist against the concrete ground.

There was a strange feeling inside Hyde's chest, bubbles of hurt invaded his face, and large drops of tears were threatening on the edge of his eyes. No, he never cried. He doesn't cry. He never cried. He doesn't cry. He felt limp, and limply he crawled toward Tetsu and pressed his lips against a tear-streaked face. "Is it all a lie, Tet-chan? Was that a lie too? I love you. Is that a lie too?"

He was pushed off; brown eyes blurred by tears stared at him. "Once upon a time, I met a boy name Hyde. I thought he was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen, and as long as Hyde was happy, and as long Hyde smiled, I would smile too."

"Tetsu…"

"But I'm not sixteen anymore," said he, with a sad smile. "I really am not. I'm too old for this, too tired for your games. Just let me go, Hyde. If you really love me, can you let me go?"

It wasn't supposed to be like this, no, it wasn't supposed to be like this. He loved him! God! He loved him! It wasn't a game. It never was a game. But he couldn't say anything. He couldn't do anything. If was as if he was stuck in a glass vase, and he's screaming but he could not be heard, and he's banging but nothing was to be felt. A frozen kiss felt like swift numbness against his forehead, and within moments, he watched in horror as Tetsu walked away from him, away and away, leaving him there, still screaming and still not heard.

Leaving him…leaving him…still crying.

 

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After notes: I'm so evil. I hate this. I swear this was NOT supposed to happen. I swear it was supposed to be a happy happy ending. How did it come to this? ::Sobs:: inner sadism? Psychological problems? Maybe sad music? Anyway, I apologize for those that wanted happiness. I want happiness too…but…urg. >_<